I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number.
I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?
It is awesome that the lab is updating like crazy. It means there will be ever so many scents in which to delight, and loads of fun swaps to arrange and hunt for and experience. It is not a bad thing that I can't buy anymore BPAL for several months (er, that might get tossed out.), it just makes life more interesting. I will pay off all debts and focus on school.
The notes don't immediately appeal (pear, blue lotus and crystal musk do strike my fancy, I must admit), so I can certainly afford to miss this one single (er, double) lunacy.
It struck me right through the heart when somebody compared it to the legend of Miskatonic U, though.
Regardless. I do not need any new scents. It'll be more fun when I can more easily afford them anyway. Plus, it'll be neat to read the reviews and stalk the forums for decants.
I don't know why, but my anxiety is all wonky right now. Like, really badly. And there's sort of not a whole lot of reason for it to be especially high.
On the upside, I'm hoping that the BPAL birthday package my mom ordered me will be arriving within a week or two. (I'm trying to be generous with the time!) I think I will positively love Manhattan! I already know I love Katharina. I'm really excited to find out what my chaos theory smells like, and I think she got me a CD. Xanthe, maybe? Or Gennivre? I know it wasn't the Organ Grinder, because I had some amount of panic about that, and then found a decant of it available. The cool thing about a CD bottle in my hands is that if I love one of my decants more than it, I'll probably be able to swap for whichever bottle I love more.
Is it silly that I get so freakin' excited about frimpage, too? There's usually 2 per bottle, so I could end up with De Sade, Severin, the Jersey Devil, Ladon, Cockaigne, Phobos, Tintagel, and Euphrosyne! Yeah, I know, the middle three probably won't happen, but they might! Really, I'd prefer Les Bijoux over the Jersey Devil.
It's amazing to me that prattling on about BPAL allows me to forget about anxiety. Heh.
How long does it take an inept knitter to knit a scarf? Or 15 scarves?
I was going to post this in the title thread on the forum, but it's a little too involved to clog up the board with.
Okay. So, we've got a houseguest living here, because he fell apart. He's here on the condition that he gets help and works it out. We want to see him get healthy. So we go the route of trying to get him hospitalized. The hospital says that they can't even put him on the waiting list until he goes to see someone at the crisis response center and have an evaluation there, and then files for medical coupons with the department of social and health services-- and the waiting list is about two years. So we do all that, and try to get him outpatient treatment at the hospital, which they won't do until he gets evaluated by a specific ARNP in the area and gets a different medical coupon. At this point, they won't even evaluate him if he pays out of pocket. So we go to the specific ARNP, and I ranted about him before, because he told me to shut my mouth when I went to ask him to clarify his plan for my housemate's medication. Which still pisses me off, but also keeps me quiet (and that makes me even more mad, because I hate feeling cowed). He's a freak, and he isn't paying attention to what the housemate, S, is saying. He's condescending and just... rude. I don't like him. S missed an appointment with him, and when he went back, ARNP wouldn't let him in without a fee for missing the prior appointment, which S doesn't have. So ARNP told him to leave. The LDS church comes to our aid, and we go see a psychologist who is very nice and very patient, but eventually he insists that we go back to ARNP.
So we go to see the guy, and he's being a prima donna. Seriously harrassing S for never coming back (ARNP didn't offer to reschedule when he sent him away.), and treating him like shit, basically. This man is everything I hate about the mental health professional community. Let me count the ways:
1. He says that hospitalization is an option if S really can't do what he needs to do, so S explains what all we've done to try and get hospitalization. ARNP takes this story and goes, "They didn't tell you that you have the wrong medical coupon. They told you you're not sick enough for hospitalization." Uhh. He goes on to imply that S is faking his condition and that my husband and I will soon have no choice but to throw him out on the street.
2. He tries to put the fear of God into S about what hospitalization is like. Every horror story that ever went through my mind when I thought I'd have to be put away, he brought up. Gee, that's helpful.
3. He says that LDS-guy doesn't know what to do with him anymore, and that's why he sent him back. He says that everybody is frustrated because he's not helping himself, and that he won't put up with it. He tells S that he needs to pull himself together, and that eventually, he's going to look back on this and realize what a dick he is.
4. He reiterates that S is not sick and is using everyone. Then he brings up medication. He prattles on about how S won't notice any changes from any of these medicines, and that's fine- it's perfectly normal. He might notice a slight elevation in his moods at higher doses, but these won't really do anything for him at all. Great motivation to take the little bastards, then.
5. ARNP asks, "So, what do you want to do?" In my mind, I calmly reply, "I'd like to punch you in the face." S asks for clarification, and he snaps, "About the medication!" S is like, "Uh, take it?" So he talks some more about the medication, and I think some more about punching his face, and as he's sending us out, he's all, "It's a good thing I'm not your therapist, huh? You wouldn't like me very much. I'd just tell you to get off your ass." Nice. So then he makes another appointment, and is all, "If you don't make this appointment, then Godspeed. I wish you well. But find somebody else. You won't be coming back here." And I so desperately wanted to say, "There is nobody else, you fucktard! If there were, we wouldn't be here! We would never have come back, ever! But DSHS says that you're the only asshole in the area, so we're stuck with you. Isn't that nice?" But I didn't want to hand him that kind of power, so I just nodded and left. While shaking profusely.
Fucker. Thanks for helping not at all.
I got my award letter today. I'm getting about $400 less each quarter than I was last year. That kinda blows.
On the upside, it does cover tuition and books, so hooray school! Boo fafsa cuts.
I don't know what the notes in Montressor are, but I'm concerned that it shares something with MB: Closet, which is all cat urine, all the time, on my skin. I got a whiff of that note and I'm hoping I was mistaken.
I'm having this obsessive moment, where I feel so wound up about getting all the LE's that I want (all of them.) and worrying about my favourite catalog scents being discontinued. But, seriously? How incredible does Gennivre sound? And I'm still having fits over House of Mirrors.
I'm so sick of my acryllic nails, it's not even funny.
I made a kickass dinner tonight. Mashed potatoes and chicken and peas, but the chicken was lacking, somehow. It just didn't have any oomph to it. And I used wine in the marinade, too!
I just started playing the sims a couple of weeks ago and, dude, I've been missing out. Those little bastards are addictive!
I found my imp of Snake Oil yesterday and dabbed a bit on my hand. I remembered that I wasn't too fond of it, but couldn't remember why. I actually thought maybe it was just that my nose wasn't developed enough, or sensitive enough to the scents, but it just doesn't work on me. Why? Patchouli. It's all patchouli, all the time on my skin. And I don't mean that in a good way. It just doesn't work. I don't like it. I have a dear friend who loves patchouli, though, so I'm thinking I'll send it to her.
I found a whole tin of imps that I've been missing. Silk Road and Dragon's Millk are the ones I'm really excited to find. The rest I'm all kinda meh about.
Dude! I'm going to be in art! Just a little over a month to wait. Art, math and psych. Plus fitness! I just need to make sure I'm going to the fitness lab all quarter. I know I've said that for the past two quarters, but I mean it now. Really! I'm going to do it this time. Things will be different.
I'm learning to cook so that we don't have to eat out so often. I was annoyed at spending so much money on meats, and then realized that we spend the equivalent (and often more) on fast food that's so bad for us. So instead of doing my 'stop eating' thing that's 'worked' so well in the past (because he won't let me, mostly.), I'm working on healthy alternatives.
I bought onions today!
Did I brag about my boy's tomatos yet? He planted tomato plants, and they're finally red! They're small, but they taste amazing-- and I'm not a really big fan of tomatoes, generally speaking. Except lately.
I'm still musing over my star chart reading. I've decided to stick with art (as I mentioned previously) to try and develop that talent. I hope it turns out well. I know there are other venues of opportunity, but I've always thought it would be wonderful to be able to create art.
If art doesn't fit, I'll pursue writing-- which I think I also mentioned. I'm also going to throw myself into fitness this quarter. The reading said something about body movement being important, and that feels right. I'm wondering if that has to do with my growing interest in yoga. I hope it's offered next summer. 5 days a week! That would be marvellous. Exhausting, because it's still a 7am class, but fantastic.
I'm going to need to take some literature classes, and history. I love school. I'm so glad I get to go back!
I really need to make sure I have the focus to succeed this quarter.
This doesn't really warrant its own entry, but it's my blog! So it's getting its own entry!
I love the word 'gobsmacked' and I'm not quite sure why. It's so much more evocative than shocked or astounded, even. It's like a perfect sound to represent the feeling.
Did I mention I've been a little dizzy?
One of my favourite movies is about quantum physics. It's one of those mid-level films that a lot of people heard about and then promptly forgot. What the Bleep do we Know? There are little touches to the movie that I love-- glimpsing herself, the crazy mad scientist looking guy, and of course the water.
What we believe creates our own reality, says the movie.
It's also impacted by collective belief; we are not islands.
So, yeah. I totally believe that I'm filthy rich and unchanged by money and seriously, no monkey's paw clauses. That shit freaks me right out.
I'm honestly trying to change my view of myself, though. It has to start small, or it won't work with me. I have to really convince myself.
Not that I'm wealthy or that I can fly or anything; just that I can deal with life better and respond to the needs of people around me without losing who I am.
Anyway. Enough quantum physics.
We had therapy today. Things need to change, but the ways we can go about making those changes are limited. Suggesting hospitalization is all well and good, but we checked that option out months ago. Hopefully having the therapist as an advocate in the matter will open some doors, but there's a lot of red tape. We're having to retrace the steps we took months ago, and that's frustrating, because none of those steps helped at the time.
It's absurd to suggest that he start the process of moving out onto his own. He's barely existing with us prodding him to take a freaking shower. Put him into a situation where he's alone, and it's just going to end badly. Not to mention he doesn't even have a job, his credit is shot, and he's not particularly interested in finding a job. So unless we're talking about him moving out to live under the bridge, it's not viable.
So what is viable? If those two things are out, what next?
I wish I knew.
We talked to him. He cried and admitted to feeling... void. Life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing here.
Annnd... I've been there. It does suck. But we're getting frustrated, and we don't know how to help. Resentment is building up, and he has to feel it too, and that isn't helpful at all. We're plotting a trip to Spokane for the sole purpose of having some time alone, and we can't afford it, but we also can't afford not to do it.
It's just... I don't know. At least we have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning.
With three of us living here, it doesn't take long for dishes to pile up. We've asked out houseguest to please do them. We remind him that we'd like him to do them every other day. Because if they get done every day, then they don't pile up, and it's a ten minute job. When they don't get done for, say, a week. . . there aren't any clean glasses or plates in the entire house, and it's a whole day's work, more or less.
I know what it's like to be depressed and just want to be on the internet at all times (And I really do), but it's offensive to clean around him and realize that he hasn't bathed in days, let alone thought about doing any dishes.
It is imperative that you find a way to use whatever talents and gifts you have--the more you use them, the more ability you will develop. Do not neglect them (given your 5th house stellium I'm betting on creative something or another, maybe very public, dramatic work/play...but whatever it is, don't just think something like "well, if I can't be the best {fill in the blank} I shouldn't even do it.." Do it, whatever it is.
Jarvenpa read my chart based on my birthdate, location and time of birth. That's a brief snippet of what she said-- I'm still processing it all. The above seemed really personal and relevent right now, given my whole art obsession- could my talent lie there? It's possible.
I really think that was the nudge I needed to decide to stick with the art class and not watch for another class to open up in that time slot instead. However, I am not convinced that drawing will be my creative talent. I might need to start writing again soon. English 201 is on my list for winter quarter, and then in the spring or next fall I'll probably take creative writing. I. . . guess we'll see where life takes me this year.
I'm really rather excited.
Now all I have to do is wait for the financial aid to be awarded. . . I really, really hope it happens soon, so I don't have to drop all my classes and scrounge around at the last minute for open ones. That would be terribly sad.
I've got a lot to think about.
We had thunder and lightning last night and it's been all gray and drizzly outside today. Now it's raining- I love the rain. There's just something about it that is soothing and refreshing to me. I'm happy for it. It's going to be a good day.
I signed up for the design class. It's my first class of the day! And then I have math! And then a break! And only then do I have my favourite instructor! This feels scary. Not to mention that I don't actually have any financial aid at the moment. All my classes are way far away from each other, too! Okay, the math to psych doesn't matter much, since I have my break then, but dude! They are really far apart.
Winter I'll be taking math, english 201 and. . . Dunno. Maybe another art class, if this one works out.
Spring. . . Biology and speech for sure. Maybe archaeology, too. Maybe art.
I'm obsessing, and that's never a good thing.
My emoticon favourites don't show up here. That's sad!
Ooh! I got my checks in the mail today! And I've got my license and social security card (I think I already mentioned those) and my new debit card! So friggin' exciting!
It was a geography class of some sort. Everything about it was unfamiliar. Faces, carpet, desk, rules. . . Everything. It was painful. I wanted to cry all the time. It was so very hot during the day; unrelenting heat, and so early in the year. Everything was wrong. I dreamed about home everytime I closed my eyes.
A scrap of paper was delivered, and it was a small note; pre-typed and a single word scribbled out: home. I was going to be excused from the rest of my classes because I was going home. Home didn't mean the drab little tent in the RV park where we lived. I was certain to the core that home meant leaving this cruel desert and returning to my beloved desert.
As it turns out, I was right.
I wish I knew what happened to the little girl who lived next "door" to us. She was a sweet kid.
Over the course of one or two months, I lost about 40lbs. There was just no money for food. I had lunch at school. That is a diet I would fall back on several times in my life.
It didn't help.
I left that place, but it never left me.
I am thankful that I'm related to my father for one reason: His mother.
I love my grandmother. She passed away in October of 1998 in Vancouver, Washington while I was in Provo, Utah. I didn't cry when I got the news. I wish I could've spent a little more time with her, and it wasn't expected, but I was surprisingly at peace with it.
She was a sweet, willowy, classy lady. Her hair was always done. She loved cheerful colors, her grandchildren, and petunias. She was tiny and smelled like powder and cigarettes, and she always wore lipstick. I think I would look a lot like she did when she was young if I lost, like, more than half of my total body weight. She really was an amazing lady, and I really, really miss her.
I wish she could've been at my wedding. She would like my husband. He would adore her. Everyone did.
She never lost her wits, mobility, or sense of humor. I am glad I didn't have to go through watching her health decline, like so many other people have done and seem to be in the process of doing right now. A lot of people are talking about their grandparents on the forums right now, and that's what made me think of her.
She was one of a kind. I'm certainly not eager for death or anything, but I sure can't wait to see her again.
I wish we had filters here. I had a post all written out about something really personal- probably TMI. I just don't feel like sharing it with anybody who happens to stumble across this blog. I'm not even sure I feel comfortable divulging it to you guys. Ze regulars. But. . . I don't know. I don't want to deal with livejournal, but I'd love a friends only filter right now.
I want to get a job to support my BPAL habit. . . and that's probably the worst reason for wanting to get a job.
I know I've mentioned anxiety in the past, but it's really, really bad. Paired with depression, it caused me to have several years that are mostly a blur of misery to me. I sort of crawled into myself and gave up. It's a whole big long sad story that I'm not up to rehashing at the moment, but it resulted in me applying and receiving disability from social security. I really just didn't have it in me to hold down a job. At that point, I was lucky to care enough to brush my teeth. I haven't worked in seven years. Getting a job would be spreading myself too thin, combined with school. I know most people can do both, but I'm just not that strong. It's frustrating, but I'm getting my feet under me.
I'm sorely tempted to look for a job right now. Sorely. And I know I'm not ready. But I'm tired of having to budget every penny and I'm tired of feeling guilty for buying perfume, and I'm generally grouchy right now.
I'm excited that I'm getting Katharina, though! (My husband's still unhappy about it, which makes me tense.)
I am tired, tired, tired. And I'm in need of brushing of teeth and snuggling with the boy.
'Night, chickies.
I am actually in a full-blown panic over never finding a bottle of House of Mirrors. Beaver Moon to a lesser degree. This is sort of scary. I think I need some rest. But it's really, really freaking me out. Seriously, though? House of Mirrors seems to have vanished from the swaps. (I know there are a couple there, but what if nobody ever wants to sell it again? )
And it's not like I have any real reason to be afraid I'll never get my hands on either of them ever again. It's irrational. That's how I know it's a panic attack.
I think I've figured it out. I sold the two bottles I had up for swap. If I can choose between Dorian and Alice, I'll make a big (for me!) order now and then snag one or maybe even two CD scents. Possibly a set of decants. Possibly a few decants eventually. If there are 13 scents, that's $65. Cripes. I don't know why that surprised me so much, heh. (I'm guessing about the 13 scents.) So I'll grab decants of whichever ones interest me most and then... gah. What about the BPTP update? The one it was insinuated/suggested would be a lot like the inquisition... That's what is keeping me back now.
Ugh. I'm just driving myself nuts.
An observation about shipping prices: It usually more than pays for itself in frimpage. That's kind of cool.
