I need to go see a movie this weekend. I just don't have time. My future in laws will be here next week- I'm really excited to see them. They're fantastic. We're going to have to clean a LOT before they get here, though. A LOT. I also need to see about getting my nails done, figure out what is going to be done with my hair, and figure out if we're going to have 100 guests or 10. So, the wedding will be here in a week- yay! bounce, bounce, bounce- it's finally heeeeeere!
Next up? The divorce. Not mine- my parents. Yeah, apparently my mother isn't going to do it after all. It's this whole big thing. BUT. She might be moving into our very small place. Our very small place with two cats and a housemate already... and she may bring her cat, too... I don't know. I don't have the energy to deal. My brain is fried. And I'm so freaked out about my dress... I'm really hoping it's here on monday.
Is Chinese musk the same as white musk? I've seen it used several times and wasn't sure. So these are white musks, golden musks, and musks of indeterminate color.
Dragon's Musk (with 5, one is bound to be white!)
Aeval (I didn't like this one the first time, but white musk warrants a re-try)
Black Pearl
Fae
Lampades (sensual musk could be white)
Lurid
Ode on Melancholy
Zephyr
Death on a Pale Horse
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
The Great Sword of War (Yeah, it's red musk, but it sounds so perfect.)
Bluebeard (I'm pretty sure I tried and disliked this one)
Imp (not white musk, but golden musk sounds so lovely!)
Kitsune-tsuki
Kuang Shi
Villain (citrus musk)
Grandmother of Ghosts
Pietho (warm musk probably isn't white, but it sounds pretty)
Queen Mab (Chinese musk)
Thanatopsis (pine, juniper and musk... yeah, those first two scare me. This is way low on my list.)
Cordelia (Chinese musk- this has all my favourite things in it.)
Juliet
Oberon (orchid too!)
Endymion (tried once already)
Psyche
Vicomte de Valmont
Berenice (if I can find some!)
Usher (as above)
Mantis (golden again, but sounds lovely)
Fallen (golden musk)
Aglaea (musk type isn't specified [except 'bright'], but sounds like it could be white)
Euterpe
Urania
Zorya
Bengal (skin musk)
I think that's all, for now!
I got my award letter today. I'm getting about $400 less each quarter than I was last year. That kinda blows.
On the upside, it does cover tuition and books, so hooray school! Boo fafsa cuts.
I don't know what the notes in Montressor are, but I'm concerned that it shares something with MB: Closet, which is all cat urine, all the time, on my skin. I got a whiff of that note and I'm hoping I was mistaken.
I'm having this obsessive moment, where I feel so wound up about getting all the LE's that I want (all of them.) and worrying about my favourite catalog scents being discontinued. But, seriously? How incredible does Gennivre sound? And I'm still having fits over House of Mirrors.
I'm so sick of my acryllic nails, it's not even funny.
I made a kickass dinner tonight. Mashed potatoes and chicken and peas, but the chicken was lacking, somehow. It just didn't have any oomph to it. And I used wine in the marinade, too!
I just started playing the sims a couple of weeks ago and, dude, I've been missing out. Those little bastards are addictive!
It is awesome that the lab is updating like crazy. It means there will be ever so many scents in which to delight, and loads of fun swaps to arrange and hunt for and experience. It is not a bad thing that I can't buy anymore BPAL for several months (er, that might get tossed out.), it just makes life more interesting. I will pay off all debts and focus on school.
The notes don't immediately appeal (pear, blue lotus and crystal musk do strike my fancy, I must admit), so I can certainly afford to miss this one single (er, double) lunacy.
It struck me right through the heart when somebody compared it to the legend of Miskatonic U, though.
Regardless. I do not need any new scents. It'll be more fun when I can more easily afford them anyway. Plus, it'll be neat to read the reviews and stalk the forums for decants.
I have some sort of a skin infection that's not going to kill me, but it is grossing me out. Plus, I have to take 4 pills a day to help clear it up. Because it's communicable, I'm going to have to bathe in bleach. Or just go swimming a lot, which is preferrable. On top of that, the air conditioner in my room froze over, so we've had it off to let it thaw out and it's freaking hot in here. It explains why the ac hasn't been putting out as much cool air as it probably should be.
And, uh, now it appears to be broken. Crap.
I think I need to crawl into the land of the sims now.
I hate when people die. And I feel guilty if I haven't spoken to them in a while.
I've been thinking about my friend, Charlie. He died about two years ago. He's been on my mind all week. I cried so hard when I found out.
"I could never commit suicide," he once told me, when I was feeling particularly suicidal. "It goes against my religion. I don't want to go to hell."
I don't believe he's in hell.
I miss him a lot.
Love you, Charlie.
Love to you, Cove and Judy.
I think I got swap-lifted. I reported it, but I feel utterly deflated. That was my carefully negotiated (with the FormerFiance-PresentlyHusband) order of decants (Beltane (!), Enraged Bunny Musk (luckily I ordered one from crescentwench), and Monster Bait: Underpants (Not to sound greedy, but this one makes me particularly sad. I've got two decants, but I had a use in mind for all three of them, and I'm going to have to eliminate one, for the time being. Maybe two.)) and a bottle of Dragon Moon.
I don't want to think that someone took off with them. I'd prefer to think of them as outstanding swaps (as in, 'outstanding warrants'), until I know for sure. It's easy to get overwhelmed, which leads to embarrassed, which leads to running away. That doesn't make a person bad. Life can get hectic, and I'm the first one to admit that I've fallen behind in swaps before.
There's my pep-talk for the day.
I went and got my driver's license info updated yesterday. I realized that my signature looks awkward, even for being left handed and not so good with the neat handwriting in the first place. I need some serious practice.
It feels like a fake ID. (Especially since it's that paper stand-in you get before they send you the fancy plastic) Somebody called me Grace! I updated my social security card, too. Now I need to do billing records and bank account and library card and credit cards and school records... this is a really huge undertaking.
It will be my two year anniversary for having my driver's license on my birthday.
Tomorrow is my one-month wedding anniversary!
Awesome.
For some reason, it never occurred to me that there'd be a lack of interest in my contest/sale. I mean, I didn't expect everyone to be scrambling to join in, but I think it's both fun and reasonably priced, particularly considering that there's a one in six chance that the winner'll be an imp of Underpants. With less guesses, I'll need to adjust it somehow, and it'll be more likely.
I'm just rambling to whine, folks. But please don't take this as me sulking (which, to me, implies anger, whereas 'whine' does not.) . I'm tired and PMS'ing. I think I may finally be able to sleep.
I have about $50 in my paypal account. I really want to do whatever the BPTP event is going to be. I totally support the price increase and all that, but... I think I'm going to spend it on GC scents.
I don't have anything for my husband's birthday. I don't have any ideas about what to get him. I... may actually not use it on BPAL at all. If I spend a ton of money on myself and don't have anything for him, that's just... wrong, to me. Wrong.
I think I've figured it out. I sold the two bottles I had up for swap. If I can choose between Dorian and Alice, I'll make a big (for me!) order now and then snag one or maybe even two CD scents. Possibly a set of decants. Possibly a few decants eventually. If there are 13 scents, that's $65. Cripes. I don't know why that surprised me so much, heh. (I'm guessing about the 13 scents.) So I'll grab decants of whichever ones interest me most and then... gah. What about the BPTP update? The one it was insinuated/suggested would be a lot like the inquisition... That's what is keeping me back now.
Ugh. I'm just driving myself nuts.
An observation about shipping prices: It usually more than pays for itself in frimpage. That's kind of cool.
I am actually in a full-blown panic over never finding a bottle of House of Mirrors. Beaver Moon to a lesser degree. This is sort of scary. I think I need some rest. But it's really, really freaking me out. Seriously, though? House of Mirrors seems to have vanished from the swaps. (I know there are a couple there, but what if nobody ever wants to sell it again? )
And it's not like I have any real reason to be afraid I'll never get my hands on either of them ever again. It's irrational. That's how I know it's a panic attack.
I want to get a job to support my BPAL habit. . . and that's probably the worst reason for wanting to get a job.
I know I've mentioned anxiety in the past, but it's really, really bad. Paired with depression, it caused me to have several years that are mostly a blur of misery to me. I sort of crawled into myself and gave up. It's a whole big long sad story that I'm not up to rehashing at the moment, but it resulted in me applying and receiving disability from social security. I really just didn't have it in me to hold down a job. At that point, I was lucky to care enough to brush my teeth. I haven't worked in seven years. Getting a job would be spreading myself too thin, combined with school. I know most people can do both, but I'm just not that strong. It's frustrating, but I'm getting my feet under me.
I'm sorely tempted to look for a job right now. Sorely. And I know I'm not ready. But I'm tired of having to budget every penny and I'm tired of feeling guilty for buying perfume, and I'm generally grouchy right now.
I'm excited that I'm getting Katharina, though! (My husband's still unhappy about it, which makes me tense.)
I am tired, tired, tired. And I'm in need of brushing of teeth and snuggling with the boy.
'Night, chickies.
I wish we had filters here. I had a post all written out about something really personal- probably TMI. I just don't feel like sharing it with anybody who happens to stumble across this blog. I'm not even sure I feel comfortable divulging it to you guys. Ze regulars. But. . . I don't know. I don't want to deal with livejournal, but I'd love a friends only filter right now.
I am thankful that I'm related to my father for one reason: His mother.
I love my grandmother. She passed away in October of 1998 in Vancouver, Washington while I was in Provo, Utah. I didn't cry when I got the news. I wish I could've spent a little more time with her, and it wasn't expected, but I was surprisingly at peace with it.
She was a sweet, willowy, classy lady. Her hair was always done. She loved cheerful colors, her grandchildren, and petunias. She was tiny and smelled like powder and cigarettes, and she always wore lipstick. I think I would look a lot like she did when she was young if I lost, like, more than half of my total body weight. She really was an amazing lady, and I really, really miss her.
I wish she could've been at my wedding. She would like my husband. He would adore her. Everyone did.
She never lost her wits, mobility, or sense of humor. I am glad I didn't have to go through watching her health decline, like so many other people have done and seem to be in the process of doing right now. A lot of people are talking about their grandparents on the forums right now, and that's what made me think of her.
She was one of a kind. I'm certainly not eager for death or anything, but I sure can't wait to see her again.
We had thunder and lightning last night and it's been all gray and drizzly outside today. Now it's raining- I love the rain. There's just something about it that is soothing and refreshing to me. I'm happy for it. It's going to be a good day.
It was a geography class of some sort. Everything about it was unfamiliar. Faces, carpet, desk, rules. . . Everything. It was painful. I wanted to cry all the time. It was so very hot during the day; unrelenting heat, and so early in the year. Everything was wrong. I dreamed about home everytime I closed my eyes.
A scrap of paper was delivered, and it was a small note; pre-typed and a single word scribbled out: home. I was going to be excused from the rest of my classes because I was going home. Home didn't mean the drab little tent in the RV park where we lived. I was certain to the core that home meant leaving this cruel desert and returning to my beloved desert.
As it turns out, I was right.
I wish I knew what happened to the little girl who lived next "door" to us. She was a sweet kid.
Over the course of one or two months, I lost about 40lbs. There was just no money for food. I had lunch at school. That is a diet I would fall back on several times in my life.
It didn't help.
I left that place, but it never left me.
I signed up for the design class. It's my first class of the day! And then I have math! And then a break! And only then do I have my favourite instructor! This feels scary. Not to mention that I don't actually have any financial aid at the moment. All my classes are way far away from each other, too! Okay, the math to psych doesn't matter much, since I have my break then, but dude! They are really far apart.
Winter I'll be taking math, english 201 and. . . Dunno. Maybe another art class, if this one works out.
Spring. . . Biology and speech for sure. Maybe archaeology, too. Maybe art.
I'm obsessing, and that's never a good thing.
My emoticon favourites don't show up here. That's sad!
Ooh! I got my checks in the mail today! And I've got my license and social security card (I think I already mentioned those) and my new debit card! So friggin' exciting!
With three of us living here, it doesn't take long for dishes to pile up. We've asked out houseguest to please do them. We remind him that we'd like him to do them every other day. Because if they get done every day, then they don't pile up, and it's a ten minute job. When they don't get done for, say, a week. . . there aren't any clean glasses or plates in the entire house, and it's a whole day's work, more or less.
I know what it's like to be depressed and just want to be on the internet at all times (And I really do), but it's offensive to clean around him and realize that he hasn't bathed in days, let alone thought about doing any dishes.
We talked to him. He cried and admitted to feeling... void. Life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing here.
Annnd... I've been there. It does suck. But we're getting frustrated, and we don't know how to help. Resentment is building up, and he has to feel it too, and that isn't helpful at all. We're plotting a trip to Spokane for the sole purpose of having some time alone, and we can't afford it, but we also can't afford not to do it.
It's just... I don't know. At least we have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning.
One of my favourite movies is about quantum physics. It's one of those mid-level films that a lot of people heard about and then promptly forgot. What the Bleep do we Know? There are little touches to the movie that I love-- glimpsing herself, the crazy mad scientist looking guy, and of course the water.
What we believe creates our own reality, says the movie.
It's also impacted by collective belief; we are not islands.
So, yeah. I totally believe that I'm filthy rich and unchanged by money and seriously, no monkey's paw clauses. That shit freaks me right out.
I'm honestly trying to change my view of myself, though. It has to start small, or it won't work with me. I have to really convince myself.
Not that I'm wealthy or that I can fly or anything; just that I can deal with life better and respond to the needs of people around me without losing who I am.
Anyway. Enough quantum physics.
We had therapy today. Things need to change, but the ways we can go about making those changes are limited. Suggesting hospitalization is all well and good, but we checked that option out months ago. Hopefully having the therapist as an advocate in the matter will open some doors, but there's a lot of red tape. We're having to retrace the steps we took months ago, and that's frustrating, because none of those steps helped at the time.
It's absurd to suggest that he start the process of moving out onto his own. He's barely existing with us prodding him to take a freaking shower. Put him into a situation where he's alone, and it's just going to end badly. Not to mention he doesn't even have a job, his credit is shot, and he's not particularly interested in finding a job. So unless we're talking about him moving out to live under the bridge, it's not viable.
So what is viable? If those two things are out, what next?
I wish I knew.
This doesn't really warrant its own entry, but it's my blog! So it's getting its own entry!
I love the word 'gobsmacked' and I'm not quite sure why. It's so much more evocative than shocked or astounded, even. It's like a perfect sound to represent the feeling.
Did I mention I've been a little dizzy?
