We're just not communicating anymore. We don't have the same things in common.
Sure, we used to be like two peas in a pod - finishing each other's sentences. We always knew what the other was thinking. But now? We're just not clicking.
First it was Carnival Diabolique. Your words were so pretty, but you scents just didn't add up. Carnival Noir was so dead on - everything I smelled just enhanced the experience. But with CD, we're just not on the same wavelength. Nothing you said made sense.
Then Tavern of Hell - a complete disappointment. This should have been so perfect! But no connection. And Horreur Sympathique is the proverbial nail in the coffin. Fruit? How did we ever see eye to eye?
Sure there have been a few good times. 'I Died For Beauty' - wow. you were so eloquent, it touched my soul. But like all good things, the feeling didn't last.
There's still a chance we can save this. But, I have to be honest, I'm finding myself attracted to others. Others who understand me more. No, really, it's not you - it's me. I'm changing. You were my first - and that will always be special to me. But maybe it's time for us to explore new options.
*Dramatical note: yeah, this sounds like teh drama. I've often watched people make Le grand exit - selling off all their bpal because 'they just don't want to be a part of this'. I ain't selling it - I love what I have! To be honest, the reason for all this is to make me so embarrassed about my dramatic departure that I won't sign back in. I really need to break myself of this addiction that is the forum. I doubt I'll succeed, but hell, it's worth a try. And it's all true, at that..
I was raised in a very objective, scientific household. Reason ruled the roost, and we control everything around us. I still am, to this day, a very strong skeptic of anything that is unprovable through the scientific method. Can't see it? Doesn't exist. Astrology, ESP, magick, reiki, and prayer are all outside of my mental comfort zone. However I have always been curious about religions and various occult practices, and find myself drawn to them in some way, despite that. I want to believe, but can't.
Through much of my adult life, but much more strongly in the past year, I have found myself dissatisfied with my life in some way. I know that I crave some kind of spirituality, harmony, meaning in life, what have you. I feel that I want to connect with our natural world on a different level than just what we see on the surface. But, whenever I begin to actually explore anything in that direction, my inner skeptic starts squealing and scares me off. I love the ideas of reiki, tarot or herbal magick, but when I start reading about them, I feel silly. My skeptic won't let me accept that rhyming words and waving herbs around can accomplish anything, or that one herb can be connected to love and another to money, or that certain colors are affiliated with certain planets - because I can't find any logical scientific reasoning to explain it. To the same extent I have trouble believing in prayer, God, or the general idea that can be something other than molecules banging together in the universe. (Please, I mean no offense to those of you who do believe - this is not my whole view, I don't believe it is that simplistic or silly at all, but it's the skeptic voice in my head that I can't shake.)
I know there are people who are able to reconcile science/objective reasoning with their faith. Some very prominent objective scientists are religious, and somehow are able to encompass both into their lives. But I'm having a very hard time with it.
Has anyone out there gone through a similar struggle? How do you reconcile faith and reason? I know this may seem very obvious to many of you, but I'm stuck. I understand that, long ago, television and airplanes and cell phones would have been considered magick, because we just didn't understand the forces that now make them work. So I should be able to believe equally that there are forces, such as plant or human energies, that we simply haven't figured out yet, but are no less real for our lack of understanding. But, that damn voice again, it holds me back from full acceptance.
I am a Virgo, and very much a control freak. I try to control completely how the world perceives me, and I live in constant fear of being wrong, or being weak. I'm one of those who says "I meant to do that!" while picking myself up from the ground after tripping over a rock. I think that where I'm trying to go will require me to relinquish that control. There's a reason that spiritual knowledge is often referred to as 'the mysteries', right? Leap of faith - letting go of what I know and understand. Maybe that's the hurdle I'm at. Just posting this is going way out on limb for me.
Thanks for reading this far, anyone who has.
7:30 and all is well. The rain has stopped, for now, but the forest still drips water.
I discovered today that I really cannot handle Tisiphone's mojo. I like her scent, but every time I've worn it weird things have happened. It has far too much nervous energy for me, and makes me irritable. This is the first time I've really acknowledged that the inspiration for Excolo scents should, perhaps, be taken into account more seriously.
I'm hoping the evening will be calmer.
