I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately.
I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way.
He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time.
I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special.
His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there.
I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that?
I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence.
The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me.
I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.
I did something right with psychology- I got a 3.8!! Math is, of course a 3.4 (curses! I was hoping to make it to a 3.5, but it just didn't happen.) and the fitness center grade was a 4.0. So my quarterly GPA is a 3.83 and my cumulative is 3.42. I'm just sort of thrilled over psych right now. Hopefully my classes for next quarter will have similar results.
In other news, I'm now a super member on the forums!
I think I may draw on my experiences with people here to include in my novel, but there is one name in particular I plan on using in it- Valentina. So, lady, let me know if you want me to keep my grubby hands off your name or if it's okay.
It's going to be an all female cast as far as present action goes, but male figures will play a part in past events and whatnot. I'm excited! Now to get it all outlined. I need to get back to detailing my main character! I just wanted to share- but one of my personal dares to myself is to draw on something from the forums for each chapter, so... anyway. Madness commence! Or commence madness! Or whatever. Evs! Ack.
I'm really somebody else now. Now I sort of feel like I'm not ready to BE Grace. I should be more together. But this is me, and I'm as together as I've ever been, and it's time. Take care, everyone.
-Grace
I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning
Has not been quite extinguished from my soul,
But let it cause you no more fret or mourning -
I do not wish to trouble you at all.
I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly,
At times in fear, at times in jealous hells...
I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly
As God let you be loved by someone else.
- Alexander Pushkin
How... exquisite... is this?
I suck.
Gah. Sorry for the drama queen syndrome. I just got the results of my last math exam and I sucked, and it pulled my GPA down and I'm really really depressed over it. So, yeah. I got a little intense with the poor me and thus we have suckage.
I feel devoid of self. There is this crushing emptiness that clings to me. I tried tea. I tried cocoa. I pondered mixing the two together but decided against it. I have concluded that it must be "The Nothing," of Neverending Story fame. That's the only thing I can think of that tea AND cocoa cannot combat.
This day sucks. Can I have a new one tomorrow?
I don't know how else to describe these things. I've begun collecting these moments in time where I felt an otherworldly calm, or where I felt something fundamental inside me change.
During a period of exceptionally dark depression, sobbing on the phone with my friend Shari (who lives across the country from me) as she frantically looks for a Star of David her grandfather gave her, and then listening to her recite, in Hebrew, the prayer for that day of Hannukah.
In the same mindset and a similar timeframe, being curled up in bed on a trip out of town to visit some friends, unable to go out and socialize, and my friend Stacy coming in and playing her guitar and singing to me. She has a beautiful voice, and I wish I had a recording of something her band has done.
Flying into Knoxville after an all night flight across the states and seeing my husband for the first time. Realizing that we were not just going to patch each other up and then move on, and trusting that he felt the same way also happened in that general period of time.
Staying up and talking with my brother in law about how much he loves my sister. (He is generally not overly expressive in that area.)
There are more, but those first two really have a special place in my heart.
There are worse things to be. But I am. (Think the Cowardly Lion from Oz... only more dignified. Sometimes)
Y'know, for all that I've expressed a desire to pursue my interest in art, I'm really dragging my feet with the follow-through. I realized that I don't want to take Japanese this year, which leaves me another class, which I usually love. This time, not so much. Here's the thing. There's a design class open in my time slot. It's perfect. It's the one to take before you take, like, drawing and painting and whatnot.
I had such a horrible time with art the first time around that I sort of feel defensive about taking a class. That's an understatement. I'm afraid that someone else will tell me I'm no good. I've never been good with art.
I learned a lot from Bloody Mary. She was engaging with the topics, and I adored the people in the class. (I think it reminded me a little of high school, only now I'm not afraid. Well, I'm still afraid, but in comparison... yeah. You don't even know. But anyway, the class was fun.) When it came to her projects, though... She was a right bitch. Her syllabus stated that if we thought a grade was unfair, to go talk to her about it and see what could be done, but that was apparently code for "I don't have time for you, you talentless, tasteless, obnoxious creature."
She'd publically ridicule ideas from people. People like me, obviously. She has no way of knowing that speaking out in class at all; going up to her about things... they're huge deals for me. My social anxiety kept me housebound for months at a time. Starting college was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I don't expect her to be a mind-reader, but to say, "I suppose we can bump it up a little if you're going to slit your wrists over it..." complete with the eye-roll, I found inappropriate. "I can't grade on effort," she told me. "I have to grade based on end product. Do you think yours looks anything like the ones on display?" And, honey, if you don't grade on effort, I'm not going to give you any, because I'm not an artist. No, mine didn't look like the ones the art majors did. This is not a high level art class. It's intro to art. If she'd said flat out at the very start that she was looking for quality art, I would've dropped the class, because I've never had art instruction. But she said the opposite; "You don't need to be an artist to ace this class; we don't judge based on talent..." Royal we. Blech.
She also expected us to complete the projects without guidance regarding technique, might I add- We watched a video on Maria the amazing pot-maker (There is no sarcasm in this- this woman really is amazing, and world famous.), and that was ALL we got about pottery before we had to make our own. That was our last project, and anytime she'd walk by, I'd crumple my attempt up and start over, because she was laughing at people. Not in a kind way, either. She guised her jabs in humor a lot of the time, but we were all bloody by the end of that class. Hence "Bloody Mary."
So what did I learn from Bloody Mary? I learned to get angry. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to hold my own and not back down. These may seem like silly little things, but they're important.
I wish she hadn't been so mean. I learned a lot about artists from her. If it hadn't been for the projects, I think I really would've liked her class a lot more. How's that for irony? Decent teacher (assuming she's not making fun of students), rotten art teacher. I'm still glad I took the class, despite how much I complain about it to this day.
But this makes me afraid to take more. I'm not good. Sometimes I see things and I copy them. But I don't know the first thing about actual technique.
I should take the design class. I probably won't. I'm a scaredy cat.
So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.
I wish I were better at picking out notes. I got my Chaos Theory in the mail on the first, and I'm not sure what I think of it. It feels almost perfect for me in some ways- like Beth was actually checking out my preferences or something- It is similar to Cerberus, but lighter. There's a slight sweetness and what might be blackberry wine. Wine often turns to kitty litter on my skin. I'm pretty sure the blackberries are what did me in with MB: Closet.
Manhattan isn't me. It's rather aloof and polished and a little bit masculine. It's a pretty scent, but it doesn't work for me. That's sad, but it means I get to make a trade for something I really want- Alice, Les Bijoux, Arkham, Misk U, and Baghdad all spring right to mind. I'm tempted to update my swap post right now, but I'm not sure I'm ready to part with it.
I'm undecided on Xanthe. I must test it out, but I'm sort of nervous, because I want to keep the bottle pristine, for some reason. Hah. I LOVE the trading card, and I must find all of them. I can't afford to have all the bottles, but surely people will be willing to part with the cards, right?
Finally, Katharina. So much love. So much goodness. White, musky goodness, and apricot with orange blossom goodness. Mmm.
Of the 8 frimps, I've only tried 2 previously, so that's cool. I'm going to need some imps to toss along with my school things so I can have them handy.
I must learn to knit socks. I love these things. Snarky, I love them! My feet rebel against my other socks, since having the royal treatment. It's my new obsession. Maybe I'll swap BPAL for socks! But I want to make my own. What's a garter stitch? I hear it mentioned in patterns a bit, but I don't think I've seen an example anywhere.
Also, my backwards knitting site doesn't have a section on how to do anything but cast on, knit and purl. That makes me nervous about trying other things. Dude! I can't believe I'll be back in school in less than two weeks! Annnnd enough about that. I'm all done for the night; gotta go snuggle with the boy.
I ADORE him. Have I mentioned that lately?
I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number.
I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?
I mortified myself this morning.
I rushed to get to school and was about ten minutes early, and the math classroom was empty except for the instructor, who looked like he was grading papers. So I came in and looked over my math, and I thought about running over to the admin building to get the add sheet I'd forgotten to pick up yesterday (and again today!) but decided against it. People slowly filter in, and this girl sits next to the instructor and starts asking him questions, so I don't want to interrupt that, but I do want to catch him before class starts, so I go over there, pull up a chair, and listen to what they're discussing while I wait my turn. Finally, I'm like, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I forgot to grab an add sheet." He stares at me blankly and is all, "Add sheet?" So I say, "Yeah... to add me to the class... I spoke with you yesterday about it?" And he laughs, and loudly says, "Oh, I'm not the instructor." He glances back and then points to the guy walking in the door. "He's the instructor." Mortified. So I slunk back to my seat in shame. How awful. And everyone heard the exchange, but seriously, I'd only met the guy yesterday and I didn't really remember what he looked like, and... yeah. So freaking embarrassing.
The rest of the day was fine, though, surprisingly.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood. I got my switchee's package all wrapped up and mailed out today in what I thought was a flat rate box, but was not. Ah well.
The box is painfully small, but it is well packed and there are a few things in there I think she'll enjoy. Now to wait for her to get it! I love this part- not so much the waiting, but the hoping she'll love it and knowing it's on the way.
By the way, inky, I knew you were monet's switch witch- something about the bubble tea in the drawing made me think of you. Dude! You're an artist!
I hope you all have been as spoiled as I have. My SW still hasn't done a reveal, but left me a note saying that she would do that very soon. I'm on pins and needles!
I'm really glad that my husband and I get to be together... we didn't realize how much the housemate was draining our emotional resources- and we already thought he was draining too much. As for the housemate... only time will tell if he and I will get back to a place of friendship. Right now, wounds need time to close up and heal. After that, it's sort of in his court.
The boy and I are getting used to being comfortable in our own home with one another, and that is a good feeling.
With the exception of the ever present money issue. Gah.
I've been a member of BPAL.org for a year now! Wow.
I mean absolutely no offense to anybody with this post, especially not Krissy, but I don't get the kritters. I appreciate that other people like them and want them, but it doesn't resonate with me, I guess? They just sort of puzzle me. And, again, this is not meant to harm anyone's feelings or anything, but the price seems a little high. I don't know. I'm in a shitty mood, so please keep that in mind. I am sure they are adorable and they obviously have a fanbase, but... I dunno. I don't get it.
Here's another thing! Anybody here know of Melody? She writes books about gems and shit- I don't know her last name, don't really care. She's very new agey and has really long, white hair. Anyway. This woman I used to be friends with (V) hooked up with a doctor shortly after her husband died (he was admittedly an asshole, though, but still) and the doctor is old friends with Melody, so V used to go on and on about her and how she named gems after the doctor. Eventually V and the Dr. wanted to get "married", but she wouldn't get her dead husband's pension if she did, or something, so they had a commitment ceremony instead. (This is going somewhere, seriously.) Well, I went over to this ceremony at the doctor's house (oddly enough, they still weren't living together, and didn't for the first few months...) and met all these people and briefly spoke with Melody. Then V gets all excited and is like, "She's going to perform this special blessing on us!" And Melody turns to me, and I shit you not, says, "This bottle," she holds up this tiny blue bottle, "has water from the Ark of the Covenant in it." And I'm so taken aback that all I can say is, "Really." Pause. "Huh." And her eyes are shining all mystical like, and V's just thrilled to death, and I'm sitting there going, "Did I miss something?"
Water. Ark of the Covenant. And she was dead serious.
I've always wanted to introduce my husband to her by saying, "Oh! This is V- you remember me talking about her, right? She got married with the water from the Ark of the Covenant?" Hee.
I know I'm not always the most tactful person in the world, but why do people have to be rude? And why do they have to perpetuate drama? It frustrates me to see the forum degenerate into name-calling and snide remarks masked in smilies. Delivering an insult with a smile is still an insult, and is often more offensive that way. I understand wanting to have the last word, but you don't always need it. Go vent about it elsewhere. Start a blog. Do whatever you need to do, but work it out. Stop campaigning for your cause, because nobody cares.
I don't agree with everyone, and I get my hackles up if I feel insulted (which has happened once, and I did react really harshly.) or protective of a friend, or both. But sometimes just let it go. The forum isn't life or death, and if it is, you really need to see about chilling out.
Who am I talking to? That's a good question. (I was just remarking that I hate when people talk like that- rhetorical questions that they immediately answer. I think I saw it on Shark when I mentioned it. Anyway.) If you think I'm talking about you, you probably have good reason to think that, and it's probably true. I'm not talking about one single person, or one single side. Right or wrong, it gets absurd on both sides. Then again, I'm not talking about anyone who is reading my blog, probably.
Conflict is a part of life, and how we deal with it says a lot about who we are as people. I'm obviously a little(!!) unbalanced, but I'm trying to work out my flaws there.
I don't think people are bad. I just think sometimes you've got to take a step back.
October's venture made me realize that I need to test my top ten again, because Mag Mell dropped off my list! So I'll be working those in there, too. I'm trying to alternate days with LE's and GC's. Mostly, anyhow.
1: Dionysia (retry)
2: Phantom Queen
3: Gladdener of All Hearts
4: Bengal
5: Et Lux Fuit
6: Dana O'Shee
7: Tiki Queen
8: Earth Rat
9: Daiyu (retry)
10: Dee
11: Mictecacihuatl
12: Buggre Alle This Bible
13: Egg Nog
14: Western Diamondback
15: Lilith Victoria
16: Eclipse
17: Faith
18: Morocco
19: Cytherea
20: Carnal
21: Love's Philosophy
22: Miskatonic University
23: Crow Moon
24: Boomslang
25: Lilith Victoria (What? I love this one!)
26: Vasakasajja
27: Gladdener of All Hearts (What could be better for Thanksgiving?)
28: Villain
29: The Perilous Parlor
30: Dorian
This has to do with teh sex. There's your warning.
First of all, I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack so bad that I'm about to cry. This doesn't have to do with sex, but it does sort of explain my mindset. I've even tried applying Whitechapel, and I'm still this bad.
Okay, so, intimate time with the husband was minimal while we had the roommate to look after, and I've kind of gotten used to it being that way. I love sex, and I love him, but I have so much trouble getting my head into the right frame of mind. It almost makes me panic, and I dread even cuddling with him because I'm always tense, because I know he's going to ask for it, and you guys don't know how much I wish I could make this entry friends only. I've got more to say, but when it feels like 6000 eyes are prying, I just freeze up. How fitting.
Now I'm pissed, for no reason at all. Gah. PMS already? I need to get it together, because I'll be in school on tuesday. I'm really glad we're only having a 3 day week.
I'm so nervous about having to read LoTR. And I'm nervous about math. I really want to do very well in it.
As some of you know, my husband's hard drive died. He got a new one as his old one was under warranty... and after about six hours of working just fine (with all the updates and formatting) the computer shut off like it'd been doing before. He thinks this is indicative of an issue with overheating, but WHAT is overheating? Or it could be the power supply. If he tries to turn it back on, it goes into this loop of the boot screen, then loading windows, then a flash of blue and then wash, rinse, repeat. Add that to the fact that we're on an excruciatingly tight budget this month, and he is going to have to slog along with his old one- which is unstable as it is. So, yeah. This has attached to my depression in a big way. Fun stuff.
Yeah, poor me. Hah. I am actually okay. My husband and I were grumpy at one another tonight and so I was in a bad mood- it's strange, because we rarely have arguments; we're pretty good at straight-up communication, I think, but every now and then we just sort of misfire and get on one another's nerves, and that's what happened tonight. BUT I'm trying to let it go.
I made six loaves of bread today, and studied in between. SIX, people! I gave one to my parents. Does anybody know how many cups are in a gallon, approximately? I need to figure out how many loaves of bread I get out of a gallon of milk.
So, when I was brand new, a few people sent me free imps just to get me hooked. Every now and then, when the spirit moves me and I have extras, I offer to send some out. I did that recently with someone I'd been corresponding with and feeling pretty friendly with. So I sent them to her, and it's like she fell off the face of the planet. She quit coming to the forums a few weeks after it should have arrived, and I sent her a couple of messages telling her it was on the way, and then asking if it had gotten there safely, and I heard nothing from her. This bugs me. It's not like I wanted her to shout it from the rooftops or anything; I know plenty of other people do this, but just some acknowledgement via PM or SOMETHING would have been nice. Arg.
My brain is all over the place. And I can't remember where in the brain Wernicke's area is.
Finals are scary!!!
Stupid Lord of the Rings. Arrgh. I seriously want to email my 101 instructor and be like, "Do you believe this freak??? OMGSRSLY!" I don't really want to, but I wish I knew if he would be surprised that my papers are rating so poorly.
I was so tired today that for a brief moment, everything I looked at was this odd shade of orange.
I have a presentation to give in my speech class on thursday. How stressed about that am I? Very little. Less than I probably should be.
Guh.
I didn't even get to nap today. And I haven't been to the mailbox, and I have swaps that need to go out. Speaking of swaps, I haven't heard anything further from Duck Mountain, though I imagine she's got a few things to get in order. I guess I was expecting that to be sort of straightened out when she sent the message.
I have never wanted a BPAL tee shirt as much as Pink Moon... and my mom snagged it for me! That sucker is going to be so very worn out it's not even funny.
Is it summer yet? Why is there another quarter of classes before the break? I want summer break noooooow. I'm hoping next quarter changes that mindset for me, though.
What'm I going to take in the fall? That's a good question. It's something fun to obsess over! A&P 1 for sure. Other possibilities: English 201, Statistics, Pre-calc, Speech, some sort of literature class, physical anthropology... Dunno! Probably statistics and literature.
The pans that my mother was borrowing to bake the cakes? Yeah, not available after all. And I've officially been overruled. We're buying sheet cakes from Costco on friday. I can't go to the bakery to find out how much their cakes would be (and I can't find the number anywhere, because I don't know the name, I just know it's on the parkway.) because I'm under house arrest for a day of rest. And cleaning. I'm in major meltdown mode- but I appreciate all the offers of help and ranting in unison and encouragement to become ze bridezilla within. I think I need that right now. And the boy wants to watch House now. So very not in the mood.
My bio class was all full, so I had to sign up to take it from someone else, later in the day. Ugh. So here's my schedule, for now:
9-10: Intro to Linguistics
11:30-12:30: Cell Biology
12:40-1:40: History of Modern Middle East
I don't know if that's what I'll keep, though.
