It feels like I'm in a holding pattern continually circling The. Big. Move.
I feel like have so much left to do and people to see and no time anymore. Yet I do. I have time to go to work and do chores. Like today. I have this afternoon. But I still have stuff to do. But it's all the boring empty and refilling boxes.
I need to find out if greeting cards count media mail. I am so fucked if not.
I need a job in New York for what feels like yesterday. But it's hard - esp in my back up retail, to be like yes I'll move out in three weeks. hozaboutthat? But not having a job definitely makes me nervous.
My mom, dad and Tom have all said they will not let me starve for that first non-job (maybe) month. So no real worries right? Well should not be. But I worry.
But then on days like today I'm like ho hum. I need to make money. how can I do that. hate telefund.
And I was just told that the will call for next month is going to be the day after I leave. *severe and SAD pout*
today was one of the best days ever. good enough to warrant the huge grant butt dance.
I went to lunch with Bonnie *my old nurtionist*, met with her as a mentor and as the surrogate mom she's always been. God it was so wonderful. I really love her. Two hours plus of great conversation. she said I taught her more than any other of her other clients ever
Then I went to coffee with Maria Pollia. What a joy. She is just light in person. Just one of those amazing people. And she actually thinks I'm pretty sweet as well (which makes me blush). Two hours of conversation. God I'll miss her
Dinner with mom and the kids. Got a check that will cover rent. happy.
oh yea and I got two job calls.
My first entry here and it's going to be a freak out :rollseyes: I thought I could pretend to be normal for a bit
This current freak out is brought about by several things:
1) Effexor withdrawal. I know this saga has now reached epic proportions but I've only just (as in the last day) stop taking ANY Effexor. This has sent my anxiety through the roof. Yah for panic attacks (or not - well thank god for brad paisley and klonopin). I think this is contributing to my freak out
2) I just really realized I have a month and a week before I LEAVE. I've kinda been avoiding mom's house cause I'll miss the kids so much. It seems stupid withdraw BEFORE I leave (I should be spending all this extra time right?) but now I'm freaking that I won't see everyone I want to/need to see before I leave. I'm always home during summer so this didn't feel too weird. but now I'm like FREAK
3) What if I Go Crazy Completely? while in nyc? I have done the really nutso thing before and it's not fun. (I had an eating disorder throughout high school and part of college which required hospitalization. I've been in remission for three years.) I'm totally freaking about not having a job yet (I know I have a month and I've been submitting for 2-3 weeks). What if I can't get hired at all and am generally totally fucked? Huge knot about that.
Anytime now I really think about anything I flip out completely. No medium. This has happened for the last two days and needs to fucking stop.
And I want Amy SO BAD right now. She would calm me down and we are back to think about amy then cry or at least tear up. I was <i>so</i> over that stage. It means you can't wear any eye makeup.
