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A letter to my mother...

I never know if you read my letters. I never know if you understand my heart or what it is I’m trying to say when I’m writing, and that’s part of what makes them so difficult to write. I love you, and I know that the way I keep you at a distance makes it seem otherwise. I know that there are things in these letters I write to you that are hard to read, and that could make it seem like I don’t love you. Yet, it is because I love you that I tell you these things; I hate that our relationship is broken, and I’m hoping that there may be a way to fix it somehow. Maybe there isn’t. I don’t know. But I can’t go without trying.   In the summer of 2010, I had to see a therapist as part of our adoption process. The Quality Control people at the Cherokee Nation wanted to be sure they could say they’d made sure someone with my background had been through a mental health assessment before they’d let me have custody of one of their children, so I had to talk to a therapist, visit with a psychologist, take an MMPI, and share those results with them to prove I was stable and healthy enough to raise a child.   In the process, one of the people I spoke with recommended the book “Boundaries” to me. She had no concern about my mental health, but she was worried about the way I felt obliged to try to repair our relationship, and wanted me to read this book so I could learn about healthy boundaries between people. She was worried that I didn’t have a healthy sense of boundaries and didn’t know how to say no to you when I needed to, not really. I disagreed, but bought the book to see what it had to say.   I was half way through when one of the small groups at church decided to do it for Sunday School. We signed up and have spent the better part of the year going through it as a group. It’s been a fantastic experience, and while I went into this having been told I needed stronger boundaries with you, I had people in my class point out to me that perhaps I needed to examine why I had boundaries with you and make certain I was being fair with you, not judging you on past behaviors or rumors.   The book has been so good I decided to get you a copy. I want you to understand the things I’ve come to understand about myself as a part of this study. You see, Boundaries isn’t about changing other people; it’s about setting personal limits so that you change yourself to be a better person. It’s about recognizing the personal limits of others. It’s about not being a victim or a victimizer. It’s about taking charge of yourself and taking personal responsibilty.   In the first part of the book, you’ll learn about the different kind of boundary problems. I want you to know this: I’ve recognized in myself all four problems at one point of my life or another, in one relationship or another. There are some of them that I’ve learned to recognize already and am better at dealing with, but there are some that I still have to work to overcome. I want you to know what it is I’m trying to say when I put up a wall between us; what it means to me to say “this is my boundary, and I need to maintain it.”   This is the Saturday before Mother’s Day, and I cannot tell you how profoundly painful this weekend is for me. More than the anniversary of Dad’s death, more than Father’s Day, more than his birthday, more than any other date on the calendar, this weekend is so deep a wound I can not interact with other people. I am an overwhelmingly social person, so for me to have a time that is so stunningly painful that I shut down and shut people completely out says something. I connect to people when I hurt, when I’m depressed, when I need to keep going, but this one weekend every year, I withdraw, I hide, I don’t go to church, and I ache all the way to the core.   Mother’s Day is all about praising our wonderful mothers. It’s all about singing the praises of wives who are raising wonderful children and the sainted mothers who sacrificed for us. Except, see, I have neither of those things. A barren woman, I have no child that I am raising to be a shining star in the heavens. I never even miscarried; no unborn infant awaits me in heaven. Everyone I know tells me I’d be a great mother, and yet two years after I’ve started trying, I still haven’t gotten anywhere on the adoption front. I begin to give up hope. The reproductive system I hated from the first time I had a period proved nothing more than a cruel tease and a literal pain.   As for a sainted mother who sacrificed for me... well, do I need to go into how much that doesn’t apply to me? Yes, there are things about my childhood that I didn’t hate. There are things I took away that tell me you did love us, as much as you knew how. But I can’t even blame the way you abused us on a drinking problem. You were sober when you beat us... you knew what you were doing. It wasn’t the drink making you mean... that was you.   More than that, the first time Brian came for me, that first time I couldn’t say anything... It was May 1988. We were visiting over the weekend while you worked on getting custody of us back from Mama & Papa. You had a bad weekend, and I stayed up late to work on a gift for you... I had a cross stitch kit, but I didn’t know how to do it, so I colored a picture on the cloth and framed it with the frame. I remember sitting up in my room in my snoopy pajamas. Do you know why I remember it all? Do you know why I was making you a gift, why I couldn’t tell you? It was mother’s day, and I wasn’t going to ruin your mother’s day. It wasn’t going to be my fault.   The woman who has been supposed to protect me was asleep while I was being attacked. Later, another time, you came into the room while he molesting me. He told you he was popping a pimple on my bottom; you said my dad had a pimply butt, turned around and left. My life hasn’t been marked by a mother who sacrificed for me, but by one who sacrificed me.   And yet, I can’t give up on you. I can’t not love you. In the deepest parts of who I am, I want my Mommy. I convinced myself a decade ago that it was unfair of me to expect that of you, that you weren’t equipped to be her... but I can’t give up on the hope that you were born to be more than who you have been, more than who you are. That when God crafted you, it wasn’t to be the woman who sacrificed me, who broke me, but one who was lovely, praiseworthy, loving.   So here I am, the night before Mother’s Day, the phones unplugged, unable to look at the card you’ve sent me yet, afraid to hear your voice, afraid to face anyone, longing for nothing else, and uncertain how to reach a seemingly impossible goal. I don’t want to dread your calls. I don’t want to feel the need to sneak around behind your back to visit family. I don’t want to feel the way I feel about you, but I do, and I don’t know how not to. I’ve tried putting up walls, but it doesn’t help. You don’t seem to understand why I’ve walled you off, nothing changes, and I still dread the phone call, the email, the contact.   So this is my attempt to fix things. Boundaries. Telling you what I’ve learned about what was broken in me, in a hope that maybe it will help you understand why I build the walls. Why the gates are so hard to figure out. Why I can send you roses, but can barely speak when you call. Because deep down, I love you. I hope for you. I long for the best in you, but the little girl in me is so broken that she needs walls to protect her from the you she can’t stop seeing.   I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this letter hurt you. I know that it did. I know I’ve said hurtful things recently. But I’m not sorry that I spoke truth, and if it finally made you understand me, then maybe, like the surgeries I’ve had to deal with, it was worth it. If it didn’t... well, add it to whatever you’ve done with the others. I’ll keep praying that someday, something will get through.
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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We're going to leave Vonage...

And we used to love them so...   This past Thursday, whilst we were busy moving and such, they charged us for a FULL YEAR OF SERVICE all at once. We had agreed to this and paid for this in FEBRUARY, but NOT this past Thursday. We were understandably surprised when they emailed to say "Hey, thanks for paying your next year's bill!!"   DH called immediately to get them to reverse the charge... we'd already PAID, thank you, this was OBVIOUSLY a mistake. After more than an hour, they claimed they didn't have anyone there who could, and could we call back tomorrow, thanks?   We called back at 3 today, understanding that they'd have been working on GIVING US BACK OUR MONEY. We had a help-desk ticket number and everything... surely they weren't just KEEPING our money? After 75 minutes, John had gotten up to a manager who claimed he was only authorised to give up to $200... and he'd do that within the next two hours, and he'd call back as soon as he had it worked out. DH said fine, but he was going to call back in an HOUR to check on his progress and obtained the guys extension from him. When he called him back an hour later, as he said he would, no one would connect him. It took him another 75 minutes of explaining ALL OVER AGAIN to SOMEONE YET AGAIN NEW what was wrong and why, excuse me, it's not OK for you to take $300+ from us and then wait 7-10 business days to return it. Finally, he got the new guy to credit back as much as he claimed to be allowed, but again, bowing and scraping and making the impression that he wasn't allowed to do that... and if the higher-ups found out he'd returned any of the money, he'd be fired.   Um, no. Getting fired for STEALING our money? OK. Getting fired for refusing to give it back? OK. Getting fired for lying to a customer? All understandable. Getting fired for giving money STOLEN FROM A CUSTOMER? Um, NO.   We'll check on Tuesday. If we don't have every penny back, we'll be leaving Vonage, we'll be making phone calls, and if we have to fight a legal battle, oh, we'll fight, and we'll fight HARD. I'm beyond angry. If it's back Tuesday, DH has decided that we'll finish what's left of the one year we pre-paid for... and then we'll get new phone service. If it was up to me, we'd be looking for a new provider NOW.   Do you have Vonage? Double check your bill... make sure they didn't stuff their hands in your pockets, too.
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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House Pictures

For those wanting to stalk track my progress in buying our first house...   We took pictures when we did the inspection.   Idn't PURTY?
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Or "Why Heather Shouldn't be let loose in a grocery store without supervision"   I just went slightly insane in the grocery store. No, I didn't create a scene. I decided to take cookies to game night, but I wanted to take homemade cookies, but not too much work, so I settled on getting a mix. Now, which mix... Chocolate Chip, Double Chocolate, Sugar, Peanut Butter, Oatmeal?? I discarded double chocolate immediately; I adore them, but not everyone worships chocolate like I do. I also discarded sugar, because of the assumed time and effort involved. Chocolate chip was tempting, but I can make ANY cookie a chocolate chip cookie... so no. Peanut butter was finally eliminated, after much hemming and hawing, out of fears of possible peanut allergies... not that choosing oatmeal prevents a peanut reaction, but it is less likely.   Anyway... having decided on oatmeal, I then selected some chocolate chips... some semi sweet and some special dark... after hemming and hawing over the size of which to buy, I remembered I had Bible Stoday tomorrow morning, and am taking dinner to a couple with a new baby... so off to fetch more mixes, etc. Then I recall reading on the package (as I looked to see what I needed to make them) that I could add butterscotch to them, too... so back to get some butterscotch chips.   What I haven't told you is that in the midst of all of this, I'm still shopping for other things... so I must have looked like a loon zooming all over the store, and then back to the same aisle over and over and over again to get more of the same stuff every time!!   Oh well. At the end of the day, I'll have: Oatmeal, Oatmeal Scotchies, Oatmeal Chocolate Chip, and Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Chip. But no oatmeal raisins, because I just don't like them. If I come across a dark chunk in a cookie, I want it to be chocolate, not fruit.   And that's today's insanity... I have to go... I have 5 pacakages of cookies to make, and a kitchen to clean before that can happen!! ACK!
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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Amazon Wishlists

I have a series of wishlists at Amazon... search for hjourdenjackson@gmail.com and you'll find me. Some are organised by artist/show, some are just random "dumping" grounds where I put items until I have enough to justify a themed list.   I don't know if these links will work or not... but if they do, it might make things easier.   Star Trek George Harrison WishList The Beatles Paul McCartney John Lennon Ringo Starr Munchkin (It should be noted that Munchkin Cthuhlu comes out this month, we think... but I'll be buying it for myself so I can support my local game shop.
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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Lush Wishlist

I can't figure out how to add my Lush wishlist link... so I'm copying and pasting it in instead...   I think the stock number will tell you what the product is... I don't know... when I tried emailing it, I got a weird file. Like I said, I don't know... Your wishlist currently contains:   X Stock SKU Description Quantity Price Subtotal 2601 Ne Worry Pas $5.25 $5.25 Move To Bag --> 2158 Think Pink $5.55 $5.55 Move To Bag --> 18 All That Jasmine $5.40 $5.40 Move To Bag --> 2429 Black Pearl $4.45 $4.45 Move To Bag --> 2159 Sakura $5.50 $5.50 Move To Bag --> 52 Avobath $5.40 $5.40 Move To Bag --> 2465 The Happy Pill $5.70 $5.70 Move To Bag --> 2171 Honey Bee $5.60 $5.60 Move To Bag --> 2172 Blackberry $5.40 $5.40 Move To Bag --> 032 Big Blue $5.40 $5.40 Move To Bag --> 2607 Dream On $4.25 $4.25 Move To Bag --> 157 Sex Bomb $5.60 $5.60 Move To Bag --> 12 Butterball $4.50 $4.50 Move To Bag --> 2354 Youki-Hi $5.50 $5.50 Move To Bag --> 2476 Golden Slumbers $5.60 $5.60 Move To Bag --> 2463 Romance In A Stone $4.45 $4.45 Move To Bag --> 2363 Chelsea Garden $5.50 $5.50 Move To Bag --> 2477 Still Life $5.30 $5.30 Move To Bag --> 039 Fairy Jasmine $5.75 $5.75 Move To Bag --> 2478 Tea and Sympathy $5.30 $5.30 Move To Bag --> 22374 Party On $10.70 $10.70 Move To Bag --> 22371 Whoosh $9.90 $9.90 Move To Bag --> 741 Bathos $5.95 $5.95 Move To Bag --> 2487 Flosty Gritter $5.45 $5.45 Move To Bag --> 2485 Marathon Bar $5.45 $5.45 Move To Bag --> 2468 The Comforter $8.45 $8.45 Move To Bag --> 742 Blue Skies $9.95 $9.95 Move To Bag --> 2151 Ma Bar $6.95 $6.95 Move To Bag --> 2471 Pop In The Bath $5.95 $5.95 Move To Bag --> 2484 Temple of Truth $5.85 $5.85 Move To Bag --> 740 Amandopondo $5.95 $5.95 Move To Bag --> 2189 French Kiss $7.95 $7.95 Move To Bag --> 2482 Sunny Side $5.85 $5.85 Move To Bag --> 601 Dreamtime $5.25 $5.25 Move To Bag --> 592 Ceridwen $7.75 $7.75 Move To Bag --> 2154 Something Wicked This Way Comes $5.45 $5.45 Move To Bag --> 2160 In The Nude $5.45 $5.45 Move To Bag --> 2153 Elixir $5.25 $5.25 Move To Bag --> 2156 Youve Been Mangoed $5.50 $5.50 Move To Bag --> 2387 Whoosh Balm $7.95 $7.95 Move To Bag -->
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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Etsy Wishlist

Here's my slowly growing Etsy wishlist. It's things that I think look nifty and would fit in well in the house, or things that I think would be interesting/worth trying. They're just ideas, and I'll probably share this with family eventually... since they're always bugging me for ideas, too.   Also Neats:   This neatly feeds into my addiction to games.   This feeds into my neat and nerdy mug deal... not that I need more mugs... And actually... this store trips all sorts of nifty nerd buttons of joy in me... I think I LOVE this store.   And this is just kinda nifty...   This is lovely.   And I think this makeup might be worth trying...
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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My Top Ten (OK, 7)

I don't have a top ten, but here are my faves. I have 5mls of Et Lux Fuit, Empyreal Mists, and Titania.   Et Lux Fuit Empyreal Mists Kumiho Zephyr Phobos (though it gives me a headache) Bon Vivant Titania   It should be noted: I'm falling DEEEPLY in love with The Dormouse and O. And Strawberry Moon was nice. And I can wear Kumiho, but I haven't sniffed all the BPAL I own, or even all the soaps I own, because THAT'S what gave me bronchitis. (14 May 2007)
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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Layers Of You

LAYER ONE: -- Name: Heather -- Birth date: Nov 23 -- Height: 5'2" -- Righty or Lefty: Right -- Zodiac Sign: Sag cusp (with Scorpio)   LAYER TWO: -- Your heritage: Northwest European Mutt... most of my family's been here for 100+ years -- The shoes you wore today: None. Home sick -- Your weakness: Chocolate. Dark Chocolate with cinnamon. -- Your fears: Spiders, Flushing the toilet after dark... living by myself -- Your perfect pizza: Um... dunno. Love Supreme/Works type pizzas on thick crusts -- Goal you'd like to achieve: Raising sane children who raise sane children   LAYER THREE: -- Your thoughts first waking up: Go 'way! (usually the cat wants to be fed or the dog wants out or both) -- Your best physical feature: My eyes. Gorgeous eyes that usually hide behind thick glasses -- Your most missed memory: The last summer I had with my father/the last time I saw him alive (it was the following Oct)   LAYER FOUR: --- What instruments can you play? None, but I sing --- Are you ticklish? Massively. The right look can tickle me. <~~What she said --- Are you shy? Not really --- Are you a morning person? No. Not remotely. Not even close. Even when I'm up before nine, I'm never fully awake until after 9 am.   LAYER FIVE: -- Smoke: No -- Cuss: More than I should -- Sing: Yup -- Do you think you've been in love: I know I am. -- Like(d) high school: See... High school was... there was so much outside of high-school that had nothing to do with high-school... that... eugh. -- Want to get married: Been married nearly 9 years -- Believe in yourself: If I didn't, would I cease to exist? -- Get along with your parent(s): Complicated question... Dad's dead, Mom's a bigger drama queen than I am (quite the feat, thank you) and my adoptive parents are wonderful but have their quirks... and there's his parents, too... mostly, yes. -- Like thunderstorms: LOVE THEM. Alas, they seem to come with tornado watches here.   LAYER SIX: -- What do you want to be when you grow up? I have to grow up? NO!!! OK, fine... Um... A Mommy. -- What country would you most like to visit? I want to visit EVERYWHERE, but I think I'd cry if I never got to go to Europe, ESP France and Great Britain & Ireland   LAYER SEVEN: -- Number of CDs that I own: More than I wanna count just now -- Number of piercings: 1 in each ear that still works -- Number of tattoos: 0 -- Number of scars on my body: Um... Dunno... appendectomy, some cat scratches, old burns... at least 9-10.   LAYER EIGHT -- What crafts do you do? crochet, counted cross stitch, some beading -- Number of languages you speak: English, French, Spanish, enough German to make an idiot of myself... studied some biblical Greek, Japanese, Italian, Russian, and Portugese -- Number of books you read in a year: I've slowed down of late. I don't know.   LAYER NINE: --What's your favorite season? Autumn or winter. I love the colors of autumn, I love the snow of winter. Alas, I live in OK... we rarely get much of either (though this year I've gotten a bit of both!! YAY!!) --Who's your favorite figure in History? Dunno. Jeanne D'Arc maybe? --Hair Colour? Naturally, light honeyed brown. But I dye it auburn and nobody ever realizes that it's not my natural color because I keep it so close.
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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About You

what's your name? - Heather how old are you? - 29 do you have any kids? - no. what kind of music do you like? - classic rock, christian contemporary, classical... any favorite bands? - The Beatles, The Stones, Aerosmith, Mercy Me, Third Day ever been to a concert? - yeah anything crazy ever happened at one? - I was mistaken for my mother's mother... she was acting like an idiot, and I was minding my baby sister, so the stranger behind us thought I was the parent and she was the idiot kid. ever met anyone famous? - Ben Stein, Garth Brooks, Trisha Yearwood if you could spend time alone with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? - That's a hard question, but sitting here, sick, tired, and just a few weeks past the 12th anniversary of his death... I'd pick Dad... assuming that he were himself, and not just some reanimated rotting corpse. what would you do with that time? - Tell him how much I miss him, about his grandchildren (my sister's 2 kids), about the good man I married and what I made of myself, and about how I can't drive through an intersection in a town he's never been in without thinking of him because something about it reminds me of the way he died, and that I have to drive near or through it nearly every day... so I think of him all the time. I'd tell him how proud I am to have been his daughter... how his picture is still up in my home... how much I regret not writing to him as much as he wanted when he was alive. I would tell my sweet, precious Daddy that he succeeded... I think I'm the kind of woman a father could be proud of. I'd want him to know that. do you like animals? - depends on the animal. do you have any pets? - 2 dogs, 2 cats. Have had a rabbit & fish, Dad had snakes, my Gram had a bird, there was a time I had a guinea pig as a wee tot... if you were in a hurry to get somewhere but saw an injured dog on the highway, would you stop? - I might or I might not. If it was clear that it was past help, I wouldn't. But I've taken animals to the vet in the past to be taken care of. do you stop to help turtles across the road - dunno that I've ever been driving when I encountered that situation... if I have at all... who are your heroes? - firemen, EMTs, cops, soldiers... ordinary people who put their lives on the line to help others do you drink alcohol? what kind? - rarely... wine, sweet fru-fru stuff if you could go back in time, what would you change? - I might have written to my father more. Maybe. But the big things shape who we are too much. Even the stuff you'd expect me to change I wouldn't. what is important to you? - my loved ones... esp my husband. my faith. any tats? how many? where? describe? - nope piercings? - my ears were peirced twice, now the second hole has healed over, and I never wear more than studs in the first, and not often. did you have a happy childhood? - it wasn't the worst it could have been, and I do have many happy memories (especially with my Dad) but no, I didn't have a happy childhood. No sane person would call my childhood even remotely happy. what do you drive? - 1988 Plymouth Reliant K Station Wagon with just under 78000 miles on it. I don't drive much. political beliefs? - I'm conservative in my beliefs, but most politicians are just dirty. The few men I know in office that I trust I vehement oppose labelling them as politicians... they're not two-faced. religious beliefs? - Bible-Believing Christian. smoke? - nope... allergic to the smoke cry easily? - very what are your dreams, what would you like to see happen with your life? - I want to raise children that are freed from the emotional bondage I grew up in, who actually live the promise we all have, and who might, actually, be happy and raise happy children who raise happy children.... I want to change my family tree for the better. do you wish on stars? - not really ever had a wish come true? - I've had prayers answered, but I don't know about wishes come true. favorite cartoon characters? - I don't know. Maybe Stewie Griffin? favorite all time song? - I like too many songs to pick one out can you dance? - I can move semi-rhythmically to music, but I doubt that counts. sing? - I try. I sing in choir (which I skipped today because I seem to be getting bronchitis) what's the kindest thing someone has done for you? - love me. what makes you happy? - all sorts of things... little things... doing things for other people makes me happy. Knowing someone thought of me makes me happy. Seeing something silly makes me happy. Songs make me happy. Driving through The Intersection without having a panic attack makes me happy. hobbies? - Um... I collect games, I crochet, cross-stitch, have recently taken up some beading... talents? - I write. Poetry mostly, but some other things, too.
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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If You Knew Me At All...

If you knew me at all, you'd know that   I frequently and joyfully declare myself to be odd, weird, a freak, nerd, dork, or geek.   I am a total drama queen, but I'm trying to be sane about it.   I act in small productions... church, community theatre... met my husband that way.   I have 4 sisters, a brother in law, and between them (the youngest sister doesn't have any children yet) I have a dozen neices and nephews.   I'm deathly afraid of spiders and flushing the toilet after dark.   I can't watch horror movies after dark in my own home. I won't start a horror/suspense/thriller movie if it will end after the sun's gone down. I'll go to other people's houses, I'll go to theatres... but I can't sleep in the same house where I just saw a horror movie in the dark.   I despise the smell of seafood. I'm not allergic to it, but the odor makes me ill. I grew up on the East Coast of the US, near a place that apparently burned the seafood as it spoiled, so there was the concentrated odor of burning, rotting seafood all the time... can't get past it. I've tried.   I'm very emotionally attatched to my pets, probably more than my husband would care to admit, though not as much as some seem to be. The thought of losing them makes me cry, and I wrote a poem about it once.   I'm cheerfully underemployed, but a full-time volunteer for my church.   I'm blissfully happily married.   My husband and I's first date was my 19th birthday, he proposed on my 20th, and exactly 6 months later, we were married... and it still took him 6 years to remember "23" was the important date.   It breaks my heart that I can't have children, but I'm waiting for the day when I know it's right to adopt.   I LOVE CHOCOLATE.   I can't have caffeine or carbonation anymore.     I think I'm rambling...
hjourdenjackson

hjourdenjackson

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