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BPAL Madness!
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perfume-related ramblings that can't go anywhere else because I'd bore the pants off anyone reading

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POTENTIAL Veils and Mists: will update with TAL review once I get ahold of it

You know when you look back on something you've done, or a way you've behaved, and you just want to disappear and hope nobody ever thinks of you again? You know when you read articles about toxic people and you're like... "Wait, I think *I'm* the toxic person. The call has been coming from inside the house this whole time!"   ...perhaps it's just me. Either I have overactive guilt/shame reflexes, or I just do crappy/embarrassing things more often than most people, or maybe both. Who can say! In 20 years I'll probably have enough perspective to tell the difference. But right now, I'm pretty sure I've done the wrong thing. Again.   I'm still working on finding solutions to the behaviours in myself that I want to change. That's an ongoing process, and it feels sometimes like it's just a sequence of falling on my face again - and again - and again - and irritating, aggravating, or hurting any number of people in the process. I do look at myself now and see that I am miles ahead of where I was five years ago, which is good. But in the interim -- sometimes I just want people not to think about me, or talk about me, or feel any type of way about me at all. I don't like being the subject of gossip, and I don't like the idea that my behaviour could get someone else down. In those moments, I just want to draw a veil over myself, separating me from the rest of the world. Giving me a little peace and respite from other people's thoughts and feelings, and giving other people a little respite from the effects and consequences of my behaviour.    That, I think, is a good place for Veils and Mists to come in. I'd never thought about it as a TAL I'd want to have in my life, but increasingly it feels useful or even necessary to me. I'm not sure how I'd judge its effectiveness because that would require proving a negative, and an impossible one at that -- "Prove other people HAVEN'T been privately gossiping about me or feeling bad about things I said or did!" Nevertheless, I'd like to be able to send that energy out into the world, with some serious oomph behind it courtesy of the Lab. I'll try and get my hands on a bottle and update this entry if/as events warrant.
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TAL Reviews: Radiance of Ra + Block Buster for banishing negativity

METHOD: Anointed a small natural-white paraffin pillar candle with Radiance of Ra + Block Buster to banish circling negative thoughts. Worked very well.   I found myself stuck in a rut of negativity, where I was feeling down on myself in general and convinced I'd done something wrong to alienate one person in particular. There was a lot of negative self-talk, which not only felt crappy, but also impeded my ability to get on with my life.   I dressed a candle with Radiance of Ra and Block Buster. I envisioned bright rays of sunshine breaking through the fug of negativity, clearing out those heavy shadows in the mind, and busting through the blocks of insecurity and negative self-talk I'd stacked up in my own path. I thought about eliminating the "lies and deceptions" of low self-esteem, which were telling me that I'm not good enough and soon everyone would find out.   As soon as I lit the candle, I felt better. I stood up straighter, and the circling negative thoughts just -- stopped. I wasn't distracted by self-criticism. I attacked a task I'd been avoiding and felt good about it. I cooked dinner and enjoyed it. I reread the email to the person I thought I'd alienated -- which I had been avoiding -- and concluded it was perfectly harmless and if he didn't like it, that wasn't on me. I realised I'd done the best I could, and I should continue to do the best I could, and that was that. I just felt better right away. It was amazing.   I haven't experienced any vim and vigor yet, and I don't feel particularly energized, but that might be because I'm pretty sleep deprived right now. Will report back if that changes.   Additionally: I'm thinking of starting to make my own hand-poured soy wax candles using TAL oils, 
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15 years later...

I started collecting about 15 years ago, went on hiatus in 2009, and never really picked it back up (apart from the odd purchase direct from the Lab, mostly refills of Snake OIl). Here are the ones I'm keeping. It's heavy on limited editions because that's what always seems pressing to keep -- I always feel like if I want a GC, I can just order it from the Lab, but LEs I have to hoard. (And Snake Oil I have to cellar!)   BOTTLES BPTP exclusive La Fee Verte (2005) -- 1 10mL bottle and 1 5mL decant -- "Sugared wormwood, hyssop and melissa with calamus, angelica and Dittany of Crete, blended with a Bohemian perfume of vanilla musk, honey absolute and Moroccan spices" BPTP exclusive Naughty or Nice: Snow Angel (2005) -- 1 bottle, 90% -- "Cherubic spun sugar with a hint of lemon, sparkling peach, and floral tea" (2008 resurrection) 1 decant, 50% BPTP exclusive Naughty or Nice: Fee (2005) -- 1 bottle, full -- "A buoyant, dulcet blend of vanilla, sunflower, carnation, honeydew, peach blossom, lychee, oakmoss and white tea" Carnaval Noir: Snake Charmer (2005 original release, paper label) -- 2 partial bottles, 30% and 10% (10% has lost its label); 1 decant, 60% -- "Arabian musk and exotic spices slinking through Egyptian amber, enticing vanilla, and a serpentine blend of black plum, labdanum, ambrette, benzoin and black coconut" Snake Charmer (first resurrection, I think 2007?) -- 1 partial bottle, 10% Snake Charmer (second resurrection) -- 1 bottle, full Carnaval Noir: Midway (2005 original release, paper label) -- 1 partial bottle, 75%; 1 decant, 80% -- "A bombardment of edible carnival indulgences. Funnel cake, caramel apple, cotton candy, salt water taffy and sugar tart" Ingenue (2004) -- 1 10mL cobalt bottle, 30% -- "Wild clover and gentle melon interlaced with violet leaf, water lilies, smooth wooden notes, and blushing rose" Lunacy: Bitter Moon (2006) -- 1 bottle, full -- "Nepal poppy, lotus root, wild rose, and blue hibiscus with blackberry, tonka, sage, lavender, peony and vetiver" Lupercalia: Smut (paper label, I think pre-2006 first release) -- 1 partial bottle, 75%; 1 decant, 75% -- "Three swarthy, smutty musks sweetened with sugar and woozy with dark booze notes" Monster Bait: Closet (pre-2006) -- 1 bottle, full; 1 decant, 50% -- "Bourbon blackberry buttercream over red velvet cake." Monster Bait: Underpants (pre-2006) -- 1 bottle, 90% -- "Sexy sugar-smeared saffron sandalwood over lickable vanilla cream with a splash of butter rum" Perversion (pre-2006, paper label cobalt bottle) -- 1 partial bottle, 25% -- "Smoky rum and black tobacco with a whisper of steamy leather with a splash of crystalline chardonnay, layered over a sensual, sweet, and deceptively magnetic base of tonka" Single Note: Siberian Musk (2012) -- 1 partial bottle, 60% (pre-2006 original single note series) 1 decant, full Snake Oil -- (2015) 1 partial bottle, 30%, kicking myself for not stocking up! -- "A blend of exotic Indonesian oils sugared with vanilla" OR "deep, rich earthy notes swirled with vegetal musks, sugared vanilla bean, and dark spices" (August 2006) 1 decant, 30% I made myself one decant from my first-ever bottle of Snake Oil. Holy &%*#. (pre-2019 direct from Lab) 1 imp, full (2019 reformulation) 4 bottles -- won't even touch these until they are 5 years old (2024). We will see how they stack up to the original. (2022 reformulation) 2 bottles -- can't touch these till 2029 Snow, Glass, Apples (2008) -- 1 bottle, 60% -- no note description Yule: Skadi (2004 original release, paper label cobalt bottle) -- 1 partial bottle, 25% -- "The Snow-Shoe Goddess, Giantess, the Norse embodiment of winter. Frost-rimed winter berries, crisp pine needle, and a slush of bright snowy notes Voodoo Queen (2006) -- 1 partial bottle, 60% -- no note description   IMPS/DECANTS (not listed above) BPTP exclusive ???? - Snowblind (2004) -- 1 partial decant, 30% -- "The perfect vanilla mint" (2008 resurrection) 1 partial decant, 50% interestingly, these decants have aged totally differently. the 2004 edition is still light and delicate, while the 2008 resurrection is much heavier on the vanilla and has become dark and viscous BPTP exclusive Trick or Treat: Treat #1 (2007) -- 1 partial decant, 50% -- "A super-sweet, glittering mountain of crushed hard candy: watermelon, pink lime, lemon, strawberry and piles upon piles of crystalline sugar" Carnaval Noir: Freak Show -- 1 decant and 1 partial decant, 80% -- "fig, pomegranate and cocoa bean with lemon, bergamot, vanilla, mellow honey musk, calamus and tonka" Snow White (2004 original release) -- 1 partial decant, 10% -- "flurries of virgin snow, crisp winter wind and the faintest breath of night-blooming flowers" I should probably buy a full bottle of this from the Lab   TAL AND VOODOO BLENDS, BOTTLES AND DECANTS Arabian Nights -- 1 bottle, full Bat's Blood -- 1 near-empty bottle, drops only -- very old squat cobalt bottle from 2004 Bend Over -- 1 partial bottle 30% Black Cat -- 1 bottle, full Blessings of Isis -- 1 bottle, full Block Buster -- 1 partial bottle, 75% Caliph's Beloved -- 1 bottle, 90% Charisma - 1 bottle and 1 partial bottle, 30%, the latter an old paper label bottle Clean the Air -- 1 bottle, full French Creole -- 1 bottle, 95% Hymn to Pan -- 1 bottle and 1 partial bottle, 20%, the latter an old cobalt bottle Magnet -- 1 bottle and 1 partial bottle, 10% Mantle of Venus -- 1 bottle, 85% Radiance of Ra -- 1 bottle, full White Light -- 1 bottle, full   Aunt Caroline's Money Bag -- 1 partial decant, 60% Aunt Caroline's Money Draw -- 1 decant, 80% Determination -- 1 partial decant, 10% Fiery Wall of Protection -- 1 partial decant, 40% dates from 2008 Horn of Plenty -- 1 imp direct from lab, full Ouroboros -- 1 decant, full dates from 2008 Queen -- 1 partial imp direct from Lab, 60%  
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Monster Bait: Closet -- a love affair

Monster Bait: Closet was one of the first three BPAL scents I ever tried. The other two were Monster Bait: Underbed, which got jettisoned pretty quickly, and Freak Show, which is a dear favourite. I have a stockpile of MB: Closet -- at one point I had three bottles, which since I have never used up an imp of anything seems a tad excessive. So today, I gave up on my usual policy of using BPAL sparingly, and just slathered. OM NOM NOM.   I need to reiterate my love for this scent. It's blackberry booze on me, at least at first; underneath is this heavy sorta-chocolatey sweetness that I guess is the Red Velvet cake. It stays true the whole time I'm wearing it, and envelops me in this heavy, creamy, sweet-berry warmth which nonetheless isn't too tart. It is one of the first scents I ever fell hard for, and remains firmly on the "Can't Live Without" list. If you have never tried it, do so. It's a stunner.
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LUSH: Hey Blondie

Trying to figure out a haircare regime that will coddle and lighten my fine, ash-blonde hair. I'm now using The Blonde shampoo and Marilyn hair mask, which I think will become staples as they both lighten nicely; but I'm finding that the blonde colour they deposit is more yellow than I would like, so I'm thinking about following up with Daddy-O shampoo. I'm also considering investing in a pot of Jasmine Henna Fluff-Eaze hair mask, not that my hair needs deep-conditioning but just to make it a little silkier and shinier. Still experimenting on finding a good conditioner. I think Veganese is going to be it for my regular conditioner, but I'd also like to invest in some Jungle for when I shampoo with Daddy-O and Big (both of which are much more drying than The Blonde).   I have: Marilyn x 4 Big x 2 The Blonde x 2 SAMPLE Veganese SAMPLE Jungle   I want: Jasmine-Henna x 1 Daddy-O x 1 (250mL) >> these two will fall under the Clean Slate promotion Veganese -- whenever they have it back in stock Jungle -- sometime next month, I'll splurge on a piece of this
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Isle of Eden: Enthusiasms and Reservations

So I placed my first order with Isle of Eden today. I've been wanting to try their stuff for some time, particularly their shampoo/conditioner since theirs get really good reviews. I signed onto the forum and had a good look through some of the review threads and the photos, and while I'm certainly excited about a lot, I'm not sure their stuff will become a staple for me.   Little things are important. I appreciate when people pay attention to detail; it shows pride in one's own work, and respect for one's clients. IoE's scrubs are coloured, and in the photos on the website the colour is always bright and pretty and appealing. After a peek through peoples' photos, a lot of scrubs seem to have colour that's really poorly-blended, marbled, or just not very true at all. Also, the same item will be packaged several different ways -- sometimes even in the same order! Three 8oz bottles of shampoo will come in three different containers.   But it's the content that counts, right? Well, as far as the colour is concerned, if you're not bothered enough about it to do it right and the content is all that matters anyway, why add colour in the first place? Either blend it well, so that it looks appealing (that's the only purpose the stuff serves after all) or don't put any in at all. And as for the different containers, I just don't get why you wouldn't buy one sort of container and stick to it. If you're changing how you package your product, tell your customers -- it affects how your products are used, especially for slippery hands in the shower. Stuff like this does matter.   Compare this to the way the Lab does business -- or even to Villainess soaps. If there's a packaging change, or the thing-to-be-shipped doesn't look like the thing-in-the-picture, Brooke lets us know. If a formula is experimental and subject to change, Brooke lets us know. Everything in your order looks and feels like what you were expecting it to look and feel like.   IoE's stuff may work just as well as I'd like it to. But the care that goes into BPAL or Villainess isn't apparent, at least from what I've seen. So I'll enjoy what's coming in the mail, but that's about it.
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I"m so glad I gave SMUT another chance...

...I've worn it two days in a row, and it smells /amazing/. I can't think how I didn't like it the first time around.   I've been out of the comm for a while, so coming back and seeing how scents are valued differently than they were when I left is very strange. When I first got into BPAL, Mitzvah was the second-least-sought-after NN inquisition scent, and Snowblind imps were going for $20 apiece; I really don't think they would sell if you tried to do that now, because Snowblind Mania has passed. Spooky Mania also seems to have subsided, because nobody really pays it much mind anymore; Snake Charmer is still going pretty strong, Underpants went through an upswing, and Midway rose in value again and then fell (again!). Except for a few things like Storyville, Underpants and VQ (bottle prices for those are setting records) people seem less willing to pay a lot for their scent. $15 decants aren't really selling anymore, and $10 decants -- well, people have to think about it, they don't go like hot cakes. To my mind, that's a good thing.
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Product Love, Take Two

My hoarded, standards, best-beloved and kept-in-stock products   LUSH Snowcake soap *** Lip Lite lip balm Butterball bath bomb   Villainess Scintillating smooch! Scintillating whipped!   Tval Frosty Pop skin smoothie (custom blend) Frosty Pop bath treat
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I feel horrible

Couldn't sleep until 2AM last night, worrying and feeling crappy. Woke up at 6:30 instead of 5:30 because of it. Woke up feeling horrible.   Worst weekend, aside from the weekend my Uncle Jim died, in my memory. I'm just clinging to the hope that somehow this will all be over soon.
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Ah-hahahaha! I am the Queen of BPAL from Afar!

Squeeee! Thanks to the ass-saving generosity of my dear beloved father whom I love and adore, I have a Thunder Moon order!   Thunder Moon Cancer (I've been looking forward to this for SO. LONG.) Selkie (yaaaay! my therianthropic is /awesome/!)   Other outstanding order: Blue Moon 2007 Brisingamen     Oh, hearts and flowers, hearts and flowers I'm sooo excited for the Cancer blend. I was expecting it to be a rose/chamomile scent because those are the plants most often associated with Cancer, and I wouldn't have been at all unhappy with that -- but wild lettuce? that sounds yummy, gentle, cool and vaguely sweet. I promised myself that no matter what (unless it was, like, black musk and ambergris and red wine or something) I'd order my birth-month moon and therianthropic. I'm hopeful for Selkie, although I'm shaky on Thunder Moon -- it sounds lovely but a little too masculine/aquatic for me. I'll try it, and persevere, and persevere, and God Dammit my force of will shall prevail.   squeeeee!
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SCREAM

I called the Superintendent of Pfoho, and /finally/ got ahold of him He said he's going to mail out all my packages to me today! YAAAAAAY!!!   I really hope he does! Oh that's so good, i really want my goodsmellies.
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I just said something Imunna get smacked around for

Generally I refrain from commenting on BPAL-related issues because the community is kind of touchy, and if you get a bad name from your opinions that'll likely be reflectected in who will buy, sell, or swap with you. To two community members, I've done the same thing myself; and I've gotten caught up in the fandom's crazy-sensitivity before, and it took a reality check for me to get my head out of my butt.   Against my better judgment I weighed in on the issue of pricing/who to sell to and how. I've gotten really good deals on some bottles I wanted to try, and I've made money when I re-sold those bottles after careful thought and found that they totally failed on me, no matter how much I wanted to like them. I have Snow White 2004 in mind here. I've also lost a lot of money in my obsession, by eating shipping costs, reselling bottles at significantly lower prices than I bought for, and in some cases selling underpriced bottles because I wanted to. On balance, I'm still hugely in the red as far as my obsession goes. The concept of 'profit' is utterly alien. For me, the cost is worth it for the delight of sniffing so many scents -- but that doesn't change the fact that it's money I'll never recoup. I don't think I (or anyone else) should be criticised for trying to decrease our losses as much as we can. There are people who try to squeeze every last dime that they can out of their BPAL -- I'm not one of them, nor I believe are most people who sell at higher than they bought. There are other ways to give back to the community, like offering special discounts for n00bs, or selling them things that you'd otherwise only swap away. I've done the latter, and I've seen and applauded people doing the former. You're also not obliged to sell to just whoever comes your way -- if someone pings you and says "I really really really want this bottle" you can take them at their word and offer it to them, even for a discount if it's what you think is fair.   On the subject of ebay, stop bellyaching about letting the market decide what to pay for things. If you don't want to pay $100 for a bottle of perfume, then don't! It's just perfume! If it matters that much more to someone else, then let them have it and keep quiet. Either shell out the money and lose the exact same amount of options they do*, or realise that if you lose the auction, you'll live.   In my own swapping, I tend to favour first people I've dealt with before. There are a couple of people (Chrisann comes to mind) who are just a joy to deal with, and a few more that I've dealt with so many times that I give them preference because of how good they've always been to me. After that, I tend to deal with people who have a good reputation in the community and n00bs. If I find someone who /really/ wants a scent, I like to give it to them if I reasonably can -- I sold an imp of Beaver Moon that I wanted to save for swaps, because the gal was a newbie and I know how hard it is to break into the market and what you usually have to shell out to do so. But the BPAL community /isn't/ a free market -- it's a heavily controlled market, both by price caps in most selling venues and the politics of the fandom. That's good and bad. The good part is, it limits pure profiteering, and ensures that by and large the emphasis is on enjoying scented art instead of narrowly reducing each purchase to a risk/benefit analysis. The bad part is, the politics of opinion are fierce and a little paranoid, and if you're a rare collector building strong relationships is much more important than it should be. The field of people who hold real rares is small, and the people willing to swap those rares is even smaller. It's a microcosm of the world, impacted more intensely. I'm out of rare-collecting, mostly; I sold off most of my rares a while ago, and those that I've kept are for the purposes of briefly testing, then dangling out as bait for the few scents I collect heavily.   --- *I tend to think of money in terms of how many options you give up when you lose it or give it away. Money is worth different things to different people, some people have more or less, and some people have to work much harder than others to scrape together much less. But it's much easier to compare how much freedom or what kind of options a sum of money gives you, since those are much closer between different groups of people.
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I have a tea set!

I am very pleased with myself. I managed to find a tea set that I like and that didn't toally break the bank. Between Mom (for my birthday present) and I, I have a teapot, two teacups, three mugs (which don't quite match but whatever), a cream and sugar set, and a tea caddy. Yaaay materialism!
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Christmas Presents

Wheeee! I have Christmas presents for seven people on my list already! Next year's roommates' gifts are already wrapped, as are the gifts for my four older-than-me Toronto friends. I have a good idea what I'm getting my mother and my Godmother, and I have a present for Janet, my Spiritual Advisor (in heavy quotation marks). I also know what I'm getting one of my grandmothers, and I have half of the gift for my beloved girlfriend in the hand and the other half planned out. The following are the gifts I still need to organise:   DONE: Allison(vanilla), Kirsten(jasmine), Care(orange), Tory(pink sugar), Janet(gardenia), Haiwen(honeysuckle), Lisa(mint and black tea), Eleanor(vanilla sugar), Mom(sugar pear and earrings), Nanny Greene(apricot freesia), my Godmother(cocoa sandalwood), Amy (she reads this journal so she doesn't get to know yet!) TO FIND: Hannah -- this has to be special Jenny -- ditto Daddy -- will probably be a CD Nanny Rowe -- looking for something in Rome Caitlin -- something small but appropriate and shiny. must be shiny. Isaac W -- almost certainly a book Ian -- not sure if I'm getting him anything. Only if I see something. TO FIND FOR MY MOTHER TO GIVE TO PEOPLE: Brenda, Joan, Mary -- I have gifts in mind for these three, from Tval! Gary -- he's a challenge to buy for, and I'm better at gifts than mother. Jane and Stewart -- if Mom won't find them anything nice I will take it upon myself to correct her rudeness.   Luffluffluff buying presents for people I have 100 Euros for my 10 days in Rome (not nearly enough, but Mom will probably be willing to lend me another 25 or so). I'm looking for a gift for Nanny, with a budget of 35; something small for Caitlin, with a budget of 12; something for Jenny, with a tentative budget of 13 (if I find something she'll love, though, I won't pay any attention to that); and something for Amy, but I've no idea what it will be so I suppose we'll have to see. Ah well.
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Sleeping Paralysis

Am I the only one that this happens to?   Sometimes when I wake up, I can't move. Or I can move imperfectly. I'll be awake and conscious inside my head, screaming at my body to forget getting up, just move my fingers properly, and they just won't. Sometimes I can't move at all, oftentimes I can kind of flop around -- like I'll be able to shift my arm a little bit, but forget fine motor control, and moving anything major is out of the question. Oftentimes I have some degree of control over my head -- I can turn my neck, but occasionally I have imperfect control over parts of my face, so I either can't open my eyes properly or it's a struggle to close my mouth. It doesn't happen often, but although it's been happening since I was about nine it still creeps me out every time. It lasts anywhere from ten or fifteen seconds to, on one memorable occasion, about a minute and a half. Usually what happens is I have to focus on the part of the body I can move, and make it move as much as I can, which will often increase slightly with time -- and then all of a sudden I'll manage to jerk it particularly far, and my control will come flooding back again all at once.   I wonder what this is?
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Tval: new bath and body obsession

Tval. Go now, to the nicey smelly body stuff and drool.   Based out of St. John's Newfoundland (which is where I am right now) they also sell through www.thesoapboxco.com -- another place I drop huge wads of cash. I am trying to rein in my body product obsession and restrict myself to a few favourites, and so far it's working, but the Tval tub treats are really too templting to resist -- and at $3 apiece, are much less expensive than Lush's monstrosities. They also don't smell as strongly, which may be a negative for some but in my view is a plus as I do not like things clashing with my perfume (this is why I don't buy Lush hair products anymore -- apart from being stupidly expensive, they also smell to the high heavens. /Days/ after washing my hair and I still can't get rid of the smell of American Cream.) I just had a bath with a Frosty Pop treat, and my skin is soooo soooooft, and with just the barest you-really-have-to-look-for-it sniff of vanilla pine. Yumm.   They also make a line of products scented like Green Tea Ice Cream. Luff at first delicately-scented sniff.   My Staples Villainess Scintillating Smooch Villainess Scintillating Soap Tval Green Tea Ice Cream Skin Smoothie Tval Green Tea Ice Cream Soap for summer -- Heaven and Earth Essentials Voodoo Punani Whipped Body Souffle for summer -- Heaven and Earth Essentials Voodoo Punani Bath Bombs   Almost every girl on my Xmas list is getting /some/thing from Tval this year. You have been warned.
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Interview with the Vampire

The acting: so bad! So universally awful!   The dialogue: so melodramatic! - but predictably so, I wasn't expecting anything less, and I'm even relishing its blue-cheese-like deliciousness. But honestly guys, stop poncing about speaking in low, mysterious, dramatic voices and start talking like normal people, mmkay? I mean, there's a point.   Verdict on the film: Whoever did the music for that film fails at life on an epic scale. Music should enhance mood, not distract from the film itself. Brad Pitt, as attractive a man as I'm willing to admit he is, should not have long hair -- it is really not a good look for him. Equally, long hair looks truly heinous on Antonio Banderas. I appreciate androgyny much, much more than the next girl, but putting square-jawed Masculine Men in poncy outfits and then trying to make them look vaguely girly just doesn't work.   Brad Pitt's scenes with the interviewer were Not Good. His voice-over narrations were likewise poorly done, and although Tom Cruise really had his moments as crazy egotistical Lestat (typecasting?) he too often descended into the Low Mysterious Voice that forces me to restrain a giggle. Also, all of the men, particularly Armand, seemed to have this problem with their necks wherein they had to look at the world up through their eyebrows. It was most disconcerting.   And yet... and yet. Claudia was the high point of the film for me, and I love the relationship between her and Louis -- in the book she's a lot more scary and abhorrent, which I sort of missed, but as a character she makes me happy and Kirsten Dunst wasn't half-bad. (the Hellsing animated series, which is heavily derivative, offers a version of Claudia who's less bloodthirsty and creeptacular. sanitised, in other words.) And while I certainly wouldn't want to own the film, I can see watching it again -- and enjoying it for all its cheesy deliciousness. Anne Rice, like McDonald's french fries, has a special place in my heart.
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Neon Genesis Evangelion

I watched Death and Rebirth and The End of Evangelion today, because apparently I like pain. I keep coming back to Eva at different points in my life, watching it again and hoping to find some kind of answer -- because of how it resonates with me, and always has. I haven't found the answer yet. Or maybe it's there but too uncomfortable for me to think about. Either way, it's an exercise in frustration -- both because the series resonates so closely even now, and because it doesn't pretend to solve its characters' problems, and by extension my own.   Whether or not it's because I saw the series years ago and it made such an impact that the ideas were buried in my brain, many of the things Shinji thought and said are things that I did as well. Do, sometimes. Sometimes I think that giving up individuality isn't too high a price to pay for an end of loneliness and fear. Sometimes I just want it all to stop -- the constant insecurity and needing. There is no way out of that.     You can think yourself out of anything, if you try hard enough. The reason that despite some experimentation with drugs I seem incapable of getting high, is because I think myself down from it -- even though I've felt the physical effects of every drug I've tried, I've never experienced the concurrent effects on the mind, and people around me notice no change in my attitude or behaviour (except for wobbly walking). This is something that distresses me, because I could seriously use some chemically-enforced release, but also that I'm perversely proud of: see my iron self-control, look what I can do! My iron self-control has gotten me through a lot. It is also part of the reason that I am unhappy. I'm a creature of extremes: to find some resolution I'll need to either disregard that control entirely, or embrace it completely. The latter option, as isolating as it is, looks so tempting. Because I /know/ how to do that. I don't know how to be normal or let go.   These aren't new thoughts -- they're realisations i've come to before. That makes me wary of them, because it's like a groove I have worn in my brain, but it also makes them easier to believe. To sink into I-don't-know-how-so-I'll-give-up is to really take myself one step further towards turning into Shinji.
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Moon, bright and hard tonight

Tonight I was walking home from driving lesson and looked up at the sky... it was a perfect velvety sky, soft like the fuzz on a peach, completely starless and blue. Shining -- not glowing, as it often does -- was the bright white fingernail sliver of the moon, and beside it I'm not sure what, a planet or satellite or unusually bright star, one single pinpoint of light in the sky.
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Maybe I'm just using them wrong...

today RO and Hymn to Pan did zilch. Oh well, that's life, you win some you lose some, etc. It just means I'll start decanting from my bottles when I see ISO's for these guys.   I've swapped or sold most of the rare stuff I was wanting to cull from my collection. I feel better now that I have less stuff I don't use, but it's weird having the feeling of /not/ being able to swap for virtually anything I want anymore. I amassed a collection of rares and semi-rares such that when I wanted stuff stood a fairly good chance of finding someone to swap with; now I don't have that, and even though I'm happy to get stuff out of my way, it's a bit odd.   My bottle collection is also too big, but every time I try to cull it further I just can't choose. I love the scents I have so much and there aren't any that I want to get rid of; and I have a lot of new ones coming to me, as well -- 29 new scents, that I've never even sniffed before. I'm optimistic about at least half of them, but my tried-to-kept ratio tells me that I probably won't even consider keeping more than four or five. The rest will get swapped or sold.   I love BPAL fandom, it's so much fun -- and it's a product so worthy of notice as well, which makes me very happy -- but my initial wallet-busting enthusiasm has waned to the more sedate desire of wanting to have merely what I will use and love. I really like the idea of a signature scent, but unfortunately my changeable personality won't permit any such thing -- the closest I have is La Fee Verte, which I actually don't use that often in an effort to never run out. As I've written many times before, I want bottles of Brisingamen, Boomslang, Blue Moon and Tarot: The Hermit -- and then I think I'll make an effort to cut back my collection even further.   --   phooey... I have to go to bed early tonight (as in before 3, like last night/this morning) to be up and presentable for lunch with Richard at Lakes tomorrow. Not that I'm doing much at the moment any way... I'm indulging in the McDonald's French Fries of literature at the moment [Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels -- so bad, and yet so greasily delicious]. I have started rereading Pamela, oh God, and I want to get through the two collections of essays on British colonialism in the 18th and 19th century (respectively). I also want to start losing weight again, since I'm currently dissatisfied with the state of my figure, and I could definately stand to do some sit-ups -- my dancer abs have all but dissolved since I stopped Ballroom.   Still thinking about my SG application. While it would be awesome to do some sets, I'm not sure I'm quite the sort of girl they're looking for. Perhaps because I'm shy, somewhat retiring, not given to excess or presenting myself in a manner that causes people to make assumptions about me -- I just happen to be a budding nudist who's vain enough and mischievious enough to want to get her picture taken naked. I think, given a couple of shots of tequila to blank out my worry function, doing a set would be a lot of fun, and it'd put me in the same (broad, broad, broad) ballpark as some ladies I admire (and think are ridiculously attractive and I'd do them in a second). But the fact is that I still have self-confidence issues, lingering but inconsistent body-image issues, and a somewhat raised-eyebrow approach to my unfortunately high sex drive. We'll think on this.
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I love my boots

I am meeting Care for dinner today and I'm excited because I'm getting dressed up. On with my pink foofy dress which makes me look like I am five! On with my gorgeous six-inch-high PVC platform boots! And the best part is, my entire outfit cost me less than $40. Which is pretty awesome considering the boots alone are $85 regular price.   it is almost 2 in the afternoon and I am listening to "Ashes to Ashes" (David Bowie) and contemplating whether or not glitter eyeshadow would be too much, or so much too much it's just right. And I smell like Monster Bait: Closet. I am a happy kitty.     --- I am also trying out a combination of Road Opener and Hymn to Pan -- Road Opener on my palms, with a very small 'opening ritual' and a plea to bring new opportunities and clear my path, and Hymn to Pan on the back of the neck. Hymn to Pan doesn't get pulled out often -- the first time I wore this particular combination, it was /very/ effective, although the last two times I wore it it has been pale... and usually I use Hymn to Pan more for its element of 'rock star debauch' than specifically its sporadic fits of creativity and inspiration. I've never had much luck getting inspired, but I have had fun connecting to the part of me that I'm often too shy and self-conscious to allow out. Pan being as unpredictable as He is, however, I never quite know what I'm in for.   It'll be interesting either way!
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My HAEE order came today!

and it smells good!   I can't use the bath bombs or the tub cake yet because of my navel piercing, which hasn't healed... so if I want to take a bath, I have to get some tegaderm (first thing tomorrow). But the bath stuff is huge! So much larger than Lush stuff and so much less expensive! I'm not a huge fan of Lush anyway, except for Butterball and Candy Bar, but I may have just been converted. While the Lush bath bombs look nicer and are more firmly packed, the HAEE bombs are much larger -- I could probably use half a bomb per bath and get the same amount of fizz. The tub cakes are literally twice the size of the equivalent Lush product, and while I haven't tested their bubblebility yet, it can't be *that* much different. They also smell amaaaazing.   I ordered everything scented with Voodoo Punani It smells like I wanted Underpants to smell -- like coy, pin-up girl smex.   I also found rose-scented toothpaste. Yeah, I know. It was from a japanese company called Breath Palette -- they make toothpastes in 31 flavours. Like Baskin Robbins!
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Today I am Wearing: Pink Moon 05

I have a bottle containing about an imp of Pink Moon 05, and it doesn't get pulled out that often, largely because I don't /have/ a lot. But today I decided it was a Pink Moon day, and since Pink Moon 2007 is stuck in my mailbox in Boston, this was it. ((inhales wrist)) mm! I'm so glad I have this space to just ramble on about how much I love the scent of things, because honestly, Pink Moon 05 is beautiful -- a sweet, light, springy floral with a delicately candyish tone that just makes me smile. Nessa might like this one.   If I can find another 5mL of Pink Moon 05, I'll make up an imp of it for Nessa, along with an imp of my aged Snake Oil () and something else from my collection that she might like. Mayhap I'll send her some Shub, although I think that's more of a me scent than anything. Yaay enabling!     I am eating physalis and enjoying them immensely. The tiny tangy orange fruit taste weird, almost tomatoey except I detest tomatoes, and on occasion I quite like them. It's like eating a concentrated summer day, complete with everything I love and everything I dislike.
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