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Fishnets, quiet time and George Clooney

I was out trying to buy a pair of black tights yesterday and couldn't find them where I was shopping (sold out, I guess), so I bought a pair of black fishnet tights. Practical, huh? No, she never did believe in having the big wedding with the while lace gown, but by god, let's get fishnet stockings because they're there. I think I might wear them tomorrow. I have this retro-style black skirt that begs for a pair of fishnets. Everything else will be black and white and muted, and the fishnets will be the wee little touch. Well, probably more than a wee little touch, maybe a serious jab in the ribs, but who cares... I'm a fiscal analyst, for hell's sake, no one expects it. It messes them up. You know, people ask me to go to lunch with them (as did the lobbyist a couple of weeks ago), and I really don't like to go to lunch with other people. It's one of my least-favorite things to do on my lunch hour. I would so prefer to go to my nice little bohemian coffeehouse hang-out and get an hour of quiet time before I re-enter the fray. My inner introvert needs to be cared and nurtured, especially when my workplace is a zoo. I know going to lunch is "networking," but gah, most of the time it's just bullshitting while you feed your face. It wears me out. I suppose if I didn't wear fishnet stockings, people might not be so inclined to try to figure out what the hell I was all about, but I can't let go of all of my personality for the sake of being left alone. I told someone not that long ago that I'd probably dress like a churchmouse this year during the session, and I guess I lied. Actually, I was being a bit sardonic when I said that, but I think they believed me. And why is it, when the legislative session starts, several of my close acquaintances get needy? As in, really needy? I won't bore you with the stories, but it happens EVERY damn year -- the session starts and they start calling me or emailing me a lot or even stopping in my office to see if I have time to listen to godknowswhat. And it always starts with "I know you're busy, but..." The "but" should be followed with "I WANT ATTENTION! AND I WANT IT NOW!!!" It's not -- it's followed with whatever semi-crisis or love affair they want to tell me about in utmost detail. Gracious. My friend and coworker Scott suggested I hang up a sign that says: "I AM NOT the wailing wall." I am not a callous bitch. If it were a bona fide emergency or major life event, I'm there for people. But their annual job review that always goes well, or the new girlfriend, or generally noodling around about your philosophy of life are not emergencies. In a total non sequitur, I had a dream Sunday morning that I'd given birth to a baby but I'd forgotten about it and gone off to a marching band rehearsal. Then I remembered: George Clooney was the dad! I'd go over to the dream interpretation thread on the forum and ask them what they hell they thought that meant, but I think I'd be booed off!

January 23, 2007

Is Anybody Out There?

Sacred Memories

I don't know how else to describe these things. I've begun collecting these moments in time where I felt an otherworldly calm, or where I felt something fundamental inside me change. During a period of exceptionally dark depression, sobbing on the phone with my friend Shari (who lives across the country from me) as she frantically looks for a Star of David her grandfather gave her, and then listening to her recite, in Hebrew, the prayer for that day of Hannukah. In the same mindset and a similar timeframe, being curled up in bed on a trip out of town to visit some friends, unable to go out and socialize, and my friend Stacy coming in and playing her guitar and singing to me. She has a beautiful voice, and I wish I had a recording of something her band has done. Flying into Knoxville after an all night flight across the states and seeing my husband for the first time. Realizing that we were not just going to patch each other up and then move on, and trusting that he felt the same way also happened in that general period of time. Staying up and talking with my brother in law about how much he loves my sister. (He is generally not overly expressive in that area.) There are more, but those first two really have a special place in my heart.

smallvoice

January 22, 2007

Birdsongs

Single again.

I mentioned in a couple of postings elsewhere that I've had a bad weekend. Friday night, instead of going to visit his grandmother as we had planned, my boyfriend & I had a big discussion of issues - things that had been bothering him, things that been getting to me (like the control thing in my last blog). We came to the conclusion we should break up, then started crying & went to sleep next to each other. Then the next day we sort of retreated, & I said maybe we could work on things, & he said to give him time to think, & went out with his friends while I surfed online all night, making sad posts. He didn't get home before I left for work the next day, & when I got home, he said he'd been thinking, & confessed that he had feelings for someone he had asked out before we'd started dating, but she was too young then. His crush never went away, & she apparently has a thing for him, even though she's seeing someone else. He didn't name her, but I knew right away who he meant. And I can't even get angry at him (yet) because she's beautiful & thoughtful & musical & fun. So I said, well, we could work on other things but I can't do anything about that. So that's it. I'll need to start the long process of separating our stuff soon, but today I am still on autopilot & feeling numb. I think he's confused too - just now he called from work to make sure I was okay, & seemed to want to talk. (I've been in the habit of making a little ten-minute call every day on my break.) Last time someone broke up with me (my first boyfriend - we dated for seven years), I was able to not see him for months & I was healed by the time I saw him next. But now, I'll have to move into the spare bedroom, which is still extremely full of all my brother's junk from when he took off & never came back to get anything. Our lease doesn't run out until June, & none of us (including my longtime roommate, who is now angry at both of us) has the money to break the lease & move out (it would involve huge fines). And I'll see J all the time. But he won't be mine anymore. And he'll want to talk, & make sure I'm not mad at him, & be friends right away. And I just want space to heal. Thank god for friends. My only plan last night was to get out of the house & call my friends S & S. And they were free, & we watched TV & talked, & took me out to a bar to celebrate another friend's birthday, & people bought me drinks & we chatted & smoked & they said they would hate J for me since I can't, & didn't mind when I cried on the table. Then I fell asleep on their couch & woke up with a kitten next to me. So begins life without J. At least without him being my J. I will use this time to see friends more & spend more time on my spirituality again & be a strong independent feminist-type grown-up who doestn't need to be needed & can wait for someone who loves her. And when the numbness wears off & I break down I will try my best to remember my new mission statement. Sorry for the length of this blog ... venting has been accomplished now.

spanishviolet

January 22, 2007

This Old Snark

Claws are out! - Grumbling about Grooming

Snarky in Winter If she would just stop burning and cutting them and tried to moisturize every once in a while, Snarky would have a fairly pretty set of hands. Given care, they can be delicately expressive with long fingers and long, tapering nail beds. She inherited them from her father's side of the family. Her mother has always grumbled about her own "farmer's hands", but as the rest of her is delicate and expressive (she was a traditional Chinese dancer in college), her hands come across as such too. Snarky does not treat her hands well at all, though. They want to be long-nailed and idle... the hands of some pampered concubine. But she treats them like meat. On the rare occasion that she gets them "done", they become undone within a week's time. Nail polish barely lasts two days (even the good stuff). Her cuticles would break any aesthetician from sheer mental trauma. Currently Snarky is struggling with her suddenly long nails. They get caught in her keyboard (upon which her typing sounds like a puppy scrabbling across a hardwood floor). They mess up her ability to dial her cell phone. She has poked herself in the eye countless times. The Mister has been inadvertently scratched in very unsexy ways. So far, only the cats seem to enjoy these new accessories. Along with her enlongenating nails, Snarky is trying to re-learn how to handle longer hair. She is also doing what she playfully calls "Winterizing" - a sort of seasonal shortening of her personal grooming habits which allows her to sleep in a bit more, but which also makes winter The Mister's least favorite time of year. Apparently it's OK for him to have hairy legs year 'round, but she must remain pre-pubescent (at least in that one aspect.) She will make an exception for Valentine's Day, though, which brings much rejoicing to ChezSnark. Snarky really has a problem with the whole body hair issue, actually. She finds it yucky and gross in all practicality (tank tops, swim suits, shorts) but in principle wishes she could just let it all go. So this "Winterizing" thing is sort of her annual foray into protesting the unrealistic expectations set by the beauty industry and society in general. (She's also normally a waxer, not a shaver, so this is a bit of a reprieve from all the ouchiness.) Strange how laziness promotes old stereotypes (longer head hair and finger nails) whilst stomping like a giant hairy Sasquatch on others.

darkitysnark

January 22, 2007

Scherezade

Imp #8: Scherezade "Saffron and Middle Eastern spices swirled through sensual red musk." Note: End of cycle. Imp fresh from the Lab. In the bottle: Definitely smells like insense. Do I detect the dreaded patchouli? Musky as well, I think. On me: I definitely get what I would define as a perfumey feel out of this. Perhaps that is the reaction I have to red musk. I can't seem to pick out individual notes. 1 hour+ later: I am catching the spices & I think I can identify the saffron, though it is not as bitter as the mehndi on my left hand. At this point, a few hours later, I have lost the throw, but I like the scent.

Forget Everything And Remember

January 21, 2007

Argh.

The big news for today was that I went to a birthday party. Had fun, stayed for 3 hours, am now exhausted. Kitty told me I look dehydrated, and that I'm growing my water sac (which sounds really really gross), so I need to drink more water. And it's fairly obvious to me that /something's/ going on down there, because my "yay I lost weight" pants are now tight. Ugh. The only other pants I have to wear are the jeans that I can literally pull off without buttoning. Now I'm cold and tired. I think I will crash. Oh yeah, and we called the realtor back that called us twice yesterday. He said he'd call us back, and didn't. That, combined with the fact that his email to us of two sentences had several grammar errors, tells me we'll be going with another realtor.

Kitrona

January 21, 2007

White lace

There's a end-of-season sale extravaganza going on at the shopping mall not too far from where I live, so I had to stop by long enough to see if there were any really great shoes or boots on sale in my favorite shoe department. The answer was, of course not. The serious shoe and boot sales start in February. I am still delighted about those $150 Diesel boots that I got for under $20 a couple of years ago; I always attempt to equal the experience, but have yet to do so. Anyway, I found a parking place and thought that the fastest way into the mall would be through the David's Bridal store. I've never been in a David's Bridal before, and I wasn't aware that this place didn't have an opening into the rest of the mall. As a result, I wandered through the store and its various viewing and fitting venues before leaving in horror through the door that I used to enter. I am absolutely convinced that drag queens should be hired by bridal shops to help prepare young females for the absolutely intricate selection and fitting process that seems to surround either wedding or prom attire. Drag queen can work it, and some of the females that I saw today needed a lot of encouragement to work it. Why not get tips from the masters? I'm only half-kidding, but I know a lot of the ladies that I saw today would bristle at the notion of a gay cross-dresser helping them cross the street if both of their legs were broken, much less getting clothing and style tips from them. Not to run down anyone's prom or wedding experiences, because if you wanted to work it up big-time, more power to you. I tend to be the kind of person who will get all done up because I'm having fun putting together quite the little get-up, or because part of my job is working it and creating my "you can look, but don't even think of coming near me" aura. And maybe that's what disturbed me about today -- most of the females I saw trying on gowns or formals weren't wearing styles right for their bodies and they looked miserable and unhappy. It should be fun, they should be snappin' and happy, and instead they just looked sick. A nice drag queen doing a happy squee when a hesitant young lady emerged from the dressing room would do so much good! And in the end, is everything being so ornate and perfect and more gorgeous than imagined on that one day going to make the rest of your life together better? Of course not. I can be so pragmatic sometimes, but for whatever reason, my dreams never did involve ornate weddings, much to the relief of my father.

January 21, 2007

Prague

Imp #7: Prague "Crocus with snowdrop and three lilies." Note: End of cycle. Imp fresh from the Lab. In the bottle: Very sweet. I think the crocus and perhaps the snowdrop are coming out the most. It smells very much like the taste of honeysuckle nectar. On me: The sweetness dies back some & I get more of what I would deem an aquatic feel. The crocus is definitely still speaking up, but the rest more smooth & unidentifiable. 1 hour+ later: I think it sweetened back up a little, but crocus stays as the top note. It doesn't have a ton of staying power, but it does get a little more throw than it has initially. Still doesn't have tons of throw, though.

Forget Everything And Remember

January 20, 2007

Whiskers and Whispers

Wonderful news!

My half-sister gave birth to a beautiful little boy today! I haven't seen him yet or seen any pictures but I hope to see my little nephew soon. I've been waiting for the birth for a long time since the baby didn't want out (too warm and cosy inside mummy's tummy!) and was a week overdue, I was worried for my half-sis...but not any more! From what I've heard, both mum and baby are healthy and happy, and I'm now an aunt! (or step-aunt, really, but still, it's so exciting!)

PurringPulsar

January 20, 2007

First entry

Wow. So I'm finally starting this blog, now that I've got something to blog about. This will start out as a record of my pregnancy. I am now, by my estimation, between two weeks and a month pregnant. I'll find out for sure on Monday, when I go see Dr. Bukata, who may or may not end up being my ob for good. My friend Kitty (also my teacher, mentor, and HPS) is going to ask her doctor on Tuesday if he has any recommendations. The area they work out of is actually closer than where Dr. Bukata works out of, and the hospital they're based in... well, Kitty's aunt is the head of surgery... something. She schedules the nurses for surgery. Anyway, so things are looking interesting on that front. We have something else big that's getting underway, sort of related to the baby and such, but I want to keep it under wraps until it's more underway than it is now. So that's that. Today... ugh. Cookies and sweet pickles and a tuna salad sandwich. And more soymilk than I usually drink. We don't do regular cow's milk, because I have trouble with it. But I usually don't drink it, because we save it for tea and cereal, things like that. But cookies cannot be eaten without milk! Very sleepy. I think I'll go to bed sometime soon.

Kitrona

January 20, 2007

Is Anybody Out There?

Weather and Whatnot

We got some sleet tonight- I'm praying for a thaw by monday. Trinsic sent us another bill. How messed up is that? It's in the pile to be faxed to the utilities commission, assuming we have the right number for him. I can't find where I wrote it down. My husband says that swaps are stressing me out too much and he'd really prefer it if I stopped. So, I've stopped. But. I'm unhappy about it. Not so much the regular swapping, but I really wanted to get into starting decant circles. We have the money right now for the supplies, but he says we should save it, which means he doesn't want me spending the money on perfume, and I wish he would just say that, because it's not like anything EVER gets saved. We blow it on stupid things, and I would just as soon have the decanting stuff. I get where he's coming from, but I am so frustrated because I'm fixated on the vials right now, and I desperately want to try Hope and Faith. I'll test them at Convergence, though. (Assuming they're going to be among the throng.) I should just sell all my perfume before Convergence. I'm in a mood. Oh! I should be setting up an appointment with a real, live therapist next week sometime. (Not going to the appointment next week, but setting one up for hopefully sometime soon.) That's quite a relief... I will sing the praises of medication for depression and anxiety until I'm blue in the face, because they've helped me so very much... but I think I've reached the limit of where they can take me. It's pretty impressive. I wouldn't have believed it a few years ago, but I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just don't want to slide back into depression, and I feel like I could do that. So, yeah. Instead of buying decanting supplies, I went switch witch shopping. Okay. I have GOT to stop obsessing over this.

smallvoice

January 20, 2007

From the other side

And now a missive from the other side of my personality: I decided today, because I was wearing my fuchsia and purple zebra print panties, that the other people in my office should get newer and better underwear. Why, you ask? Because they're all into some form of mass hysteria as their presentations draw near, and I find their tension to be relatively counterproductive, since if you walk in the room nervous and insecure, you only hurt yourself. But if they had better underwear, they would value it and love it and not want to get their panties (or knickers) in such a big, giant knot. OK, bad joke. I was somewhat resigned to having a bad experience when I walked in the room, and low expectations are sometimes a blessing. I came into work on Sunday to prepare for the presentation. I can appreciate their anxiety, but I don't appreciate them being in my face all day about how scared they are. My bosses really got into their heads in a big way. But life is good when you can come home, drink a glass of wine, eat some pasta with smoked salmon flaked over the top (with olive oil, garlic and good parmesan), freshly-made French bread (a great new bakery close to my house!) and then drink a cup of really great coffee afterwards. And to make it better yet, you have fuchsia and purple zebra print panties covering your bum. What else is there? Well, plenty. I want many, many things that I can't have or I won't get, but if I truly get my knickers in a big, huge knot, it should be over something really fun. Gotta remember that one!!!

January 19, 2007

In perspective

I'm in relative slacker mode for a few days here at work. Woot! I've been a bit nose-to-the-grindstone for over a month now, and when I hit this point, I can breathe again. In accordance with my relative leisure, and the fact that I'm not going to wear a power suit if I don't have to do a presentation, I'm wearing a long-sleeved, longish black top with a skirt that has a black and brown Indian print, with a few gold sequins scattered about. Even with the sequins, the skirt is rather understated. And I'm wearing my black corset-lace boots. I'm wearing Mme. Moriarty, since my ensemble seemed a bit like a Misfortune Teller outfit. Right before the New Year, and continuing into the month of January, I've been doing a brief Ganesha mantra at the start of my meditation each night. Silently. I'm not into chanting out loud, although I love to listen to chanting. If you aren't into Hindu deities, Ganesha is the elephant-headed man -- Ganesha was the subject of the amazingly beautiful BPTP Lotus Moon t-shirt. Ganesha is the remover of obstacles and the god of new beginnings. He also represents wisdom, learning and humility. I think he's a wonderful creature, whether you believe in him as an actual living, breathing diety or as a symbol that inspires you to use your own wisdom and learning to overcome obstacles (within and outside of yourself) and recognize avenues for auspicious new beginnings. And even then, to retain a sense of humility about the process. An elephant-sized order, but a good one. I suppose my biggest task is to not overthink the entire matter. That probably invokes the humility factor, because I simply can't will things to be so, nor can I control inner guidance. You have to let it happen, you never know when it will arrive, you never know what it will be, but you have to be ready to listen to it. You just never know, and that is the hardest thing of all for me. In comparison, it's a piece of cake for me to walk into a briefing session armed with all sorts of information, because then I am able to say that I know the answer, or I know where to find the answer. To ask, to wait, and to not know about things that are much, much larger is truly humbling. OM Sri Ganeshaya Namah. There are bigger things than this little place where I work.

January 18, 2007

Is Anybody Out There?

Icy Roads

My college has classes that begin as early as 6:50 am. The highway to get there is the main highway between the nearby cities. Wouldn't you think that it would be top priority to get cleared off? That and, you know, the streets that run by the college? Excuse my mouth, but holy fuck. Three lanes, and I'm in the middle one. There's a semi and an SUV up ahead and to my right, a car a ways ahead of me, and a truck to my left- and a car behind me. All the sudden, the SUV hits an icy patch and starts veering for the side of the road... but she doesn't. She panicks and starts trying to straighten out the car- in the process, crossing all three lanes and circling more than 350 degrees... and lands smack in the middle of my lane, so that I'm heading for the side of her car, and I'm slowing down and praying that she will figure something out and get moved, and it hits me that she's so freaked out that she's not going to be able to do anything, so I have to do something or hit her car, so at about 30 mph (which I've managed to slow down to, on our 70mph highway), I slip into the right lane at literally the last second, and was shaking and trying not to sob the rest of the way to school... but I didn't wreck my car, and I didn't kill her, or anyone else, but it was SO scary. I don't want to go in tomorrow unless it's all melted away. ALL of it. Dude, that is so scary. I almost threw up. I was so freaked out the entire time I was driving home, too.

smallvoice

January 18, 2007

Hamadryad

Imp #6: Hamadryad "Seven dry woods with mossy lichen and a gentle breeze of forest flowers." Note: Mid cycle. Imp fresh from the Lab. In the bottle: Faint and hard to capture. Sweet, mossy... On me: Licorice! OMG LICORICE! 1 hour+ later: The licorice has gone away, and it is now a mild, vaguely spicy, unitentifiable second skin scent. I like it, but I'm afraid to put much on and have to wait out the initial stage.

January 18, 2007

Review Round-up!

Holiday Moon

In the imp: An almost watery, sweet-tart freshness. On wet: Clean and vaguely lemongrass-y. Drydown: Fresh, clean, and faintly citrus. There's a green edge happening, too - something almost minty or grassy. Very pretty. Overall: Not a fan of the bamboo element (I did detect a VERY brief, polluting whiff of it during the wet stage), but this is such a fresh, clean fragrance otherwise, that I can hardly complain. I almost wish I'd sprung for a full bottle rather than a decant - this would be lovely addition to unscented bath products! 3.5/5

furygrrl

January 17, 2007

To be nobody but yourself

I need to get my booty in gear and do something that has a time deadline on it, but I wanted to say thank you again for all the words of encouragement about my presenation. And I'd like to report that my presentation went just fine yesterday. No non sequiturs, just lots of good questions and good discussion. I was happy. It took a long time because there were several people learning how the process works, but that was fine. I don't mind that. What I did mind was how management of my office tried to deliberately frighten staff into believing that this was going to be the second ring of hell, and unlike anything we've previously experienced. They are so out of touch with what their staff are able to do, and they always assume we're the most incompetent boobs on the planet. I believe what's going on here is what the psychologists call "projection." My boss, in fact, informed me yesterday morning that he was tired and frazzled and wouldn't be able to help me much at all during the presentation. The reason? A pipe had frozen at his house the day before. It was unfrozen and all was well, but his wife was upset that they'd had to drill a hole in the new basement drywall and her anxiety had ruined his life. Now really, WTF? And just because his wife is high maintenance does not mean that he should return the favor with his staff! If I had walked in and swooned over my basement drywall, and said I couldn't possibly do my presentation, he would have told me to put on my big girl panties and get busy. So when my presentation was going well, he kept jumping in trying to participate and get attention. I do forget, it is All About Him. And the cold hard fact that I forget over every interim, is one that I have to relearn every year: If you're a female in the environment where I work, and you're not a needy wreck who requires propping up, and you're reasonably decent to look at, you will be run down at every possible opportunity. Insecure men love strong men, insecure men hate competent women. This fact is true all over the place, and it's just a matter of degree. I know there are many places that are much worse, if only because my bosses are too lazy to really make trouble for me -- they just try to run me down in subtle ways. They manage by fear, and that's a game that cowards play. I listened to T-Rex on the way to work. I'm wearing Snake Oil and my burgundy patent leather boots. The assholes don't get me down, because underneath it all, I'm entirely too weird for this place and they'll never figure me out. For everyone who has at some time felt what I'm describing today, and that would be most of you, here's one of my favorite quotes, from E.E. Cummings: To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.

January 17, 2007

Review Round-up!

Dragon Moon

In the imp: A clean citrus-tea scent. Slightly sweet, slightly floral, slighty aquatic. On wet: Bathroom air freshener. Drydown: Sweet, sweet floral. Faint citrus. A sharpness reminiscent of ozone - perhaps the bamboo? (I'm discovering that I'm not a fan of bamboo in certain blends.) The sandalwood's underneath everything, lending an almost incensey quality to the overall experience. Still reminds me of something you'd use to clean a public restroom, though. Overall: I heartily agree with some of the previous reviewers who mention similarities between this scent and Neo-Tokyo. Unsurprisingly, since I absolutely LOATHED Neo-Tokyo (it was the very first scent I needed to wash off immediately), I'm not exactly loving this one, either. A shame, really - I haven't been able to pull off any blends with dragon's blood so far, and this one - with all its exotic ingredients - had me hopeful.

furygrrl

January 17, 2007

At my house, needing to be tried

Bewitching Brews Aeval Anne Bonny Blood Kiss Eclipse Hamadrayd Ouija Penny Dreadful Scherezade Séance Swank Diabolus Black Phoenix Djinn Phantom Excolo Pannychis Queen Mab Funereal Oils Dance of Death Limited Editions Beltane Love Potions Libertine O Salomé Seraglio Whip The Muses Melpomene Sin & Salvation: The Bow & Crown of Conquest Lust Sea of Glass Sin Tzadikim Nistarim Somnium Temple of Dreams Wanderlust Athens Delphi Florence Neo-Tokyo Prague Tintagel