I wish I were better at picking out notes. I got my Chaos Theory in the mail on the first, and I'm not sure what I think of it. It feels almost perfect for me in some ways- like Beth was actually checking out my preferences or something- It is similar to Cerberus, but lighter. There's a slight sweetness and what might be blackberry wine. Wine often turns to kitty litter on my skin. I'm pretty sure the blackberries are what did me in with MB: Closet.
Manhattan isn't me. It's rather aloof and polished and a little bit masculine. It's a pretty scent, but it doesn't work for me. That's sad, but it means I get to make a trade for something I really want- Alice, Les Bijoux, Arkham, Misk U, and Baghdad all spring right to mind. I'm tempted to update my swap post right now, but I'm not sure I'm ready to part with it.
I'm undecided on Xanthe. I must test it out, but I'm sort of nervous, because I want to keep the bottle pristine, for some reason. Hah. I LOVE the trading card, and I must find all of them. I can't afford to have all the bottles, but surely people will be willing to part with the cards, right?
Finally, Katharina. So much love. So much goodness. White, musky goodness, and apricot with orange blossom goodness. Mmm.
Of the 8 frimps, I've only tried 2 previously, so that's cool. I'm going to need some imps to toss along with my school things so I can have them handy.
I must learn to knit socks. I love these things. Snarky, I love them! My feet rebel against my other socks, since having the royal treatment. It's my new obsession. Maybe I'll swap BPAL for socks! But I want to make my own. What's a garter stitch? I hear it mentioned in patterns a bit, but I don't think I've seen an example anywhere.
Also, my backwards knitting site doesn't have a section on how to do anything but cast on, knit and purl. That makes me nervous about trying other things. Dude! I can't believe I'll be back in school in less than two weeks! Annnnd enough about that. I'm all done for the night; gotta go snuggle with the boy.
I ADORE him. Have I mentioned that lately?
I've been directed to some great sites, but I can't seem to figure out how to do that first stitch. Also, what's with purling? Do I need to learn how to do that right away? Not that I know what either of them actually are... I'm really, really frustrated with myself right now and wishing I had somebody to show me what all I'm doing wrong.
So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.
I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning
Has not been quite extinguished from my soul,
But let it cause you no more fret or mourning -
I do not wish to trouble you at all.
I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly,
At times in fear, at times in jealous hells...
I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly
As God let you be loved by someone else.
- Alexander Pushkin
How... exquisite... is this?
I got a package from Ms. Snark containing the last of my Spring Switch Witchery, and wow! She knitted me a stunning pair of socks, and included the pattern and... I can't stop looking at them! They're like art, for my feet!
Thank you so much, darlin'. That made my day!
I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number.
I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?
I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately.
I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way.
He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time.
I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special.
His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there.
I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that?
I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence.
The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me.
I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.
It is imperative that you find a way to use whatever talents and gifts you have--the more you use them, the more ability you will develop. Do not neglect them (given your 5th house stellium I'm betting on creative something or another, maybe very public, dramatic work/play...but whatever it is, don't just think something like "well, if I can't be the best {fill in the blank} I shouldn't even do it.." Do it, whatever it is.
Jarvenpa read my chart based on my birthdate, location and time of birth. That's a brief snippet of what she said-- I'm still processing it all. The above seemed really personal and relevent right now, given my whole art obsession- could my talent lie there? It's possible.
I really think that was the nudge I needed to decide to stick with the art class and not watch for another class to open up in that time slot instead. However, I am not convinced that drawing will be my creative talent. I might need to start writing again soon. English 201 is on my list for winter quarter, and then in the spring or next fall I'll probably take creative writing. I. . . guess we'll see where life takes me this year.
I'm really rather excited.
Now all I have to do is wait for the financial aid to be awarded. . . I really, really hope it happens soon, so I don't have to drop all my classes and scrounge around at the last minute for open ones. That would be terribly sad.
I've got a lot to think about.
I am all over the place tonight. So I have this horrible confession to make. I'm too embarrassed to make it on the forum, though I might as well be.
Everytime somebody dies, I resent my dad for still being alive. I don't have the energy to actively hate him, though when I think about it, I do.
I wonder if anyone will hurt when he dies.
Gah. This isn't productive. I need to get out of here for a bit.
I was going to postsecret that (with less words, of course), but I think I'll just leave it here.
Not so much that I'm thinking about cotton candy as the level of substance to the thoughts...
I was thinking about my name. I just signed a PM "Gracie", even though I've been using "Grace" predominantly. I have also written out a few return labels using the full Gracelyn. It's inevitable that I'll use one more than the others, right? I never shortened my given name, despite it having a very popular nickname (which my mother hated), so I don't know how these things work. It's like having three seperate names! It's almost like playing "pretend" again.
Woah. I am so not upset about the contest not being as successful as I might've imagined. It was late, and I was tired and cranky and felt sort of silly and awkward having devised this intricate event with the two entertaining guesses and the two entertaining non-guesses. (I really did love all the responses.) I realize it isn't All About Me- non-cc paypal only is a limitation, and everybody's saving up for the update, and I'm sure some people feel like it's too much of a gamble and I'm equally sure there are many people who are simply not interested. But, hey, if you guess now, you're pretty much guaranteed a pack. Unless five people pop up and want to play. Heh. Anyway, I'm more relaxed about it. Really.
There are worse things to be. But I am. (Think the Cowardly Lion from Oz... only more dignified. Sometimes)
Y'know, for all that I've expressed a desire to pursue my interest in art, I'm really dragging my feet with the follow-through. I realized that I don't want to take Japanese this year, which leaves me another class, which I usually love. This time, not so much. Here's the thing. There's a design class open in my time slot. It's perfect. It's the one to take before you take, like, drawing and painting and whatnot.
I had such a horrible time with art the first time around that I sort of feel defensive about taking a class. That's an understatement. I'm afraid that someone else will tell me I'm no good. I've never been good with art.
I learned a lot from Bloody Mary. She was engaging with the topics, and I adored the people in the class. (I think it reminded me a little of high school, only now I'm not afraid. Well, I'm still afraid, but in comparison... yeah. You don't even know. But anyway, the class was fun.) When it came to her projects, though... She was a right bitch. Her syllabus stated that if we thought a grade was unfair, to go talk to her about it and see what could be done, but that was apparently code for "I don't have time for you, you talentless, tasteless, obnoxious creature."
She'd publically ridicule ideas from people. People like me, obviously. She has no way of knowing that speaking out in class at all; going up to her about things... they're huge deals for me. My social anxiety kept me housebound for months at a time. Starting college was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I don't expect her to be a mind-reader, but to say, "I suppose we can bump it up a little if you're going to slit your wrists over it..." complete with the eye-roll, I found inappropriate. "I can't grade on effort," she told me. "I have to grade based on end product. Do you think yours looks anything like the ones on display?" And, honey, if you don't grade on effort, I'm not going to give you any, because I'm not an artist. No, mine didn't look like the ones the art majors did. This is not a high level art class. It's intro to art. If she'd said flat out at the very start that she was looking for quality art, I would've dropped the class, because I've never had art instruction. But she said the opposite; "You don't need to be an artist to ace this class; we don't judge based on talent..." Royal we. Blech.
She also expected us to complete the projects without guidance regarding technique, might I add- We watched a video on Maria the amazing pot-maker (There is no sarcasm in this- this woman really is amazing, and world famous.), and that was ALL we got about pottery before we had to make our own. That was our last project, and anytime she'd walk by, I'd crumple my attempt up and start over, because she was laughing at people. Not in a kind way, either. She guised her jabs in humor a lot of the time, but we were all bloody by the end of that class. Hence "Bloody Mary."
So what did I learn from Bloody Mary? I learned to get angry. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to hold my own and not back down. These may seem like silly little things, but they're important.
I wish she hadn't been so mean. I learned a lot about artists from her. If it hadn't been for the projects, I think I really would've liked her class a lot more. How's that for irony? Decent teacher (assuming she's not making fun of students), rotten art teacher. I'm still glad I took the class, despite how much I complain about it to this day.
But this makes me afraid to take more. I'm not good. Sometimes I see things and I copy them. But I don't know the first thing about actual technique.
I should take the design class. I probably won't. I'm a scaredy cat.
Good news! The A/C is working! We need to be careful about the filter, but the thermostat is fine and everything. This means that we won't be getting a new air conditioner for our birthdays, which is patently Good. I'm hoping he gives me a watch. And here's where I break off into a tangent, all day-dreamy-like:
Didn't I ever write about "Christmas?" (I can't ever remember if the question mark should be out of the quotes or in it.) The boy moved here on December 28th so that he could spend Christmas with his family for the first time in a long time. We postponed Christmas- the meal, the presents, everything- until the 29th. This left him rather overwhelmed, due to the fact that a vast majority of my large family showed up. He was great with them. It was memorable and such a delight.
He got me the coolest gift ever.
He'd been teasing me by talking about it. He found it on Amazon. It had puzzled him at first. Why would anyone want it? Then, he had an idea. He'd shared it with his dad. His dad was jealous that he hadn't thought of something like that for his mom. The moment arrived, and I opened the shiny, shiny paper to reveal a big, white box. I opened the box to find what appeared to be a jewelry box. Only it isn't one! It's a watch box. He took my hand and said, "It'll be full in about 20 years, but I'll get you another one." The symbolism of time, and marking the passage of time with a watch each year... it all took my breath away. It's SO gorgeous.
And, breaking away from the daydream-
That probably means he won't be getting me a watch for my birthday; just Christmas, but it'd be nice to have a couple to store in it. I love that thing. ...Yeah, I have to admit it, I'm really hoping for bpal. And I feel guilty. I wish I were a better person. But another watch would be nice.
I am so freaking sick. I feel gross. Swimming to kill the odd skin inflammation did not work. We are trying bleach today, which is gross, but seems to be working. I'm just so wiped out. I need to get out of my house, though. I've got swaps to deliver.
My mom is calling me Gracie. It's wierd, and hard for her. I worry that it's making her too uncomfortable. She knows why I did it, and that it had nothing to do with her, but... I almost feel like a stranger. I didn't know that the name change would affect me like it has. It's not bad, necessarily. Sometimes it's odd, but not bad.
I want to cut off my hair. I need to find a good style. Who'm I kidding? Heh. I'd never keep up with it anyway. I'm lucky if I bother to comb it out, these days. More people compliment it when I don't, come to think of it. People are so strange.
I'm really hoping the mods get back to me soon. I'm impatient.
I'm really somebody else now. Now I sort of feel like I'm not ready to BE Grace. I should be more together. But this is me, and I'm as together as I've ever been, and it's time. Take care, everyone.
-Grace
I got oddly sick today- yesterday, now. I was really weak and dizzy and there were other symptoms as well. My name change hearing is tomorrow, and I'm pretty freaked out over it.
"So, why 'Grace?'"
Lots of people have asked me that. Honestly, for real, I don't know. I mean, I think it's a lovely name; always have. But I'm sort of the least graceful person in the world, so it'll be something of an irony. It feels right to me, still. I'm happy with it. The word 'grace' can mean several things, and I like that, as well.
It's not a family name; it's my name.
My mother-in-law has made a point of calling me Grace, and scolding my husband when he doesn't. I heart her- I feel very lucky.
I'm not excited about going to court tomorrow. I don't know what to expect.
I waited too long to record the wedding details. I'm forgetting stuff, and that makes me so sad. It was magical. I'm so glad it's over. I never thought I'd be able to say something like that- if I treasured a memory, I obsessively wished I could re-live it. There were underlying reasons; there always are- but it's a sign I've grown some. I'm just happy to have the memory.
So, yesterday, one of the many people snapping zillions of pictures at my wedding brought over a collage style picture frame with the pictures in question in it... and it was sobering to see myself in a picture. Like, embarrassing. To the point where I've had enough. Eating habits must change this summer. Workouts must be performed regularly in the fall. I may be so drastic as to join a gym. I am tired of ze flab. It will be eradicated. I'm just not sure how I'll do this. It's all well and good to look at the pictures and resolve not to do it anymore, but I've got a serious addiction to combat. One day at a time? Should I try a twelve step program? Should I just cut it out of my life, cold turkey?
I really felt like I looked great at my wedding, but to see the photographs... appalling.
"For the duration of your mortal lives"
That bothers me more than "till death do you part."
I'll continue the full account, but I wanted to write about this now.
As I mentioned previously, I was raised primarily in the LDS church. One thing the church really hammers home is the importance of eternal families. Eternal families are formed through sacred covenants made in a temple wedding ceremony- the couple is sealed in the temple, as the phrase goes. (Not literally.) Anyone who marries outside the temple, provided they are given ample opportunity in this life to do so, will not be able to remain with their spouse beyond death. Despite my doubts about my devotion to christianity as a whole, this really scares me. I don't know that we will have a lot of time together on this earth, so what if it really is true? This must sound ridiculous or lofty or something, but... I just love him so much. I don't want to spend eternity knowing I could've been with him, but my choices made it so I can't.
With "til death do you part," it was easier to reassure myself that a mortal death doesn't kill the soul- thus, there is no death. "For the duration of your mortal lives" is pretty freaking straightforward. There's no room for interpretation there. It's like an expiration date has been stamped on our marriage, and the silly thing is that I don't even know if I believe that. I know I shouldn't. I know that no just God would sentence me to hell for not getting married in the temple- and, while the LDS religion doesn't teach that people who aren't married in the temple will go to hell (just a lower degree of heaven), eternity without him would be hell for me, no matter how nice the accomodations.
It makes me afraid of losing him. I shouldn't be obsessing over this; I know. I just can't help it.
I'm getting MARRIED tomorrow! And it's already tomorrow in some places! I can't believe how excited and calm I am, all at the same time. My piano player did show up at the rehersal, so we talked about what songs I wanted and what parts. I'm walking to Nightfall and Leaves on the Seine by David Lanz. I love him.
I'm starting to feel self-conscious about my dress not being white or traditional. Woah. Serious anxiety. That's so weird. ...
Ugh. I'm so stressed out now! What happened to being calm? I'm going to be walking in front of who knows how many people in a blue nonwedding dress! Why didn't I get a normal dress, like normal people do?
I'll be married in 48 hours!! I got shoes (they're pretty much hideous, but I don't imagine I'll end up caring a lot about them!) and my nails done- I'm loving them, but not the typing with them on. I hung out with one of my dearest friends from high school for several hours today, and that was fun. She actually learned the first two pages of one of the songs I had wanted to walk to, in case my piano player flakes out, as she is wont to do. That is very nice of her, and quite unexpected. Hopefully we'll be able to get together tomorrow, but tomorrow is going to be very busy. We were able to find a bakery that was SO reasonably priced and extremely sympathetic to my case and just incredibly nice overall who would also be able to get it done by friday, which is so awesome. It's going to be a lovely cake, and there's carrot cake! It's extremely good carrot cake. The other layers are white with different fillings- odd that I won't be having chocolate. I may grab a chocolate sheet cake to make sure we have enough.
The pans that my mother was borrowing to bake the cakes? Yeah, not available after all. And I've officially been overruled. We're buying sheet cakes from Costco on friday. I can't go to the bakery to find out how much their cakes would be (and I can't find the number anywhere, because I don't know the name, I just know it's on the parkway.) because I'm under house arrest for a day of rest. And cleaning. I'm in major meltdown mode- but I appreciate all the offers of help and ranting in unison and encouragement to become ze bridezilla within. I think I need that right now. And the boy wants to watch House now. So very not in the mood.
Remember my wedding cake decorator? Free cake, as a wedding gift? Yeah, apparently, she's not going to be able to do that anymore. The move that she told me she'd be in the middle of when she offered to do it has caused her to be unable to do it. Her pans are all lost and she can't find anything for her kitchen and... dude. DUDE! My wedding is on freaking friday!! YYRRRAAAAARRRGGHHH!
