I'm not pregnant!
I almost wrote a post here last night that I thought I was pregnant, because I was having huge anxiety over it, but then I freaked out about how saying it might help it to be real or whatever. Anyway, I'm not. Hooray!
I hurt my neck today somehow. It is not comfortable. I think I'm going to try and sleep now, though. Just wanted to share the good news!
I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning
Has not been quite extinguished from my soul,
But let it cause you no more fret or mourning -
I do not wish to trouble you at all.
I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly,
At times in fear, at times in jealous hells...
I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly
As God let you be loved by someone else.
- Alexander Pushkin
How... exquisite... is this?
I got oddly sick today- yesterday, now. I was really weak and dizzy and there were other symptoms as well. My name change hearing is tomorrow, and I'm pretty freaked out over it.
"So, why 'Grace?'"
Lots of people have asked me that. Honestly, for real, I don't know. I mean, I think it's a lovely name; always have. But I'm sort of the least graceful person in the world, so it'll be something of an irony. It feels right to me, still. I'm happy with it. The word 'grace' can mean several things, and I like that, as well.
It's not a family name; it's my name.
My mother-in-law has made a point of calling me Grace, and scolding my husband when he doesn't. I heart her- I feel very lucky.
I'm not excited about going to court tomorrow. I don't know what to expect.
I waited too long to record the wedding details. I'm forgetting stuff, and that makes me so sad. It was magical. I'm so glad it's over. I never thought I'd be able to say something like that- if I treasured a memory, I obsessively wished I could re-live it. There were underlying reasons; there always are- but it's a sign I've grown some. I'm just happy to have the memory.
I'm feeling the weight of depression settling in on me this weekend, and I'm sort of afraid of falling back into that pit of awfulness. But! I got an awesome card from my switch witch, I'm preparing my switchee's package, and I've been trying Penance's tarts (and others) over the past couple of days. I love my tart burner. So! Goodness in my life:
-I'm very, very much in love with someone who is everything I want and need, all in one person, and I'm able to recognize how rare that is to find, and be awed.
-I'm NOT incapacitated by depression/anxiety. I'm in school, I'm doing things on my own- even things I don't particularly want to do, and I'm learning how to live life. I'm making mistakes, but who doesn't?
-There are these bunnies on my campus, which fill me with utter joy to see, and I tend to see them most every day. They are ADORABLE. I'm not in the midst of a huge metropolis or anything, but it's not exactly rural, either, so they're particularly exciting.
-I finally got a tart warmer thingy! And a ton of tea lights, because who knew they burnt out so quickly? But, yeah. So far I've tried a skindazzles Island Paradise one I got from Hawke last SW round (which was subtle and really, really pretty), Creme Brulee from 4 Fat Cats Wax Works (which I really like but the SO hates, sadly.), Peppercorn from 4FCWW which is amazing and lingers like you wouldn't believe, and I'm melting a Jack Frost from Yankee Candles that Hawke also sent me, and I haven't been out to sniff at the room yet, but I will. It smelled grand in the solid, though!
-I'm trying to teach myself to draw. I actually like some of the images I've sketched so far, which is... unusual. I would never describe myself as artistically talented by ANY stretch of the imagination. I started on the drawing kick as almost a joke, sort of inspired by my switchee (I'll explain once the round is over, in case she somehow stumbles across this), and found out that it was really soothing and I liked doing it overall. The SO has been really supportive.
-I'm changing my name! What's more is that I know what I want it to be, finally. I thought I knew, but when it came time to sign paperwork, it felt really awful. I've been trying to settle on something that's agreeable to both myself and the SO and sounds good with his last name, and I FINALLY found the right one. He brought it up, and it had been one I'd been too uncertain about to voice. I'm really excited about the namechange, anyway.
-Earlier this week, when I came home from school and got out of the car, I looked up at the sky and a thousand bits of cotton from cottonwood trees in the area were floating gently in the wind, and with the sun shining through them against the backdrop of a blue sky, they all looked like fairies, and it was breathtaking and I can't do it justice.
-I did really well on my last english essay. I'm getting more comfortable with the format of the class and with the people in the class. It's really more of a political science class, but as long as he is consistent with his course outline, I'll do well in the class.
-I got to hear the father of Fractals speak. (Which is all I'll say on the matter, because that's the most positive thing I can say about the experience, heh.)
-Despite the agony of giving up on Archaeology, I'm really enjoying the break between my classes. I've never done that before. I'm planning on doing it again in the fall.
-My wedding invitations are done! (They're not sent off yet, and they're not what I wanted them to be, but they're done.) This is cause for much rejoicing.
-I've found stuff for the bridesmaids, flower girls, and other people to wear, and my mother found a dress she loves. I'm excited.
-I've made it through half the quarter.
-I got a postcard from my switch witch today!
-Paris was eliminated from American Idol, and while it's sad for her, she's really the only one I felt deserved to go at this stage.
...Yeah, I'm done. Heh.
I got an awesome haircut from my sister. It's the shortest it's ever been in my entire life, and I really love it.
Math final tomorrow. SO. STRESSED.
Among other, more fun, less stressful things.
I don't think I've tried writing poetry in over a decade, and it's been way longer since I tried haiku. I have seen a lot of people expressing things through haiku on the forums and thought I'd try my hand at it. Eh, we'll see. It's 5/7/5, right?
Disability
Is such a pain in the ass
and in the wallet
The famous Snake Oil
simply does not work for me
such disappointment
O, Katharina
You, of the fruity white musk
always comforting
You lovely readers
subjected to my meager
attempt to create
Right... That was fun. I think I shall have to continue! Some other day.
My grades are available technically today. I hope I didn't completely blow psych. I am really excited about my new classes, but I shall be extra busy. More math! Plus loads of reading to do for my Lord of the Rings class. I'm most nervous about that one, to be honest.
Have you ever listened to the lyrics of "The Look" by Roxette? The boy and I just did, and they had us nearly hysterical. I don't know if it's a mis-translation or what, but it sounds exactly like they were all sitting around one day.... (fade to daydream sequence)
Band Member 1: We need to write a song! (It's in english because this is my daydream sequence)
Band Member 2: Good idea! What should we write about?
Band Member 1: (eating a sandwich) I'unno.
Band Member 3: Well, this IS the '80s. We should write about a chick.
Band Member 2: Nah, that's boring.
Band Member 1: (polishes off sandwich before speaking) Let's compromise! We'll write a song about a chick based off one of these crazy-funny mad-lib things! I just got one, and there is serious hilarity potential, I'm telling you! Plus, it's always good to spur inspiration!
Band Member 3: How is that a compromise? Are you stoned?
Band Member 2: Does it matter?
Band Member 3: ...not really. Let's get on it, then!
(end daydream sequence)
Also, I'm getting married on Joss Whedon's birthday, which is hysterical to me right now. I think I'm prone to hysteria due to finals looming large. But yeah. I had no idea until today, just now, when I read the deal about Serenity being released back into theaters for charity on his birthday. Heh. That's pretty wicked. The boy snickered and said resignedly, "Figures."
Gah. Must suppress urge to spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need.
My brother's mother-in-law is going to do all our flowers at no cost. That's pretty cool. Vicki. I need to remember her name is Vicki.
Cake at no cost, flowers at no cost, hairstyle at no cost, makeup at no cost, food handling at no cost (not actual catering, but people are helping to serve punch and keep trays stocked and cake set out and whatnot), piano for when I walk at no cost, decorations at little cost, location at no cost, officiant at no cost... And I know I'm forgetting stuff. I know I sound like an incredible cheapskate, but I just have a lot of great people in my life.
I did something right with psychology- I got a 3.8!! Math is, of course a 3.4 (curses! I was hoping to make it to a 3.5, but it just didn't happen.) and the fitness center grade was a 4.0. So my quarterly GPA is a 3.83 and my cumulative is 3.42. I'm just sort of thrilled over psych right now. Hopefully my classes for next quarter will have similar results.
In other news, I'm now a super member on the forums!
I had a good day today. It pisses me off how quickly I can lose that feeling. And my poor husband. He was like, "You can't... but... I miss you being happy." It doesn't make any sense when I write it out like this, but there it is.
I have homework for the lab that I haven't done. Gah. And!!!!! The stupid bookstore was STILL out of the lab manual when I went in today!!!!! S'okay, I bought myself some goggles. The ones for general use just squick me out. They don't clean them or anything. Ewwww.
When I am feeling better, I will tell you about the cell diagram project for my bio class and the interpretive dance.
I have a linguistics exam on tuesday, and I am excited about it. My instructor had never heard the word lagniappe. Did you know that even though the spelling is french, the origin is much more interesting? Originally it was yapa, coined by the Aztec tribe, the Quetchua. Then the people living there when it was still part of mexico adopted it, assigning it an article: la napa (only the n has a tilde on top, sorry for the lack of proper lettering), so it was pronounced lanyapa. The French people who settled that area then latched onto it and gave it a french spelling.
And don't get me started about the Basque.
I'm going to follow through with the radiology technician program, but when I have the money, I'm going to go back to school and get a degree in linguistics.
Stupid Lord of the Rings. Arrgh. I seriously want to email my 101 instructor and be like, "Do you believe this freak??? OMGSRSLY!" I don't really want to, but I wish I knew if he would be surprised that my papers are rating so poorly.
I was so tired today that for a brief moment, everything I looked at was this odd shade of orange.
I have a presentation to give in my speech class on thursday. How stressed about that am I? Very little. Less than I probably should be.
Guh.
I didn't even get to nap today. And I haven't been to the mailbox, and I have swaps that need to go out. Speaking of swaps, I haven't heard anything further from Duck Mountain, though I imagine she's got a few things to get in order. I guess I was expecting that to be sort of straightened out when she sent the message.
I have never wanted a BPAL tee shirt as much as Pink Moon... and my mom snagged it for me! That sucker is going to be so very worn out it's not even funny.
Is it summer yet? Why is there another quarter of classes before the break? I want summer break noooooow. I'm hoping next quarter changes that mindset for me, though.
What'm I going to take in the fall? That's a good question. It's something fun to obsess over! A&P 1 for sure. Other possibilities: English 201, Statistics, Pre-calc, Speech, some sort of literature class, physical anthropology... Dunno! Probably statistics and literature.
Ten days! I'm going to be married in just ten days! That's unbelievable. I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I don't have shoes. And our rings aren't here yet. And my dress probably won't be here for about a week. ...
Anyway, we got the marriage license today. Fun stuff. It makes it all so much more real. Guh, it's going to be such a hassle to change my name. I hope it all goes smoothly. Now I'm starting to get really nervous.
For SW help and general fun:
1. What is your favorite season, and why? I love them all, but I really love early winter/late fall, when most of the bugs are dormant because it's so cold, but it's not bitterly cold.
2. What is the most awe-inspiring or beautiful thing you've ever experienced? Being in love. Getting married. My sacred memories, too.
3. Which songs are guaranteed to make you cry? I Hope You Dance. 4am by Our Lady Peace used to do it to me, too, but for a very different reason.
4. Which ones are guaranteed to make you dance around like a giddy idiot? Breathless. Video Killed the Radio Stars. A few others.
5. Which book most changed your life or outlook? The Chronicles of Narnia
6. What was the most awkward time of your life? High school.
7. What do you adore the most in all the world? If you're really asking me what, it's my ever growing freedom from anxiety and depression ruling my life. If you're asking who... My husband, my mother, my cousin, my best friend, my cat, my sister, brothers, their children and my in laws.
8. What irritates you the most? People who drive really slowly when I'm in a hurry.
9. When were you happiest (besides now)? My wedding day.
10. What is the perfect meal for you? So long as it has a good dessert...
11. If you could dress in the clothes of any era, what would you wear? 1930's glam
12. What are your best dreams about? Life
13. What is your best "I was so drunk..." story? My husband's "Donnie's dead!" story- I've never been drunk.
14. What is the story of your first love? The story? Exhiliration, little birdies singing disney songs outside my window every morning, a ray of hope like nothing I'd ever experienced entering my heart, excitement like nothing else, feeling beautiful for the first time in my life, that sense of breathless desperation like, "This is IT. It HAS to be...", being incredibly naive and learning my lesson about trusting something that's too good to be true, becoming cynical and angsty and heartbroken and angry and self destructive only to eventually find my way to my husband, who would have formerly entered the category of "Too good to be true" but really, he's too damn good not to be true. There is no end to the story.
15. What is your favorite painting? It really depends on my mood. I ADORE Renoir- there's something about seeing the pieces in person that changes my whole perspective.
16. Who is your favorite Shakespearian character, and why? I don't know.
17. What is the best concert you've ever attended? I don't like crowds enough to go.
18. What is your favorite indulgence or vice? Indulgence: BPAL. Vice: Sweets.
19. What is your greatest regret (again, "no regrets" doesn't count!)? That I can't say I have no regrets. I would do things differently, given the chance, so it's a good thing I can't.
20. What is your favorite physical aspect of yourself? My hair.
21. What is one very interesting fact about you that hasn't yet been shared? I was in New Orleans just over a week before Katrina hit.
Hee. If you look at the list of scents I want to buy right now, check out how many of them are predominantly florals. MLST isn't, and Alice isn't quite, and there's also Bengal, which certainly isn't one... But by and large, those are floral scents! How did that happen? Also, look at how many of those feature rose! I came in to BPAL with a strong dislike of rose, but I have, as they say, seen the light. Hah. I also didn't like vanilla very much. Hopefully that was just my own scent discovery, and it won't change so drastically over this year.
It was a geography class of some sort. Everything about it was unfamiliar. Faces, carpet, desk, rules. . . Everything. It was painful. I wanted to cry all the time. It was so very hot during the day; unrelenting heat, and so early in the year. Everything was wrong. I dreamed about home everytime I closed my eyes.
A scrap of paper was delivered, and it was a small note; pre-typed and a single word scribbled out: home. I was going to be excused from the rest of my classes because I was going home. Home didn't mean the drab little tent in the RV park where we lived. I was certain to the core that home meant leaving this cruel desert and returning to my beloved desert.
As it turns out, I was right.
I wish I knew what happened to the little girl who lived next "door" to us. She was a sweet kid.
Over the course of one or two months, I lost about 40lbs. There was just no money for food. I had lunch at school. That is a diet I would fall back on several times in my life.
It didn't help.
I left that place, but it never left me.
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that there was no drama today, save me losing my schedule and finding it shortly thereafter. I'm kind of afraid. I sort of like all of my classes and feel comfortable- they're not necessarily going to be particularly "fun", but that's okay.
I tentatively like my instructors. I think I may keep this schedule. Yeah, that's all.
I need to go see a movie this weekend. I just don't have time. My future in laws will be here next week- I'm really excited to see them. They're fantastic. We're going to have to clean a LOT before they get here, though. A LOT. I also need to see about getting my nails done, figure out what is going to be done with my hair, and figure out if we're going to have 100 guests or 10. So, the wedding will be here in a week- yay! bounce, bounce, bounce- it's finally heeeeeere!
Next up? The divorce. Not mine- my parents. Yeah, apparently my mother isn't going to do it after all. It's this whole big thing. BUT. She might be moving into our very small place. Our very small place with two cats and a housemate already... and she may bring her cat, too... I don't know. I don't have the energy to deal. My brain is fried. And I'm so freaked out about my dress... I'm really hoping it's here on monday.
I wish we had filters here. I had a post all written out about something really personal- probably TMI. I just don't feel like sharing it with anybody who happens to stumble across this blog. I'm not even sure I feel comfortable divulging it to you guys. Ze regulars. But. . . I don't know. I don't want to deal with livejournal, but I'd love a friends only filter right now.
Did I mention my whole math saga yet? I mean, the latest part of it. Just for the record, I don't like doing badly. So sucking in math this quarter has been a huge strain on my anxiety. HUGE. (Learning that I might be able to draw, however, has been priceless.) And I've sucked to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull a D-, which is a .7. I was pissed at myself when I got a 3.1 out of intro to Anthropology. That's just for comparison, so the sting of this is crystal clear. Monday, my instructor showed us our grades going into the final. Mine was a .5- I could lose my financial aid if I don't get at least a .7. This sucks. SUCKS! So I go in on tuesday, absolutely flattened because there's just no way I can see I'll be able to score high enough on the final to pull a .7; no way. She comes over again and goes, "Oh, I was mistaken. THIS is actually what you have right now." And points to a 1.7. Uh, that's quite a change. It also puts me into range for pulling a 2.0, which is what I need to move past college level algebra. Most importantly, it is NOT a .5!! Holy shit.
So now I don't want to screw up my grade. I want to do well on the final, and I have no idea if I can do that or not. I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to be taking it over again, but... it'd be nice to do it because I want to, not because I have to. Y'know?
I think I just figured out a note I love! Finally! I mean, I know there are blends that work well on me, but I've never been able to really truly single out a note... and that note is white musk. I tested Katharina just now, and it was a little sharp going on, but then I noticed that it has white musk in it, and so does Whitechapel, so I figured that maybe it would dry down differently on me- and half an hour later, it smells fantastic. It's the same musk- I can actually pick it out. That is freaking awesome.
I need to lose weight. This is not an epiphany, obviously (the white musk thing was the epiphany). It's just... incredibly important to me. I was explaining this to one of my bridesmaids earlier this week. I want to go out with my husband, and have people look at us and think: "What is that girl doing with that guy?" Here's why: I think he deserves that. I want to make people sit up and take notice of him.
Please don't take that to mean I'm putting down his appearance; I'm very attracted to him. I just know that he doesn't have the physical appearance to match his heart- and trust me, if his phsyical appearance really did correspond to his heart, angels would weep and traffic would stop and there would be no more war and he'd be able to turn tap water into Shub Niggurath (the BPAL blend, not the Lovecraftian critter, because that would be seriously freaky- can you imagine? He'd have to get special glasses or something, because otherwise he'd unleash this terror onto the world... but yeah, getting off the subject here...) with a piercing glance and.... yeah. All that stuff.
He's that special. He deserves someone fantastic.
I hope my review of Pan's Labyrinth wasn't offensive to anybody! I still had a fantastic time, and I'm incredibly glad to have seen it on the big screen. I was just pointing out things I didn't enjoy about it, s'all.
I'm kind of pissed right now. I got my LotR essay back today, and the grade was considerably lower than I was expecting. I didn't fail, but I got a 4.0 out of english 101, and this is a LIT class (sort of), so I have a certain amount of expectations for my grades when it comes to writing, and I was pretty confident with what I had written.
Also, I love you guys. That's all for now! Must do homework, so I can then play Baldur's Gate 2! And then.... American Idol!
Okay! Here's the deal, folks. I have no idea. I got an auto-reply from the watchdog group saying that they'd be gone until after the 20th, so nobody has gotten in touch with us, which I find really strange... Hopefully they can do something about this, but I'm pretty sure my dsl won't work without an active phone line in the house, so I may be gone for a bit. If that is the case, please remember: Happy holidays, whatever you celebrate! I'm thinking of you and will be going through massive bpal.org withdrawls. I love you guys!
I suck.
Gah. Sorry for the drama queen syndrome. I just got the results of my last math exam and I sucked, and it pulled my GPA down and I'm really really depressed over it. So, yeah. I got a little intense with the poor me and thus we have suckage.
I know I'm not always the most tactful person in the world, but why do people have to be rude? And why do they have to perpetuate drama? It frustrates me to see the forum degenerate into name-calling and snide remarks masked in smilies. Delivering an insult with a smile is still an insult, and is often more offensive that way. I understand wanting to have the last word, but you don't always need it. Go vent about it elsewhere. Start a blog. Do whatever you need to do, but work it out. Stop campaigning for your cause, because nobody cares.
I don't agree with everyone, and I get my hackles up if I feel insulted (which has happened once, and I did react really harshly.) or protective of a friend, or both. But sometimes just let it go. The forum isn't life or death, and if it is, you really need to see about chilling out.
Who am I talking to? That's a good question. (I was just remarking that I hate when people talk like that- rhetorical questions that they immediately answer. I think I saw it on Shark when I mentioned it. Anyway.) If you think I'm talking about you, you probably have good reason to think that, and it's probably true. I'm not talking about one single person, or one single side. Right or wrong, it gets absurd on both sides. Then again, I'm not talking about anyone who is reading my blog, probably.
Conflict is a part of life, and how we deal with it says a lot about who we are as people. I'm obviously a little(!!) unbalanced, but I'm trying to work out my flaws there.
I don't think people are bad. I just think sometimes you've got to take a step back.
