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By Silvertree February 7, 2012

Please be aware that we do not permit swap-related content on profiles or in blogs. Please post this content only in the For Sale, Swaps, and Wanted forums, or in the Wishlists topic. ~from Swapping 101 Thanks!
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Heal Over

The other post was just to exposing. Those that read it Thank you for the support. It means so much. It helps. I keep thinking of a song called Heal Over by KT Tunstall. If you get a chance to hear it, it's beautiful. maybe I'll post the lyrics later or some other time. Some quotes: "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:If there is any reaction, both are transformed. Carl Jung "If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down." Mary Pickford "Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." James A. Baldwin "Pretend, Pretend until one day you aren't pretending anymore and you'll see you can survive, that you had what you needed all along" Unknown "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve?.....I think I'm in the wrong building." Charles Schulz

RogueFeenix

February 2, 2007

Forget Everything And Remember

PSA: Here but not talky

Had some major frustrations and less-major disappointments today, so for a while, I will be observing rather than participating.

Kitrona

February 2, 2007

Do you have a flag?

My grandparents' farm.

My mom is an elementary school teacher, and she's getting ready to retire at the end of this school year. Last year she bought her parents' farmhouse after my grandma died. She has many siblings, and although the land was divided up between them they weren't sure what to do about the house and buildings. A couple of my first cousins were interested in it, but they couldn't afford it. So, since my dad passed away a year and a half ago and my mom would like to live closer to her siblings (who are all in the same general area except one), she bought it. Her original plan was to tear down the old chicken coop and the old barn that Grandpa built (they really needed to come down, and they're already gone now), and then tear down the old farmhouse and build a new house on the same site. When it was time to really make decisions about the house, though, she started thinking of all kinds of reasons why she didn't want to tear it down. A couple of months ago she finally decided to stop talking about building a new house and just fix up the old one. By the time she's done, it probably will be more expensive than just building a new house. But it wouldn't be that house. The house she grew up in. She was the first child in the family who was born in the hospital instead of at home, so she wasn't technically born there, but her older sisters were. Grandma died in that house, too. In the 1950s Grandpa added on a new kitchen and bathroom (before then they only had an outhouse) plus an extra upstairs bedroom. He built it himself, with timber he had cut down out back. He also built all the cabinetry in the kitchen and bathroom. Grandpa was a farmer, not a carpenter, but he built it. The wallpaper Grandma had hung in the 1950s was still there. There was some flooring in the upstairs that dated to the 1920s. That house had not changed one iota since before I was born, with the exception of new furniture in the living room and new carpet in the downstairs. That's it. My mom couldn't stand to think of tearing it down. I'm glad she's fixing up the old house. I can't imagine that house not being there. Throughout my childhood we lived in four different houses, and my parents lived in several different places since I left home, but Grandma and Grandpa always lived in the same spot. The house my other grandparents lived in has already been torn down -- the people who bought it only wanted the riverfront property and wanted to put up a whole new house. So my only real "home" link any more is to that farm. My grandparents moved into that house the day they got married in 1938 and never moved from it. Grandpa bought it from someone in his family -- his mother grew up on that same farm (different house at that time, but the same farm). That little plot of land there at the bend in the road with a creek running behind it and the best well water you've ever tasted in your life has been in my family since about 1850. The big red barn has my family's surname and the year 1891 etched into one of the doors. It was never a big farm -- only a few hundred acres -- and it was nothing fancy, but it was clean and well-kept. My three sisters have no interest in living in the middle of nowhere on midwestern farmland, but I love that little 20 acres that is now my mom's. So my sisters and I kind of have an agreement that whenever that land gets passed on, it'll be mine to retire to. I told my mother than I have no problem putting a clause in my own will specifying that the land will be sold only to a descendant of my grandparents no matter what other offers may be. My ancestors have lived on that land for so long, it feels like it belongs to us -- even without the deed. So many things in life change so fast... but some things need to stay the same.

filigree_shadow

February 2, 2007

Eoywin's Blog

My Sad Tale of Love

No - nothing is wrong with me and Todd, things are great with us. Since there seems to be a lot of relationship troubles on the forum as of late, I thought I would share my sad tale of love. I didn't date a lot in high school. In fact, I went on a total of two dates in high school, being my first date (so boooring! The guy was too shy) and the senior Prom (same guy as first date, but so much more fun because we went with a group). I had one boyfriend my sophomore year of college, who I liked. He was madly in love with me, and when I realized I didn't love him at all, I broke it off with him. It was in my junior year of college (I think) when I met Adam. And I fell head over heels in love with him, though looking back, I'm not sure why I did. Our relationship had more downs than ups, especially at the end. We had to deal with both our moms getting cancer, his mom dying of cancer (mine did too, though it was after we had broke up). After his mom died, we moved in with his dad, which made things get really bad in our relationship, because a trailer with me, Adam, his dad and his dad's girlfriend/fiancee/wife made things really uncomfortable. He couldn't deal with his mom's death because he didn't believe in any deity, and he started to be a real jerk, even though I bent over backwards to try and help him. We moved out of the trailer, and into a house where Adam's friend, Ted, lived, but things didn't get any better, he just kept treating me worse and worse, until I broke up with him, and my parents came and got me (it was summertime, and I was still living in the town I went to college in). I found out later that he was being a jerk on purpose, so I would be the one to break it off. Pussy... But I loved him, madly, and it took me nearly a year to get over him. We were both in my ex best friend's wedding, and when I saw him, I realized that he wasn't a prize and I didn't have any feelings for him anymore. Funnily enough, that wedding was the first time I saw Todd (though I didn't think of Todd in that way, since I knew he had a girlfriend who everyone thought he was going to marry ) I was single for about 2 years after I broke up with Adam, and it was the best thing for me. I had a lot going on during that time with my mom dying and having to move back home. When Todd and I got together, it was very weird. Ex-best friend and I joked that it would be cool if Todd and I got married, because then our kids would be kinda related (Todd and xbf's husband are distant cousins). My experience with Adam has made me appreciate Todd tons, because he's a great husband (most of the time ).

Eoywin

February 2, 2007

Is Anybody Out There?

I'm here again.

My mood swings are seriously impressive. My anxiety is even worse. I missed school because of my anxiety today, and this is significant not because it's never happened before, but because I hadn't given up, and I wanted so badly to go, and I just couldn't. handle. it. I couldn't. There wasn't a single thing that was going to drag me out of this house. I couldn't write my paper that was due today, and I didn't get to do all the things that needed to be done TODAY. Not tomorrow. Right now. Hours ago. There were things that I needed to have done, and people, I just could not do them. I cannot convey the amount of frustration and despair I feel over this. I really want to be a better person. I want to think that I am continuously improving, and that I am going to be strong enough to live like a normal person and get the education I want and make connections and be there for the people who need me, but I feel like I am stuck. My mom has been sick for a long time now, and they've been trying to figure out what is wrong with her- loads of tests, and they've thought repeatedly that she has internal bleeding, but haven't found anything. So finally, instead of sending her back to the GI specialist, she went and saw a hematologist, who ordered her into the hospital to be watched, because her iron and her red (?) blood cell count was so low, and they did an iron infusion and finally sent her home, and now we wait to see if she starts producing the blood cells she needs, or if not, what else needs to be done. So I'm a wreck, and she's taking care of me already- she went out and got my medicine for me today- and she has no business really being out and about, but that's just how it goes, and I wonder if I'll ever quit being a burden to her and be able to start taking care of her. In fact, I feel that way about most everyone in my life right now. I shouldn't be feeling like this. And all I can do is stare at my switchee box that has yet to go out and feel hopeless about THAT, too. Is that not insane? Seriously, it's not like it is out of my control to drive to the post office and have it mailed out. But right about now, I'd like to sit in my very own padded cell and rock in the corner... and that sounds ridiculous and overdramatic in my head, so I can't imagine how it sounds out here, but I feel so freaking out of control, and then I'll come back here in a couple of hours and be appalled because of how overdramatic this is, but it is really how I feel right now, even if I don't feel this way later, and.... yeah. My head is really, really unhappy right now.

smallvoice

February 2, 2007

Eoywin's Blog

Sleet/Freezing Rain Day

Everyone is calling today a 'snow day' - but now there isn't any snow - it all was washed away by the 'wintery mix'! This morning I get up, and look outside - there is a little bit of snow on Todd's but it didn't look icy, so I got dressed and went to work. The roads were fine. Well, about an hour after I got to work, it started sleeting out, and kept sleeting. In my department, we were debating on what to do (my boss's mom and husband kept calling her, telling her to come home), all the higher ups started paging each other. People who've been there longer than me (which is just about everyone), said that they were probably going to shut down because of the weather, which they did end up shutting the whole company down. I nearly fell on my butt leaving work (it is darn icy out there), but the drive home wasn't too bad. I only slipped once, and that was when I was nearing home. The highway wasn't fun though, since semi's kept passing me. So, it sucks because I only worked 2 hours today, but I'm glad I work for a company that puts the safety of their employees first.

Eoywin

February 1, 2007

Goth Hobbit's Blog

More Grad Student Support Staff stuff...

I think I should just start using the acronym and save myself a bunch of keystrokes. Anyway -- talked with D. tonight; as expected, I am absolved of and barred from any guilt for my decision, so naturally, I feel like crap about it. It doesn't help that he feels guilty about putting me in a position where I'd have to say no in the first place. His words; see disclaimer under "Gloomy and Russian." He did not put me in the position. CU put us in the position. It's expensive to board a dog who 1) needs thyroid medication twice a day, and 2) doesn't usually get along with other (adult) dogs because of pain issues from surgeries on both knees. Not if you're going to have her in any decent kind of kennel. It would be less expensive -- possibly -- for me to fly up; it certainly was when he was out of town over Christmas and New Year's, and he got a freezer full of homemade dinners out of the deal as well. The logistics were different then, though. On the other hand, it is wonderful to have someone who respects and encourages what I'm trying to build. It does bring my Old Goat mentor's words to my Mom into sharp focus, though. When she met Jim, she told him how great it was that he had taken me under his wing, and that she was proud that I had become so passionate about something that had the potential to let me make money. Jim burst out laughing, got his composure back, grinned at her and said "Jane, jewelers don't make money. Jewelers make jewelry. People who sell jewelry make money. Jewelers have really neat rock collections." He's mostly right; a designer and bench jeweler who has talent, passion, and determination in equal amounts can make a good living, and I am determined that that designer is going to be me. It's damned hard, though. If either D. or I wanted to take the easy way out, he could have kept his old job as a DBA here after he got his Masters, and called it good. I could have taken my knowledge and experience to another storefront after Jim died. We didn't; D. wants to teach and do research in equal amounts, and I ...well, my little workbench might not be the foundation of the next Tiffany and Co., but what I build from it will be all mine. Besides which, Apple Computers started out in a garage. There may be a way around the logistical problem, though. If I fly up the weekend before he has to be down here, and fly back the weekend after, I'd still be back in time for the show that I'm really the most interested in doing. And D. is planning on driving down with Magpie for Spring Break, because he is very, very homesick. If he made the drive on the Saturday that my show is, he'd get in about the time I finished unpacking the car after breakdown. The only potential conflict would be that Sinead the Wonder Weasel has a vet appointment the day after Hallmark Hearts and Flowers Day, but the housemate has the day off and can take her if I'm too busy packing. R., the housemate, is going to put his l33t cyber-shopper skillz to work on finding cheap airfare, and D. will call on Saturday for my decision. C'mon; what do you really think I'm going to say? There's not a bookie in Vegas who would take that bet. Now, I just have to screw up the gumption to tell my Mom that I'm going to be out of town yet again...

goth_hobbit

February 1, 2007

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