He called his mother, asked her for money to get his car fixed so he can get home, and she is sending it. She asked to speak to me. She was in tears- worried sick that he might hurt himself instead of going home. I promised her I would keep a lookout and let her know if anything happened. She said they were thrilled to have him back, but she knows how much it hurts him.
She left her home phone number and her cell phone number. I do plan on calling her and speaking with her about him. If she really wants to help him, I can point her in the right direction. I also want to know if she knows the magnitude of his debt up here, both personal debt and public. She didn't come across as the cold hearted bitch he's been portraying her as, but I'm not convinced he was lying about that, simply because my father can put on a good show when he feels like it. Still, it seems fishy. A lot of it does.
This is a bad week to do this. He has a week to get the money from her, and then a week to get his car repaired. Otherwise, we buy him a bus ticket and off he goes. At this point, it's a small price to pay.
But next monday is my big midterm in psychology. I get my math work done at school, and I've been really working hard on it. Difference of trinomials was where I got completely lost last quarter, and I have those suckers down pretty well. However, I've been doing really poorly in psychology. And today I think I guiltily realized that I'm a little bored with this particular instructor. I love him to pieces, but it's a format that's been repeated three times now. I'm still planning on taking archaeology in the spring, but I think I'll give the social sciences a break winter quarter.
Okay. Feeling better. Compartmentalizing stuff is a useful thing sometimes.
For some reason, it never occurred to me that there'd be a lack of interest in my contest/sale. I mean, I didn't expect everyone to be scrambling to join in, but I think it's both fun and reasonably priced, particularly considering that there's a one in six chance that the winner'll be an imp of Underpants. With less guesses, I'll need to adjust it somehow, and it'll be more likely.
I'm just rambling to whine, folks. But please don't take this as me sulking (which, to me, implies anger, whereas 'whine' does not.) . I'm tired and PMS'ing. I think I may finally be able to sleep.
This doesn't really warrant its own entry, but it's my blog! So it's getting its own entry!
I love the word 'gobsmacked' and I'm not quite sure why. It's so much more evocative than shocked or astounded, even. It's like a perfect sound to represent the feeling.
Did I mention I've been a little dizzy?
Frazzled.
School starts on monday. What's it going to be like? What if I get lost? What if I wear the wrong shoes? What if I've got the wrong lunch box? What if I trip on the stairs? ... right. I've been here before, and I have badass shoes (except the ugly gold ones I wore at my wedding) and I don't have a lunch box, and if I trip on the stairs for the zillionth time, then I'll laugh for the zillionth time and accept help up from the cute boy who calls me ma'am. ...wait. That was mostly right. Except for the boy calling me ma'am. And, really, how often do I trip on the stairs?
So, yeah. Nerves are high.
In other news: My mom has not been to the ER, so no more bleeding as of yet. The doctor came over and changed her bandage and generally checked her leg out. He says it looks ouchy but okay. Well, I'm summarizing.
I haven't kept up with anybody else lately, and I'm really sorry for that. I'm on power-save mode right now, which sucks, especially if you're my friend Rob, who had a birthday several days ago and didn't get a phone call from me. But I remembered! My anxiety has just been so friggin' high lately that everytime I think about calling him now, I think "He'll think I forgot!" and then it all goes downhill from there.
Stupid anxiety. Stupid nightmares. Grr.
I need to get my school things together. Notebooks and whatnot. I think I'm going to end up carrying three bags; one for each class. I'm wondering if I'll need the psychology book. I know the instructor, and I haven't used any textbooks in his classes thus far, but none of them were psych. I guess I'll figure it out. I'm looking forward to next week being over with. I wish I could just ask the art instructor if he's going to be a psycho-lunatic, but that probably wouldn't go over well.
I was living in Utah when my paternal grandmother died. She was a sweet, beautiful lady. I am so grateful that I spent a lot of time with her when I was growing up. I spent most weekends at her house, and later her apartment. She was lucid and active when she passed away, but she had moved in with her daughter, who lived near Portland at the time. She never wanted to burden her children, so I think that may've been part of the reason she was ready to go. (Quick aside, since I don't want to mar this story with anger, but I really, really dislike my aunt. She took advantage of my grandmother, and there was even suspicion briefly that she may've "helped" her pass on, but again, that's for another time.)
I felt peaceful about it. It wasn't an ugly death, and she lived a long time- though I couldn't tell you her exact age, she was in her late 80s at least, probably early 90s. I was sad that I was so far away, and that I hadn't seen her for some time, but I did okay with it. Thanks to a dear friend who worked with Delta airlines, I was able to fly home for her memorial service and spend some time there to recharge.
The week after her memorial service, we got a phone call from my aunt. She had 2 children- her oldest was a boy, 13, and her youngest was a girl, 7. The girl was a surprise- majorly. My aunt had had her fallopian tubes tied off, and my uncle had a vasectomy, but she was something of a miracle. She looked so much like my uncle that there's no doubt she was his.
I spent summers with them, and at one time had been very close to them. They were like siblings, especially the boy. Then I grew up and didn't spend as much time with them- they lived several hours away, and I was busy, and then I moved.
The call was to let us know that her son had killed himself. You know what the first thing I felt was? Relief. Isn't that horrible? I was afraid that my mother was going to tell me that he had killed somebody else- his sister, classmates, anyone else. He could have been a school shooter, but he wasn't, and I was relieved. I can clearly remember going through all the stages of grief, especially denial, which seems like the most ridiculous one to me. Maybe it was an accident with the gun. Maybe somebody else had done it and made it look like he had done it. Was he at the hospital? Maybe he wasn't even really dead. Maybe they were working on him there.
There was a note. To this day, I absolutely ache to read it, to pore over it, to see what made him do it, and to get some answers. They're not there; they're never there. I didn't ever get to read it, but I morbidly grilled my aunt for details of what had happened leading up to it. I was obsessed with trying to understand. There's no way to understand. The only person who can really provide any answers is gone, and that is the HARDEST thing in the world I've ever had to accept.
It was morning, and his mom left for about 15 minutes, to drop his dad off at work, since they only had the one car that was working. He had eaten his breakfast and showered; gotten ready for school. His homework was done. He and my aunt briefly spoke about buying roses for his girlfriend, and he seemed excited about it.
When my aunt got home, she went downstairs to get him off to school, and he had done it. She said, "No mother should have to see what I saw." I agree. Her daughter was hiding under her bed upstairs. The story goes that she didn't go down to investigate the gunshot, but I'm almost positive that she went down and was actually the first one to find him, and then went and hid until her mom got home.
This may seem almost silly to add in, but the day of his memorial service, we got a call from home- the kid who had been looking after our cat found her dead when he went in to feed her that morning. We'd had her for 18 years; I couldn't remember being without her, and she was probably 20... so that just added one more ache. It was one more loss.
That was such a dark time. I still don't know how you deal with suicide. I never found a way.
My other cousin, his little sister, is the absolute light of my life. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, despite the fact that she was only 15. I love her so much, and I wish I could protect her from all the pain she's been through. She's the one who is possibly moving to Maine, eventually. A few years after her brother's death, she was skiing with her dad, on Thanksgiving, and he had a heart attack and died. This kid has been through the wringer. She is such an inspiration to me, and I don't think she even knows it.
Anyway... I don't know. I guess I needed a mental purge. Sorry if this upsets anybody, though.
I don't want to go to school.
And next quarter I'm going to be whining about how much I miss this quarter.
Actually, I don't miss last quarter. I miss some things about last quarter, but not everything.
We talked to him. He cried and admitted to feeling... void. Life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing here.
Annnd... I've been there. It does suck. But we're getting frustrated, and we don't know how to help. Resentment is building up, and he has to feel it too, and that isn't helpful at all. We're plotting a trip to Spokane for the sole purpose of having some time alone, and we can't afford it, but we also can't afford not to do it.
It's just... I don't know. At least we have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning.
We had thunder and lightning last night and it's been all gray and drizzly outside today. Now it's raining- I love the rain. There's just something about it that is soothing and refreshing to me. I'm happy for it. It's going to be a good day.
My super-secret knitting project? Yeah, it's taking forfreakingever. Am I just excruciatingly slow? I think I might be halfway done with it now, and I've been knitting for a week. How quickly should this be taking shape? Am I going way too slowly, or is this average? ... I think I may go with PM's.
Did I mention my whole math saga yet? I mean, the latest part of it. Just for the record, I don't like doing badly. So sucking in math this quarter has been a huge strain on my anxiety. HUGE. (Learning that I might be able to draw, however, has been priceless.) And I've sucked to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull a D-, which is a .7. I was pissed at myself when I got a 3.1 out of intro to Anthropology. That's just for comparison, so the sting of this is crystal clear. Monday, my instructor showed us our grades going into the final. Mine was a .5- I could lose my financial aid if I don't get at least a .7. This sucks. SUCKS! So I go in on tuesday, absolutely flattened because there's just no way I can see I'll be able to score high enough on the final to pull a .7; no way. She comes over again and goes, "Oh, I was mistaken. THIS is actually what you have right now." And points to a 1.7. Uh, that's quite a change. It also puts me into range for pulling a 2.0, which is what I need to move past college level algebra. Most importantly, it is NOT a .5!! Holy shit.
So now I don't want to screw up my grade. I want to do well on the final, and I have no idea if I can do that or not. I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to be taking it over again, but... it'd be nice to do it because I want to, not because I have to. Y'know?
I'm tired right now, but I've got a lot on my mind, so I thought I'd do a brain dump here. Since I can!
I'm swapping for King of Spades with somebody I trust a lot, so yay me. Now if only I can get my hands on a bottle of Glitter. I just realized I forgot to finalize a swap! Cripes, I feel bad. I need to go leave a message now. Okay, done. I will hopefully be getting Punkie Night, which will hopefully smell pretty on me.
This year I need to focus on GC's. I am just so OCD when it comes to LE's. But I need Alice, Arkham, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale, and a few others- Bewitched. Plus I want to try a bunch of patchouli blends and a few others- Persephone and March Hare are the ones I'm obsessing over right now, as well as Depraved, Ravenous, Sin, Urd, Sri Lanka, Spellbound, The Catterpillar, Vixen and Tweedledum. Tweedledum in particular. The last are from my patchouli recommendation thread! (I want to try the others, these are just the ones that stand out to me.)
Anyway, the title. I was feeling philosophical, but now I'm not. I guess I'll leave it at that. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love to you all!
So, my brother called me last night and announced that his mother told him that I don't have anyone helping with the wedding, so what all do we need done? Well, flowers. But it's wierd that she would say that, because all I've been hearing is that a million people have offered to help, so I set him straight on that. Flowers. Which will be the cost of the flowers themselves, but the arranging will all be free. Fine. So just now, I tell my mother what my brother told me, and she says, "Yeah, nobody's stepped forward to help." And I'm like, "Mom. Why is this the first I've heard of it? You've told me that offers of aid have been pouring in since September, so why would you now tell me that that's not the case? Why would you tell me that just 9 days before the wedding? Why???" Only not quite so dramatically. So she hems and haws and is like, "People just don't want to help anymore." Uh. Uhhhhh. Dude. My brain can't even handle this. I have my muthafuggin' math final tomorrow. No more stress. My wedding is in 9 days. No more stress. The rings arrived today and they're about two miles too wide. NO MORE STRESS!
I need to go see a movie this weekend. I just don't have time. My future in laws will be here next week- I'm really excited to see them. They're fantastic. We're going to have to clean a LOT before they get here, though. A LOT. I also need to see about getting my nails done, figure out what is going to be done with my hair, and figure out if we're going to have 100 guests or 10. So, the wedding will be here in a week- yay! bounce, bounce, bounce- it's finally heeeeeere!
Next up? The divorce. Not mine- my parents. Yeah, apparently my mother isn't going to do it after all. It's this whole big thing. BUT. She might be moving into our very small place. Our very small place with two cats and a housemate already... and she may bring her cat, too... I don't know. I don't have the energy to deal. My brain is fried. And I'm so freaked out about my dress... I'm really hoping it's here on monday.
I think I got swap-lifted. I reported it, but I feel utterly deflated. That was my carefully negotiated (with the FormerFiance-PresentlyHusband) order of decants (Beltane (!), Enraged Bunny Musk (luckily I ordered one from crescentwench), and Monster Bait: Underpants (Not to sound greedy, but this one makes me particularly sad. I've got two decants, but I had a use in mind for all three of them, and I'm going to have to eliminate one, for the time being. Maybe two.)) and a bottle of Dragon Moon.
I don't want to think that someone took off with them. I'd prefer to think of them as outstanding swaps (as in, 'outstanding warrants'), until I know for sure. It's easy to get overwhelmed, which leads to embarrassed, which leads to running away. That doesn't make a person bad. Life can get hectic, and I'm the first one to admit that I've fallen behind in swaps before.
There's my pep-talk for the day.
I'm feeling the weight of depression settling in on me this weekend, and I'm sort of afraid of falling back into that pit of awfulness. But! I got an awesome card from my switch witch, I'm preparing my switchee's package, and I've been trying Penance's tarts (and others) over the past couple of days. I love my tart burner. So! Goodness in my life:
-I'm very, very much in love with someone who is everything I want and need, all in one person, and I'm able to recognize how rare that is to find, and be awed.
-I'm NOT incapacitated by depression/anxiety. I'm in school, I'm doing things on my own- even things I don't particularly want to do, and I'm learning how to live life. I'm making mistakes, but who doesn't?
-There are these bunnies on my campus, which fill me with utter joy to see, and I tend to see them most every day. They are ADORABLE. I'm not in the midst of a huge metropolis or anything, but it's not exactly rural, either, so they're particularly exciting.
-I finally got a tart warmer thingy! And a ton of tea lights, because who knew they burnt out so quickly? But, yeah. So far I've tried a skindazzles Island Paradise one I got from Hawke last SW round (which was subtle and really, really pretty), Creme Brulee from 4 Fat Cats Wax Works (which I really like but the SO hates, sadly.), Peppercorn from 4FCWW which is amazing and lingers like you wouldn't believe, and I'm melting a Jack Frost from Yankee Candles that Hawke also sent me, and I haven't been out to sniff at the room yet, but I will. It smelled grand in the solid, though!
-I'm trying to teach myself to draw. I actually like some of the images I've sketched so far, which is... unusual. I would never describe myself as artistically talented by ANY stretch of the imagination. I started on the drawing kick as almost a joke, sort of inspired by my switchee (I'll explain once the round is over, in case she somehow stumbles across this), and found out that it was really soothing and I liked doing it overall. The SO has been really supportive.
-I'm changing my name! What's more is that I know what I want it to be, finally. I thought I knew, but when it came time to sign paperwork, it felt really awful. I've been trying to settle on something that's agreeable to both myself and the SO and sounds good with his last name, and I FINALLY found the right one. He brought it up, and it had been one I'd been too uncertain about to voice. I'm really excited about the namechange, anyway.
-Earlier this week, when I came home from school and got out of the car, I looked up at the sky and a thousand bits of cotton from cottonwood trees in the area were floating gently in the wind, and with the sun shining through them against the backdrop of a blue sky, they all looked like fairies, and it was breathtaking and I can't do it justice.
-I did really well on my last english essay. I'm getting more comfortable with the format of the class and with the people in the class. It's really more of a political science class, but as long as he is consistent with his course outline, I'll do well in the class.
-I got to hear the father of Fractals speak. (Which is all I'll say on the matter, because that's the most positive thing I can say about the experience, heh.)
-Despite the agony of giving up on Archaeology, I'm really enjoying the break between my classes. I've never done that before. I'm planning on doing it again in the fall.
-My wedding invitations are done! (They're not sent off yet, and they're not what I wanted them to be, but they're done.) This is cause for much rejoicing.
-I've found stuff for the bridesmaids, flower girls, and other people to wear, and my mother found a dress she loves. I'm excited.
-I've made it through half the quarter.
-I got a postcard from my switch witch today!
-Paris was eliminated from American Idol, and while it's sad for her, she's really the only one I felt deserved to go at this stage.
...Yeah, I'm done. Heh.
Ten days! I'm going to be married in just ten days! That's unbelievable. I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I don't have shoes. And our rings aren't here yet. And my dress probably won't be here for about a week. ...
Anyway, we got the marriage license today. Fun stuff. It makes it all so much more real. Guh, it's going to be such a hassle to change my name. I hope it all goes smoothly. Now I'm starting to get really nervous.
With three of us living here, it doesn't take long for dishes to pile up. We've asked out houseguest to please do them. We remind him that we'd like him to do them every other day. Because if they get done every day, then they don't pile up, and it's a ten minute job. When they don't get done for, say, a week. . . there aren't any clean glasses or plates in the entire house, and it's a whole day's work, more or less.
I know what it's like to be depressed and just want to be on the internet at all times (And I really do), but it's offensive to clean around him and realize that he hasn't bathed in days, let alone thought about doing any dishes.
With rabid support from my friends and family, I've sort of discovered that I have potential to learn to be an artist. I don't have technique yet, but I think I could do really well with it eventually. This is hilarious to me, because I've always thought of myself as the least artistic person in the room- can't draw a straight line to save my soul, and my stick figures come out malformed, and nothing looks the way it should- but even more, I had SUCH a horrible experience with my intro to art class I took last fall- My instructor was AWFUL. Like, really mean. Coated in sugar, but just always so negative. I almost wrote a letter to the dean about her, actually. Some of the things she did were highly offensive.
So anyway. Instead of rushing through math and science to prepare for the radiology program, I can take some art classes and other things that interest me- like foreign language, for instance- and see how I'm doing next year at this time.
I'll be married! And with a brand new name! I can't wait to change my name. I'm doing my full name, after we are married.
It's crunch time. I only just mailed off a vast majority of the invitations: Yeah, we're closing in on a month until the day. I'm so unprepared. I'm so very excited. I'm so extremely lucky... and now I'm off to bed.
I don't think my addiction to the internet is a bad thing. I think people who are derisive of the internet are slugs. It can be a catalyst of bad things, but it can also be a catalyst of good things, and ultimately I think it balances out. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I went through shaking, sweating, convulsing withdrawls over the past week I've been without the internet.
My wedding's in one week and six days. On monday, we HAVE to see about getting the license. I also changed my mind about my dress. I was going to wear a kimono, but it turned up all wrong and that's been distressing. So when my bridesmaid/flower girl tops showed up all gorgeous, I went looking through this site at the dresses. I'm having a custom tailored dress made for less than $50, and it should be here late next week. It's perfect. I'm getting the one in cyan, which looked more turquoise on my mother's computer, and now I'm starting to get worried. Not that worried. As long as I get married, I'll be happy. I'm less stressed than I ought to be. I think I'm more focused on surviving school this quarter. When it's over with, I'll go into full-on panic mode for the wedding.
There are about 10 people who aren't coming that I would love to magically transport here for the wedding. (And a couple of people who've passed on that I wish could attend as well.) I'd have 2 more bridesmaids were that the case. Ah, well. I know they'll be here in spirit.
My father did bring one blessing into my life- his mother. She was a dear, gentle woman and I miss her tremendously. Her death wasn't filled with grief for me, however. It was one of the easiest goodbyes I've ever said to someone I love, and I am not good with the farewell moments. It just felt like her time. I do regret not seeing her again before she died. I think she'd be glad to see me so happy, though. I need to remember to bring yellow roses to the wedding for her. She carried them at her wedding.
I am very glad both my brothers will be attending. I suspected one wouldn't be able to make it. Anyway... Off to do some homework. Or lounge around the forums s'more.
