October's venture made me realize that I need to test my top ten again, because Mag Mell dropped off my list! So I'll be working those in there, too. I'm trying to alternate days with LE's and GC's. Mostly, anyhow.
1: Dionysia (retry)
2: Phantom Queen
3: Gladdener of All Hearts
4: Bengal
5: Et Lux Fuit
6: Dana O'Shee
7: Tiki Queen
8: Earth Rat
9: Daiyu (retry)
10: Dee
11: Mictecacihuatl
12: Buggre Alle This Bible
13: Egg Nog
14: Western Diamondback
15: Lilith Victoria
16: Eclipse
17: Faith
18: Morocco
19: Cytherea
20: Carnal
21: Love's Philosophy
22: Miskatonic University
23: Crow Moon
24: Boomslang
25: Lilith Victoria (What? I love this one!)
26: Vasakasajja
27: Gladdener of All Hearts (What could be better for Thanksgiving?)
28: Villain
29: The Perilous Parlor
30: Dorian
I feel devoid of self. There is this crushing emptiness that clings to me. I tried tea. I tried cocoa. I pondered mixing the two together but decided against it. I have concluded that it must be "The Nothing," of Neverending Story fame. That's the only thing I can think of that tea AND cocoa cannot combat.
This day sucks. Can I have a new one tomorrow?
As some of you might know, my sister decided to get a divorce this summer, a decision that floored me- but that I do support. She loves her kids and wouldn't do anything without a good reason. I've learned some of those reasons. They met in court yesterday to begin the proceedings- I don't know the precise terms, but they were supposed to present one another with papers or something. I had a therapy appointment yesterday. My husband was in the waiting room and my sister's husband walked into the building. He was carrying various folders and papers and whatnot, and greeted my husband, who probably wouldn't have noticed him otherwise. So therapy is hitting on some rough territory lately and I'm usually quite a wreck after them. We got into the car and my husband explains what he saw, suggesting that my sister's husband might've been meeting with a lawyer. I shook my head. He wasn't meeting with A lawyer. He was meeting with THE lawyer. I don't live in a huge metropolis, but if we had the equivalent of a hotshot media-whore sleazy big city lawyer, he would be it.
Last I heard, my sister was working with legal aid, or whoever does it for cheap, so I tried to get ahold of her all day to see if she knew. Last night, I finally did. She did know. It's ALL like something out of a soap opera. Apparently, she hadn't been aware that he'd had a lawyer until they both swept into court... because the lawyer wasn't even on the dockett. Huh? How does that even work? Is it legal to take a judge by surprise like that?
And I'm worried her lawyer isn't even competent.
As some of you know, my husband's hard drive died. He got a new one as his old one was under warranty... and after about six hours of working just fine (with all the updates and formatting) the computer shut off like it'd been doing before. He thinks this is indicative of an issue with overheating, but WHAT is overheating? Or it could be the power supply. If he tries to turn it back on, it goes into this loop of the boot screen, then loading windows, then a flash of blue and then wash, rinse, repeat. Add that to the fact that we're on an excruciatingly tight budget this month, and he is going to have to slog along with his old one- which is unstable as it is. So, yeah. This has attached to my depression in a big way. Fun stuff.
For the sake of keeping track, I've read Twilight thus far in 2008.
60lbs-4lbs=56lbs to go!
Anyway. I think being sick is good for my diet. I don't know that I've ever been this sick without also being depressed and had utterly no appetite. My husband has resorted to trying to retrieve me all manner of sweet things to try and get me to eat, but nothing tastes good, and I have no inclination toward any of it. I've lost 4 lbs since my last weigh in, which I've noted above. I think I may have lost most of it in the last four or five days. But the not eating thing probably explains the no energy thing.
Hopefully tomorrow will arrive and I'll be doing much better. If nothing else, I'll be able to go to school. (I've missed this entire week!)
So my mom and I are a member of the organization TOPS, which is for weight loss. Since she joined in March of last year, she has lost approximately 130 lbs. There was a regional meet up in October, which my mom attended, because our chapter's leader said she'd entered all our numbers into the contest, and it was likely my mom would gain some recognition. The leader had lied, however, and had not submitted the paperwork. She'd filled it out and brought it with her. Dumbass. But every year, the organization recognizes someone on a national level. Each state crowns a king and/or queen, and then several of them are published in the monthly magazine. Now, the new year is pretty hard to miss. I would think that the paperwork would be well and truly filled out and ready to go by then. No. The woman calls ME to find out if I have my mother's membership information, and crap that she should have already, and I swear that if this woman fucks this up for my mom, I will tell her exactly how I feel about the situation (during a meeting), and then see if anyone else is okay with this turn of events, and then walk out. I'll find another damn chapter to attend. Screw them. And then I'll write a detailed letter to the national organization and hope for the best.
Also, this seemed too petty to start a new topic over, and I'm no longer reading the confessional or the how are you feeling threads. I'm really bummed out about my local used bookstore that I've been going to since they piled everything into one small room. They've expanded, and have recently gotten a lot of new staff members. So I was in there the other day, and I asked one of them about Richelle Mead. I suppose I've been spoiled by the owner, who can cite titles based off a description of a cover, and list authors like woah... and even if she doesn't know, she'll go look herself, and check the computer. Nice things, right? But this woman asked me what genre she was, and I explained that it was paranormal, but it might be paranormal romance and she was like, "Ohhh. Well, I don't really know a lot about that genre, but the name doesn't ring a bell." Chompchompchompthegum. Uh, okay. Thanks for the help. I couldn't find her book anywhere, but that doesn't mean they didn't have it.
That's kinda okay- she might've been really busy with other things or something, but here's what really makes me mad. While I'm looking for Succubus Blues, I overhear her talking to another customer, and she's saying, " ... I don't really read paranormal stuff, but she's really good- I read a little bit of that book and really liked it." That's compelling. So the customer asks if they have it in used, and the woman immediately says, "Oh, no. We NEVER get anything back by her. Everybody loves her." And I'm like, "Bullshit." Seriously. Not aloud, of course. So I walk past the customer and glance over and see that she's looking at a Patricia Briggs book, and I roll my eyes, because my mom is a huuuge fan of that woman and buys the used books all the time. So I take the time to walk the ten feet to the shelf, and sure enough, the book is there, in used. So I go up and ask the customer if she had been looking at Moon Called, and she said she had. So I raise my voice ever so slightly and say, "Well, they've got it in used." So she asks if I'm going to buy it and I'm like, "Nope, please have at it." I get that you might want to be selling new over used, but that shit is only going to piss people off. People like me. The owner, however, will go out of her way to see if they have a used copy of something- I've been at the register, and she's asked me if I want it used and then pulled a used copy for me, because I'll always take used books.
That makes me sad.
Do you ever really get over that person who evokes the first exhilirating burst of love? Not your first crush, nor the first person you went out with whenever that began, but the first person you could actually feel in your soul; the one you could see yourself with, growing old together, the very first person to take your breath away and make you rethink everything you've ever heard about the concept of love? Does that one ever really heal?
I love my husband with all my heart, truly I do. I don't want anyone else. So why do I find myself still looking for this other person? Actively looking. It doesn't make sense.
I'm doing a weekly weigh in, and I'm going to record stuff about it in here.
Loss Today: 4.0lbs
Loss in August: 7.8
Cumulative Loss: 11.8lbs
Long term overall goal: 99.6lbs
Short term overall goal: 35lbs
Updated Long and Short Term goals to address weight lost: 87.8/23.2
Me= -6lbs
Birthday= ipod knockoff, WoW boardgame (...I don't know), book store gift certificate, a bptp scent locket (!), Singing Moon tee and possibly an Arkham tee... and a membership to a local gym. Henceforth it'll be about $75 a month for both of us, but it's an important investment. (I'm way more excited than I sound, seriously. This is a really spectacular birthday for me.) This year's scent: Morocco, completely by chance. It was just on my desk, and a lovely surprise- the notes shouldn't be pretty on me.
Switch Witchery= The universe hated me (or my switchee) this round. My witch is wonderful, as per usual. Really delightful tea and I ADORE the loose tea filter. It's awesomeness.
Life= Joined a weight loss support type group; TOPS. Personal weigh-ins weekly sans humiliation. You say if you've gained or lost and how much and people applaud or encourage as necessary. Then there's other stuff. It's a bunch of little old ladies with silver hair and good stories. Baby shower for a friend in about an hour.
Out.
Obsessing over trying: TKO, Leo '07, Victoria, Lysander, Schlafende Baigneuse and Crowley.
Bottles I particularly yearn for: 51, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale, Queen of Sheba, TKO, Bengal, Snowflakes
Imps I particularly yearn for: Croquet, TKO, Crowley, Tristran, Hermia.
LE's I'd almost rent out my soul for: Storyville, SN Lime, SN Pomegranate, Fee, Tears, Circe, Noir
LE's I'd almost always accept another bottle of: Et Lux Fuit, Snowflakes, Boomslang, Punkie Night
LE's I'd always accept another imp of: Storyville, Beaver Moon, Pink Moon '05, Chaste Moon and the bottle bunch, of course!
Catalog bottles I absolutely can't be without: Katharina, Whitechapel and Alice.
BPTP stuff I would sell my soul for: (other than a scent locket, obviously) Bitter Moon tee. Mum Moon tee, too.
Previously in my wishlist, I decided to take it out but to leave it available here. It'll be updated with some frequency as my mood dictates.
I'm also putting some of my wishlist on here that doesn't need to be up there anymore; namely Tarot and such.
Tarot
The World
Temperance
*The Hanged Man
Justice
Strength
*The Hierophant
*The Sun
The High Priestess
The Chariot
The Chakras
Vishuddha
Manipura
Sahasrara
TAL
Charisma
Glamour
*Anthelion
*Bastet's Laughter
*Block Buster
*Euphony
*Hand of Hermes
*Hymn to Pan
*Radiance of Ra
**Road Opener
Brass Balls
Foundation of Fortune
King Solomon's
Millk and Honey
*Perpetuum Bonum
White Light
Catalyst
Clarity
**Concentration
**Crucible of Courage
*Determination
**Healing
*Mnemosyne
Ouroboros
Wolf's Heart
I don't want any TAL that I could mistakenly cause negative effects. I'm not a magical practitioner, but I do have faith that focusing energy really does make a difference. (That's just my little disclaimer about TAL oils.)
So here are things I've recently figured out about myself:
I don't trust people. Moreso than I originally believed.
I have issues with my father, but I think those issues are easier for me to resolve, because I've written him off. What's going to be hardest for me is that most of my issues stem from my mother, and I can't bear to think about that. I love my mother, and I know she loves me and did the best she could, but... there's a lot of anger and I don't know how to deal with that.
I am a freak who cannot find closure in any way over some STUPID boy I met online AGES ago. This is disturbing. I just want to heal, but he hurt me on such a base level that I sort of sealed it off and now I can't get to it. I don't want him; I don't want to be with him, and if he ever showed back up in my life, I'd probably tell him to trust his instincts and get the hell away from me. But first I would tell him all the things that hurt me. Maybe I just want some acknowledgement of what he did. And there's a part of me that hopes he never realized how much it hurt me, because I don't want him to be capable of doing that to anyone.
I need to take care of myself.
Why is this called unsent? Because I'm going to start writing physical letters to people I can't let go of, and pretend that they've been read and heard, and hopefully that will help.
I can't believe I am so close to Convergence right now and I can't get there. That seems immeasurably unfair, and I just want to lay in bed and weep. It's within DRIVING distance, and we have $2 to our names.
There's never going to be a way to replicate this, either. Convergence will happen again, but the people attending this year are not all going to be at the next one, and I love Portland, and I just don't know how to handle this.
I think chocolate is in order.
Quick post- more to come
51
Alice
Arkham
Bengal
Black Opal
Dorian
Jailbait
Katharina
The Lion
Mouse's Long and Sad Tale
Persephone
Queen of Sheba
Whitechapel
LE:
Asp Viper
Beaver Moon
Boomslang
Et Lux Fuit
Green Tree Viper
Hungry Ghost Moon
Lotus Moon
Pink Moon '05
Punkie Night
Snow-Flakes
I had a good day today. It pisses me off how quickly I can lose that feeling. And my poor husband. He was like, "You can't... but... I miss you being happy." It doesn't make any sense when I write it out like this, but there it is.
I have homework for the lab that I haven't done. Gah. And!!!!! The stupid bookstore was STILL out of the lab manual when I went in today!!!!! S'okay, I bought myself some goggles. The ones for general use just squick me out. They don't clean them or anything. Ewwww.
When I am feeling better, I will tell you about the cell diagram project for my bio class and the interpretive dance.
I have a linguistics exam on tuesday, and I am excited about it. My instructor had never heard the word lagniappe. Did you know that even though the spelling is french, the origin is much more interesting? Originally it was yapa, coined by the Aztec tribe, the Quetchua. Then the people living there when it was still part of mexico adopted it, assigning it an article: la napa (only the n has a tilde on top, sorry for the lack of proper lettering), so it was pronounced lanyapa. The French people who settled that area then latched onto it and gave it a french spelling.
And don't get me started about the Basque.
I'm going to follow through with the radiology technician program, but when I have the money, I'm going to go back to school and get a degree in linguistics.
This is to get a better feel for what I wear on a regular basis. So, beginning with yesterday:
4/16: Snow-Flakes
4/17: Pink Moon 2007
4/18: Boomslang, but it smells terrible. I'm going to wash it off and wear something lighter.
4/19: Whitechapel
So, I'm about 5 pages in to Kushiel's Chosen, but I am tempted to re-read Kushiel's Dart, just because there was SO MUCH to follow that, even with the chart at the beginning, it was difficult to keep track of everyone. I'm going to spoiler tag the rest of this entry, because I hate having plots ruined, and I plan on divulging some plot points. Pretty major ones, in fact. However, before I do that, I want to say that I was enchanted by this world and it should not be categorized with romance novels. It is so much more!
On the subject of Kushiel's Chosen,
Ugh. It's been a long day, and I don't really know what else to say about this... I had a ton of stuff in my head about it after I finished, but I don't have the energy now.
After much angst and self-doubt, I dropped precalculus... and I know I could've done it. Maybe that's all I needed, though.
I still feel disappointed in myself.
The former housemate who owes us massive amounts of money just told us that he bought himself a nintendo DS. The hell? That's not the only thing he's bought himself, either. And I know he has a right to do nice things for himself, but it pisses me off that he's letting repaying us slide. Or maybe he's not. Maybe it just seems like it's been a while since he sent anything. He was also a dumbass in a self-destructive mode and went to see this crazy bitch that he swears he's over, but then he's still in love with her, and whatever whatever whatever. Boo-frickin-hoo. I sound insensitive, but it's just ridiculous. He knows better. He needs to focus on himself if he's going to get well anytime soon, and doing shit like that -really- doesn't help. I just keep HOPING that he will get it together, and when he gets self destructive, I get pissed.
Anyway. School. I needed one of my books to arrive in the mail today, and it didn't, and I'm sort of freaked out now. I am in love with linguistics and have found myself fully engrossed in the textbook at times. BUT. It doesn't count as a humanities credit?? Uh, the hell? It's just an elective credit, which I certainly don't need. It is listed as a humanities credit in the catalog, and if I'm not mistaken, they're sort of required to honor that, so I'm going to have a visit with an advisor and mention that. Why would linguistics not count for humanities? That's just insane. Then again, my college also wouldn't count Lord of the Rings as a lit credit. But, whatever. Because I'm so not getting rid of this course. They'd have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. Or something like that. We've spent the first week of Biology covering the chemistry used in biology. I like her well enough. She's married to my favourite instructor, and it's interesting to see her style as well. My lab instructor, though... heh. Is he even old enough to cross the street by himself? Somebody in the class was like, "Should we call you Mr. So-and-so?" I about choked. There's no way I could address that kid that way- to my great relief, he begged us not to. He's nice, but he seriously doesn't look old enough to be out of high school. (I may be exaggerating. I told my husband he was 12, so I am getting a little better.) Anyway, so I think I'll like finally having a lab, but it is on friday, which means I'm driving out there 5 days a week... much, much more gasoline.
Huh. This is a pretty long entry. I'm just really restless. And... I am a bit forlorn with a turn in Kushiel's Dart about 250 pages from the end. For some reason, I just didn't see that coming. I know at some point I said that her writing was a bit pretentious, but I think it's because I had been reading things like Dresden Files and Women of the Otherworld and Weather Wardens. It's just a different genre and a different style of writing. I'm actually quite enthralled by her, and I had to get the second book, as well as the first book of her new series. (I finally nabbed a bunch of used books and made a run to the bookstore. I love that- we came out with 10 books and it worked out to less than one dollar each.)
Okay. I'm going to end this now. I'm so freaking thirsty. Merfolk should not be thirsty.
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that there was no drama today, save me losing my schedule and finding it shortly thereafter. I'm kind of afraid. I sort of like all of my classes and feel comfortable- they're not necessarily going to be particularly "fun", but that's okay.
I tentatively like my instructors. I think I may keep this schedule. Yeah, that's all.
Tiiiiired. Some of you may know why. I'll explain more later.
Anyway. So, I stumbled to my computer this am, and was like, "OMG, somebody hacked my account and added this garish skin and how do I get my f@#%$ing Alice back and I will DIE IF I DO NOT REMEMBER HOW TO CHANGE THE BLOODY SKIN!!" Uh. Right. So, happy April Fool's Day- I've definitely been fooled.
School starts tomorrow, and as of today, I'm keeping precalculus. You all know how that can change in an instant, though! I've got linguistics, then a break for an hour, then cell biology and then precalc. I'm actually quite looking forward to it, to be honest. (Too tired to panic. Y'all know I must be all kinds of tired. Hee.)
I am still undecided. I want this quarter to be a really good one! I don't want to regret not taking precalc. Um. That's about it. Hope you're all doing well!
Grades will be posted on tuesday, so I'll know for sure that I passed. My husband is being ever supportive, but I'm freaking out. Dude. I am almost positive that I only did 5 of 6 essay questions on my LotR final. (We get to choose 6 of 8 topics, and I'm thinking I split early without realizing it.) So if I did that, who's to say I didn't choke on my math final? Blarg.
Hope you're all doing well, lovelies.
Eee, school starts a week from tomorrow. AND THE SCHOOL STILL HASN'T POSTED THE BOOK LIST!!! What the hell is up with that?? Okay, off to snuggle with the boy.
I got an awesome haircut from my sister. It's the shortest it's ever been in my entire life, and I really love it.
Math final tomorrow. SO. STRESSED.
Among other, more fun, less stressful things.
I'm going to do the precalc sequence and then statistics. I hate not having calculus done, but I don't see the point in only partially doing it. Plus, it'll allow me to take other classes I want next winter and spring.
