In my excitement over not being pregnant, I forgot to share one of my main causes of anxiety, and that is my new nephew! My sister in law had her baby on the 16th and he is beautiful! Obviously they both came through it fine, which was worriesome at the time, and they got to leave the day afterwards, even though it had originally been projected that she'd have to stay at least three days. So, yes. There's much happiness over the new addition to the family.
ANTM: I haven't ever watched it during the season before, but I usually catch at least part of a marathon afterwards. (I'm going to try and break this up, since it was sort of a stream of thought and was in one huge clump.)
I don't think the remaining girls are all that pretty, especially the twins. I don't get all the fuss over their features, though admittedly, I'm no expert. Still, they seem pretty... average, I guess? I don't think they'd really stand out all that much, even. However, Michelle is the one I've been hoping would go home since the episode where Nicole left.
I like Melrose, and I like that all the other girls hate her. It just makes me laugh.
I have a really big issue with girls who can't deal with having their look changed- when they whine about having short hair, it is a complete annoyance and I hope they go home right away. I may be insensitive in that area, though. But seriously, just deal.
My favourite was Anchal- I think I spelled that wrong. Gah. Anyway. She was gorgeous! They really played up how much everyone told her that she was fat and wouldn't make it with that body, though, but she annoyed me because she really did the job of sending herself home. If she had carried herself just a bit differently, with more confidence, I don't think she would've taken any shit from the girls at least about her size. Anyone remember Dee? She's, like, half of Dee's size, and they weren't half that cruel about Dee's weight. I have come into this late, admittedly.
I actually think that Eugena has the prettiest face of the models that are left. Melrose is my pick to win, though. They usually have a clear leader, which makes it more about watching the girls interact than about the competition, but sometimes people do stupid things, so that's always interesting.
I like Carridee, but I don't think she's the winner. They're probably going to send her home next and leave the top three as Melrose, Eugena and Amanda. Hell, maybe Amanda will be their pick, but I kind of doubt it. Yeah, I doubt it a lot.
Oh, and with regards to Tyra? She is absofrickinlutely batshit insane. I just don't find her likeable at all.
Off to watch the Heroes marathon and put off doing my homework! Whee!
I'm done with fall quarter in one week! I'll be home from doing my last final a week from right now! Woohoo!
Thanks for pointing me in this direction, Fil. The guy called my cell phone today and told me that he wanted to know immediately if the phone line was disconnected, because they're not supposed to do anything to our line while an investigation is pending. Hopefully this will get sorted out soon! Meanwhile, we'll be able to stay online! I should go find the number, just in case. Eep. Anyway, so that's great news! And I know what I want to get for my mom, I just can't get it right now. It'll have to be late, sadly. Ah, well. And I think I need to find some more imps of MLST so I can get her a few in a roller bottle, because I think it would smell fantastic on her.
Anyway! I'm feeling better now that somebody is looking into the situation. I am so freaking pissed at Trinsic, it's not even funny, so I hope they get taken to the woodshed. Or at least get a stern talking to, and we get our phone back.
In other news, I watched part 1 and 2 of the Lost Room, and I'm bummed because I love the premise, and it's almost exactly how I wanted my NaNo to go- the things they needed to find were going to have odd properties, and there are all sorts of directions to take it. I may still use it and draw on the show- it's not like I'm going to be published or anything. (I'm going to flesh out my characters this year and then write out the novel next November. It'll be better!)
Anxiety is high again, can ya tell? My mind is just racing. Okay, gotta go figure out what I'm doing. Take care, dearies. Thank you for your support.
Freaking Melody. Heh. I'm sorry, and I know a lot of people love her, but.... first impressions and all. If that chick knows where the Ark of the Covenant is, she needs to tellllll me. And stop filling it with water. Freak! Ahem. I'm done. Seriously.
I'm such a spaz. How did I get to be so old?
My husband is out in the front room doing something mysterious and Christmas-y for me. I'm not allowed out, and I think it's very sweet. I can't wait to find out what it is so I can brag about him here. Hee. I don't know that I say it enough here, but I love that man. He is so good for me.
SO GOOD!
In other news, my brother's mom seems to be in stable condition, and should be here for Christmas- which is wonderful, seeing as how my brothers and sister will all be here, and the last time we were all together before my wedding was many, many years ago, and I was dumb and didn't take a picture with them- so we will have to get one while they're in town for the holidays. I was so afraid that we wouldn't be together again until a funeral, so that's a relief. I hope! I just really hope she makes it. It would suck for her kids and grandkids if she died so close to Christmas. Me too, obviously, but them more.
Uh, okay. My brain is still flitting about much like a hummingbird. Hummingbirds freak me out, because some of them are so small that they resemble moths. We have HAYUGE moths out here. I'm so phobic about moths it isn't even funny. Riiiight.
I can't concentrate, obviously, so I'm going to go play Cake Mania. Seriously. It rocks. Big Fish Games is the coolest thing ever!
I'm tired right now, but I've got a lot on my mind, so I thought I'd do a brain dump here. Since I can!
I'm swapping for King of Spades with somebody I trust a lot, so yay me. Now if only I can get my hands on a bottle of Glitter. I just realized I forgot to finalize a swap! Cripes, I feel bad. I need to go leave a message now. Okay, done. I will hopefully be getting Punkie Night, which will hopefully smell pretty on me.
This year I need to focus on GC's. I am just so OCD when it comes to LE's. But I need Alice, Arkham, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale, and a few others- Bewitched. Plus I want to try a bunch of patchouli blends and a few others- Persephone and March Hare are the ones I'm obsessing over right now, as well as Depraved, Ravenous, Sin, Urd, Sri Lanka, Spellbound, The Catterpillar, Vixen and Tweedledum. Tweedledum in particular. The last are from my patchouli recommendation thread! (I want to try the others, these are just the ones that stand out to me.)
Anyway, the title. I was feeling philosophical, but now I'm not. I guess I'll leave it at that. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love to you all!
Merry Christmas, lovelies! Even if you don't celebrate the actual holiday, I hope the spirit of the season itself brings warmth and love into your lives. You all deserve it.
Take the best care, and I shall write an entry with the scoop on my holiday swag as soon as possible.
Love to you, darlings!
This website shows what sort of inspired my husband's gift to me. I can't find them anywhere else, but I know I've seen them before. He made it himself, though, and it is perfect.
I was living in Utah when my paternal grandmother died. She was a sweet, beautiful lady. I am so grateful that I spent a lot of time with her when I was growing up. I spent most weekends at her house, and later her apartment. She was lucid and active when she passed away, but she had moved in with her daughter, who lived near Portland at the time. She never wanted to burden her children, so I think that may've been part of the reason she was ready to go. (Quick aside, since I don't want to mar this story with anger, but I really, really dislike my aunt. She took advantage of my grandmother, and there was even suspicion briefly that she may've "helped" her pass on, but again, that's for another time.)
I felt peaceful about it. It wasn't an ugly death, and she lived a long time- though I couldn't tell you her exact age, she was in her late 80s at least, probably early 90s. I was sad that I was so far away, and that I hadn't seen her for some time, but I did okay with it. Thanks to a dear friend who worked with Delta airlines, I was able to fly home for her memorial service and spend some time there to recharge.
The week after her memorial service, we got a phone call from my aunt. She had 2 children- her oldest was a boy, 13, and her youngest was a girl, 7. The girl was a surprise- majorly. My aunt had had her fallopian tubes tied off, and my uncle had a vasectomy, but she was something of a miracle. She looked so much like my uncle that there's no doubt she was his.
I spent summers with them, and at one time had been very close to them. They were like siblings, especially the boy. Then I grew up and didn't spend as much time with them- they lived several hours away, and I was busy, and then I moved.
The call was to let us know that her son had killed himself. You know what the first thing I felt was? Relief. Isn't that horrible? I was afraid that my mother was going to tell me that he had killed somebody else- his sister, classmates, anyone else. He could have been a school shooter, but he wasn't, and I was relieved. I can clearly remember going through all the stages of grief, especially denial, which seems like the most ridiculous one to me. Maybe it was an accident with the gun. Maybe somebody else had done it and made it look like he had done it. Was he at the hospital? Maybe he wasn't even really dead. Maybe they were working on him there.
There was a note. To this day, I absolutely ache to read it, to pore over it, to see what made him do it, and to get some answers. They're not there; they're never there. I didn't ever get to read it, but I morbidly grilled my aunt for details of what had happened leading up to it. I was obsessed with trying to understand. There's no way to understand. The only person who can really provide any answers is gone, and that is the HARDEST thing in the world I've ever had to accept.
It was morning, and his mom left for about 15 minutes, to drop his dad off at work, since they only had the one car that was working. He had eaten his breakfast and showered; gotten ready for school. His homework was done. He and my aunt briefly spoke about buying roses for his girlfriend, and he seemed excited about it.
When my aunt got home, she went downstairs to get him off to school, and he had done it. She said, "No mother should have to see what I saw." I agree. Her daughter was hiding under her bed upstairs. The story goes that she didn't go down to investigate the gunshot, but I'm almost positive that she went down and was actually the first one to find him, and then went and hid until her mom got home.
This may seem almost silly to add in, but the day of his memorial service, we got a call from home- the kid who had been looking after our cat found her dead when he went in to feed her that morning. We'd had her for 18 years; I couldn't remember being without her, and she was probably 20... so that just added one more ache. It was one more loss.
That was such a dark time. I still don't know how you deal with suicide. I never found a way.
My other cousin, his little sister, is the absolute light of my life. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, despite the fact that she was only 15. I love her so much, and I wish I could protect her from all the pain she's been through. She's the one who is possibly moving to Maine, eventually. A few years after her brother's death, she was skiing with her dad, on Thanksgiving, and he had a heart attack and died. This kid has been through the wringer. She is such an inspiration to me, and I don't think she even knows it.
Anyway... I don't know. I guess I needed a mental purge. Sorry if this upsets anybody, though.
Hee. If you look at the list of scents I want to buy right now, check out how many of them are predominantly florals. MLST isn't, and Alice isn't quite, and there's also Bengal, which certainly isn't one... But by and large, those are floral scents! How did that happen? Also, look at how many of those feature rose! I came in to BPAL with a strong dislike of rose, but I have, as they say, seen the light. Hah. I also didn't like vanilla very much. Hopefully that was just my own scent discovery, and it won't change so drastically over this year.
I spent tonight with my husband, cleaning up our kitchen and playing Baldur's Gate and watching the ball drop, and it was fantastic. It's our second New Year together, but our first as husband and wife, obviously, so it was special. I know how lucky I am. It's going to be a great year, even if the going isn't always smooth, because all I see when I think about 2006 are the shining moments, even if I was a basket-case for so much of it. Thus, the good outweighed the bad. By a lot.
Happy New Year everyone!
Oh, and my new watch? Is beautiful. In case I forgot to mention that among the Christmas postings.
As has become expected, I am doing much better today than I was yesterday. I am SUCH a freak the first day of a new quarter, seriously.
Speech is going to be challenging, but I think it'll be good for me, and I already like the instructor. I got into the 8:00 math class and dropped the one that traumatized me, so even though I'll have to get up at 6am, I'll be totally done with school by 11:30, and that is really nice. I have missed that. I'm half tempted to do a 7:00 class next spring so I'll get out at around 10. But... eh. I'm not that much of a morning person, and dragging myself to yoga at that time was seriously difficult, and that was only two days a week.
I like my Lord of the Rings instructor, too. I have a feeling that is going to be a good class for me; I just need to get reading. For now, though, I need to do some math!
to everyone! Thanks for all the support!
The watchdog group didn't work out. We paid stupid Trinsic. They're going to disconnect the number entirely in 24-48 hours, so I'll probably be without DSL until Verizon can get us hooked up. I dunno how long that'll take, so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, for I am not gone.
Ugh. I hate this.
My internet has been gone for the past week or so! I shall return as soon as the telecommunication gods decide they don't hate me anymore. Thinking of you all, and hoping you're doing well.
I will have a huge update coming when I do get back. (Possibly tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath.)
I had a good day today. It pisses me off how quickly I can lose that feeling. And my poor husband. He was like, "You can't... but... I miss you being happy." It doesn't make any sense when I write it out like this, but there it is.
I have homework for the lab that I haven't done. Gah. And!!!!! The stupid bookstore was STILL out of the lab manual when I went in today!!!!! S'okay, I bought myself some goggles. The ones for general use just squick me out. They don't clean them or anything. Ewwww.
When I am feeling better, I will tell you about the cell diagram project for my bio class and the interpretive dance.
I have a linguistics exam on tuesday, and I am excited about it. My instructor had never heard the word lagniappe. Did you know that even though the spelling is french, the origin is much more interesting? Originally it was yapa, coined by the Aztec tribe, the Quetchua. Then the people living there when it was still part of mexico adopted it, assigning it an article: la napa (only the n has a tilde on top, sorry for the lack of proper lettering), so it was pronounced lanyapa. The French people who settled that area then latched onto it and gave it a french spelling.
And don't get me started about the Basque.
I'm going to follow through with the radiology technician program, but when I have the money, I'm going to go back to school and get a degree in linguistics.
My mood swings are seriously impressive. My anxiety is even worse. I missed school because of my anxiety today, and this is significant not because it's never happened before, but because I hadn't given up, and I wanted so badly to go, and I just couldn't. handle. it. I couldn't. There wasn't a single thing that was going to drag me out of this house. I couldn't write my paper that was due today, and I didn't get to do all the things that needed to be done TODAY. Not tomorrow. Right now. Hours ago. There were things that I needed to have done, and people, I just could not do them. I cannot convey the amount of frustration and despair I feel over this.
I really want to be a better person. I want to think that I am continuously improving, and that I am going to be strong enough to live like a normal person and get the education I want and make connections and be there for the people who need me, but I feel like I am stuck.
My mom has been sick for a long time now, and they've been trying to figure out what is wrong with her- loads of tests, and they've thought repeatedly that she has internal bleeding, but haven't found anything. So finally, instead of sending her back to the GI specialist, she went and saw a hematologist, who ordered her into the hospital to be watched, because her iron and her red (?) blood cell count was so low, and they did an iron infusion and finally sent her home, and now we wait to see if she starts producing the blood cells she needs, or if not, what else needs to be done.
So I'm a wreck, and she's taking care of me already- she went out and got my medicine for me today- and she has no business really being out and about, but that's just how it goes, and I wonder if I'll ever quit being a burden to her and be able to start taking care of her. In fact, I feel that way about most everyone in my life right now.
I shouldn't be feeling like this. And all I can do is stare at my switchee box that has yet to go out and feel hopeless about THAT, too. Is that not insane? Seriously, it's not like it is out of my control to drive to the post office and have it mailed out. But right about now, I'd like to sit in my very own padded cell and rock in the corner... and that sounds ridiculous and overdramatic in my head, so I can't imagine how it sounds out here, but I feel so freaking out of control, and then I'll come back here in a couple of hours and be appalled because of how overdramatic this is, but it is really how I feel right now, even if I don't feel this way later, and.... yeah. My head is really, really unhappy right now.
If I'm ever going to attend a four year school, I'm going to have to take a whole lot more math than just statistics. Do I try and get some of it done next year? Or do I try and keep the focus on the sciences I need for the radiology thing and not spread myself too thin?
I don't know. I'm back in obsessive mode regarding my classes. Obviously.
More:
Ooh! I just went through the new course catalog, and the genetics class I want to take has basic math and science prerequisites, which means I should be able to take it sometime in the next school year. But there's where I run into the problem I was chewing on up above- where do I fit it in?
They've also got several spanish classes that I'm now interested in looking at. (I was essentially forced into taking 3 years of it in high school because it was practical, so I never developed a love for the language, but I think I might be able to do that now.)
More:
How is it that I can obsess so much over future classes and yet be dreading tomorrow so much? There's no reason for it, either. I like all of them. In fact, this is probably my best quarter of instructors, and certainly one of my favourite classes, as far as people in it go. I'm going to fall apart when things start getting really difficult.
I am so sick. Aaand... I'm about to go to school.
I swear, I have the plague. Ugh. And the crazy thing is that my doctor didn't even give me a decongestant- he gave me cough syrup with codeine, which I can't take during the day, because I'm going to be driving to school, and I'm already not feeling good enough to do that.
I know.
The deadline for getting your questionnaire to the switch witch account is February 24 at 6:00 PM EST. They're going to try to have assignments out by March 1, and the end of the round will be May 10, with no grace period- essentially, the grace period is included, I'd think. Here's the link to the actual post!
This is SO frustrating. I am having anxiety about going to school tomorrow. WHY? Other than my Lord of the Rings class, there's not a lot of stress there- and even that class is turning into something with potential to be enjoyable... but I digress. And it's late, and I should be asleep.... Guh.
For SW help and general fun:
1. What is your favorite season, and why? I love them all, but I really love early winter/late fall, when most of the bugs are dormant because it's so cold, but it's not bitterly cold.
2. What is the most awe-inspiring or beautiful thing you've ever experienced? Being in love. Getting married. My sacred memories, too.
3. Which songs are guaranteed to make you cry? I Hope You Dance. 4am by Our Lady Peace used to do it to me, too, but for a very different reason.
4. Which ones are guaranteed to make you dance around like a giddy idiot? Breathless. Video Killed the Radio Stars. A few others.
5. Which book most changed your life or outlook? The Chronicles of Narnia
6. What was the most awkward time of your life? High school.
7. What do you adore the most in all the world? If you're really asking me what, it's my ever growing freedom from anxiety and depression ruling my life. If you're asking who... My husband, my mother, my cousin, my best friend, my cat, my sister, brothers, their children and my in laws.
8. What irritates you the most? People who drive really slowly when I'm in a hurry.
9. When were you happiest (besides now)? My wedding day.
10. What is the perfect meal for you? So long as it has a good dessert...
11. If you could dress in the clothes of any era, what would you wear? 1930's glam
12. What are your best dreams about? Life
13. What is your best "I was so drunk..." story? My husband's "Donnie's dead!" story- I've never been drunk.
14. What is the story of your first love? The story? Exhiliration, little birdies singing disney songs outside my window every morning, a ray of hope like nothing I'd ever experienced entering my heart, excitement like nothing else, feeling beautiful for the first time in my life, that sense of breathless desperation like, "This is IT. It HAS to be...", being incredibly naive and learning my lesson about trusting something that's too good to be true, becoming cynical and angsty and heartbroken and angry and self destructive only to eventually find my way to my husband, who would have formerly entered the category of "Too good to be true" but really, he's too damn good not to be true. There is no end to the story.
15. What is your favorite painting? It really depends on my mood. I ADORE Renoir- there's something about seeing the pieces in person that changes my whole perspective.
16. Who is your favorite Shakespearian character, and why? I don't know.
17. What is the best concert you've ever attended? I don't like crowds enough to go.
18. What is your favorite indulgence or vice? Indulgence: BPAL. Vice: Sweets.
19. What is your greatest regret (again, "no regrets" doesn't count!)? That I can't say I have no regrets. I would do things differently, given the chance, so it's a good thing I can't.
20. What is your favorite physical aspect of yourself? My hair.
21. What is one very interesting fact about you that hasn't yet been shared? I was in New Orleans just over a week before Katrina hit.
If I were a dessert, I'd be tiramisu... who'm I kidding? I'd be a pint of the best haagen daz.
If I were an alcoholic beverage, I'd be hot buttered rum.
If I were a type of music, I'd be Nightfall, by David Lanz.
If I were a color, I'd be pale blue.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate
If I were an animal, I'd be a white tiger.
If I were a story, I'd be emo.
If I were a car, I'd be a toyota.
If I were a poem, I'd be my own.
If I were a bird, I'd be a crane.
If I were a BPAL oil, I'd be Et Lux Fuit.
If I were a country, I'd be India.
If I were a mythological being, I'd be a naiad or meliae (hamadryad of the ash tree)
If I were an article of clothing, I'd be a well worn and loved hoody.
If I were a reptile, I'd be a boomslang, and disappointed that I wasn't chocolatey.
If I were a natural disaster, I'd be a monsoon.
If I were a plant, I'd be a lilac bush.
If I were a planet, I'd be Neptune.
If I were a tree, I'd be a white birch.
If I were an album, I'd be Our Lady Peace, Happiness is Not a Fish
If I were a fabric, I'd be fleece.
If I were a work of art, I'd be a Renoir.
If I were a book, I'd be a fantasy.
If I were an element of human emotion, I'd be hope.
If I were a constellation, I'd be Leo.
If I were a season, I'd be Winter
If I were a flavor, I'd be Chai with milk and honey.
If I were a geographical feature, I'd be a still pond.
If I were a shoe, I'd be a fuzzy slipper.
If I were an M&M, I'd be dark and blue.
If I were a queen, I would have both national tea time and nap time.
If I were a song, I would be an unfinished symphony.
If I were a light source, I would be a scented candle.
If I were a stone, I would be aventurine.
If I were a kind of panty hose, I would be silk stockings.
If I were a movie, I'd be a box office flop, but eventually I'd have a cult following.
If I were a spice, I'd be cardamom.
If I were a cosmetic item, I would be lip balm
If I were a hot drink, I would be homemade cocoa.
If I were a sound I would be discordant.
If I were a famous person in history, I would be Anne Bonny.
If I were a sport, I would be poker.
If I were an actor, I'd be Angelina Jolie.
If I were a musical, I would be the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
If I were a number, I would be 1.
If I were an invention of humankind, I would be air conditioning.
If I were a sexual item, I would be a silk cord. A long one.
If I were an instrument, I'd be a cello.
If i were an element I would be be fire.
I don't want to go to school.
And next quarter I'm going to be whining about how much I miss this quarter.
Actually, I don't miss last quarter. I miss some things about last quarter, but not everything.
I have a math exam and a presentation in speech today, and I am freaked out. And really tired. Mostly freaked out.
I'm going to be so glad when today is over with. SO. GLAD.
Therapy today was fine. It was a getting to know you sort of deal, and I think this lady really knows her stuff. But cautiously. I don't want to get over-excited and then have her be some flake. But it went okay.
I don't have much more to say about it.
Oooh, the boy got me the Perfume book and it arrived today- can't wait to start reading it.
ETA: Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, just to clarify.
I am trying very hard to refrain from writing a wanted post with many inappropriate caps and exclaimation points and question marks, begging for somebody to please swap Persephone to me.
NOTE: Please do not offer to swap or sell Persephone to me until I've bumped the appropriately phrased post in the appropriate area of the forum. This is definitely not a request. I'm just wailing and gnashing my teeth about the unfairness of it all. Hee. (I've barely missed it three times recently. At least.) I know. Poor me.
