It was soooo good to talk to my parents (without Olli) and with one friend who has been at the party, too.
They all could totally understand me and don't think that I am exaggerating or that it would be wrong to have some basic rules. Made it easier for me.
My mom even broke out in laughter when I told her the story about "playing only on a special carpet in the living room" and banning toys entirely from the living room. In this case - how can they be angry when I ask to play only on the tiling?
Anyway, I feel much better, I still know that I have to talk to Ollis sister. But not this week. I will invite her to come over - alone - and that we will have some tea, chat about that, I will try to make my point of view understandable and perhaps we have some time to paint a bit with encaustic. She always wanted to try that.
If is so funny ... her boy is 8 and I'm always afraid when they come to visit us. I can see broken glass (actually they never broke anything - well they tried to break their own heads and our TV once because they had the great idea to take some pillows and use our staircase as a slide - but since our house has a strange cut there is the TV-shelve just at the end of the staircase, only 80cm away from each other, so this game was pretty dangerous - and the parents did not say a word ...), again fingerprints on my windows (and since we have a glass-gable, there really is a lot of glass to leave fingerprints on - and it takes a damn lot of time to clean them!), sweets all over my floor (I should check the shelves! and our bed!) and so on. Next week there are coming a 11 year old girl and a 9 year old boy - MY relatives - and I am not afraid at all. The boys have one year age-difference and I know this boy won't crawl over my bed, taking teddys from the shelve behind it, he won't yell at my guinea pigs and so on ... because he is raised in a different way. He does not seem to suffer. And he is known to be very lively and a bit difficult regarding to his behavior ... compared to the 8 year old he's an angle ... we don't have to talk about the girl at all - she is exactly like I was when I was her age. Shy. I'm her godmother. Which reminds me ... I should buy them a little something. (Okay, now I am reminded of this story: The boy from Ollis sister and gifts. Since Olli and I are a pair we buy all our christmas, brithday and whatever gifts together. On the 6th of December we celebrate something called Nikolaustag - Nikolaus - a bishop from Nizea when I am right - comes and brings sweets and oranges and nuts to the children - well and to the grownups. Since Ollis family is strange when it comes to sweets they don't buy sweets but real presents. Okay, so we bought some toys for the children and gave our gift to the boy - he was 7 back then. He forgot to say "thank you" - but I think tis is understandable, opened it, liked it, opened the gifts from the others and than - he came back to me "Tina, where is your gift for me?" ... I had a real big smile on my face)
There is one thing that I forgot:
Usually it's important for me to have chips and chocolate when I have a party. I put bowls of them on the tables for the guests. I do that because when I am a guest, I love to nibble this stuff.
But every time I had such things on the table, someone from Ollis family came to me and asked if I could put them away because the children eat too much of them. I did it every time.
On Saturday I didn't even bother to put anything on the tables but I forgot to put our every-day bowl of sweets away. After some time someone came and again "Please put them away, the children eat too much".
Sorry, next time I will serve sweets again, because they belong to such an evening. I really don't think that the other guests should be punished because the parents don't want to look after what their children eat. My parents went another way: We were allowed to eat as much sweets as we wanted on such events and as long as we still ate the normal food - believe me: When you feel ill for the second time because you had too much sweets you will learn to eat less the next time At least my brother and I learned it ...
So, I won't punish my other guests any more.
So I've talked to them. I guess everything is fine. Ollis mom told me that she is so sorry about what she said and that she did it because she was simply overstrained and caught between 2 stools. She did not mean it that way and she really loves me. So - problem solved.
The "guinea pigs are more important as children" was on the one hand the wanting that Olli and I have children right away (okay, I'd love kids - but first we should marry and I need a perpetual job) and they themselves never cared as much for their pets like I do. I have the habit to read all I can about how to keep a pet in the right way, to know it's need and so on. This means - with guinea pigs - that once a week you have to control their weight, give them lots of hay and not so much fodder (meaning this stuff from pet shops), twice a day things like carrots and cucumbers or tomatoes. And to watch carefully if everything is alright. Well to her this was "treating them like humans" - and sorry, it is not. I am just responsible with my pets because I love them - but surly it's not "I have guinea pigs - I don't need children"!
But there are still 2 things that bother me.
1.
They consider my ideas how to raise children as bad. Too rigorous. Too confined. Children can't be happy with so many rules. I don't get it. When I'm going to have children I won't be a drill-instructor! But there have to be some rules, specially when you visit other people - I write down what I told them:
That you take off your shoes before you come into a home. That inside the house no one is allowed to smoke (these two are more for the grownups), that you sit at the table when you eat and wash your fingers when they are full of chocolate, that you don't take stuff down from shelves without asking if that is okay. I grew up with these rules. I did not suffer from them. The children in my whole family did grew up like that. But here is the problem: My family comes from another country and it's a big family. My mom has got 7 siblings, lots of them have own children, some even grandchildren. So I don't ask for the impossible ... but I guess now I am the terrible mother ...
2.
I asked the boy if he could limit his playing with toy cars (he had approx. 40 of them with him - on a party with 19 people) on the tiling to avoid scratching on the laminate. I think this is okay. Olli and his parents don't think like that. The point that makes me angry here (but I will keep that to myself, no need to quarrel about it any more) is that Ollis sister herself has forbidden the children to play on their living room laminate without putting a blanked underneath the toys! By now she even banned all toys from the living room! So why should I live with scratches on my floor from HER children when she don't want them from her OWN children?!? Help me out here! Why am I the wicked woman?
Okay, but I'm able to live with that. I will talk to Ollis sister once more, explain myself and I hope than everything is all right. I guess it already is. I'll just keep in mind that I am not wicked for asking to avoid scratches on my floor ... and that I still believe in "there is nothing wrong with some rules".
I wrote Olli an email about wanting to forget the stuff but not being able to.
He wrote that he was thinking about it, too and that he want to talk about it with his parents. With me.
Perhaps this is the best way to solve the situation and to remove this "I don't trust them any more" - but I have no idea how to talk to them. Even how to start. And I know that I will cry. And it hate that. And I am afraid that I lose my temper and say stuff I don't want to say.
But what to say at all? That Olli told me what they said to him and that I am hurt and shocked that they always play "nice family" while being mean behind my back? I don't get it. Should I say "well sometimes I feel like you don't like me and snigger at me? That you don't take me for real"? Or not to say any of that but wait what they say? And then? The whole truth or only reacting on what they say?
I simply want to fast-forward and be over with it.
I'm bummed.
This weekend we invited family and friends to celebrate my birthday (which was almost 2 months ago) and the induction of our flat - one year after moving there ... we're not the fastest, as you can see.
Well, I thought everything was fine. And than I did something which was the last straw. I asked Ollis mom if she could remove her shoes. I don't like it if people come in with their shoes and ... well. I must have said in a wrong accent. I did not intent to do so, but it seems to happen a lot. And often when I try to let it sound casual.
Well okay, so she answered "No" - and I thought "well then", smiled and went back to the kitchen to cut more cake.
Then it all began. Ollis mom went on the balcony while all the others drank their coffee. I did not even think about it, that I could have caused this! My mom joint her to look what was going on. She claimed to have circulation problems.
Then Ollis sister took her children and went outside with them. She didn't seem too happy about me and my way with her children. When I get it right I should not worry about my laminate when they play on it (which always includes throwing cars, wooden cubes and so on). I asked the boy, if he could try to play only on the tiling - there I know that nothing will happen + he is not in the way of all the other guests. I have a different look on thinks like that - I have only one brother but we were raised in a different way. When we visited my grandparents there were 5-8 of us ... it was important to respect my grandparents, not to throw stuff, not to scream and so on. To know how to behave.
After coffee Olli and his parents went to see our new bed - I was there for some minutes and then rejoined the others. They stayed in there for approx. 30 minutes. I went back there to ask if everything was fine. They smiled and claimed to have talked about Ollis job.
Then Olli and his sister disappeared, I searched for them and there they were talking about me. Ollis sister believed that I don't like her. Because I said some stuff (yes, some of them were meant exactly how I said them ... and others I did not mean the way she got them. And I do like her. I just think we are different - which should not be a problem. I always like seeing her, going away with her). So I told her that, told her that I am happy about the family Olli brought with him and so on. And we talked a bit about the kids ... and she told me that the circulation problem was caused by me and my tone ... and that Ollis mom was afraid that the family would break apart over this stuff. I really could not understand it. It was ... I don't know! I didn't have a clue about the stuff going on!
So I went to Ollis mom, gave her a hug and told her that everything is fine.
It all would have been okay if Olli and I wouldn't have talked about it the next day. He revealed that his parents - better: his mom - talked about this stuff while they were in our bedroom. And they accused me of stuff that is not okay + they really hurt me. They always smile at me and are nice and now I hear such things that indicate, that they don't like me at all. I cried a lot. A lot a lot. Olli tried to calm me down and told me that this was the first time they did something like that and that I should try to forget it because he thinks it was because all the problems his mother is having. That's right, she has a tough time regarding a lot of different parts of her life. Her health, her friends, her working place and so on. Olli was angry that they told him such things instead of talking to me. So we agreed on forgetting the hole affair, because it was not worth it (well, first we quarreled about an hour ... which made it worse. I had a terrible night and had a dream about Olli leaving me - but after that we were fine again).
But ... I'm still so hurt. I try to tell myself that everything is fine. But it happened several times that I got the feeling that Ollis parents don't really like me. Which is somehow ridiculous because they treat me very nice. But sometimes there are things they say that make me feel bad again. But of course now I am really convinced that they dislike me. Even if Olli tries to affirm that they love me.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about it with them because I know how bad Ollis mom is. But on the other hand I don't trust her any more. I don't want to see her. And I am pretty much hurt.
So I just don't know what to do ... I tell myself over and over again to forget the hole story. But somehow it's not that easy.
Today I'm in a really dreamy mood.
It's really nice.
I enjoyed the strange bird-voices I heard this morning, I was thinking about the "Phantom of the Opera" musical. We saw it approx. a year ago and it was so wonderful. Well, after I was there I had a strange problem coming back into real life again. It took me weeks.
I think I will watch the Phantom movie when I go home. And enjoy my chocolate yogurt. I bought it yesterday. I don't even like it very much - well I like parts of it. There a tree: One tiny sort of skin on the top of it which is great. Then comes the yogurt itself. Not so interesting. And at the bottom there is 1mm of a kind of cocoa something. Well, I eat the yogurt because of 1mm skin + 1mm cocoa. Great. But I'm really looking forward to it.
Somehow I don't take this day very seriously. And I like it.
For Olli it will be serious - he has to make a call to make an appointment for a job interview. He's so excited. I really hope he gets the job even if it would mean that he has to drive even more than now. But his current job is just too boring for him + his (female) boss is a pain in the ... but I don't dare to hope. I'm always afraid to hope anything ...
The last 2 weeks have not been so good for me and I was so happy about my BPALs - even in the worst mood and in pain I started to smile while sniffing my wrists. Now I want a smile from Olli - because he can quit his current job and somehow I hope that he tells why he is quitting - because the pain in the ...
I feel so confused right now ... don't know what I want and what would be best for me. I can simply hope that God will guide me and that the way he chosed is the "best" (meaning please easy and comfortable) one. I myself don't want to make this choice - even if I don't know all the facts. Doesn't make it easier.
And I hope so much that my BPAL order arrives today. Could need a cheerup ... CnS was on the second of march ... could work ...
I talked to the head of the staff council about my job and I am afraid I said something wrong about the other job I applied for a few months ago ... I just stated that it made me insecure and seemed so ... wrong. It was sort of an accusation but I wanted to stress that it made me think about some stuff ... the man was okay, in the end he told me not to be so insecure and not to think about it too much, it will all turn out good.
I hope so.
I try to relax.
I am the stand-in for a parental leave and we all assumed that the mother won't come back (it really isn't very likely). So I hoped to get this job perpetual once. We all assumed that next year the woman will have to declare whether she will come back or not. Now the man said something about "till the children are 18" - now I am so confused. 18? That would change the situation a lot!
He said that he would check on that and call back. He did not ... at least not till now.
Well, I am somewhere between great and really bad. Why?
Okay, lets start with bad (so that the good stuff is the stuff that I keep in mind in the end):
- my imac at work crashed
- I had to send it away so that they look up whats wrong with it and it will take approx. 3 weeks till I have it back - or was it till they know what is going on?
- I have to work with a mini mac which is sooooo lame, 512MB RAM
- it has only 10.3 installed (so I can't connect my ipod nano to it)
- I have to do a lot today and I only want to sleep
- I want to go home
- all my data are gone because I was not able to make any backup-DVDs because of a DVD-problem
- my BPAL-list is gone, too
- my BPAL-order is not at home yet
- my ipod case is not there yet
- I am hungry
Lets start with some of the nice things:
- I love gym
- my mom and Olli are telling me that I look already better, healthier, not that white any more
- we bought an ipod - and I love it
- I copied some Yö CDs on it and realized how much I love them
- I ordered the newest Yö-CD and I hope it arrives this week
- the sun is shining
- we had a wonderful weekend
- this weekend is the game trade show and I am allowed to spend quite some money (oh, but I forgot, the newest version of my wishlist was on my imac, too)
- I think about buying a Yö-T-Shirt
- I will get some French Fries today
Okay, I guess that's it. It's really an up and down.
Something important, I'm afraid!
On Sunday I wanted to feed my ants. So I opened the glass box - here it is called arena - and put some honey and water in it while my partner was on the phone. Of course I was listening to what he was saying ... and forgot to close the arena again. Monday after work I realized that the lit wasn't there.
I can't even tell if any ants are gone. The queen and approx. 11 workers are still there. Perhaps none of them is gone - I have the feeling that they already decided that it is time for hibernation (they hibernate even at normal temperatures, but of course you should bring them to a colder place - it's only nice because they show you when it is time) and so all the ant might be still in the nest.
Lets hope so.
I copy again from the "How are you feeling"-thread ... I really should stop that.
I was in charge for the homepage of my choir ... I waited for 2 years for new information to put on the page, asked several times different people to give me something because I was not in charge for the content, they told me they would provide me with everything.
Well, then I had holidays and received a mail with content. But of course I would not update the page while I am abroad and in holydays! I came back and I took approx. a week when I got ill. Almost 2 weeks went by till I was better again. In this time I got 4 other mails with content. And on Monday I got a call "do you still want to do that, we need the update now" - so I told them I would do it till Wed. I managed to finish the update yesterday morning - and in the afternoon they called and told me that they are not willing to let me do it anymore (have to say that I never wanted to do it ... they begged me and in the end I was okay with it).
Well ... because the main work was the design, I felt really ... silly. They let me do the work an the nice copy and paste stuff would be okay for them - of course if they update the page, they would put their name under the page. So I erased the page to "protect" my design. That may be childish, but I think it is the right way to do it ...
Only point: It keeps bugging me. I hate stuff like this. And today is choir again and I guess I'll have a hard time ... and I am sensitive, I'm afraid they say something and I start to cry in front of all these people ... I'd love to stay at home but I guess that would make it worst, wouldn't it?
Okay, I am angry now ... the managed to restore a part of my page! With SCC-file (edit: ooooops! CSS, of course!) and all! But they wrote that they are working for a new page that will appear in the end of September. Anyway ... I hope they don't use my css! I know that I won't be able to tell them that they are not allowed to do so, but I'd like to!
Anyway, they could have make an own design for this temporal page! And if it was only white, so what?? But to use my design without asking me is not okay - at least I think so!
They are *put in some terrible words in here*!
So I was in the choir yesterday and it was okay. I behaved as if everything would be fine and I guess that's what bothered one Lady, lets call her Tad. She was once the "leader" of our choir. I never liked her, she wants to be in the spot light all the time. We are approx. 100 singers and she was the conductor. She always made such a show herself as if she didn't want the audience to listen to us but to look at her. Anyway, she was sitting next to me, one empty chair between us because she is in a different pitch of voice than I am.
After our warmup someone must have told her that I erased the old homepage - I heared "What?? And now we have none? So close to our big concert?" - and than she went one row back and stayed there for the rest of the rehersal ... guess it was a sign for her disapproval. I have to say: I enjoyed it. And their fault - should have waited till the concert is over and kick me out then
And nothing more happened ... I hope it stays that way - if they announce that somebody new is in charge for the homepage by now they should not mention the reason for the change - if they do and it is not the truth I'll have to stand up and say how it really was and I don't want to do that. I'm terribly afraid of speaking to so many people. But I'll do it if I have to!
But I am proud that I went there and that I smiled and behaved as if it would not bother me how they treated me. Guess that makes people like Tad really angry ...
A year ago a coworker of mine (wasn't working in the same department though) moved away from here. I was pretty sad about that. Sometimes I had problems with her because she is even more fragile goods than I am ... but I liked her a lot. We always had a lot to talk and to learn from each other and enjoyed our time together.
When she moved I knew that I wouldn't hear from her any more.
I got one call and one mail ... well, she didn't get much more from me. It was just so obvious that our friendship would end here.
Today she came here by surprise Another friend of hers is celebrating her birthday and she wanted to give me a quick visit, too. And she has got a new car, a job (finally! She searched so hard!) and - tada!! - she is pregnant!
She is one of those woman that I think become really good mothers. I know she's a bit "childish" (that sounds so wrong - there is nothing wrong with being a bit childish - you always should be!) - well, skip this ... I can't put it into the right words ... anyway, I am convinced that she will grow with her task and I am so happy for her and her husband
But ... yes, of course, there HAD to be a "but" - anytime I hear that someone is pregnant or just had her child ... I want that too. I know I am childish - and now I mean it in not only the positive way! - but I know I'm going to be a good mother. And Olli a great father - specially when we should have a boy that likes planes It's a kind of jealousy. Not that I don't want THEM to have a child - I really do - but in the way that I want, too. But that will have to wait. I don't have a perpetual job, Olli and I aren't married yet - and those are things that I want to have before we think about children (we already know we want two - we hope for one boy and one girl). It's just that I feel so damn fragile right now (hand, sleep, family) and now it hits me like a slap into my face to have to cope from the "I want to get pregnant, too!"
But it was so nice to see her - and so great to know that they're going to be a family in March
