Remember my wedding cake decorator? Free cake, as a wedding gift? Yeah, apparently, she's not going to be able to do that anymore. The move that she told me she'd be in the middle of when she offered to do it has caused her to be unable to do it. Her pans are all lost and she can't find anything for her kitchen and... dude. DUDE! My wedding is on freaking friday!! YYRRRAAAAARRRGGHHH!
As some of you know, my husband's hard drive died. He got a new one as his old one was under warranty... and after about six hours of working just fine (with all the updates and formatting) the computer shut off like it'd been doing before. He thinks this is indicative of an issue with overheating, but WHAT is overheating? Or it could be the power supply. If he tries to turn it back on, it goes into this loop of the boot screen, then loading windows, then a flash of blue and then wash, rinse, repeat. Add that to the fact that we're on an excruciatingly tight budget this month, and he is going to have to slog along with his old one- which is unstable as it is. So, yeah. This has attached to my depression in a big way. Fun stuff.
I'm really somebody else now. Now I sort of feel like I'm not ready to BE Grace. I should be more together. But this is me, and I'm as together as I've ever been, and it's time. Take care, everyone.
-Grace
I did something right with psychology- I got a 3.8!! Math is, of course a 3.4 (curses! I was hoping to make it to a 3.5, but it just didn't happen.) and the fitness center grade was a 4.0. So my quarterly GPA is a 3.83 and my cumulative is 3.42. I'm just sort of thrilled over psych right now. Hopefully my classes for next quarter will have similar results.
In other news, I'm now a super member on the forums!
Have you ever listened to the lyrics of "The Look" by Roxette? The boy and I just did, and they had us nearly hysterical. I don't know if it's a mis-translation or what, but it sounds exactly like they were all sitting around one day.... (fade to daydream sequence)
Band Member 1: We need to write a song! (It's in english because this is my daydream sequence)
Band Member 2: Good idea! What should we write about?
Band Member 1: (eating a sandwich) I'unno.
Band Member 3: Well, this IS the '80s. We should write about a chick.
Band Member 2: Nah, that's boring.
Band Member 1: (polishes off sandwich before speaking) Let's compromise! We'll write a song about a chick based off one of these crazy-funny mad-lib things! I just got one, and there is serious hilarity potential, I'm telling you! Plus, it's always good to spur inspiration!
Band Member 3: How is that a compromise? Are you stoned?
Band Member 2: Does it matter?
Band Member 3: ...not really. Let's get on it, then!
(end daydream sequence)
Also, I'm getting married on Joss Whedon's birthday, which is hysterical to me right now. I think I'm prone to hysteria due to finals looming large. But yeah. I had no idea until today, just now, when I read the deal about Serenity being released back into theaters for charity on his birthday. Heh. That's pretty wicked. The boy snickered and said resignedly, "Figures."
Gah. Must suppress urge to spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need.
My brother's mother-in-law is going to do all our flowers at no cost. That's pretty cool. Vicki. I need to remember her name is Vicki.
Cake at no cost, flowers at no cost, hairstyle at no cost, makeup at no cost, food handling at no cost (not actual catering, but people are helping to serve punch and keep trays stocked and cake set out and whatnot), piano for when I walk at no cost, decorations at little cost, location at no cost, officiant at no cost... And I know I'm forgetting stuff. I know I sound like an incredible cheapskate, but I just have a lot of great people in my life.
I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately.
I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way.
He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time.
I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special.
His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there.
I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that?
I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence.
The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me.
I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.
I suck.
Gah. Sorry for the drama queen syndrome. I just got the results of my last math exam and I sucked, and it pulled my GPA down and I'm really really depressed over it. So, yeah. I got a little intense with the poor me and thus we have suckage.
I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning
Has not been quite extinguished from my soul,
But let it cause you no more fret or mourning -
I do not wish to trouble you at all.
I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly,
At times in fear, at times in jealous hells...
I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly
As God let you be loved by someone else.
- Alexander Pushkin
How... exquisite... is this?
I wish I were better at picking out notes. I got my Chaos Theory in the mail on the first, and I'm not sure what I think of it. It feels almost perfect for me in some ways- like Beth was actually checking out my preferences or something- It is similar to Cerberus, but lighter. There's a slight sweetness and what might be blackberry wine. Wine often turns to kitty litter on my skin. I'm pretty sure the blackberries are what did me in with MB: Closet.
Manhattan isn't me. It's rather aloof and polished and a little bit masculine. It's a pretty scent, but it doesn't work for me. That's sad, but it means I get to make a trade for something I really want- Alice, Les Bijoux, Arkham, Misk U, and Baghdad all spring right to mind. I'm tempted to update my swap post right now, but I'm not sure I'm ready to part with it.
I'm undecided on Xanthe. I must test it out, but I'm sort of nervous, because I want to keep the bottle pristine, for some reason. Hah. I LOVE the trading card, and I must find all of them. I can't afford to have all the bottles, but surely people will be willing to part with the cards, right?
Finally, Katharina. So much love. So much goodness. White, musky goodness, and apricot with orange blossom goodness. Mmm.
Of the 8 frimps, I've only tried 2 previously, so that's cool. I'm going to need some imps to toss along with my school things so I can have them handy.
I must learn to knit socks. I love these things. Snarky, I love them! My feet rebel against my other socks, since having the royal treatment. It's my new obsession. Maybe I'll swap BPAL for socks! But I want to make my own. What's a garter stitch? I hear it mentioned in patterns a bit, but I don't think I've seen an example anywhere.
Also, my backwards knitting site doesn't have a section on how to do anything but cast on, knit and purl. That makes me nervous about trying other things. Dude! I can't believe I'll be back in school in less than two weeks! Annnnd enough about that. I'm all done for the night; gotta go snuggle with the boy.
I ADORE him. Have I mentioned that lately?
I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number.
I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?
So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.
I don't know how else to describe these things. I've begun collecting these moments in time where I felt an otherworldly calm, or where I felt something fundamental inside me change.
During a period of exceptionally dark depression, sobbing on the phone with my friend Shari (who lives across the country from me) as she frantically looks for a Star of David her grandfather gave her, and then listening to her recite, in Hebrew, the prayer for that day of Hannukah.
In the same mindset and a similar timeframe, being curled up in bed on a trip out of town to visit some friends, unable to go out and socialize, and my friend Stacy coming in and playing her guitar and singing to me. She has a beautiful voice, and I wish I had a recording of something her band has done.
Flying into Knoxville after an all night flight across the states and seeing my husband for the first time. Realizing that we were not just going to patch each other up and then move on, and trusting that he felt the same way also happened in that general period of time.
Staying up and talking with my brother in law about how much he loves my sister. (He is generally not overly expressive in that area.)
There are more, but those first two really have a special place in my heart.
I know I'm not always the most tactful person in the world, but why do people have to be rude? And why do they have to perpetuate drama? It frustrates me to see the forum degenerate into name-calling and snide remarks masked in smilies. Delivering an insult with a smile is still an insult, and is often more offensive that way. I understand wanting to have the last word, but you don't always need it. Go vent about it elsewhere. Start a blog. Do whatever you need to do, but work it out. Stop campaigning for your cause, because nobody cares.
I don't agree with everyone, and I get my hackles up if I feel insulted (which has happened once, and I did react really harshly.) or protective of a friend, or both. But sometimes just let it go. The forum isn't life or death, and if it is, you really need to see about chilling out.
Who am I talking to? That's a good question. (I was just remarking that I hate when people talk like that- rhetorical questions that they immediately answer. I think I saw it on Shark when I mentioned it. Anyway.) If you think I'm talking about you, you probably have good reason to think that, and it's probably true. I'm not talking about one single person, or one single side. Right or wrong, it gets absurd on both sides. Then again, I'm not talking about anyone who is reading my blog, probably.
Conflict is a part of life, and how we deal with it says a lot about who we are as people. I'm obviously a little(!!) unbalanced, but I'm trying to work out my flaws there.
I don't think people are bad. I just think sometimes you've got to take a step back.
I wish I could find a scent my husband really loves. He used to love Jailbait, but I wore it the other day and he didn't even recognize it. He told me it smelled nothing like Jailbait used to, to him.
There are very few that he absolutely dislikes, but I wish I had a scent in my arsenal that he would request and sniff my neck when I wear it. I feel like he tolerates my obsession, but it'd be nice if he could somehow benefit from it, too. Y'know?
I'm wearing Glitter right now, and I am SO not in the mood to be smelling like it. I thought it might cheer me up somehow, but it's not. I can't find MLST; it must be buried with Christmas stuff. Same with Alice and a few others. Nuts.
I wish I had something somber and still light. I don't need to find anymore scents to love, though.
I was talking to him yesterday about limited editions, and remarked that I don't think there's a single LE I love as much as my catalog favourites. Beaver Moon comes the closest. I REALLY like Cerberus, Lotus Moon, Et Lux Fuit, Storyville, Hungry Ghost Moon, and Halôa to name a few, but I think I would cry if Katharina, Whitechapel, Alice or Jailbait were ever discontinued and I really had to hunt for bottles of those. They are just breathtaking. They're perfect for me.
If I could make a huge order right now of GC bottles, I'd order Persephone (because I'm obsessed, even though I've yet to try it), Alice, Dorian, Euphrosyne, Regan, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale x2, Bewitched, The Lion, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Arkham, Shub, Misk U, Black Opal, Port-au-Prince, Lyonesse, and La Petit Mort.
Heh. If only. But it's more fun to dream about it here than to put it all in my shopping cart and then close it off.
Stupid Lord of the Rings. Arrgh. I seriously want to email my 101 instructor and be like, "Do you believe this freak??? OMGSRSLY!" I don't really want to, but I wish I knew if he would be surprised that my papers are rating so poorly.
I was so tired today that for a brief moment, everything I looked at was this odd shade of orange.
I have a presentation to give in my speech class on thursday. How stressed about that am I? Very little. Less than I probably should be.
Guh.
I didn't even get to nap today. And I haven't been to the mailbox, and I have swaps that need to go out. Speaking of swaps, I haven't heard anything further from Duck Mountain, though I imagine she's got a few things to get in order. I guess I was expecting that to be sort of straightened out when she sent the message.
I have never wanted a BPAL tee shirt as much as Pink Moon... and my mom snagged it for me! That sucker is going to be so very worn out it's not even funny.
Is it summer yet? Why is there another quarter of classes before the break? I want summer break noooooow. I'm hoping next quarter changes that mindset for me, though.
What'm I going to take in the fall? That's a good question. It's something fun to obsess over! A&P 1 for sure. Other possibilities: English 201, Statistics, Pre-calc, Speech, some sort of literature class, physical anthropology... Dunno! Probably statistics and literature.
I mortified myself this morning.
I rushed to get to school and was about ten minutes early, and the math classroom was empty except for the instructor, who looked like he was grading papers. So I came in and looked over my math, and I thought about running over to the admin building to get the add sheet I'd forgotten to pick up yesterday (and again today!) but decided against it. People slowly filter in, and this girl sits next to the instructor and starts asking him questions, so I don't want to interrupt that, but I do want to catch him before class starts, so I go over there, pull up a chair, and listen to what they're discussing while I wait my turn. Finally, I'm like, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I forgot to grab an add sheet." He stares at me blankly and is all, "Add sheet?" So I say, "Yeah... to add me to the class... I spoke with you yesterday about it?" And he laughs, and loudly says, "Oh, I'm not the instructor." He glances back and then points to the guy walking in the door. "He's the instructor." Mortified. So I slunk back to my seat in shame. How awful. And everyone heard the exchange, but seriously, I'd only met the guy yesterday and I didn't really remember what he looked like, and... yeah. So freaking embarrassing.
The rest of the day was fine, though, surprisingly.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood. I got my switchee's package all wrapped up and mailed out today in what I thought was a flat rate box, but was not. Ah well.
The box is painfully small, but it is well packed and there are a few things in there I think she'll enjoy. Now to wait for her to get it! I love this part- not so much the waiting, but the hoping she'll love it and knowing it's on the way.
By the way, inky, I knew you were monet's switch witch- something about the bubble tea in the drawing made me think of you. Dude! You're an artist!
I hope you all have been as spoiled as I have. My SW still hasn't done a reveal, but left me a note saying that she would do that very soon. I'm on pins and needles!
I'm really glad that my husband and I get to be together... we didn't realize how much the housemate was draining our emotional resources- and we already thought he was draining too much. As for the housemate... only time will tell if he and I will get back to a place of friendship. Right now, wounds need time to close up and heal. After that, it's sort of in his court.
The boy and I are getting used to being comfortable in our own home with one another, and that is a good feeling.
With the exception of the ever present money issue. Gah.
Yeah, poor me. Hah. I am actually okay. My husband and I were grumpy at one another tonight and so I was in a bad mood- it's strange, because we rarely have arguments; we're pretty good at straight-up communication, I think, but every now and then we just sort of misfire and get on one another's nerves, and that's what happened tonight. BUT I'm trying to let it go.
I made six loaves of bread today, and studied in between. SIX, people! I gave one to my parents. Does anybody know how many cups are in a gallon, approximately? I need to figure out how many loaves of bread I get out of a gallon of milk.
So, when I was brand new, a few people sent me free imps just to get me hooked. Every now and then, when the spirit moves me and I have extras, I offer to send some out. I did that recently with someone I'd been corresponding with and feeling pretty friendly with. So I sent them to her, and it's like she fell off the face of the planet. She quit coming to the forums a few weeks after it should have arrived, and I sent her a couple of messages telling her it was on the way, and then asking if it had gotten there safely, and I heard nothing from her. This bugs me. It's not like I wanted her to shout it from the rooftops or anything; I know plenty of other people do this, but just some acknowledgement via PM or SOMETHING would have been nice. Arg.
My brain is all over the place. And I can't remember where in the brain Wernicke's area is.
Finals are scary!!!
I was all excited about placing into the college level algebra... went in today, and the instructor jumped into chapter 5. Chapter 5!!!@#$#$!!~@@#!!~!#$%&(#! Dude, I'm not that smart. Seriously. And it's the first day! I don't have my freaking books! I didn't get the financial aid check until saturday!! Then, she tried to play it off like it was school policy for us to have to get the customized book with the cd-tutorial thing so that we could all take our quizzes from it or some crazy shit, but when I went to the bookstore, the manager (not some student employee, but the actual manager) seemed flabbergasted that we'd be required to get that book. Also, a bunch of people in the class had already gotten the book, and hadn't gotten the one with the tutorial, which cost them an extra $40. And I knew it'd be hard, but I wasn't expecting it to sound like she was speaking a foreign tongue.
So I looked over the homework, and none of it is making any sense to me. At all. And it makes me feel awful, because it's not even that advanced, I just don't have the foundation I need, apparently. And I'm starting to panic because I need this class... If I can't cut it, I'll have to spend 3 quarters on JUST math. Which means it'll be a whole year of waiting to accomplish the prereq's for the radiology program, so it'll be pushed back to the summer of '08 instead of next year, and that's if I'm lucky and all the stars align and.... Wow, I'm insane. And english is sounding like it may become a class I'll hate, sadly. But I'm going to stay with it because I think I may like the instructor... tentatively. I don't know. I'm pretty insane.
This has to do with teh sex. There's your warning.
First of all, I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack so bad that I'm about to cry. This doesn't have to do with sex, but it does sort of explain my mindset. I've even tried applying Whitechapel, and I'm still this bad.
Okay, so, intimate time with the husband was minimal while we had the roommate to look after, and I've kind of gotten used to it being that way. I love sex, and I love him, but I have so much trouble getting my head into the right frame of mind. It almost makes me panic, and I dread even cuddling with him because I'm always tense, because I know he's going to ask for it, and you guys don't know how much I wish I could make this entry friends only. I've got more to say, but when it feels like 6000 eyes are prying, I just freeze up. How fitting.
Now I'm pissed, for no reason at all. Gah. PMS already? I need to get it together, because I'll be in school on tuesday. I'm really glad we're only having a 3 day week.
I'm so nervous about having to read LoTR. And I'm nervous about math. I really want to do very well in it.
The deadline for getting your questionnaire to the switch witch account is February 24 at 6:00 PM EST. They're going to try to have assignments out by March 1, and the end of the round will be May 10, with no grace period- essentially, the grace period is included, I'd think. Here's the link to the actual post!
Yeah, but I also feel kind of awful. I mean, here's the thing: My husband says we can put off getting rid of one of the cats until he gets his disability, which will probably not be until January or so. We're going to take his cat to get checked out at a vet's office to figure out what's wrong with her- even on sensitive stomach cat food, she vomits pretty much every day, poor thing. I also think there's something wrong with her eyesight. If there's something seriously wrong with her and it's outside of our budget, we'll have to look at options there. So I'm still going to have to get rid of one of our cats, just now one might be getting put down... not exactly sunshine and roses. But it is a respite. And maybe they'll sort it out over this winter. The biggest problem is that there's no alpha cat. My cat is more willing to fight, but she's a scaredy cat, and she knows when she's outmatched. His cat can kick my cat's ass, but won't fight for anything. So the dynamic between them is... well, not dynamic.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. At this point, I'm a hair's breadth from invesigating bunnies. (Not as pets. It's a Buffy quote.)
We tried getting them both hopped up on catnip this weekend to see if they'd be more willing to duke it out, but no such luck.
I'm contemplating bringing a third cat into the mix to shake things up. (My parents' cat, on loan. However, they have a male cat, so I'm not sure what impact, if any, he would have. He'd probably just avoid all the conflict and laze around in the sun.)
The pans that my mother was borrowing to bake the cakes? Yeah, not available after all. And I've officially been overruled. We're buying sheet cakes from Costco on friday. I can't go to the bakery to find out how much their cakes would be (and I can't find the number anywhere, because I don't know the name, I just know it's on the parkway.) because I'm under house arrest for a day of rest. And cleaning. I'm in major meltdown mode- but I appreciate all the offers of help and ranting in unison and encouragement to become ze bridezilla within. I think I need that right now. And the boy wants to watch House now. So very not in the mood.
It's late, and I'm tired, so I know that's mostly why my emotions are all over the place.
I suck at this dieting thing, even though I love salad and fresh fruit and wheat bread... I'm just not doing well with it. I need to add exercise, but I'd have to clear out the front room to really do that, plus I don't have the energy to divert in that direction at this point.
I found some old floppy disks that had files and photographs on it from years ago, and there were several of the man I don't think I've ever fully recovered from. I love my husband, and I am completely his, but because there was something so raw about the relationship I had with this other guy, my heart still aches a little at the thought of everything that happened.
I wouldn't be with my husband if it hadn't happened like that, though.
Anyway, I've been feeling nostalgic for all these old things/experiences lately, and I realized that nothing ever stays the same. The saying "You can never go home again"? Really applies to me right now. Not physical homes, but online communities.
I miss Charlie.
Anyway. I'm going to go play mind-numbing games until I can sleep.
Stupid Verizon. I'll update about them later.
