It's late, and I'm tired, so I know that's mostly why my emotions are all over the place.
I suck at this dieting thing, even though I love salad and fresh fruit and wheat bread... I'm just not doing well with it. I need to add exercise, but I'd have to clear out the front room to really do that, plus I don't have the energy to divert in that direction at this point.
I found some old floppy disks that had files and photographs on it from years ago, and there were several of the man I don't think I've ever fully recovered from. I love my husband, and I am completely his, but because there was something so raw about the relationship I had with this other guy, my heart still aches a little at the thought of everything that happened.
I wouldn't be with my husband if it hadn't happened like that, though.
Anyway, I've been feeling nostalgic for all these old things/experiences lately, and I realized that nothing ever stays the same. The saying "You can never go home again"? Really applies to me right now. Not physical homes, but online communities.
I miss Charlie.
Anyway. I'm going to go play mind-numbing games until I can sleep.
Stupid Verizon. I'll update about them later.
I have a math exam and a presentation in speech today, and I am freaked out. And really tired. Mostly freaked out.
I'm going to be so glad when today is over with. SO. GLAD.
Sooo... now that I'm all registered for the maths next quarter- precalculus, to be exact- I'm starting to feel anxious about passing the final.
I've done fine in the class and I've had reasonably few problems grasping the concepts, but if I choke on the final... well, I can't get higher than a 1.7, even if I had a 4.0 going into it.
I know I'll pass. I know I'll pass. I need to pass.
Oh, and just in case you're lurking, Indi- I dropped History of the Modern Middle East, not linguistics. I need my fun class, and while I'd prefer archaeology, linguistics works out pretty well anyway.
Now I'm obsessing over how to work my schedule from here on out. I have 4 more quarters (counting Spring) before I can start the radiology program, though I have to be accepted first. Classes I have to take: A&P 1 and 2, Statistics. Possibly one other thing. Classes I want to take: Precalc 1 and 2, Calculus 1-4, English 201, Intro to Genetics, Archaeology, Physical Anthropology. A lot of classes to fit into three quarters, since I'm already registered for spring.
Fall: A&P 1, Precalc 2, English 201 or Genetics
Winter: A&P 2, Calc 1, Statistics
Spring: Calc 2, English 201, archaeology
....yeah. I didn't really think that one through all the way. I just really want to learn this. Why didn't I tackle math sooner? And why is calculus a 4 course sequence?
I stared blankly at my math problems for quite some time today. Ugh. My brain just doesn't have focus right now. Hopefully I'll be thinking more clearly tomorrow so that I can regain my footing before the last test and then the final. I haven't even looked at psych.
It snowed here today. I like the snow, but I hope it doesn't get icy overnight, because I hate the way people here drive in the snow. They're okay if it's been around a while, but that first stint is just awful. And, okay, I'm nervous about driving my car on ice. Though I was still pretty clumsy with it last year and I'm still alive, so hopefully I'll be okay... yeah, I'm a spaz.
For those of you who don't obsessively read the swap area, the switch witch winter round is open until the 28th, so hurry. I have some really great ideas for this round and I'm staying optimistic this time, rather than panicking over being poor. I am going to get it together this round and be memorable.
I have a good feeling about this round.
I wish one of the questions was about colours a person dislikes.
My hair smells good. Actually, it smells a little like Freakshow.
I have a half-imp of Trick 2 that needs to be swapped because it is a deathmatch between the patchouli and the tobacco with my chemistry, and that's just not pretty. So if anybody here is interested, you know I love you best. I should've brought it to my mini-meet n'sniff with 'snarky, really. s'gone
She had this cute little case to carry all her stuff in, and then I had hurriedly wrapped mine up in plastic grocery bags... classy! Okay, but seriously, I need to find that bag. Not only will I store perfume in it, I will get one to bring my lunch in, because it's that cool.
Speaking of lunch, I need a thermos. Hrm.
Dude, I want rice krispie treats. SO. BADLY.
I have to do 3 more hours at the fitness lab and then I'm done, because I chickened out and dropped down to one credit. That puts me on financial aid probation next quarter, which worries me slightly.
Huh. I really like how Freak Show smells on me. How did I miss this one? Fig and cocoa are nice together.
So, I go back to school tomorrow. Woah! How did my break go by so quickly? Heh. I need a vacation from my vacation. It was good to get out of town, though.
Okay, I'm done. Eee, new ANTM tonight! And new Heroes tomorrow!!!! Very, very excited about those two things. Next Christmas, somebody is getting me Heroes on DVD. Somebody who is my husband, probably.
I'm really done now. G'night lovelies!
I went and got my driver's license info updated yesterday. I realized that my signature looks awkward, even for being left handed and not so good with the neat handwriting in the first place. I need some serious practice.
It feels like a fake ID. (Especially since it's that paper stand-in you get before they send you the fancy plastic) Somebody called me Grace! I updated my social security card, too. Now I need to do billing records and bank account and library card and credit cards and school records... this is a really huge undertaking.
It will be my two year anniversary for having my driver's license on my birthday.
Tomorrow is my one-month wedding anniversary!
Awesome.
So, I'm about 5 pages in to Kushiel's Chosen, but I am tempted to re-read Kushiel's Dart, just because there was SO MUCH to follow that, even with the chart at the beginning, it was difficult to keep track of everyone. I'm going to spoiler tag the rest of this entry, because I hate having plots ruined, and I plan on divulging some plot points. Pretty major ones, in fact. However, before I do that, I want to say that I was enchanted by this world and it should not be categorized with romance novels. It is so much more!
On the subject of Kushiel's Chosen,
Ugh. It's been a long day, and I don't really know what else to say about this... I had a ton of stuff in my head about it after I finished, but I don't have the energy now.
Not as in "making knots", but as in "not knitting".
Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, but it sure as hell doesn't resemble what she's doing on the knittinghelp site. Also, I've watched her continental casting clip ten thousand times, and I can still only get it started once in twenty-five times. Is there any reason I can't start with a slip knot and a single cast, and then do the rest with her double-casting style thingy?
Also? None of my knitting looks like any of the things she's demonstrated at all. Mine is all wavy and you can sort of see a braided effect if you pull it out really tightly, but then it springs right back into the wavy seam thing. WTF? I'm doing something, and it is making rows and whatnot, but it's nothing like anything I've seen today. Or ever.
I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number.
I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?
If I could buy bottles and bottles of Kindly Moon, I would. (I'd really love the bottle, but I don't know that the notes will agree with my chemistry.) I'd buy them, and then I'd give them to all of you. You've all been so very kind to me, and I have been so desperately needy, and it has helped me more than you can know.
Looking over the notes, I may have to wrangle a decant or two, because it does sound extremely lovely- if a tad floral. I bet it's really light and gorgeous, though. I'll probably see about swapping for a decant eventually, just to be sure.
I really want to get a bottle of Arkham and the series' teeshirt. Arkham just strikes me as exquisitely perfect for late summer/early autumn. The shirt is just kickass.
I was supposed to see my meds nurse tomorrow (wednesday), but got pushed back to friday. This is very sad. I really have a lot to discuss with her.
Okay, back to BPAL. I think I may swap for a few GC scents. I have a couple of bottles that I don't love.
So, a bit of a digression: My housemate came back and was talking to my husband and I about how horrible the premiere of House was. My husband likened it to someone taking something lovely and perfect from the Louvre, finger-painting over the top of it, and then tossing it into the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. My housemate tossed in that it was more like they f@cked it with a large, purple dick. So I was all, "So, that reminds me..." and they both start cracking up like nothing else, and it took me a few seconds to connect what I'd just said with the context of the conversation... But, yeah. I think it was Sarada who was commenting on the whole ebay "Not from BPAL" issue and said something to the effect of: "The next time I put something up for auction on ebay, I'm going to title it "Not a giant green metal dildo" so that people who are looking for one have to look at my shit, too." I need to find that and put it in my signature quote.
That has to do with BPAL, albeit indirectly.
I can now knit, purl and stitch a mean stockinette! Woohoo! Patterns make no sense at all to me, though. I also have no idea how to handle increases or decreases or binding off or what to do with the tail end of the yarn that's just kinda dangling there. Is there something I'm supposed to be doing special with the end stitches to make them more tidy or something? I'm planning on knitting a scarf and a few other things, but I think I need to learn more first. Heh.
So, yeah. Doing better. You guys are really important to me, y'know? I missed you over the long weekend.
I don't like having rare scents. I thought I did, but it feels like there's too much responsibility involved, especially when they're scents I don't -love-. I'm over-anxious about swapping those scents, because I'd be really sad if they got stolen or lost in the mail. I'd be over the moon for a bottle of, say, Storyville, but that's because I can't imagine I'd ever want to get rid of it.
I held onto the Monster Bait scents for WAY too long, because none of them really worked for me, but I didn't want to regret getting rid of them. I swapped (or maybe sold?) Red Lantern and Smut way, way too quickly. I can't remember what I swapped them for- I think I may've gotten Lotus Moon out of Red Lantern, so that's a decent trade- I love Lotus Moon. Anyway, I digress.
Dude. I am having anxiety attacks non-stop. I think it's sugar and holiday stress and, oh yeah, my dad's first wife is dying. And my sister in law is being a complete bitch to my brother, which just blows my mind. It blows my mind that he is in a relationship where his wife can just act like that and, in her mind, it's completely acceptable to do that.
Yet, I really do love her and I think she loves my brother, and I know he loves her, so... it's frustrating. And I can't even think about what would happen to him if they did divorce, because she would fight DIRTY for custody of the kid, I think, and... yeah, my mind is just f'n racing right now. I don't want them to have a bad relationship. He deserves a really solid marriage. And then I feel guilty for judging from the outside, but I can't believe she would call him up like that to just... screech and call him every name in the book because her anxiety is bad. I get it. I thankfully don't know what it's like to be in her head, but I know a bit about anxiety, and she really needs help. She needs to take her f'n medication, she needs therapy for coping skills, and she needs to be accountable for how she behaves despite her condition. Those are hard things, but you learn to do them for the things in life that really matter... like your family.
I don't know all the ins and outs of married life. I'm newly married and I've only lived with my husband for just under a year. So I know I'm not speaking from a point where I can say I really understand what it's like to be living with somebody in a long term relationship for 6+ years, but it still seems like appalling behaviour.
The watchdog group still hasn't contacted me. Our line will be disconnected (rather than the service being interrupted- this means the number will be gone, etc.) on the 18th, and I think that will screw with our DSL connection. Can anyone tell me for sure if it will? I guess I could call Verizon to check on it. This is just giving me fits.
I'm applying for a student loan so that we can dig ourselves out of this hole we're in at least a little bit. My husband is applying for financial aid and plans to start school in the fall, which is very good news. It gives him a goal to focus on, rather than just idly sitting by waiting for more paperwork about his application for disability. He's still doing that, but school is a more immediate thing that is in his control.
My sister better really be moving back into town. I miss her, and it would be really great to get to know her kids. So, check it out! She's going to school for hair-styling, and we were talking recently, and I had commented that this summer I was going to chop all my hair off and give the length to Locks of Love, and I was thinking about dying it blue. My 40-year-old (and before people get offended, keep reading!) conservative, LDS sister was ALL FOR IT. She wants to do it. I love my sister. I would also love very much to look like her when I am 40. Actually, I would like very much to look like her 40-year-old self right now. I don't know that I've gushed about my sister enough here, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it simply must be said, and my thoughts are running a mile a minute right now. (I just emailed the watchdog group. I really hope they get back to me.) Anyway, the awesome part about my sister is that she's always been beautiful, but she's never been snobbish about it. And I'm not being generous because I care about my sister, she is everything I would love to be, only I'd keep my hair. She is tall and thin and her bone structure is gorgeous- but she is the kindest person ever. She's strong and smart and really thoughtful and... okay, I miss talking to my sister.
I am so very glad that I got to have siblings, thanks to my dad's first wife. I do love them, though we are quite different in age ranges. I think we'll all four be together at Christmas, if my sister in law isn't a complete bitch, or if my brother can get time off- which he should be able to.
Okay, I think I've gone on long enough. I am just all over the place right now.
Frazzled.
School starts on monday. What's it going to be like? What if I get lost? What if I wear the wrong shoes? What if I've got the wrong lunch box? What if I trip on the stairs? ... right. I've been here before, and I have badass shoes (except the ugly gold ones I wore at my wedding) and I don't have a lunch box, and if I trip on the stairs for the zillionth time, then I'll laugh for the zillionth time and accept help up from the cute boy who calls me ma'am. ...wait. That was mostly right. Except for the boy calling me ma'am. And, really, how often do I trip on the stairs?
So, yeah. Nerves are high.
In other news: My mom has not been to the ER, so no more bleeding as of yet. The doctor came over and changed her bandage and generally checked her leg out. He says it looks ouchy but okay. Well, I'm summarizing.
I haven't kept up with anybody else lately, and I'm really sorry for that. I'm on power-save mode right now, which sucks, especially if you're my friend Rob, who had a birthday several days ago and didn't get a phone call from me. But I remembered! My anxiety has just been so friggin' high lately that everytime I think about calling him now, I think "He'll think I forgot!" and then it all goes downhill from there.
Stupid anxiety. Stupid nightmares. Grr.
I need to get my school things together. Notebooks and whatnot. I think I'm going to end up carrying three bags; one for each class. I'm wondering if I'll need the psychology book. I know the instructor, and I haven't used any textbooks in his classes thus far, but none of them were psych. I guess I'll figure it out. I'm looking forward to next week being over with. I wish I could just ask the art instructor if he's going to be a psycho-lunatic, but that probably wouldn't go over well.
This doesn't really warrant its own entry, but it's my blog! So it's getting its own entry!
I love the word 'gobsmacked' and I'm not quite sure why. It's so much more evocative than shocked or astounded, even. It's like a perfect sound to represent the feeling.
Did I mention I've been a little dizzy?
I'm really somebody else now. Now I sort of feel like I'm not ready to BE Grace. I should be more together. But this is me, and I'm as together as I've ever been, and it's time. Take care, everyone.
-Grace
I can't believe I am so close to Convergence right now and I can't get there. That seems immeasurably unfair, and I just want to lay in bed and weep. It's within DRIVING distance, and we have $2 to our names.
There's never going to be a way to replicate this, either. Convergence will happen again, but the people attending this year are not all going to be at the next one, and I love Portland, and I just don't know how to handle this.
I think chocolate is in order.
I don't think my addiction to the internet is a bad thing. I think people who are derisive of the internet are slugs. It can be a catalyst of bad things, but it can also be a catalyst of good things, and ultimately I think it balances out. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I went through shaking, sweating, convulsing withdrawls over the past week I've been without the internet.
My wedding's in one week and six days. On monday, we HAVE to see about getting the license. I also changed my mind about my dress. I was going to wear a kimono, but it turned up all wrong and that's been distressing. So when my bridesmaid/flower girl tops showed up all gorgeous, I went looking through this site at the dresses. I'm having a custom tailored dress made for less than $50, and it should be here late next week. It's perfect. I'm getting the one in cyan, which looked more turquoise on my mother's computer, and now I'm starting to get worried. Not that worried. As long as I get married, I'll be happy. I'm less stressed than I ought to be. I think I'm more focused on surviving school this quarter. When it's over with, I'll go into full-on panic mode for the wedding.
There are about 10 people who aren't coming that I would love to magically transport here for the wedding. (And a couple of people who've passed on that I wish could attend as well.) I'd have 2 more bridesmaids were that the case. Ah, well. I know they'll be here in spirit.
My father did bring one blessing into my life- his mother. She was a dear, gentle woman and I miss her tremendously. Her death wasn't filled with grief for me, however. It was one of the easiest goodbyes I've ever said to someone I love, and I am not good with the farewell moments. It just felt like her time. I do regret not seeing her again before she died. I think she'd be glad to see me so happy, though. I need to remember to bring yellow roses to the wedding for her. She carried them at her wedding.
I am very glad both my brothers will be attending. I suspected one wouldn't be able to make it. Anyway... Off to do some homework. Or lounge around the forums s'more.
For some reason, it never occurred to me that there'd be a lack of interest in my contest/sale. I mean, I didn't expect everyone to be scrambling to join in, but I think it's both fun and reasonably priced, particularly considering that there's a one in six chance that the winner'll be an imp of Underpants. With less guesses, I'll need to adjust it somehow, and it'll be more likely.
I'm just rambling to whine, folks. But please don't take this as me sulking (which, to me, implies anger, whereas 'whine' does not.) . I'm tired and PMS'ing. I think I may finally be able to sleep.
My college has classes that begin as early as 6:50 am. The highway to get there is the main highway between the nearby cities. Wouldn't you think that it would be top priority to get cleared off? That and, you know, the streets that run by the college?
Excuse my mouth, but holy fuck.
Three lanes, and I'm in the middle one. There's a semi and an SUV up ahead and to my right, a car a ways ahead of me, and a truck to my left- and a car behind me. All the sudden, the SUV hits an icy patch and starts veering for the side of the road... but she doesn't. She panicks and starts trying to straighten out the car- in the process, crossing all three lanes and circling more than 350 degrees... and lands smack in the middle of my lane, so that I'm heading for the side of her car, and I'm slowing down and praying that she will figure something out and get moved, and it hits me that she's so freaked out that she's not going to be able to do anything, so I have to do something or hit her car, so at about 30 mph (which I've managed to slow down to, on our 70mph highway), I slip into the right lane at literally the last second, and was shaking and trying not to sob the rest of the way to school... but I didn't wreck my car, and I didn't kill her, or anyone else, but it was SO scary. I don't want to go in tomorrow unless it's all melted away. ALL of it. Dude, that is so scary. I almost threw up. I was so freaked out the entire time I was driving home, too.
Yeah, poor me. Hah. I am actually okay. My husband and I were grumpy at one another tonight and so I was in a bad mood- it's strange, because we rarely have arguments; we're pretty good at straight-up communication, I think, but every now and then we just sort of misfire and get on one another's nerves, and that's what happened tonight. BUT I'm trying to let it go.
I made six loaves of bread today, and studied in between. SIX, people! I gave one to my parents. Does anybody know how many cups are in a gallon, approximately? I need to figure out how many loaves of bread I get out of a gallon of milk.
So, when I was brand new, a few people sent me free imps just to get me hooked. Every now and then, when the spirit moves me and I have extras, I offer to send some out. I did that recently with someone I'd been corresponding with and feeling pretty friendly with. So I sent them to her, and it's like she fell off the face of the planet. She quit coming to the forums a few weeks after it should have arrived, and I sent her a couple of messages telling her it was on the way, and then asking if it had gotten there safely, and I heard nothing from her. This bugs me. It's not like I wanted her to shout it from the rooftops or anything; I know plenty of other people do this, but just some acknowledgement via PM or SOMETHING would have been nice. Arg.
My brain is all over the place. And I can't remember where in the brain Wernicke's area is.
Finals are scary!!!
My mood swings are seriously impressive. My anxiety is even worse. I missed school because of my anxiety today, and this is significant not because it's never happened before, but because I hadn't given up, and I wanted so badly to go, and I just couldn't. handle. it. I couldn't. There wasn't a single thing that was going to drag me out of this house. I couldn't write my paper that was due today, and I didn't get to do all the things that needed to be done TODAY. Not tomorrow. Right now. Hours ago. There were things that I needed to have done, and people, I just could not do them. I cannot convey the amount of frustration and despair I feel over this.
I really want to be a better person. I want to think that I am continuously improving, and that I am going to be strong enough to live like a normal person and get the education I want and make connections and be there for the people who need me, but I feel like I am stuck.
My mom has been sick for a long time now, and they've been trying to figure out what is wrong with her- loads of tests, and they've thought repeatedly that she has internal bleeding, but haven't found anything. So finally, instead of sending her back to the GI specialist, she went and saw a hematologist, who ordered her into the hospital to be watched, because her iron and her red (?) blood cell count was so low, and they did an iron infusion and finally sent her home, and now we wait to see if she starts producing the blood cells she needs, or if not, what else needs to be done.
So I'm a wreck, and she's taking care of me already- she went out and got my medicine for me today- and she has no business really being out and about, but that's just how it goes, and I wonder if I'll ever quit being a burden to her and be able to start taking care of her. In fact, I feel that way about most everyone in my life right now.
I shouldn't be feeling like this. And all I can do is stare at my switchee box that has yet to go out and feel hopeless about THAT, too. Is that not insane? Seriously, it's not like it is out of my control to drive to the post office and have it mailed out. But right about now, I'd like to sit in my very own padded cell and rock in the corner... and that sounds ridiculous and overdramatic in my head, so I can't imagine how it sounds out here, but I feel so freaking out of control, and then I'll come back here in a couple of hours and be appalled because of how overdramatic this is, but it is really how I feel right now, even if I don't feel this way later, and.... yeah. My head is really, really unhappy right now.
There are worse things to be. But I am. (Think the Cowardly Lion from Oz... only more dignified. Sometimes)
Y'know, for all that I've expressed a desire to pursue my interest in art, I'm really dragging my feet with the follow-through. I realized that I don't want to take Japanese this year, which leaves me another class, which I usually love. This time, not so much. Here's the thing. There's a design class open in my time slot. It's perfect. It's the one to take before you take, like, drawing and painting and whatnot.
I had such a horrible time with art the first time around that I sort of feel defensive about taking a class. That's an understatement. I'm afraid that someone else will tell me I'm no good. I've never been good with art.
I learned a lot from Bloody Mary. She was engaging with the topics, and I adored the people in the class. (I think it reminded me a little of high school, only now I'm not afraid. Well, I'm still afraid, but in comparison... yeah. You don't even know. But anyway, the class was fun.) When it came to her projects, though... She was a right bitch. Her syllabus stated that if we thought a grade was unfair, to go talk to her about it and see what could be done, but that was apparently code for "I don't have time for you, you talentless, tasteless, obnoxious creature."
She'd publically ridicule ideas from people. People like me, obviously. She has no way of knowing that speaking out in class at all; going up to her about things... they're huge deals for me. My social anxiety kept me housebound for months at a time. Starting college was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I don't expect her to be a mind-reader, but to say, "I suppose we can bump it up a little if you're going to slit your wrists over it..." complete with the eye-roll, I found inappropriate. "I can't grade on effort," she told me. "I have to grade based on end product. Do you think yours looks anything like the ones on display?" And, honey, if you don't grade on effort, I'm not going to give you any, because I'm not an artist. No, mine didn't look like the ones the art majors did. This is not a high level art class. It's intro to art. If she'd said flat out at the very start that she was looking for quality art, I would've dropped the class, because I've never had art instruction. But she said the opposite; "You don't need to be an artist to ace this class; we don't judge based on talent..." Royal we. Blech.
She also expected us to complete the projects without guidance regarding technique, might I add- We watched a video on Maria the amazing pot-maker (There is no sarcasm in this- this woman really is amazing, and world famous.), and that was ALL we got about pottery before we had to make our own. That was our last project, and anytime she'd walk by, I'd crumple my attempt up and start over, because she was laughing at people. Not in a kind way, either. She guised her jabs in humor a lot of the time, but we were all bloody by the end of that class. Hence "Bloody Mary."
So what did I learn from Bloody Mary? I learned to get angry. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to hold my own and not back down. These may seem like silly little things, but they're important.
I wish she hadn't been so mean. I learned a lot about artists from her. If it hadn't been for the projects, I think I really would've liked her class a lot more. How's that for irony? Decent teacher (assuming she's not making fun of students), rotten art teacher. I'm still glad I took the class, despite how much I complain about it to this day.
But this makes me afraid to take more. I'm not good. Sometimes I see things and I copy them. But I don't know the first thing about actual technique.
I should take the design class. I probably won't. I'm a scaredy cat.
Tiiiiired. Some of you may know why. I'll explain more later.
Anyway. So, I stumbled to my computer this am, and was like, "OMG, somebody hacked my account and added this garish skin and how do I get my f@#%$ing Alice back and I will DIE IF I DO NOT REMEMBER HOW TO CHANGE THE BLOODY SKIN!!" Uh. Right. So, happy April Fool's Day- I've definitely been fooled.
School starts tomorrow, and as of today, I'm keeping precalculus. You all know how that can change in an instant, though! I've got linguistics, then a break for an hour, then cell biology and then precalc. I'm actually quite looking forward to it, to be honest. (Too tired to panic. Y'all know I must be all kinds of tired. Hee.)
Yeah, but I also feel kind of awful. I mean, here's the thing: My husband says we can put off getting rid of one of the cats until he gets his disability, which will probably not be until January or so. We're going to take his cat to get checked out at a vet's office to figure out what's wrong with her- even on sensitive stomach cat food, she vomits pretty much every day, poor thing. I also think there's something wrong with her eyesight. If there's something seriously wrong with her and it's outside of our budget, we'll have to look at options there. So I'm still going to have to get rid of one of our cats, just now one might be getting put down... not exactly sunshine and roses. But it is a respite. And maybe they'll sort it out over this winter. The biggest problem is that there's no alpha cat. My cat is more willing to fight, but she's a scaredy cat, and she knows when she's outmatched. His cat can kick my cat's ass, but won't fight for anything. So the dynamic between them is... well, not dynamic.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. At this point, I'm a hair's breadth from invesigating bunnies. (Not as pets. It's a Buffy quote.)
We tried getting them both hopped up on catnip this weekend to see if they'd be more willing to duke it out, but no such luck.
I'm contemplating bringing a third cat into the mix to shake things up. (My parents' cat, on loan. However, they have a male cat, so I'm not sure what impact, if any, he would have. He'd probably just avoid all the conflict and laze around in the sun.)
I've been putting off writing about this, but it is another thing that is weighing on me and I need to just write it out.
My dad's first wife has advanced cancer- Colon cancer, I believe, though I may be wrong. She might not last the year. I keep hoping that she won't die on Thanksgiving. Or in November at all. Deaths seem to be piling up around November. And... this is awful... but I keep thinking that it's like having a messenger preparing for a trip to see a bunch of people I love and can't communicate with anymore... could you just find Christy and tell her... and Robbie... and Paul... and... most of all, my grandmother. After you die, could you just please find these people for me? Run some errands out and about? Could you tell them that I am happy, finally?
It's awful. And I know it's hurting my brother and sister, and I hurt for them, but I keep obsessing over the fact that she could be seeing all these people I love before the year is out. All these people who hoped that I'd be happy. All these people who loved me.
I don't want her to die, but I'm trying hard to get to acceptance.
I hope she knows her kids love her. I'm going to tell her I love her. I'm not going to ask her to run dead messages around for me. A part of me just wishes I could.
I am so sick. Aaand... I'm about to go to school.
I swear, I have the plague. Ugh. And the crazy thing is that my doctor didn't even give me a decongestant- he gave me cough syrup with codeine, which I can't take during the day, because I'm going to be driving to school, and I'm already not feeling good enough to do that.
I know.
