For the sake of keeping track, I've read Twilight thus far in 2008.
60lbs-4lbs=56lbs to go!
Anyway. I think being sick is good for my diet. I don't know that I've ever been this sick without also being depressed and had utterly no appetite. My husband has resorted to trying to retrieve me all manner of sweet things to try and get me to eat, but nothing tastes good, and I have no inclination toward any of it. I've lost 4 lbs since my last weigh in, which I've noted above. I think I may have lost most of it in the last four or five days. But the not eating thing probably explains the no energy thing.
Hopefully tomorrow will arrive and I'll be doing much better. If nothing else, I'll be able to go to school. (I've missed this entire week!)
My internet has been gone for the past week or so! I shall return as soon as the telecommunication gods decide they don't hate me anymore. Thinking of you all, and hoping you're doing well.
I will have a huge update coming when I do get back. (Possibly tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath.)
Life: Week one is over tomorrow. I totally chickened out and dropped art immediately. It was a good decision. I get to focus on math and enjoy my psych class and then I have extra time to work out.
Of BPAL: My husband commented today that he likes Port-au-Prince on me. I'm in love with the scent. I think I need to re-explore almond scents that I snubbed early on. Bastet, I'm looking at you. So, yeah. Port-au-Prince is on my list of favourites now. My Alice imp is leaky. This is sad! It's my new sleep-time scent! Has anyone tried Les Fleurs du Mal? I guess I could go read reviews. Is it cloyingly floral? The description seems overwhelming, and yet I want to try it.
Life: I thought I had a quiz tomorrow, but then I realized I didn't! One more week to study vocab.
Of BPAL: I'm kinda excited about getting stuff together for my switchee. I need to pick up some things... I just hope she doesn't think I'm lame. I do feel like I'm gradually getting better at it, though! I'm going to work on doing my GC package sniffing on weekends and then shipping during the week.
Life: It's better with a routine. I need a strategy for next summer. But that will wait a few months, I think. In the meantime...
BPAL! (Er, I mean, studying.)
I'm doing better.
I really am going to have to get rid of my cat.
I'm trying to keep my mind off the impending seperation by testing BPAL oils.
Tavern of Hell: Not me at all. It is unusual, but there's this odd musky scent that actually turns my stomach. Even on drydown, it's still there in the background. It's possible this might even out to something lovely, but there are other scents I love more from start to finish. I think it might be the ambergris that I dislike.
Tweedledee: This, in the imp, smells just like the imp of Kunstkammer I had that loved me. It's like a slightly melted orange popsicle with a splash of iced tea and the spice of the pepper gives this added depth. I really like this one.
Severin: I have tried this a couple of times. It smells light and fresh in the imp, but once it hits my skin, it is GONE. I can't smell it past 15 minutes. Strange.
Yeah. I don't know what to do with myself, because this isn't working.
I'm getting MARRIED tomorrow! And it's already tomorrow in some places! I can't believe how excited and calm I am, all at the same time. My piano player did show up at the rehersal, so we talked about what songs I wanted and what parts. I'm walking to Nightfall and Leaves on the Seine by David Lanz. I love him.
I'm starting to feel self-conscious about my dress not being white or traditional. Woah. Serious anxiety. That's so weird. ...
Ugh. I'm so stressed out now! What happened to being calm? I'm going to be walking in front of who knows how many people in a blue nonwedding dress! Why didn't I get a normal dress, like normal people do?
In my excitement over not being pregnant, I forgot to share one of my main causes of anxiety, and that is my new nephew! My sister in law had her baby on the 16th and he is beautiful! Obviously they both came through it fine, which was worriesome at the time, and they got to leave the day afterwards, even though it had originally been projected that she'd have to stay at least three days. So, yes. There's much happiness over the new addition to the family.
I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily.
Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating.
My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks.
I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.
I think I may draw on my experiences with people here to include in my novel, but there is one name in particular I plan on using in it- Valentina. So, lady, let me know if you want me to keep my grubby hands off your name or if it's okay.
It's going to be an all female cast as far as present action goes, but male figures will play a part in past events and whatnot. I'm excited! Now to get it all outlined. I need to get back to detailing my main character! I just wanted to share- but one of my personal dares to myself is to draw on something from the forums for each chapter, so... anyway. Madness commence! Or commence madness! Or whatever. Evs! Ack.
I will be generous with the spoiler tags, for those who plan on seeing it. First, I'll do generalizations:
It is visually stunning. There's no denying that.
The cast is amazing. I need to watch more foreign films, because it cemented my belief that I just don't have an understanding of interpersonal relationships anywhere but where I've lived. In other words, not all the interactions translate into my sphere of understanding, if that makes any sense. It's like anger in anime always seems way, way overdramatic and over-done to me. . . which is a bit of a simplistic way of putting it, but that's all I can really say about it right now.
It isn't what I was expecting from the trailer I saw- but I read enough reviews to know it wasn't exactly what I was expecting anyway, but it still wasn't what I was expecting.
It seemed a little... scattered? Thematically, I mean. That could be my lack of understanding (as mentioned above) in part, but not wholly. And here is where I get into spoiler tags. Note: A lot of this is critical because I think a lot of the good has been advocated already, but I did really enjoy the experience.
Spoiler
I am probably in the minority here, and I realize that.
I was originally under the impression that it was a fantasy movie, sort of in the vein of Labyrinth, Willow or Legend. Then I was under the impression that it was a movie about blurring those lines between fantasy and reality. I'm left feeling like it wasn't a faerie tale, and it wasn't religious and it wasn't historical, and it sort of needed to define itself.
If it was a fable, it wasn't a good one, because the "moral of the story" kept changing- it could've been about faith, but the last test was to not have faith, so that's not it.
There were too many stories crammed into the movie, and they didn't feel cohesive to me. It sort of felt like they were all neglected; like they didn't have enough time to get to any of them completely.
I would've preferred more focus on the fantasy aspect, obviously. I would have been happy, though, if any one aspect had been central, rather than all of them seeming peripheral.
Also, looking at it from a historical standpoint- from what I understand, there were no good guys in that war, so I felt a little uncomfortable with how sympathetic the "outlaws" were made to be. (Isn't that essentially Stalin's camp?) I appreciate how unflinching and stark the film was about it, but it seemed like it was mis-represented a little bit, perhaps.
Finally, since I'm not in a place where I can coherently express myself, I have a teensy bone to pick.
That awesome, awesome scene for her second task? The guy with his eyes in his hands? That pissed me off. This chick crawls into the belly of a tree, with bugs crawling all over her, to look for some toad and feed some rocks to, just because the faun told her to. But when he makes it really clear that the one thing she can't do while she's in the second task is eat, she falters? It's not like she's starving. Her family is well taken care of on that front. And it's not like she's never read a faerie tale! She's obsessed with them! So she should freaking know better! But she still eats! That was so infuriating to me. At least there could have been some clever trap for her to walk into, but it was just straightforward. "Ho-hum. I think I'll pluck some dinner off this table where this freaky guy is sitting with his eyeballs on the plate... mmm." No. Not believable. That girl knows better. Anyway, I'm going to end this here. Heh.
It is imperative that you find a way to use whatever talents and gifts you have--the more you use them, the more ability you will develop. Do not neglect them (given your 5th house stellium I'm betting on creative something or another, maybe very public, dramatic work/play...but whatever it is, don't just think something like "well, if I can't be the best {fill in the blank} I shouldn't even do it.." Do it, whatever it is.
Jarvenpa read my chart based on my birthdate, location and time of birth. That's a brief snippet of what she said-- I'm still processing it all. The above seemed really personal and relevent right now, given my whole art obsession- could my talent lie there? It's possible.
I really think that was the nudge I needed to decide to stick with the art class and not watch for another class to open up in that time slot instead. However, I am not convinced that drawing will be my creative talent. I might need to start writing again soon. English 201 is on my list for winter quarter, and then in the spring or next fall I'll probably take creative writing. I. . . guess we'll see where life takes me this year.
I'm really rather excited.
Now all I have to do is wait for the financial aid to be awarded. . . I really, really hope it happens soon, so I don't have to drop all my classes and scrounge around at the last minute for open ones. That would be terribly sad.
I've got a lot to think about.
Woah. I am so not upset about the contest not being as successful as I might've imagined. It was late, and I was tired and cranky and felt sort of silly and awkward having devised this intricate event with the two entertaining guesses and the two entertaining non-guesses. (I really did love all the responses.) I realize it isn't All About Me- non-cc paypal only is a limitation, and everybody's saving up for the update, and I'm sure some people feel like it's too much of a gamble and I'm equally sure there are many people who are simply not interested. But, hey, if you guess now, you're pretty much guaranteed a pack. Unless five people pop up and want to play. Heh. Anyway, I'm more relaxed about it. Really.
My super-secret knitting project? Yeah, it's taking forfreakingever. Am I just excruciatingly slow? I think I might be halfway done with it now, and I've been knitting for a week. How quickly should this be taking shape? Am I going way too slowly, or is this average? ... I think I may go with PM's.
My husband's cat is still not venturing out of the room- not often. When she does, my cat immediately chases her back under our bed... and she runs. There's no fighting back.
Today he told me that we're probably going to need to get rid of one. Being who he is, he presented it as us needing to get rid of his cat. The cat he flew in from Tennessee. The cat he loves. And I just can't let him do it. It's cruel to keep this going on, so one of them does need to go- or they just need to go at it, but we haven't been able to instigate that.
I love my cat. LOVE. And I don't know of anybody who can take her. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Why does everything shift to bleak in an instant like that?
I mortified myself this morning.
I rushed to get to school and was about ten minutes early, and the math classroom was empty except for the instructor, who looked like he was grading papers. So I came in and looked over my math, and I thought about running over to the admin building to get the add sheet I'd forgotten to pick up yesterday (and again today!) but decided against it. People slowly filter in, and this girl sits next to the instructor and starts asking him questions, so I don't want to interrupt that, but I do want to catch him before class starts, so I go over there, pull up a chair, and listen to what they're discussing while I wait my turn. Finally, I'm like, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I forgot to grab an add sheet." He stares at me blankly and is all, "Add sheet?" So I say, "Yeah... to add me to the class... I spoke with you yesterday about it?" And he laughs, and loudly says, "Oh, I'm not the instructor." He glances back and then points to the guy walking in the door. "He's the instructor." Mortified. So I slunk back to my seat in shame. How awful. And everyone heard the exchange, but seriously, I'd only met the guy yesterday and I didn't really remember what he looked like, and... yeah. So freaking embarrassing.
The rest of the day was fine, though, surprisingly.
If I were a dessert, I'd be tiramisu... who'm I kidding? I'd be a pint of the best haagen daz.
If I were an alcoholic beverage, I'd be hot buttered rum.
If I were a type of music, I'd be Nightfall, by David Lanz.
If I were a color, I'd be pale blue.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate
If I were an animal, I'd be a white tiger.
If I were a story, I'd be emo.
If I were a car, I'd be a toyota.
If I were a poem, I'd be my own.
If I were a bird, I'd be a crane.
If I were a BPAL oil, I'd be Et Lux Fuit.
If I were a country, I'd be India.
If I were a mythological being, I'd be a naiad or meliae (hamadryad of the ash tree)
If I were an article of clothing, I'd be a well worn and loved hoody.
If I were a reptile, I'd be a boomslang, and disappointed that I wasn't chocolatey.
If I were a natural disaster, I'd be a monsoon.
If I were a plant, I'd be a lilac bush.
If I were a planet, I'd be Neptune.
If I were a tree, I'd be a white birch.
If I were an album, I'd be Our Lady Peace, Happiness is Not a Fish
If I were a fabric, I'd be fleece.
If I were a work of art, I'd be a Renoir.
If I were a book, I'd be a fantasy.
If I were an element of human emotion, I'd be hope.
If I were a constellation, I'd be Leo.
If I were a season, I'd be Winter
If I were a flavor, I'd be Chai with milk and honey.
If I were a geographical feature, I'd be a still pond.
If I were a shoe, I'd be a fuzzy slipper.
If I were an M&M, I'd be dark and blue.
If I were a queen, I would have both national tea time and nap time.
If I were a song, I would be an unfinished symphony.
If I were a light source, I would be a scented candle.
If I were a stone, I would be aventurine.
If I were a kind of panty hose, I would be silk stockings.
If I were a movie, I'd be a box office flop, but eventually I'd have a cult following.
If I were a spice, I'd be cardamom.
If I were a cosmetic item, I would be lip balm
If I were a hot drink, I would be homemade cocoa.
If I were a sound I would be discordant.
If I were a famous person in history, I would be Anne Bonny.
If I were a sport, I would be poker.
If I were an actor, I'd be Angelina Jolie.
If I were a musical, I would be the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
If I were a number, I would be 1.
If I were an invention of humankind, I would be air conditioning.
If I were a sexual item, I would be a silk cord. A long one.
If I were an instrument, I'd be a cello.
If i were an element I would be be fire.
I've been directed to some great sites, but I can't seem to figure out how to do that first stitch. Also, what's with purling? Do I need to learn how to do that right away? Not that I know what either of them actually are... I'm really, really frustrated with myself right now and wishing I had somebody to show me what all I'm doing wrong.
So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.
I am thankful that I'm related to my father for one reason: His mother.
I love my grandmother. She passed away in October of 1998 in Vancouver, Washington while I was in Provo, Utah. I didn't cry when I got the news. I wish I could've spent a little more time with her, and it wasn't expected, but I was surprisingly at peace with it.
She was a sweet, willowy, classy lady. Her hair was always done. She loved cheerful colors, her grandchildren, and petunias. She was tiny and smelled like powder and cigarettes, and she always wore lipstick. I think I would look a lot like she did when she was young if I lost, like, more than half of my total body weight. She really was an amazing lady, and I really, really miss her.
I wish she could've been at my wedding. She would like my husband. He would adore her. Everyone did.
She never lost her wits, mobility, or sense of humor. I am glad I didn't have to go through watching her health decline, like so many other people have done and seem to be in the process of doing right now. A lot of people are talking about their grandparents on the forums right now, and that's what made me think of her.
She was one of a kind. I'm certainly not eager for death or anything, but I sure can't wait to see her again.
The pans that my mother was borrowing to bake the cakes? Yeah, not available after all. And I've officially been overruled. We're buying sheet cakes from Costco on friday. I can't go to the bakery to find out how much their cakes would be (and I can't find the number anywhere, because I don't know the name, I just know it's on the parkway.) because I'm under house arrest for a day of rest. And cleaning. I'm in major meltdown mode- but I appreciate all the offers of help and ranting in unison and encouragement to become ze bridezilla within. I think I need that right now. And the boy wants to watch House now. So very not in the mood.
I'm going to do the precalc sequence and then statistics. I hate not having calculus done, but I don't see the point in only partially doing it. Plus, it'll allow me to take other classes I want next winter and spring.
I saw my meds nurse friday and she told me to journal as often as possible. So I'm going to try for everyday.
I first got online in early '99. I was in a bit of a meltdown and thought it would be a great place to find support in a relatively non-threatening sort of way, except I was intimidated by the internet anyway. Horror stories, you know. Regardless, I found a mental health support site and became a part of the community there. They had bulletin boards and a chat room- it took me a month to get the nerve to go into chat, and then I was hooked. I still preferred the forums, though. It gave me time to think my responses through, and I wasn't quick on the keyboard.
Being young for my age and naive as could be, my angst fed on the forum dramas that seemed to always exist. I only got involved if it involved somebody I cared about, but I loved everyone. (I had issues with telling folks I loved them. Apparently, without tone and context, it can look an awful lot like I'm trying to steal somebody's husband. I just had a lot of love at that point and didn't have any qualms about expressing it. That came later.) So my emotions ran high and I made a close-knit circle of friends and felt like less of a freak-- y'know, in retrospect, a mental health forum is not the best place to make friends. You tend to feed off the negative energy rather than find ways out. Anyway. I sort of quit going after having a particularly rough drama occur; I just couldn't deal anymore. They moved the site shortly thereafter, and I joined and lurked occasionally, but never really got back into posting. I didn't even keep in touch with the people who meant the most to me, which makes me sad.
Tonight I wanted to find the last name of a particular member, and I recalled that she had a website linked in her signature, so I went to the site, and it wasn't there. It's been moved again... It's like it has erased more traces of my past. That's one thing I dislike about the internet. Without physical evidence, it's almost like something never happened.
It's a road I don't need to go down again, but every now and again, I feel drawn to it.
I am frustrated with knitting. I tried to knit a scarf with two threads of different coloured yarn and it just looked messy. I had to pull everything out, because I'd pulled two other scarf-beginnings out to start that one, and then that one didn't work out, and then... yeah. Frustrated. Muchly. Also tired, I think.
I'm upset with my husband and I'm upset with myself. My bank account is in the negative, and my husband just spent $60 that could have easily been avoided. He was too proud to do anything about it, and I wasn't bold enough. I feel. . . sucky.
