I have my own room at work - well almost. About 4 hours per week we are 2 in the room. Me and - let's call him Tom. And we really are not best friends. It's not that we hate each other, we are just too different. He is as non diplomatic as one can be. I think I can be diplomatic if I want to. At work I usually want to
Well it started with calenders that we can order now. They should be for work, of course. He told me to get one for home. I'm too - well half and half - I have him always with me and therefore there are work-things in at as well as private things. Anyway, he thinks I'm too correct. Tells me that he does not believe that I never overlay my break. In fact - I don't. I have my mobile ringing when it's time to go back to work. If I stay too long away anyway, I take this time from my overtime. It's just the way I am. Yes, I surf while I should be working but it would be wrong to tell him so, he would use it against me if there would be the opportunity.
I'm just so tired of this ... every now and then he starts with it and in the end he says "Well, doesn't matter, I don't care." - "Funny, you talk a lot about it, doesn't seem as if you wouldn't care." - "No I don't. I don't have to. Your partner has to." - ehm sorry, why are we talking about my partner now?? This was about work!
After that he usually start to call me a bitch (hope the use of the word is the same as Zicke in German). I think I'm not. Well okay, sometimes I am, but I really try not to be. He surly is. I started to be faster then him and call him a bitch right away at this point of our conversation.
It's really that he wants to hear from me that I screw our employer - because he is doing so and wants sanction for that.
The point is: I think he is terrible. The way he economies with his money, the way he works and so on - but I don't say anything to him about that. I never start such discussions as the one we had now. I just accept that he is different and try not to mix into his stuff or way of handling things. Why can't he do the same?
The only explanation I have is that I really bully him in my silent way ... I know he hates that I have no problems with our boss because I am ... different. I tell him straight away what I think about something and if he asks me some awkward questions, I don't say "ehm er errr ... well ... er". I prefer the easy way, even if that means that I have to tell our boss something that he does not want to hear. I am terribly afraid in such situations (it's never nice to say "no I have not finished that" or "sorry, it will never work") but I try to play cool - and I guess that's why my boss and I come along ... he knows somehow to trust me. Tom tries not to say something negative to our boss - but most of the time our boss gets it and finds out.
Well we are different. But where is the problem??
Really, I don't know myself any more!
I'm so tired that I could start to cry - but I slept enough and good! But I'm so desperately tired that the line between "normal at work" and "having a breakdown and cry for a while" is pretty thin ...
It is so good to know that today is Friday and I can go home soon and then I will lay down in our wonderful bed and sleep. I will stand up shortly before Olli can go home and I will prepare something to eat. Then we'll go to the grocery store and after that I won't do anything anymore.
Tomorrow we'll go to a barbecue - only for 1-2 hours and after that to my friends birthday party. On Sunday I'll visit my parents because my relatives will be there.
----- got a mail in the meantime. Olli will eat with his coworkers ... the good thing: I don't have to prepare anything for him. The bad thing: I already decided yesterday what to eat today and because it was something new I was excited about it ... I love eating. And normally cooking. Well, there is no use in preparing the meal I planed, it's too much for one person and tomorrow it won't be as good any more.
Anyway, I guess my bad mood - it does not feel like a "mood" - may be it is because of my hand. It really hurts. A lot. And it's not getting better. I hope the weekend will bring some improvement. If not I will have to see a doctor next week. Which won't be good. My boss knows that my relatives come to visit and it will look like skipping work. I hope it's not a tendovaginitis ... I had already one and besides that it is not nice (specially for someone who works on an computer and loves to paint, write and do all kind of stuff with the hands - well, this sure sounds weird!) it will mean that I have to stay away from work for some time - which is something that makes me feel bad. I am afraid to never get an perpetual job and I feel remorse. I never skipped work or school - when I stay at home it is always for a good reason. But still ... I feel guilty and bad about it.
4h30min to go ... then I will have to drive approx. 30 min till I'm home (driving is terrible because of the hand) and then:
Yesterday I wanted to check my mails at gmx (if somebody knows gmx) and there was a newsflash about Kate Middleton, the girlfriend of prince William.
The picture of her was ... well ... terrible. But of course I was curious ...
First glance made me think "No, not a nice person!"
So I asked google and found other pictures of her an the following article:
I was reading it and well ... after a while I realized: Okay, she is pretty - the sort of pretty you can find in every town - but pretty! And on these photos she seems likable.
And then I got it: I'm simply jealous of her! It is that easy. Not that I would like her husband in law or the prospect of been followed by paparazzi everywhere I go, but all the other stuff. How much money she can spend on whatever ... I have to count every cent I'm spending right now! It was sort of luxury that I bought myself a new book!
I almost never go to a hairdresser and manicure is something I don't even know. Besides: Color on my nails won't last it when I'm cooking, washing, cleaning etc. It is something special for me to buy any new piece of cloth ... yes, I am jealous.
She'll have a though life ... being in the interesst of an hole nation - and even more than that (I mean, I'm already interested, right? And I'm not British), being followed by paparazzi, always have to follow certain rules and to look pretty (guess she is not allowed to have such an inflammation as I have - and if she does, she should not be seen by anyone). But on the other hand she will never have to think "Can I really buy myself a new bra? Do I have the money?". One of my dreams is to go to New York once. I am obsessed with this city, specially with the chrysler building, I guess she can simply say "William, lets go there, please!" Okay, then there is the difference: I can go everywhere and no one will recognize me, I can walk through the streets, taking insanly many pictures and enjoy being there while she will have to masquerade herself and be followed by bodyguards. Hm, not what I want.
So the conclusion: Somehow I'm still the little girl that watched the Diana and Charles Movie a hundered times (I'd like to watch it again ... it was all positive and nice, even if we know now that that was not all true) and dreamt to be a princess herself. To wear beautiful clothes and to have enough money to buy all BPALs I want to (and a new bra ) To have a life that seems to be magical ... becoming a princess.
The prince would have to be my own sweetheart ... I'd never want to lose him. And I want to keep my family. And his one, too.
But yes: I want to read more about them ... want to share the dream of being a normal girl and becoming a princess.
After my holidays I had an unsettling time.
For one we bought a new guinea pig becauce one of the others died before my holidays. It was the first guinea pig of mine that died and it was a shock ... well ... anyway, the new one - Maus (=mice) - is wonderful but had mite. Had to go to the vet with her. After that I got ill - so my partner. Not so nice, especially if you have a baby pig that you want to cuddle and your not allowed because it could be infected. And because it is a summer-flu it takes really long to go away.
My partner had problems at work rightaway after the holidays, so he es trying to stay calm there and search a new job. Right now it seems that he has got the possibility to get a really nice job!
At my department at work we had to say goodbye to a really nice secretary and after 2 weeks of a vacant office we got a new one. She seems nice, is - I guess 55 years old - and I think I like her - but she will mean lots of works for me ... I mean, yesterday she came in to sak me how to write an email ... öhm ... you know, where to click, what to do.
And then the final decision: Enough with our selfmade bed - it was good but now it is time that we buy what we always wanted: A waterbed. So since Sunday we are sleeping in a waterbed. The wateramount is not quite perfect, but I guess thats only a question of time.
And now the choir-thing - I am somehow tired. Well and of course I want to go home only to sleep in the new bed. It is sooooo wonderful!
Thank you carwoman and filigree_shadow!
I have already seen 2 dermatologists - the first gave me cortisone creme and told me to wait about 3 weeks. After 1 week I switched to another creme (but also with cortisone) and it seemed to become better. On Christmas it got worst again an I decided to see another dermatologist after New Year.
I was there last week and he almost screemed "no, no cortisone!". From his point of view it is an sebaceous gland (is that right? I looked it up in an dictionary) inflammation. Worst you can do is apply cortisone - it will grew from that - yes, I realized that! So now I have an antibiotic creme with almost no fat in it. After 2 days of appling it, it got raspberry-red again and so I called him and asked if that was normal. Unfortunatly it is.
But today its smaller again ... still red but with some normal areas in between ...
You should have seen my boss yesterday ... he behaves really humiliating! Watches it all the time while he is talking to me - again with those repelled looks - he really turns always so that he can see it better while he is trying not to come too close - perhaps he thinks it is contaminous (it isn't!).
I've never been very selfconfident about my looks - but now I really want to hide myself.
For about 6 weeks I have an inflammation right beside my eye. Sometimes its so pale that you almost won't recognize it - and sometimes - like now - it's 4cm in diameter, cherry-red, hurts and is the first thing you see when you look into my face.
Well, and the doctors says that it will last at least another 6 weeks. I hate it. I think I should remain at home. Even scents which let me feel sexy (like Hymn) won't help - I just feel ugly (well I know I am) and I hate it how people look at me. For example my boss - everytime he's next to me he stares at it, asks questions and has an repelled expression on his face.
My sweetheart says no longer "no you don't look ugly" - by now he says "I don't care as long as you are mine" - that's sweet - but sometimes I wish he'd lie again and tell me "no no, thats not that bad, don't think about it".
*sighs*
If it only would go away again ... well ... now, not in 6 weeks. And please: Never come back again!!
... a strange day. I don't feel well. My head aches a little bit, my abdomen, too. Well, girl problems My knee aches a lot, no idea why. I am very tired and I want in my bed - now. That may be because yesterday was not that great. Well, in the beginning it was. Yesterday I had my 10 year driving license anniversary and I bought cake because of that. Well, okay, I only wanted cake. I told Olli that I want some and didn't tell that I was going to buy it myself. So he came home with red roses and a cake that you only must bake. It was so sweet of him and I was really happy. So we had lots of cake.
After that we started to clean again - on Saturday we have a party and there is still a lot to do till then. It was okay and it is nice that our house starts to look nice again. Anyway, at 21:00 we decided to stop for that day and to watch Star Trek DS9. I said something - I think in a normal voice - and he thought that I said it in a grumpy voice. Over that we started a fight. We had this one a lot of times. I really didn't mean it grumpy - but he thinks it sounds like that ... I can't hear any grumpiness so I don't know how to change and he can't convince himself, that it isn't meant grumpy. It took us 1 hour to talk normal to each other again. At this time we were already in bed. And then it took almost 1h till I was calmed down enough to sleep. So it was a short night and that's why I'm tired.
We thought our party would be bigger ... 30 people or something like that. Till now there are only 15. Well, makes it easier for me to cook.
I'm already hungry. Okay, that is nothing special. I'm always hungry.
Really strange: I want to clean the windows in our living room! We have a window-gable so it is a lot of work but I really look forward of doing it. Perhaps because everything will have color again after cleaning - right now there is a grey shadow above all.
My thoughts are drifting away all the time. It took me really long to write this entry. Guess it's simply not my best day, even if the start was nice and I talked to a woman working with me in this building. We are always the first to come here and sometimes we bump into each other and start to talk. I like her. She's a lot older than I am, and still we find lots to talk about. I still wait for another coworker to come - Mike. He is 54 I think and I really like him. And he likes me, I think. I often comes to me to talk about his relationship and asks things like "How long was there this 'fire' in your relationship?" or "At which point should we move together?". He really appreciates my opinion and I'm flattered by that because I'm so much younger than he is. I'd consider him a friend ... it will be hard when he leaves work - and I guess he will in the end of this year. After that it will be hard to keep in touch - he is living about 400km away from here and ... well I think it will end then. But I'll always keep him in my memories. He is a great person and I love it that he found a new love at the age of 53 And that he always encourages me ... in some things I am pretty childish - so when I need an objective, grownup opinion, I simply ask him.
Oh Mike, I hate it that things will change and you will go away. I guess if you'd hear that you'd smile and say "Well, that's the way it goes ..."
Yesterday I spent a lot of time with my pigs. I cleaned their cage and usually they are in an enclosure I built in their room or our living room and after that I bring them back to their cage.
Yesterday I had a little bit more time (sweety was just taking a nap) so I cleaned the cage and after that I sat myself in the enclosure. Maus came directly to my fingers - she still thinks that they are eatable. But I was able to use my fingers to lure her onto my lab Even Pebbles - the shyest of the 4 - came closer, after a while she found out that it is nice to sit next to my leg because its warm there. Wittgenstein enjoyed it when I caressed him under the chin - he can make such a looooong neck. Willow was very greedy - she was choking 3 times on her carrot. A terrible noise. 3 of the 4 decided that my toes are eatable - I disagreed.
It was really nice sitting there with them.
In the end Maus was a bit nerved because I had to comb her - she's a US-teddy and has scalls - she made it clear that the comb is not her friend and that she is pretty quick.
Wittgenstein, Willow and Maus gained weight, only Pebbles lost about 18gr. But I think 18gr is not that much so I'm not worried.
I hate time. No, I hate not having enough time. I hate that you plan something in a nice way and then everything is changed again.
Okay, a look on the past weekend:
Saturday: Birthday from Olli's grandma. Before we went to her we had to go shopping - a gift for her and for Olli's mom.
Then coffee and dinner in a restaurant.
Sunday: Fish Fair with Olli's sister. Later birthday of a friend of mine.
Monday: Birthday of Olli's mom.
So our plan was:
Tue: Bring car to repair shop; gym
Wed: Get car; Buy fishes for the aquarium (fish fair was not good)
Thu: Holiday - I wanted to paint, Olli wanted to tinker on his model planes
Fri: Grocery-Shopping
Sat and Sun: Finally free!
and what happened?
Tue: No gym. Bring car away, buy fishes
Wed: Get car, bring Olli's parents to another city to shop with them
Thu: clean the apartment and then get Olli's nephew and play with him because we didn't have time to do this yesterday
Fri: a Partylite Party I totally forgot
Sat: Grocery shopping.
Sun: Finally free?? Can't believe it
I'm exhausted. Olli too. I just want some time for me - I want to paint, to take some photos and to play some of the new games we have bought. And I know that Olli needs some time, too.
i guess i won't be able to write a lot in this week - i haven't seen a doctor but it's quite obvious: i have a tendovaginitis. i try to write with my left hand and to handle the mouse with the left hand. it's not as funny as i hoped ...
Well ... somehow I'm stuck.
I had my job interview and it was bad - so I assumed the "Sorry, you don't get the job" letter to arrive within 3 days. I did not. Now is has been 7 working days since the interviews stopped and still nothing.
It kills my motivation. If I knew that I won't get the job, I'd try to please my boss here to make sure I get a new contract. If I knew that I leave soon, I'd try to finish as much tasks as possible, because otherwise I think I'd have to come after my regular working time to help them out.
But since it could be that I get the other job (WHY am I still thinking that this is a possibility??) I just hang around, pretend to be working, waiting for my boss to come and to show him "here, that's what I've accomplished so far" - he will think that I did well - I told him before how long it would take to do what he asked for (and it is true, it takes a lot of time ... well but not THAT much).
It is silly - both cases would imply that I should work harder ... so I just could start with that. But NO. I don't.
So, there is no forwards and no backwards right now ... I just stand here, jump back and forth to some favorite sites in the net and I wait.
Hope the letter comes soon. Or that I decide to call them.
Yesterday I spent some time with Maus. Boy, did she grow! The scheme of childlike characteristics almost disappeared. I did not take her out for 3 weeks (of course I took her out for weighing and cleaning, but not to cuddle her) because I was coughing too bad. I'm still coughing a bit.
3 weeks ago she was a snuggle-pig. She loved it to be caressed. And now? Well ... okay, she still loves to search for the warmest place and is really happy when you built a "tent" with your hands and she can lay inside of it - in fact her eyes are going smaller and smaller when she is there. But if you try to caress her ... she shows that that's not what she want apart from being caressed on the head specially between the eyes. I guess if there wouldn't have been the 3week pause she still would enjoy it ... well perhaps if I can take her out more often again.
But I somehow ignore the others because of her. Lets be frank: The others will enjoy it ...
Okay, a new category!
Today I tried Snake Oil again. I got it in February, I think and I applied it once. Conclusion: Boring. A not so perfect Van Van. I decided to let it age because a lot of you say that it's great aged. New Conclusion: Not as great as Blood Amber, but nice. Quite and not too striking, but nice. A bit like candy ... sweet but not too sweet. I think I will buy a big bottle of it someday. Will have to buy a bit BPAL anyway ... I think twice a year I am allowed to do so. Perhaps I wait for the Jule-scents ...
My 4 guinea pigs make me happy every day. I stand up in the morning, go into the bathroom and after that in their room - before I even open the door they are already calling out for me - or better: For food.
When I open the door they start to sit up and beg - against the cage-fence (I'll be so happy when we finish our biiiiig guinea cage with glass), pushing each other away, squeaking so loud that I wonder how my partner can sleep. Even our smallest, now 7 1/2 weeks old, starts to do it and shows her sweet little belly. I call it "The Belly-Parade"
Then I take the bag with the hay and this sound makes them go crazy. They start dashing through the cage, sometimes clashing to each other, bouncing like silly (in German it's called poppcorning) and squeaking even louder. It is so wonderful to watch. And when it start to trickle the hay down on them they jump more and more ... you really could think they don't get any hay for years - in fact they get it 3 times a day, sometimes more often when they eat it fast.
In the end there is a big mountain of hay in the cage and - it's moving! Because Maus - the little one - crawl ito the hay and starts going here and there while eating it ... after 5 minutes there is no mountain left, it's all bulldozed down by the 4 pigs.
I always loved my pets but I never thought that guinea pigs would be that great
Today really doesn't seem to be my day ...
It started with my alarm-clock. I did not hear it because I had an earplug in my ear because my loved one was snoring again. I woke up 11 minutes too late. The radio on the alarm-clock is pretty loud, but not loud enough to wake up my partner.
While eating my toast I realized that tomorrow is my grandpas birthday. Of course I forgot to send a card - so I tinkered one (good that I have all the stuff for it at home). But the card will be late - my grandpa lives in another country - as almost all my realtives.
At work I realized that I have brought new cheese and chocolate - but the bread is still at home.
Then I wanted to get something to drink - went to the fridge and how nice! All iced. Thanks ...
Well on the other hand: It can only get better ... I hope!
In this moment I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings. I'm at work but - as always - listening to music. Instead of listening to the web-radio I listen to a CD I found in my drawer ... Yö - "rakkaus on lumivalkoinen" and I'm so homesick. The music (especially the voice of Olli Lindhom) reminds me of something. Of course of Finland. But there is something else and I can's figure out what it is. It is bitter sweet. It makes me want to weep without feeling bad - just ... is it melancholy? I don't know. It's just a beautiful moment and my heart is full of feelings, pictures and memories of my family there in the land of 1000 lakes and the wish to be there too.
I always loved my bed - sometimes I start to giggle when I go to bed because I'm just so happy about my bed. Then I think "Everybody should have such a bed".
A week ago I decided that it was time for a bed-change. Since my Sweetheart and I moved together we had a self-made bed because he had his mattress and I had mine, his was to hard for me (but we both could fit in it if we have to) and mine was too small for us both and too soft for him. So each of us kept the own mattress and we built a base where they both fit. So we had a really huge bed - but it was not what we wanted. We have been dreaming about a waterbed since we knew each other and last Friday we finally bought one.
And now I even love my bed more than before! It is wonderful even if the fine-tuning is not perfect yet - I'm still thinking that the wateramount is not perfect but I don't know if I need more or less water. We can change the slow-down (or how it might be called in English) ourselfes when we want and I guess I want it with less slow-down.
It is so nice to lie down in this wonderful bed, nothing aches and it is warm ... the only thing I don't like is the venyl-scent but it will go away, I think. And you can counteract it by applying BPAL before goinig to sleep. Unfortunately I forget that very often and then I am too tired to go and get some - I should place an imp beside the bed ... good idea.
Most of the time at work I think about my bed ... and how wonderful it would be to go to slepp right now. Well, it is nice if you are happy about your bed every day - but it makes it very hard to leave it in the morning.
So, we did it. We went there, we made a contract for 2 years and we had our first training. And I loved it!
For the first time in quite a long time I felt healthy and great and I was in a wonderful mood - well, I am still
It was great, I would like to go right there again. NOW!
Well, but now I am stitting in our living room - alone - Olli went to meet with a friend to fly their model planes, I'm not really happy with being alone, but it's not that bad.
I just watched the last 2 episodes of Friends - I'm addicted to them and now I'm again trough all the seasons. Since we don't receive any TV-channels we often watch DVDs - will have to search for something to watch again to relax after work and so on. Or I simply start over again. Hmmmm. Will have to think about that.
We are thinking about a membership in a gym. It is really cheap, the place looks good and so on - but we have to sign in for a 2 year memberchip. For 19,95€ each. Inclusive isotonic drinks and all kind of classes.
And since we moved together, we haven't done any sports. I stopped horse riding when we started to date, stopped my normal dancing but went on with ballet. Now I'm doing nothing and I obviously gain weight + I don't feel good anymore. So - I need to do something. But gym? Haven't been there! Don't know if I like it. But it would be good for me ... and we still can't decide ...
I'm still thhinking about what fish to put in our little aquarium ... it is only 54l big so there is not a lot of choice. I'd love to have Guppys - but someone who is living together with me thinks that they are tacky.
The tank is already a few years old an there is only one fish left in it ... a Characiformes ... don't find the proper English name for it. And as nice they have been - they are colourless. Now I want something bright ... like Guppys or a Betta.
I think I have to reconsider how is in charge for the tabk. Till now it was my partners job because it was his tank. Well, hie care may be the reason why there is only one fish left. I mean, the other were several years old, but I geuess that's not why they are dead by now. So perhaps I should care for it - then all the pet would be in my hands. The guinea pigs, the ants and the fishes ... well ... yes, I guess that would be best.
If I only had time, I would start cleaning up the tank today ...
I am pretty excited about my first LE-order. I tried to avoid LEs because I'm the kind of person who won't use something that might be unique and only once in a lifetime. Or I buy 3 or more (in this case bottles) and use the first one. But I think it is time to move on and to learn that even such things should be used. It makes no sense to keep them for years and then you realize that they are not good anymore.
So here is my order:
5ml:
1 Beaver Moon, 1 Pumpkin Patch III, 1 Blood Amber, 1 The Perilous Parlor, 1 Dragon’s Blood
(I wish I did buy Dragon's Milk ... well I will order again when the yules are online - Dragon's Milk then!)
2 Imp packs containing:
Windward Passage, Kill Devil, Dragon’s Eye, Dragon’s Heart, Squirting Cucumber, Obatala, Eclipse, Miskatonic University, Event Horizon, Cathode, Moon Rose, Bloodlust
Everything with Dragon's Blood just seem to be perfect for me - so I am really looking forward to Dragon's Heart and Eye and as I recall Bloodlust was with DB, too.
On Sunday I we have been to a new chineses restaurant and Ollis parents, his grandma and the boy from his sister have been there, too. It was really nice but ... something was diefferent. Apart from his mom telling me 300 times that it was so nice that we came too and that she did not expected us to come she told the boy several times to behave.
Sometimes she even said stuff that I would never have told him (like not going to often to the buffet table to get some food) and some things I would have said too (like trying to sit at the table and not to run trough the restaurant or to scream).
I really had the feeling "What is going on? Is she doing it for me? Or what?
After the restaurant we went for a walk and after that we made a quick visit at Ollis parents house. And what was on the floor for the boy and his toy cars?? Yes! A carpet! So what happened to the "don't be concerned about your wooden floor, if children play it is okay if it suffers some damage?"
Could it be that they thought about what I told them and came to the conclusion that a carpet is a good place to play on?
Yesterday I tried to call the sister a hundred times - well, make it 15 and you have the truth.
It seemed that nobody was at home.
Or can they see my number and they decided just not to answer? I guess that's paranoid from me.
Anyway - I didn't catch her. And with every try I was a bit more indifferent. My heart was still going faster when picking up the phone and dialing their number, but somehow I relaxed more and more.
I did talk at least a little bit to Olli - no fight, no anger - but comprehension. And deep inside of me I know that this would of course be the way in which he'd react. I even told him that I feel like they are coming to our place and forget about their children and behave like "Well, does it really matter what they do?" - and he agreed. That was nice.
The urge to get over with it fast is disappearing slowly. I don't have the speech in my head all the time - perhaps because I did write it down.
I hope I stay in this mood!
Okay ... I know I wrote that I feel better. Now I don't. I couldn't resist to talk to my dear coworker Mike (I think I already wrote something about him) and that brought all back. He absolutely agrees with me but I don't like his idea of what to do when the next family visit is as all the others have been: "Don't invite them any more". And that's not what I want. I want them to come but I want the parents to look after their kids - but I can't say something like that, can I?
So I have this wonderful little speech in my head about me being raised in a different way, me hoping to be able to say how I wish my home would be without hurting anyone and so on. And this speech is on repeat. It goes round and round in my head with objections like "The only important thing is that you and Olli cope. That you have no problems".
Well ... we have. No, we are not fighting. But he's somewhere in the middle between me and his family and I don't want to hurt him. So I keep some thoughts to myself. But I am disappointed because he attacked my from behind stating in front of his parents that is it not so important whether there are scratches on the floor or not, it is not our floor (right, but I live on it, right?) and so on.
I would like to talk about it with him. But I am afraid it will end in a fight. He has his own big problems right now with his work. I try to help, but you know how it is. So I don't want to make it worst and don't say a thing while being afraid that "The only important thing is that you and Olli cope. That you have no problems" is a fragile thing.
I don't have the strength for a fight. The problem is we are both so alike ... we hurt fast, we talk before we thought about how the other might feel about it, we start to scream and to pout. Usually it does not take a long time till everything is okay again, but ... I won't stand it again. I will collapse ... I feel how I crumble inside and that is not good. I want to talk with his sister - but I won't be able to do it soon. I would have time today or tomorrow. But I guess she won't (I will check it and call her today - I don't want to talk about this on the phone). So this week it won't work. Next week (+weekends) my relatives from Finland are here to visit my parents - and us. So I won't have time. So it will be someday in October - that's pretty late and if this speech is in my head all the time, I will go crazy. That's why the Blog Entry Title - I wish the speech would shut up
(Perhaps I should write it down once? Will that make it silent?)
