I watched "Say Anything" again tonight. (for like the 1000th time)
I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
I'm a brain. Unfortunately, *not* trapped in the body of a game show hostess.
My boyfriend basically shares Lloyd's worldview. He's not into the whole buy/sell/process worldview. He doen't have a degree, and although he has a good job in computers, I don't think he's figured out what he wants to do when he grows up.
Plenty of aquaintances have questioned what the hell the two of us are doing together. He makes me laugh. He's sweet to me. He's the kind of guy who would point out glass for me walk around. I spent about 11 or 12 hours studying today. He brought me a warm lunch, and warm dinner. He's been cleaning the apartment. He makes the whole house run while I focus on my studying.
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I was discussing relationships with other actuaries at a seminar a couple of weeks ago... And we all realized that of the sucessful corporate high-ups we knew, most of them did not have high-powered spouses. Even the female partners at the consulting firm I used to work for, their husbands were artists, caterers, one owned a fly-fishing shop... All good careers, but not corporate. And the men too, their wives didn't work, or also had similar non-corporate careers.
I think there's a lot of value in having both people in the relationship working in fields with very different challenges and very different definitions of success. I think it makes it easier. You get stressed over different things, and not always at the same time, kind of makes it easier to be there for each other.
That, and for people in very time-consuming or high-stress careers, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be with someone who is more home-oriented than career oriented. I don't think it's a gender role thing, after all, I'm the one working all the time, and who spent the first couple of years as the primary income in our household. But, you know, *someone* needs to keep the home fires burning.
First of all, I'm only including a handful of the pictures I took last weekend, since most of them look just like the week before.
But... I visited my parents last weekend, and while I was there, I grabbed leaves off of my mom's christmas cactus and jade plant. I've got them outside right now since it's hot out, and it hasn't been raining.
The christmas cactus leaf:
The Jade leaves:
And a side shot of one of the beautiful pots I found for them on an obscure shelf at Lowes:
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And now, on to this week!
First of all, the bounty we harvested today! The bowl is full of red ripe tomatoes.
A rose bud is opening right now:
The most spectacular thing this weekend, though was the moonflower that finally bloomed this weekend! It smells beautiful
Here it is this afternoon before it opened:
And here are three shots of it this evening after it opened: Unfortunately, my camera doesn't really do well with close ups in the dark.
In her post, please be upstanding for the mayor of simpleton, Clover asked:
Even though I'm writing this here, I'm going to "ping" her post, so that when she goes to look at it, she'll see that this post is in reference to hers.
Hi, Clover!!!
I'm omitting pictures of my Strawberries, herbs, and the experimental tomato - they all look pretty much the same as they did last week. (The experimental tomato plant actually has a couple of teeny tiny tomatoes forming under spent blossoms)
So, without further ado...
Check out my tomato!!!! Right now, it's about the size of a large blueberry. I have a couple of other really tiny ones starting to form elsewhere as well.
The plant itself is turning into a one-plant jungle:
We had a big thunderstorm over the weekend, and the Habanero took off! Two buds are open now, I'm really looking forward to having real home-grown peppers.
My Morning Glories/Moonflowers have started actually making vines. I will be making a twine treliss for them this weekend, as soon as I'm sure where on the balcony I want them to grow.
And finally, I rescued an aloe from Lowes this weekend. It was the only one they had, there was barely any soil in the pot, the poor thing was just rattling around in the pot. It did, however, look essentially healthy, so I had to bring it home. I trimmed two of the leaves, the bent one in the front, so it would have a clean cut to heal, and the one directly in the back, because it had a lot of dark spots.
Anyway, I took it to work on Monday. I read up on re-potting aloes, and consequently, I haven't actually watered it yet so that the roots can heal from being disturbed before getting wet. I'm going to try and hold off until monday before watering it, but it's hard, because I really want to baby it.
Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to take pictures of your own hands? Excuse the fact that I'm tossing in a ton of pictures but no one picture really captures it.
A close up of the ring on my finger:
A close up of the ring with the ring I wear on my left middle finger (It's a bonzai tree, it was a gift from my dad):
A little less close-up:
In context with the other ring and my watch:
The amazing glow in the saphire:
he exam is on wednesday. I am barreling full speed ahead towards it. Today I am at work (8 hours of distraction intended to save my sanity.) Tommorrow I'm home studying all day.
Overthe weekend, I spent each morning taking a 4 hour timed practice exam (Last May's test saturday morning, and last November's on sunday) Then the afternoons/evenings were spent working problems in areas I was weak on. Tonight, I will be doing more of the same. Tommorrow is the last all-day push to make sure I have firmly memorized everything that needs memorization. No theory, just drilling myself over and over on all of the equations.
So yeah, I am barreling headlong towards burnout. It's a race against the clock at this point. I am already looking up chiropracters to make an apointment for next week to try and undo some of the damage from spending 2 months hunched over a desk. This morning, I woke up with such a pain in my neck that I had to pick my perfume this morning that wouldn't conflict with the smell of the IcyHot I had rubbed into the entier back of my neck and shoulders. I went with Lick It. It definately smoother out the sharpness of the menthol in the IcyHot. There's a layering combination you don't hear about often.
And my parents are coming into town on Friday. The apartment is in shambles, so wednesday after the exam, I will be cleaning like *mad*. Actually, I suspect it won't be that bad. I'm planning on getting a handful of big rubbermaid containers to pack up with winter clothing, spare bedding, etc. and put on the top shelves in the closets. I don't think the problem is so much mess as this apartment has kinda crappy closets, so storage has been a problem. Once I organize that, I think the rest of it will just be vacuuming, laundry and a little thoughtful aranging. Which isn't nothing, but it's not insurmountable.
Rusty was supposed to be cleaning house this weekend, but #1) his standards of what constitutes "clean" are a lot lower than mine, and #2) he hasn't developed that skill of breaking down big tasks into smaller, manageable components, so to him it *does* seem insurmountable. It's irritating, but I've pretty much given up on the idea that he will ever wake up in the morning with a burning desire to keep the house clean and organized.
I'll be putting off planting the balcony garden until the weekend, since there won't be time for both cleaning and planting on wednesday.
So this is what burnout looks like : mild panic, physical pain, and distracting myself in daydreams of cleaning house. Wow - so miserable, yet so banal.
Just 18 hours to go!
So anxious. I think I'm pretty ready, but I won't know for sure until tommorrow morning. Ooof. Unfortunately, there is a lot more on these exams than can be tested in 35 questions, so the tests are *very* different from sitting to sitting. There is a certain element of chance about whether or not the material on the exam overlaps well enough with the stuff I've studied. I could get blindsided.
Anyway, thanks for all of your well wishes!
I hit the blog post picture limit again. Damnit.
Earlier this week the first morning glory flower opened. I love it!
Here's the vine as of today, running off to explore my upstairs neighbor's balcony:
Here is my lovely tomato... I picked 7 tomatoes off of it today, we ate them with little buffalo mozerellas, fresh basil, and balsamic vinegar.
I haven't shown the basil lately, take a look!
Here's the other tomato plant, it's turning into a total jungle, it's really taken off since I re-potted it. It's got a bunch of little green tomatoes on it.
The peppers are showing no signs at all of ripening:
The roses are putting out new buds, I'll have more flowers soon:
I think there's as much strawberry foliage outside the pot as inside:
I took my first practice half-exam today (18 questions in 2 hours). I was tired, had a headache, was forgetting shit right and left. And through all that, I still got 50% of the questions right. That pass mark on this test is usually about 60%, and about 30-40% of people who take each sitting pass.
I have two weeks to go, and a lot of formulas to memorize, but it's in my grasp. The questions I got wrong, most of them I knew what needed to be done, but couldn't remember the formulas or the details. That's easy enough to brush up on in the next two weeks.
I have a dance performance on Friday, that will involve about 4-5 hours sitting around back stage. I will be sitting around with my flash cards, and I think it will be a huge shot in the arm for me, since 4 hours of memorization will do me a lot of good.
Breathe.
I got my bottle of Baku earlier this week. I've been wearing it to bed every night to try to slow down my racing mind. When I track down my scotch tape, I'm going to move it to a roller ball, to keep by the bed.
Still Breathing.
Now that I've totally geeked out on some of the forum blog technical details, I think it's time to settle into actually posting.
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This spring it seems that I'm traveling like mad. This would be great for someone who liked traveling, but I don't. I can't help it. I hate sleeping away from home. even the nicest hotel comes in 2nd place to my own bed in my own room.
Last week, I was in England. Five days in Oxford, and 2 in London. I was totally enchanted by Oxford. London, on the other hand, was so gray and dismal. I loved the museums, but beyond that... Also, I don't think of myself as a prude, after all, I loved living in San Francisco, but... Walking down what seem to be normal downtown shopping streets and seeing sex shops and casinos just mixed in with the cafes and stores just seemed odd and a littledissonant. Also, what's with all the betting parlors? On every block, almost.
I unfortunately missed out on two places I wanted to go: I was planning to take a day trip to Stonehenge, but when I called the tour company, they were totally booked. Then I thought I'd take the train to Bletchley Park (where they cracked the Enigma code) but their museum was going to be closed until April 1. I was sad.
Everyone has been asking me about the food. Well, Oxford and London were both covered in very nice French boulangeries, which have great coffee, tea, and chocolate croisants. Many of them also serve sandwiches where they take a length of baguette, make a cheese-heavy sandwich with it, then smoosh it on a panini grill. The long narrow shape makes them much easier to eat than the kind of paninis we have here.
Also, the Indian food is spectacular. I can see why people joke about it being the national cuisine of England. The non-ethnic restaurants we went to were less impressive. They really do sadly overcook their vegetables.
I had fish and chips at a pub in Oxford (it was away from the tourist areas and was populated mostly by locals (I got chatted up by a handful, so I'm sure they were local). They served it on a regular plate, and it didn't taste any different from fish and chips you would have in the US. On the plus side though, the pub had Strongbow on tap. I love Strongbow...
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I took lots of pictures, so hopefully soon I will have some to post!
Between 3 and 3:30 eastern time today, exam results come out!!!!
I am completely useless today. There's a message board for actuaries (I guess there's one for everything!) and I keep reloading, looking to see if results are out early. I mean, I'm working and all, but not very efficiently.
Oof.
For three days before my period every month, I go into this wild phase where I will scrub/swiffer/sweep/etc anything in the house that will sit still long enough to be cleaned. This is the time of the month when floors get mopped, closets get organized, etc. I have to say, if I had to pick and chose my PMS symptoms, this is definately the most useful.
I am fairly tidy the rest of the month, but not stepford-clean-freak. Unfortunately, my fairly tidiness would be enough if I lived alone, but I don't. I live with the king of the slobs. The guy who tells me, "oh, no, honey, you don't have to clean up after dinner, I'll do it." But two weeks later, the pans would still be on the stove if I left it to him. He left a 2 square foot pile of Magic cards right in front off his side of the couch for over 2 weeks, so he had to sit down at the middle of the couch and scooch over. Every time I suggested he move them, he informed me he wasn't done sorting them yet. (the baffling part is that he bought two huge boxes of Magic cards on Ebay to replace the collection he had as a teenager - but doesn't know anyone here who plays, so plays the computer game version instead!)
Anyway, he's been all like "I don't have time to do anything other than cook because I work 50 hours a week" - Except I work 40 hours, then study for another 12+ every week, and I still find time to keep up with the dishwasher, take out the trash, change the cat's litter, and do all of both of our laundry.
Of course, he also sleeps 12-13 hours every friday and saturday night, routinely waking up well into the afternoon. But he refuses to acknowledge the fact that if he took better care of his body, by quitting smoking, eating better and working out, he would need less sleep to recover. He's 30 freaking years old, It's time he started to realize his body's not going to hold out forever.
And the part that makes it the most frustrating is that he's a computer security engineer. He's smart and capable of rational analysis. He'll sulk and be moody for a week if he put on enough weight to have to go out and buy 3 new bigger pairs of pants. But he isn't willing to give up his 48-64 oz per day of Minute Maid Lemonade (why not just eat the corn syrup with a spoon?) and wonders why he puts on weight. He thinks he'll get thinner doing situps, but thinks cardio is useless and horrifying.
Why is he willing to put in so much energy into a job he despises, but is completely unwilling to put any effort at all into us having a nice, relaxing, and non-chaotic home... whoich I would have thought would be more motivating than the world's most soul-sucking job?
Because the forum limits the number of pictures per post, I had to split it up.
My miniature roses: I had a bad aphid infestation while these buds were forming, so these flowers are a little ratty looking, but there are a ton of new buds that should look beautiful when they open!
My pot of morning glories and moonflowers: I planted 2 of each, I'm planning to grow them up the balcony railing. I planted them kind of in the 4 corners, but I guess some sloppy watering moved them around a bit. The two little sprouts are the morning glories, and the two moonflowers are sprouting as we speak!
My moonflower seeds breaking through the soil: How awesome is that?!? I feel like I'm in 1st grade again! I am planning to take more pictures of them in a few hours to see how far they've come
My moonflower seeds 24 hours later:
My strawberries:
My Habanero pepper:
My hanging basket tomato: I swear it's growing so fast I can almost see it happening!
My "Experimental" tomato: - I'm trying it out in a self-watering container made from a 3 liter bottle. I know it won't produce well or have the best-tasting tomatoes, but it amuses me. I'm going to wrap the container in mylar to keep the roots from burning.
My herbs: Thyme and basil
I had too many pictures for one post...
Here are my mini roses, I have 5 buds that will be opening in the next week or two. As prissy as they are, the roses are pretty rewarding.
I got more indoor plants this week too, I ordered an African Violet from Bluebird Greenhouse - By the way, they are *awesome* - The plants came in beautiful condition, and they sent me a free gift plant! I decided to go with a fancy greenhouse because I didn't want to risk getting a buggy plant from Lowes or Home Depot.
This is the one I ordered, Newton Quiet Resolve. I have seen picture's of other people's plants on the web, and this one often has very variagated leaves. Mine aren't showing much in the way of variagation yet, but the plant will be in my office under my flourescent desk lamp 9 hours a day, so the variagation will hopefully become more pronounced. (Check out the one about 1/3 of the way down on this page)
This is the free gift, Aca's Passionate. This one is going to live in my bedroom.
I had to grab a picture of the masterpiece I've got painted on my big toes. The picture doesn't capture it well, but the nails are a really rich, slightly sparkly red (though they were out of I'm Not Really a Waitress!), the flower petals are white, the center of the flower is coral, there's a rhinestone in the center, then the flower has some littel accents in blue, and there's silver glitter along the little swoopy thing.
And just because I'm vain, a better shot of my pretty manicure:
Today, for no particular occation, my boyfriend gave me:
This Titanium Ring!!!!!
It's not an engagement ring, we're not getting married until I finish my actuarial exams and he cleans up his credit. I had lost the stone from my old ring, and had jokingly told him he should get me a ring for my birthday. He told me he got this one for me just because he loves me.
The center stone is white saphire, the two larger side stones are moisenite, and the 4 smaller side stones are rubies. I'll try to get pics tommorrow.
I am totally twitterpatted.
I love my boyfriend, he is super-super-smart, but sometimes I think he's a little too quick with the paranoia.
Someone recently tipped him off to the dangers of fluoride. This person apparently convinced him that you consume enough fluoride in drinking 8 glasses of water a day to cause measurable harm to the body. I've heard this before too, and after reading up on the topic, I am confident in my point of view that that is a load of crap.
Yes, flouride in large doses can hurt you - so can water or alcohol. Here's the solution: Don't eat your toothpaste.
But, that's not what prompted me to write this. The thing is, he's all concerned about 1ppm of fluoride in the water, but he *smokes*. If he's concerned about ingesting toxins, maybe he'd like to have a little chat with his lungs. I'm sure they'd be happy to stop getting coated in tar, and dosed with carbon monoxide.
Me, personally, if I had to pick just one substance added to things we food and drink that poses the biggest, baddest health risk? It wouldn't be fluoride (which totally would not be in the top 10, probably not even the top 100), it would be high fructose corn syrup. That is some nasty shit.
inkdark moon wrote:
I was going to comment in response, but then my comment turned into a novel, and I decided to re-think my response and write it up here instead.
I can say with absolute certainty that I am happy with my life now.
I mean, in a moment-to-moment sense, I am frustrated with the exam process I have to complete for my career, and I'm busy and tired, but in an overall sense,. I'm happy.
But, the thing is, it's the things that are causing all of that busy-ness that make me happy. I have, by grace or luck, stumbled into a career that I enjoy. And the whole exam thing means that every day, when I get up, I know I will spend anywhere from 4 to 8 hours that day, studying, learning new things and intellectually challenging myself. And studying it all on my own makes it way more rewarding than college ever was.
The biggest misery in my life is to be bored. I hate it. Everything around me can be falling to pieces, but If I am setting goals and occationally achieving them, I'm happy. If I'm learning new things, and having to stretch my brain to do it, I'm happy.
So I guess what I'm saying is that my own happiness is both an internal thing *and* the result of my interacting with the world. My happiness comes from knowing I can rise to a challenge. My goals and my challenges are different from everyone elses, and the things that are important to me aren't important to others... But I have found the things that I am passionate about, and the *path* I am taking to get there makes me happy. I've succeeded in the realm of my career to find a job that challenges me intelectually.
And I have been lucky in my love life to find a guy who loves me so much, he gently holds me to my *own* standards instead of his. Seriously, that's love. He wants me to meet my own goals and grow in the direction I chose. It's a daily struggle for me, but I try to do the same for him.
As for why there are so many depressed people... I think the modern world, for all of the supposed choices we have in every part of our lives, is actually very disempowering. We are all constantly overstimulated with exhausting trivia, and by the time we start looking inwards at what we want and need, we're too tired, and our heads are too full of marketing and other people's opinions.
I'm not saying I'm above it. I'm there just as much as anyone, asking myself, "Is this what I want? What my parents want? What my friends think is best for me? What is "socially acceptable"? What I have been conditioned to believe someone of my social/financial/whatever station should do?"
I think one lucky thing that happened to me was studying TaeKwon Do as a teenager. Right in the middle of those very formative years, I had a chance to learn a little about setting and achieving goals as I moved up the ranks. As I advanced, I was given more and more responsability, and, cliched as it sounds, I really did learn the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. I learned how good it felt to push myself so far beyond the limits I thought I had.
I know I have more thoughts on the subject, but I'll leave it here for now.
Valentina's post on the topic of Karma reminded me of a post I had been meaning to write a few months ago on the exact same topic.
First, as a bit of introduction. The summer between my junior and senior years of college I fucked up. Part of it was being 20 years old and personally stupid, and part of it was being naiive and not realizing I was being sucked into a vortex of other people's problems. I won't go into details because it was stupid, and anyway, it happened 6 years ago. The drama culminated in the woman involved in the drama threatening to drive to Nashville and shoot me.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago, she calls my mother (my parents phone number was on the lease I signed that summer when I rented their house) trying to track me down. My mom won't give her my contact info, but accidentally let slip I was in St Louis. I'm in the phone book, so it was easy to find me. My mom was nice enough to call me and let me know this woman had called. She had told my mom that she needed "closure".
(Let me interject that counselors/therapists/well meaning friends who tell people to dig up people from their past and demand "closure" are jackasses. Seriously, what is the point of trying to stir up 6-year-old shit? To re-open old wounds? Seriously, what is the logic?)
Anyway, due to the beauty of caller ID, I screened her calls and let the machine take them. They weren't mean or anything, she just wanted an apology. Well, to paraphrase House, you either get to ask for an apology, or you get to threaten to shoot me, you don't get both. And to be perfectly honest, I have nothing to apologize for other than having been 20 years old and attractive. I didn't actually do any of the things she still firmly believes I did.
She left three messages, the last one ending with, "I'm not going to call you again, but you know, I believe in Karma"
Snort. You know what, me too. I made mistakes, I learned from them. I apologized when appropriate, and grew the hell up. Got less naive and less stupid. And the more I learn from my mistakes, the smoother my life seems to go. Everyone makes mistakes. Karma isn't just about cosmic retribution, it's about learning. It's about getting smacked upside the head with the clue stick if you can't figure it out for yourself. Well, I figured out what I was doing that was stupid, and I fixed it. No need for the clue-by-four.
Her, on the other hand... Well, her life has not been so smooth. Some things beyond her control, but by no means all. Seriously, if she wants to dig up 6 year old shit, she can wallow in it all by her lonesome. And honesly, has no right to complain about the stink, since she's the one who dug it up. I wonder why, if she believes so much in Karma, she can't see that the universe might be trying to tell her that her own hunger for drama is stupid.
So, yeah. i don't really know where I was going with this, I just wanted to get off my chest how funny I thought it all was...
Strawberries: These are going nowhere. Not dying, but not thriving either.
Roses: I'm so sick of these fussy bitches. I am seriously tired of the fact that the relatively benign incecticidal soap I'm using only keeps the aphids at bay for about 3 days at a time.
Habanero: It's putting out glossy green leaves all over, and there's almost a dozen buds on top.
Hanging Tomato: If you scroll down, a week ago, the plant came half way up to the hook, now they're way up there, I'm curious how huge this thing will get! It's got 2 sets of open flowers, and 2 sets of brand new buds. I will hopefully have a ton of tomatoes.
Experimental Tomato: It's clearly not thriving, but it's not dead yet either. It's also got a cluster of flowers.
Morning Glories and Moonflowers: Both have started growing vines. I'm curious just how fast they're really going to take off.
I had a big performance last night. I danced at a big dance show at a theater at Washington University (not at a bellydance-community event, but at an event where there were dancers from all over the city, and people payed $20/ticket to see the show!
Our school danced to two songs, the first was more traditionally bellydance, and the 2nd was to a song that was a cross between arabic and afro-cuban styles of music, and the dancing was a blend as well. It's super-cute. I was in the traditional piece. There were 5 of us dancing with veils, and we formed a semicircle type shape around 3 dancers with swords. I was the center veil dancer, which was most cool.
As a completely unrelated aside, the ballet dancers wear the ugliest crap backstage... baggy sweatpant overalls, grungy insulated socks... oh those poor things, too skinny to keep themselves warm. Also some of them were grumbling about how the cosumes we and the Indian dancers were wearing were a lot cooler than theirs. I would be grumbling too if the skirt of my dress was cut to look like mis-proportioned flower petals.
Anyway, so right up until like an hour before the show, the veil dancers are still going over stuff. At rehersal yesterday afternoon, my veil shrink wrapped itself to my face while I was dancing. We were all anticipating a disaster. But when we got on stage, it went off without a hitch. Our teachers take on it was, "Have you guys been shitting me for the last 3 weeks? Did you guys just know it all along and mess up in practice just to freak me out?" I twas awesome. The audience was clapping along with our music, it was great.
I learned a lesson from it too: We thought we were unprepared, but we had practiced hard, and when it came time to do it, adrenaline pulled us through. I think that's where I'm at with my exam: If I make a solid push of studying these last 10 days, and I consitently do well on my practice exams, then adrenalyn should help me pull through with enough of a margin to feel pretty confident about my score.
Also, my micro roses are developing buds. I'm going to have real live roses that I grew all by myself on my balcony!
I've signed up to fund two different loans so far (I'm sure I'll add more over time) I love the concept, and I'm enjoying being involved in the whole micro-loan thing.
Araceli Romero Herrera
Walter Siavichay
I am looking forward to watching these business prosper. And I can't wait to see how far they expand into more countries.
I'm really tired and out of it. It's not even the sleep thing, I managed to sleep from about 10pm-4am last night which is enough to make it through the day just fine... the hard part is the damn eating. I 'm not hungry at meal times, and ravenous in between. I should be back to normal by wednesday.
I do have a BPAL-related confession, though.
When I moved, I got rid of my low side-by-side dresser, replacing it with a tall chest of drawers. Unfortunately, that means all of my cosmetics and perfume have been relagated to inconvenient storage. I keep meaning to get a table to put in the bay window in my bedroom to use for all of that stuff, but I haven't gotten around to it.
Because of that, I've only been wearing Beaver moon when I remember to, and Anne Bonney when I go out. I have a box with about 60 5mls sitting in it, totally unused. Seriously, how stupid am I? I either need to pull them back out and enjoy them, or swap/sell them away so someone else can enjoy them, and just work on constructing a solid stash of Beaver Moon, Samhain '04, Embalming Fluid, Anne Bonney, and Snake Oil.
(I feel even worse, because there are a couple of *seriously* sought-after unavailable blends in my stash that I've possibly only tried once and held on to for almost 2 years. I have no idea what I'm waiting for. I feel selfish not getting them out to someone who would really love them.)
