As some of you might know, my sister decided to get a divorce this summer, a decision that floored me- but that I do support. She loves her kids and wouldn't do anything without a good reason. I've learned some of those reasons. They met in court yesterday to begin the proceedings- I don't know the precise terms, but they were supposed to present one another with papers or something. I had a therapy appointment yesterday. My husband was in the waiting room and my sister's husband walked into the building. He was carrying various folders and papers and whatnot, and greeted my husband, who probably wouldn't have noticed him otherwise. So therapy is hitting on some rough territory lately and I'm usually quite a wreck after them. We got into the car and my husband explains what he saw, suggesting that my sister's husband might've been meeting with a lawyer. I shook my head. He wasn't meeting with A lawyer. He was meeting with THE lawyer. I don't live in a huge metropolis, but if we had the equivalent of a hotshot media-whore sleazy big city lawyer, he would be it.
Last I heard, my sister was working with legal aid, or whoever does it for cheap, so I tried to get ahold of her all day to see if she knew. Last night, I finally did. She did know. It's ALL like something out of a soap opera. Apparently, she hadn't been aware that he'd had a lawyer until they both swept into court... because the lawyer wasn't even on the dockett. Huh? How does that even work? Is it legal to take a judge by surprise like that?
And I'm worried her lawyer isn't even competent.
Do you ever really get over that person who evokes the first exhilirating burst of love? Not your first crush, nor the first person you went out with whenever that began, but the first person you could actually feel in your soul; the one you could see yourself with, growing old together, the very first person to take your breath away and make you rethink everything you've ever heard about the concept of love? Does that one ever really heal?
I love my husband with all my heart, truly I do. I don't want anyone else. So why do I find myself still looking for this other person? Actively looking. It doesn't make sense.
I can't believe I am so close to Convergence right now and I can't get there. That seems immeasurably unfair, and I just want to lay in bed and weep. It's within DRIVING distance, and we have $2 to our names.
There's never going to be a way to replicate this, either. Convergence will happen again, but the people attending this year are not all going to be at the next one, and I love Portland, and I just don't know how to handle this.
I think chocolate is in order.
I got an awesome haircut from my sister. It's the shortest it's ever been in my entire life, and I really love it.
Math final tomorrow. SO. STRESSED.
Among other, more fun, less stressful things.
My presentation went well! And I missed one problem on my math exam, because I made a stupid mistake. -1 squared is not -1. So obviously I'm not going to come out with -6 in the end! Bleh. But it's a really good score and I'm happy with it. Happy enough that I'm considering pre-calculus instead of history. (I think precalc is all full now, though.)
Let's see. So, yeah. I had a good presentation. Oh! But the reason I came here to write an update? I found my pilates dvd that I stuck with!! And my husband ordered it for me! Hooray! It's called The Method Pilates: Target Specifics. That one for the arms is really, really good. I'm going to do a segment hopefully every day. My first goal is twice a week, though. I just can't wait to get it! Eventually I'll cycle it with the other pilates dvd I have, and maybe get some more.
In other news: I've discovered FlyLady, and she is helping me gradually establish a routine to eventually declutter. Her tone is annoying sometimes, but I generally like her, and her ideas really work for me. I'm totally that person she's talking about. I'm currently doing the 31 days of baby steps and I'm on day 5. (My husband is using Convergence spending money to bribe me to stick to it, and considering how gradual it is, it's a nice motivation.)
Now somebody needs to talk me into cutting down to skim milk. This is a huge deal. I drink loads of milk, and grew up drinking whole milk. Sooo, I don't know.
I also need to start making quick and easy snacks, before a craving hits. Hard boiled eggs are so easy to make and stick in the fridge, and I love them. What are some other snacks that are healthy and good to eat? I have SUCH an addiction to sugar that not a lot will get rid of those cravings, but I'm trying. Any help would be much appreciated!
Why is it that there are no adult faerie tales? I don't mean "adult" like erotica or even erotica-lite, because there's plenty of that. Don't get me wrong- young adult fiction can be very well written, but sometimes I want the tone of an adult book. I want the perspective of an old book.
I grew up on Robin McKinley. When I was 11 years old (or thereabout), I thought The Outlaws of Sherwood was the best book ever.
But I want intricate plots, the kind that don't often come up in 200-300 page books. Even in 300-400, to be honest.
WHERE ARE ALL THE FAERIE TALES??
Stupid Lord of the Rings. Arrgh. I seriously want to email my 101 instructor and be like, "Do you believe this freak??? OMGSRSLY!" I don't really want to, but I wish I knew if he would be surprised that my papers are rating so poorly.
I was so tired today that for a brief moment, everything I looked at was this odd shade of orange.
I have a presentation to give in my speech class on thursday. How stressed about that am I? Very little. Less than I probably should be.
Guh.
I didn't even get to nap today. And I haven't been to the mailbox, and I have swaps that need to go out. Speaking of swaps, I haven't heard anything further from Duck Mountain, though I imagine she's got a few things to get in order. I guess I was expecting that to be sort of straightened out when she sent the message.
I have never wanted a BPAL tee shirt as much as Pink Moon... and my mom snagged it for me! That sucker is going to be so very worn out it's not even funny.
Is it summer yet? Why is there another quarter of classes before the break? I want summer break noooooow. I'm hoping next quarter changes that mindset for me, though.
What'm I going to take in the fall? That's a good question. It's something fun to obsess over! A&P 1 for sure. Other possibilities: English 201, Statistics, Pre-calc, Speech, some sort of literature class, physical anthropology... Dunno! Probably statistics and literature.
I'm going to start therapy as of March 12.
....
This is a good thing, but I am rather scared. I need it to get me to an even keel, seriously. I can't afford to be a wreck next quarter, though. The classes are getting more difficult and more important.
And I'm still upset that I can't take archaeology. Heh. I still tear up thinking about when I dropped it- LAST SPRING. I love my instructor.
Ah, well. I'm looking forward to all of my upcoming classes, actually, though I may try and get into the bio class that my archaology instructor's wife teaches instead of this one. I don't actually know anything about her, or the guy I have right now, so I guess it only matters if he sends me home in tears or something. Which, I guess, isn't such a difficult task for the first day of classes. They aren't until April 2nd, and winter quarter ends April 21st! This is causing me great joy. Stupid Lord of the Rings.
We are 9 weeks into a 12 week quarter, and last week, my LOTR instructor complained that our second 100 point essays (of which there will be three, out of a total of something like 700 points, I want to say- but each thing is worth essentially 100 points, except for the reading quizzes, and do NOT get me started on those.) anyaway, he complained that our essays were too focused on FORM and not enough on CONTENT. He went on to explain that he isn't looking for your standard 5 paragraph essay that you learn in english 101, which is what the fricking prereq was, but nevermind that- no, he just wants us to write, concisely and impeccably, about the subjects we are given.
You can't really tell from the way I write here, but I am really good at writing papers for school. I learn what my instructor wants, and I do it. I got a 4.0 in english 101 writing political crap that I don't believe, for the most part. There are no words to describe how completely pissed off I was when he explained the format (or lack thereof? I don't really know, still) he was expecting from our essays. We've already written 2. I'm pissed that mine have been no higher than 85.
This is so frustrating, because of the way he has handled class the entire quarter. He keeps contradicting what he wants from us, and I sort of don't even want to do ANYTHING for the class anymore.
He gives a reading quiz every monday over the 100 pages we had to read the previous week. I do just as well when I don't read the pages as when I do. Don't ask for crazy details that I won't notice on my first time reading it through- and nothing in the course description even implied that it would be necessary to have read the trilogy, but that's how he has handled the class. Also, if you don't want english 101 papers, don't put that down as the stupid prereq! ARRRGH. I can't even get across how stupid and frustrating this is for me.
I don't even want to read the books anymore.
Anyway. Wow. That was a sucky and negative post. But... I dunno. I've just been feeling so very lackluster lately.
Duck Mountain contacted me today, with the intention of clearing everything up and resuming activity on the forum. I do believe she intends to complete the swap and I am ecstatic about that. I am also quite impressed, because it takes guts to own up to something like that, and not everyone would do it. So! As soon as I have Beaver Moon in my hands, I will update the swap feedback, notify the mods, and post here to let you all know. Plus, we get a forumite back! Like I told her, it just didn't seem like something she would really do, so it's a relief to know I wasn't wrong.
I just thought I should pass along the information, in case anybody sees her about.
Welcome back, DM!
My bio class was all full, so I had to sign up to take it from someone else, later in the day. Ugh. So here's my schedule, for now:
9-10: Intro to Linguistics
11:30-12:30: Cell Biology
12:40-1:40: History of Modern Middle East
I don't know if that's what I'll keep, though.
Who, or what, were you in a past life?
I'll share mine soon.
One more question that's a bit more... I dunno. Serious, maybe? But I'm not being snide about the first one either, it just seems lighter to think of-
With the assumption that there is, in fact, reincarnation, do you feel like there are certain people you will always meet? Not just a love, but also random people- extra soul-mates, if you will... I've been trying to establish my "circle" recently, of people I feel are always with me.
First, before I forget: You all must sign up for SevenSins' Artist Trading Card swap. If you don't know what they are, check out the first post in that thread (it's in the circular swap area) because she has some great links. They're essentially artistic baseball/magic/trading cards. It seems like a fun way to let off some creative steam and I already have some ideas! Inky, I'm looking at you! Not to single anyone out or anything. Ahem.
Moving on: I'm dieting. With chocolate. (That reminds me of the nutrisystem commercial- "Any diet that allows me to eat chocolate every day is a diet for me!" I watch too much TV, heh.) I'm going to fast a couple of days a month with tea and water on those days. The rest of the days, I'm going to eat stuff that's high in fiber, and my meals are going to be primarily cereal, supplimented by vegetables, fruits, and other snacky things. There is NO reason I can't do this. Plus, that Special K cereal with chocolate in it totally works for me. Does that sound like a good plan?
I'm also going to be looking for this awesome yoga/pilates dvd that I borrowed from netflix and can't remember what it was anymore. It wasn't yoga or pilates, but it drew on both, and dance and martial arts and other movement forms, and it really worked for me. It was something like, "Pilates: Target Specific" because it had workouts that would focus on different areas of the body. And! Wal-mart has one of those sit-up roller things for $15 that I'm going to have to splurge on.
Finally, I'm going to start writing affirmations (as per the "creating your own reality" thread) on index cards and keeping them in a box. I don't know if it works, but it can't hurt to try.
Sign-ups are tentatively set for the 17th of this month, so if you want to play, be sure and start getting your questionaire ready! Just thought I'd give a head's up for those of you who don't stalk the swap forum like I do. I'll update with a reminder when the sign-ups are officially set.
I will be generous with the spoiler tags, for those who plan on seeing it. First, I'll do generalizations:
It is visually stunning. There's no denying that.
The cast is amazing. I need to watch more foreign films, because it cemented my belief that I just don't have an understanding of interpersonal relationships anywhere but where I've lived. In other words, not all the interactions translate into my sphere of understanding, if that makes any sense. It's like anger in anime always seems way, way overdramatic and over-done to me. . . which is a bit of a simplistic way of putting it, but that's all I can really say about it right now.
It isn't what I was expecting from the trailer I saw- but I read enough reviews to know it wasn't exactly what I was expecting anyway, but it still wasn't what I was expecting.
It seemed a little... scattered? Thematically, I mean. That could be my lack of understanding (as mentioned above) in part, but not wholly. And here is where I get into spoiler tags. Note: A lot of this is critical because I think a lot of the good has been advocated already, but I did really enjoy the experience.
Spoiler
I am probably in the minority here, and I realize that.
I was originally under the impression that it was a fantasy movie, sort of in the vein of Labyrinth, Willow or Legend. Then I was under the impression that it was a movie about blurring those lines between fantasy and reality. I'm left feeling like it wasn't a faerie tale, and it wasn't religious and it wasn't historical, and it sort of needed to define itself.
If it was a fable, it wasn't a good one, because the "moral of the story" kept changing- it could've been about faith, but the last test was to not have faith, so that's not it.
There were too many stories crammed into the movie, and they didn't feel cohesive to me. It sort of felt like they were all neglected; like they didn't have enough time to get to any of them completely.
I would've preferred more focus on the fantasy aspect, obviously. I would have been happy, though, if any one aspect had been central, rather than all of them seeming peripheral.
Also, looking at it from a historical standpoint- from what I understand, there were no good guys in that war, so I felt a little uncomfortable with how sympathetic the "outlaws" were made to be. (Isn't that essentially Stalin's camp?) I appreciate how unflinching and stark the film was about it, but it seemed like it was mis-represented a little bit, perhaps.
Finally, since I'm not in a place where I can coherently express myself, I have a teensy bone to pick.
That awesome, awesome scene for her second task? The guy with his eyes in his hands? That pissed me off. This chick crawls into the belly of a tree, with bugs crawling all over her, to look for some toad and feed some rocks to, just because the faun told her to. But when he makes it really clear that the one thing she can't do while she's in the second task is eat, she falters? It's not like she's starving. Her family is well taken care of on that front. And it's not like she's never read a faerie tale! She's obsessed with them! So she should freaking know better! But she still eats! That was so infuriating to me. At least there could have been some clever trap for her to walk into, but it was just straightforward. "Ho-hum. I think I'll pluck some dinner off this table where this freaky guy is sitting with his eyeballs on the plate... mmm." No. Not believable. That girl knows better. Anyway, I'm going to end this here. Heh.
I hope my review of Pan's Labyrinth wasn't offensive to anybody! I still had a fantastic time, and I'm incredibly glad to have seen it on the big screen. I was just pointing out things I didn't enjoy about it, s'all.
I'm kind of pissed right now. I got my LotR essay back today, and the grade was considerably lower than I was expecting. I didn't fail, but I got a 4.0 out of english 101, and this is a LIT class (sort of), so I have a certain amount of expectations for my grades when it comes to writing, and I was pretty confident with what I had written.
Also, I love you guys. That's all for now! Must do homework, so I can then play Baldur's Gate 2! And then.... American Idol!
If not, your eyes cannot perceive my true words from here on out. They're written so only mermaids can read them, and the rest of the world will see mere drivel. Of course, the mermaids might only see drivel, but it will be true drivel and not the false stuff the rest of you are seeing. I'm evil that way.
Which one is sugared roses again? That's the twin I want. But now violet is sounding so lovely too!
After my insane couple of weeks, I finally got my switchee package out, and there's not even a nice note inside. It's hurried and short. I'm such a spaz.
But I have something cool coming and I'm really excited about that.
Tonight, my husband and I are going on a date. We're going to see Pan's Labyrinth, because my theatre decided to be awesome and show it here! (Instead of in Walla Walla, as I originally thought.) I shall bring tissues and report back about my experience. (I have been warned that I will be needing tissues.)
I love the latest Girls With Slingshots. (I think that's the one.) "I wish you'd just tell me to go bang some guy." "That's something you'll never hear a psychiatrist say. Also included are: 'I think the heroin is actually doing you some good!' and 'No wonder your mother never loved you.'"
I think I got a school loan. This means that we will possibly be able to fly out to visit my in laws over spring break, and see our new nephew. I am SO looking forward to that.
See how crazy I am? What the hell happened to the dark pit of despair? It's still there. It's just on the other end of the swing. Heh.
I don't know how else to describe these things. I've begun collecting these moments in time where I felt an otherworldly calm, or where I felt something fundamental inside me change.
During a period of exceptionally dark depression, sobbing on the phone with my friend Shari (who lives across the country from me) as she frantically looks for a Star of David her grandfather gave her, and then listening to her recite, in Hebrew, the prayer for that day of Hannukah.
In the same mindset and a similar timeframe, being curled up in bed on a trip out of town to visit some friends, unable to go out and socialize, and my friend Stacy coming in and playing her guitar and singing to me. She has a beautiful voice, and I wish I had a recording of something her band has done.
Flying into Knoxville after an all night flight across the states and seeing my husband for the first time. Realizing that we were not just going to patch each other up and then move on, and trusting that he felt the same way also happened in that general period of time.
Staying up and talking with my brother in law about how much he loves my sister. (He is generally not overly expressive in that area.)
There are more, but those first two really have a special place in my heart.
We got some sleet tonight- I'm praying for a thaw by monday.
Trinsic sent us another bill. How messed up is that? It's in the pile to be faxed to the utilities commission, assuming we have the right number for him. I can't find where I wrote it down.
My husband says that swaps are stressing me out too much and he'd really prefer it if I stopped. So, I've stopped. But. I'm unhappy about it.
Not so much the regular swapping, but I really wanted to get into starting decant circles. We have the money right now for the supplies, but he says we should save it, which means he doesn't want me spending the money on perfume, and I wish he would just say that, because it's not like anything EVER gets saved. We blow it on stupid things, and I would just as soon have the decanting stuff. I get where he's coming from, but I am so frustrated because I'm fixated on the vials right now, and I desperately want to try Hope and Faith. I'll test them at Convergence, though. (Assuming they're going to be among the throng.)
I should just sell all my perfume before Convergence.
I'm in a mood.
Oh! I should be setting up an appointment with a real, live therapist next week sometime. (Not going to the appointment next week, but setting one up for hopefully sometime soon.) That's quite a relief... I will sing the praises of medication for depression and anxiety until I'm blue in the face, because they've helped me so very much... but I think I've reached the limit of where they can take me. It's pretty impressive. I wouldn't have believed it a few years ago, but I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just don't want to slide back into depression, and I feel like I could do that.
So, yeah. Instead of buying decanting supplies, I went switch witch shopping. Okay. I have GOT to stop obsessing over this.
My college has classes that begin as early as 6:50 am. The highway to get there is the main highway between the nearby cities. Wouldn't you think that it would be top priority to get cleared off? That and, you know, the streets that run by the college?
Excuse my mouth, but holy fuck.
Three lanes, and I'm in the middle one. There's a semi and an SUV up ahead and to my right, a car a ways ahead of me, and a truck to my left- and a car behind me. All the sudden, the SUV hits an icy patch and starts veering for the side of the road... but she doesn't. She panicks and starts trying to straighten out the car- in the process, crossing all three lanes and circling more than 350 degrees... and lands smack in the middle of my lane, so that I'm heading for the side of her car, and I'm slowing down and praying that she will figure something out and get moved, and it hits me that she's so freaked out that she's not going to be able to do anything, so I have to do something or hit her car, so at about 30 mph (which I've managed to slow down to, on our 70mph highway), I slip into the right lane at literally the last second, and was shaking and trying not to sob the rest of the way to school... but I didn't wreck my car, and I didn't kill her, or anyone else, but it was SO scary. I don't want to go in tomorrow unless it's all melted away. ALL of it. Dude, that is so scary. I almost threw up. I was so freaked out the entire time I was driving home, too.
It's late, and I'm tired, so I know that's mostly why my emotions are all over the place.
I suck at this dieting thing, even though I love salad and fresh fruit and wheat bread... I'm just not doing well with it. I need to add exercise, but I'd have to clear out the front room to really do that, plus I don't have the energy to divert in that direction at this point.
I found some old floppy disks that had files and photographs on it from years ago, and there were several of the man I don't think I've ever fully recovered from. I love my husband, and I am completely his, but because there was something so raw about the relationship I had with this other guy, my heart still aches a little at the thought of everything that happened.
I wouldn't be with my husband if it hadn't happened like that, though.
Anyway, I've been feeling nostalgic for all these old things/experiences lately, and I realized that nothing ever stays the same. The saying "You can never go home again"? Really applies to me right now. Not physical homes, but online communities.
I miss Charlie.
Anyway. I'm going to go play mind-numbing games until I can sleep.
Stupid Verizon. I'll update about them later.
I mortified myself this morning.
I rushed to get to school and was about ten minutes early, and the math classroom was empty except for the instructor, who looked like he was grading papers. So I came in and looked over my math, and I thought about running over to the admin building to get the add sheet I'd forgotten to pick up yesterday (and again today!) but decided against it. People slowly filter in, and this girl sits next to the instructor and starts asking him questions, so I don't want to interrupt that, but I do want to catch him before class starts, so I go over there, pull up a chair, and listen to what they're discussing while I wait my turn. Finally, I'm like, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I forgot to grab an add sheet." He stares at me blankly and is all, "Add sheet?" So I say, "Yeah... to add me to the class... I spoke with you yesterday about it?" And he laughs, and loudly says, "Oh, I'm not the instructor." He glances back and then points to the guy walking in the door. "He's the instructor." Mortified. So I slunk back to my seat in shame. How awful. And everyone heard the exchange, but seriously, I'd only met the guy yesterday and I didn't really remember what he looked like, and... yeah. So freaking embarrassing.
The rest of the day was fine, though, surprisingly.
I don't even have an episode of Heroes recorded to soothe my wounded soul from today.
My math teacher? Is insane. No calculators on exams or the final. This is an algebra class. He also does pop quizzes and collects homework randomly, and doesn't make use of the online math center that helped me so very much last quarter. This blows.
Math was the class I was least worried about.
Now I have to upset my whole schedule, and it's just aggravating, and I just don't like the guy, right off the bat.
Although I hated my english teacher early on and we're on good terms now.
I think I'm going to drop math this quarter and take it next. Now to figure out a good class to pick up in its stead...
My eyes ache from my earlier hysterics.
This has to do with teh sex. There's your warning.
First of all, I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack so bad that I'm about to cry. This doesn't have to do with sex, but it does sort of explain my mindset. I've even tried applying Whitechapel, and I'm still this bad.
Okay, so, intimate time with the husband was minimal while we had the roommate to look after, and I've kind of gotten used to it being that way. I love sex, and I love him, but I have so much trouble getting my head into the right frame of mind. It almost makes me panic, and I dread even cuddling with him because I'm always tense, because I know he's going to ask for it, and you guys don't know how much I wish I could make this entry friends only. I've got more to say, but when it feels like 6000 eyes are prying, I just freeze up. How fitting.
Now I'm pissed, for no reason at all. Gah. PMS already? I need to get it together, because I'll be in school on tuesday. I'm really glad we're only having a 3 day week.
I'm so nervous about having to read LoTR. And I'm nervous about math. I really want to do very well in it.
I wish I could find a scent my husband really loves. He used to love Jailbait, but I wore it the other day and he didn't even recognize it. He told me it smelled nothing like Jailbait used to, to him.
There are very few that he absolutely dislikes, but I wish I had a scent in my arsenal that he would request and sniff my neck when I wear it. I feel like he tolerates my obsession, but it'd be nice if he could somehow benefit from it, too. Y'know?
I'm wearing Glitter right now, and I am SO not in the mood to be smelling like it. I thought it might cheer me up somehow, but it's not. I can't find MLST; it must be buried with Christmas stuff. Same with Alice and a few others. Nuts.
I wish I had something somber and still light. I don't need to find anymore scents to love, though.
I was talking to him yesterday about limited editions, and remarked that I don't think there's a single LE I love as much as my catalog favourites. Beaver Moon comes the closest. I REALLY like Cerberus, Lotus Moon, Et Lux Fuit, Storyville, Hungry Ghost Moon, and Halôa to name a few, but I think I would cry if Katharina, Whitechapel, Alice or Jailbait were ever discontinued and I really had to hunt for bottles of those. They are just breathtaking. They're perfect for me.
If I could make a huge order right now of GC bottles, I'd order Persephone (because I'm obsessed, even though I've yet to try it), Alice, Dorian, Euphrosyne, Regan, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale x2, Bewitched, The Lion, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Arkham, Shub, Misk U, Black Opal, Port-au-Prince, Lyonesse, and La Petit Mort.
Heh. If only. But it's more fun to dream about it here than to put it all in my shopping cart and then close it off.
It was a great day! I am so, so, SO tired. Hee, my fetching gloves garnered lots of compliments, including one from my sister-in-law with whom I was mightily pissed recently.
We got a gift card to Pier 1, which is odd. I like the store, but we don't do a lot of shopping there. Ah, well. I guess we'll have to browse.
Highlights include:
My watch, of course! It is really lovely, and has no clasp- it's kind of like a bracelet style... wow, I don't know jewelry, obviously. I don't know how to describe it, but the band sort of expands and my wrist slips through a gap. Anyway, it's silver and has a large, round face and is gorgeous. So I shall retire my first watch to the watch box, which is really quite exciting.
The project from my husband- A gorgeous, framed note, written around "ENDURE" which was the central focus of the piece... anyway, it was about how that word sums up our relationship, and that while life's uncertainties make it impossible for him to promise a lot, but he does promise that we will endure. So incredibly romantic and sweet and yes, I cried, and we kissed, and it was awwwww. I wish I could describe it better.
Firefly on DVD! Awesome.
It was the best Christmas ever. Until next time.
