I was never popular in school - I was too geeky, shy and quiet to be popular. Most of the time I was okay with that, but sometimes I longed to be noticed.
I'm not liked at work because I don't smoke. Nearly all my co-workers smoke, and take smoke breaks together. I try to engage them in conversation, but they don't really seem all that interested because they are at totally different phases of their life.
I don't have a lot of friends, and the several attempts I've made to make new friends since moving to NC have failed for reasons that are unknown to me.
I miss when I did have a group of friends - my last year of college was the only time I've felt vaguely popular. I was in a larp group on campus, and was friends with most of the people who played. The group was very large (nearly 40 people at one point) and I felt liked and wanted.
Now my wedding is less than a month away, and I'm keenly aware that I have no friends coming. My sister has more friends attending my wedding than I do.
I feel sad because I wish I had someone to go shopping with and do girly type things, but more often than not when I reach out to someone to be their friend they just don't seem interested.
I came to a realization yesterday, after emailing back and forth with my sister.
My family is so absorbed in their own lives, that they couldn't give two shits about my wedding (and me).
My sister doesn't want to do anything that will put her out in the least (like sleeping on the floor for one night - the night before my wedding), and thinks that my gameplan for the wedding day is dumb. Oh, and she thinks is stupid to have my MIL be our hair dresser (she's really quite good, and free).
My sister and I have never gotten along, since we are like night and day. She was the one obssessed with popularity in high school, where I was the shy, quiet, geeky girl. My sister has also never grown out of the phase where she thinks she is always right (therefore, I'm always wrong).
My dad changed a lot after my mom died, which is to be expected. Except he changed into someone who is very self-absorbed. He made my life more miserable when my headaches first started, because I was living at home, and he'd wouldn't believe that I was feeling as sick as I did. He'd goad me into fights, even though he'd know that if I got too upset and cried too much, it would trigger a migraine-worthy headache that would land me in the hospital.
He got married in June, and doesn't really bother with me anymore. He'll call if he wants something, but that's it. He'll go with his wife to Philly to visit her daugther (they have done this several times in the last year), but he has yet to come and visit me.
Plus he ditched me when we were moving, to meet his now wife for the first time. That really hurt, because I really needed his help.
I'm not a selfish person. I'd do anything for my friends, but this quality seems to be a rare one, and one that drives people away.
I used to have a group of friends, but they all decided enmasse that they didn't want to be friends with me. Apparently, asking them to call or email once a month or so, so I didn't always have to be the one calling / emailing / visiting was too much for them. I would have done anything for them, because they were my friends, but instead all they did was ditch me and hurt me, and then say horrible things on lj after I said I no longer wanted to be friends with them.
So, for some reason people don't like me. I have two friends now, but we aren't super close. I've really tried to make new friends, but I haven't been sucessful in the least.
Now that I realize that my family really doesn't want that much to do with me either, I have to wonder why I'm such an undesirable person to be around.
On the way into work this morning, I heard about the foiled terrorist plot that has shut down the big airport in London, and has made changes come about even over here, about what you can or cannot have in a carryon.
This makes me very nervous when I think about flying again. I'm really hoping to talk Todd out of flying to Disney, since it would be a waste of money. But, we are going to have to fly, when we go to Europe in 2008.
This whole thing also effects my job, as parts from overseas are air freighted in. I even have a supplier in England, and the parts I get from there are air freighted from London. I'm glad that I wasn't needing a shipment to go out today, and hopefully the airport will be back in business soon.
Now, on to bridezillas!
There is a show on WE that is called 'Bridezillas'. I tape it every Sunday night, and usually watch it on Monday. A lot times the brides that are featured on the show, are being unreasonable and overly stressing themselves out, but usually calm down once the ceremony is over.
Not the girl on last Sunday's episode. She was pissed off her entire wedding day. She had a pretty decent reason to be pissed (her in-laws were late, causing her wedding to start an hour and a half late), but I would hate to be that bride and look back at the video and see how unhappy I was on my wedding day.
Yes, I'm pretty stressed out over everything right now (though honestly work is more a stressor than the wedding right now), but I'm going to be happy and enjoy my special day. And I don't think I've ever been as unreasonable as the brides on 'Bridezilla'.
Or at the very least, a lazy one.
I used to keep records of who got who in each swap... but the last few ones, I've gotten lazy.
Mostly because my free time is pretty limited, so I quickly try and get everyone's assignments out quick as possible... and sometimes I do that at work.
From now on, I'll have to keep that information...
I feel badly about not having it for the several swaps in motion right now. Thank goodness I don't really have any swaps between now and the wedding (though I'll probably start the Halloween card signups before I leave for the wedding).
Today would have been my mom's 55th birthday if she was alive, and it's Todd's 31st birthday, so I feel a bit conflicted.
I find a bit creepy that my mom and my husband have the same birthday. Mostly because he never met her, and we didn't start dating until after she died.
Birthdays are a big deal to me, so I try and make the people I love's birthday a little special. This weekend, I took Todd out to eat and to the movies. He doesn't really like birthdays, so that's about all the fuss he'll let me make
Today I'm taking him out to lunch, and finishing his cake (I was too tired to frost it last night).
It could be the time of year, but I've been feeling sad and unwanted the last couple of days.
Sadness comes from the fact, mostly, that my dad has sold my childhood home. I'm a little sad that I haven't been there since April 2005, and I won't see it before he sells it. And of course my mom's deathday (and birthday) coming up very soon makes me sad too.
The unwanted comes from wanting to go to various meet and sniffs, but not feeling like anyone really wants me to come.
Of course, not getting enough sleep and having to come to work on a Saturday leads to these feelings as well.
Todd and I are friends with another married couple, A & J. They are pretty much my only friends thus far in Asheville. We get along with them rather well, and every Sunday night we go to their house to role play.
When we started last fall, J was the storyteller. Well, a couple of months ago, A started to run a game. She hadn't really run a campaign before, so we all have tried to cut her some slack.
Except J gets pissed at something she does nearly every week she runs. They get into a fight nearly every week.
Yesterday, A was busy with my character, because my character ran away from the rest of the group. Well, J was pissed that A didn't ask what he was doing, even though he could have easier said "I'm doing this and this" which is what Todd and I would have done if the scene at the time wasn't focused on our characters.
So, J pouted and picked up his gameboy. And then A posted in her lj that she felt like she was the most horrible storyteller ever, because she did badly.
Their dramamongering makes me feel like rolling my eyes. They need to realize that it's just a game. Unfortunely, they take these games really seriously!
I really need to find some more friends in Asheville, or maybe another game to play in.
When Todd gave me the choice of Vegas or Disney World, the choice was easy. Disney!
I really wanted to go back to Disney World as an adult. I'd been there twice before - once when I was 7, and once when I was 16.
But Todd's been there 4 times (the last time he was about 17), so he always said he didn't want to go back there.
Todd pretty much made my birthday this past year into Todd's Day (he bought a truck for himself, and got a dog I didn't even want on the day we were suppose to celebrate my birthday - he was suppose to plan something special for us to do, and obviously didn't), so I think he wants to make it up to me... so that means I get my trip to Disney World!
We are also going to do something he likes - his favorite wrestling company, TNA, tapes their weekly show at Universal Studios in Florida, so we will be getting tickets to go see that. Plus we plan on spending a day at Universal anyway, since I've never been.
All in all, I'm really excited. It's going to be a wonderful mini-honeymoon.
Unfortunely, my mind always goes to my headaches when I think about doing fun stuff. I will have to make sure I have plenty of time to rest, so I don't get worn out and hurting.
I have good days and bad days when it comes to my headaches. Today is a bad day, because the pain is hard to ignore. It's a cold pack day, and I worry that I don't have enough to get me through the whole day.
Plus, Todd's still sick, so I'll have to go home and do housework, instead of resting myself
I feel slightly bad, and greedy... but I love presents!
I, of course, got a lot of neat things for my bridal shower this past weekend, but it sucks because I couldn't taken hardly anything back with me because I was flying and only had a large-ish duffel bag (I didn't want to mess with checking luggage in).
Luckily, my sister had the foresight to just mail my presents, and put pictures in the card she gave me. So I have a brand new spice rack (with spices in it!) and a 4 canister set (which I plan on putting flour and sugar in two of them).
Todd is home sick (he's got a nasty stomach bug), and emailed me that we had a package. I called him, and had him open it while I was on the phone (work is dull, I wanted a little excitement )
We are now the proud owners of a 6 mixing bowl set! It was sent by someone who couldn't make my shower.
I really hope people send us wedding presents in the mail, so we don't have to haul all the presents back from Michigan... and because I love packages with presents in them!
I'm flying to Michigan tomorrow... and I'm really getting nervous about it.
The last time I fly was May 2000 when we took our last family vacation to Arizona, so it was before 9/11.
And this is the first time I will be flying by myself.
I'm an adult, and such, but being by myself and flying is starting to freak me out.
I'm afraid that I won't find my gate, I'm afraid I'll miss my flight when I have my layover, and I'm afraid no-one will be there to meet me.
I hope it turns out better than I'm thinking!
As I was adding up numbers today, I began to think about math. I know lots of kids piss and moan to their parents about how they will never use math, and such.
I use math every day, at least at work. Of course, I do have my handy dandy calculator to help me out.
But the more I thought about it, I realized we use math in play too. If I didn't know how to add and multiply, I'd have no idea how much damage I did to the bad guys in the roleplaying campaign I play in.
I live in haunted house... or more to the point, I pee in a haunted bathroom.
For the first few months we lived in the house, nothing weird happened. It was just a plain ole house.
But a few months ago, I noticed that the bathroom door would swing shut by itself, even if there was no air (like ac or a window open) running through the house. I thought it was rather weird, but didn't think much of it.
Well, it stopped for a while, but started back up again recently. I remarked to Todd that I thought the bathroom was haunted, and he looked at me and said "I was just going to say that."
Luckily, I don't get a bad vibe from the ghost, and he/she doesn't really bother me. Pretty much all he/she does is close the bathroom door.
I know I tend focus on the bad stuff sometimes, so I thought I'd list some good stuff that has happened in the last day or so.
- Mailed out 99% of the wedding invitations last night! The remaining 5 or so, are Todd's friends, and it's up to him to get the addresses. I wanted the rest to go out now, so people have a chance of having their wedding invitation before the shower.
- Had an awesome time at game last night. We had a very long game session yesterday, and it was one of the most fun games I've played. I'm really interested to see where it goes.
- My friend, Carly, is coming to my shower!! I'm so excited!
- Getting a manicure this coming Friday - since my plane is arriving in Saginaw at noon, we are going to have a bunch of time to kill before my bach. party, so my aunt and I will be going to the mall to get manicures
That's pretty much it for now.. I'm going to try and relax tonight -I'm going to get me some Panera Bread (French Onion soup is my sicky comfort food) and watch some 7th Heaven and Live Action Sailor Moon.
I haven't slept well for a week or so now, so I'm nodding off at my desk (boring spreadsheet assignments doesn't help this at all!).
Plus, since I'm still feeling pretty sad, that makes me feel even sleepy-er.
I am amused by the new BPAL fanfic, though I think the first one is still the best. It was so funny! I hope this new one is fun though.
I hope my Lotus Moon order gets here soon... I could use some smellies to cheer me up.
I wonder why I don't have any friends and no-one seems to like me?
Truthfully, I whine a lot more online than I do in real life, but I still seem to not be able to attract any friends at all.
If something happens to Todd, I'd have no-one, since my family doesn't really care either. I'm sure if I didn't make an effort to stay in touch, they'd never call me.
My cousin is even ditching me the weekend of my shower to go to a Tigers game, which really makes me sad. I'm not going to be able to come back to Michigan very often, and she decides that she would rather go watch a baseball game in Detroit than hang out with me. I know now why my bach. party was moved from Saturday night to Friday night.
Sorry, I'm just feeling very sick today, which makes me sad and depressed.
I'm tired and cranky, and I did a horrible thing.
I bitched to Todd about his parents, about things I thought he agreed with, and now seemingly he is angry with me.
So, now I'm crying at work, and I just feel like the world's most horrible person.
The worst thing, is I won't really get to talk to him until Friday, because our differing schedules, and I have no friends to really vent to.
I'm just worn out, tired, and seemingly everyone (including Todd) thinks I shouldn't be. Planning a wedding by yourself is hard, and my job is hard and stressful too. But no-one thinks that I need or deserve a break, which is what this past weekend was suppose to be..
My inlaws are driving me insane. I like them and all, but I hope they don't come back to visit for a long, long, long time.
My mother in law tends to be really, really, really judgemental, and tries taking over things. She basically took over the bbq yesterday. She also took the wallpaper off in our bedroom (which I should add, I did quite a bit of myself), and primer-ed and painted that wall. Well, splaking (I have no idea how to spell that this morning) took place because there was a bunch of holes in the wall, and yesterday she tried to vacum up the splakle (sp?).
Well, the vacum started to smoke, and she decided that it wasn't because she vacumed up the splakle, but because we hadn't changed the bag on it.
We have hard wood floors, and only really use one room with carpet, so we don't need to vacum that often. But she proceded to bitch about it the rest of the evening (she also vacummed our hard wood floors, which pissed Todd off to the point that he unplugged the vacum)
Plus their idea of cleaning is driving me nuts too. This includes Todd's grandmother too. I had to move stuff around in the kitchen because they put it away wrong (which isn't that big of a deal, but I'm wearing thin on patience because of tiredness). And what took the cake was this morning, at 6:30 am, I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. I went to comb my hair, and my comb was no where to be found.
I keep a comb in the shower, for combing my hair out in the shower, and that's where both my combs were! Why in the world would I need two combs in the shower? It really irritated me.
Plus, because of them being here, I haven't slept well since Sunday, so I'm exhausted. This is honestly the last thing I needed right now. What I need is a break, but instead I got a long weekend of being irritated and exhausted.
Yesterday wasn't all bad. Our friends, Alice and Josh came over for the bbq, and I'm soooo glad that they did. We talked and watched tv, until it was time to eat, then we ate. Afterwards, we played quite a few games of 'Apples to Apples', then attempted to play Trival Pursuit - the 90's edition, but ran out of time.
We headed over to Alice and Josh's place around 9, because we were going to watch the Lake Julian fireworks. But it started downpouring, thundering and lightening while we were driving over there, so Todd & I decided that we would just go home (after we went to their house and told them) because even if it stopped storming in time to have the fireworks, the ground would still probably be wet, and it wouldn't be that fun.
I was pretty bummed out though, I was looking forward to seeing the fireworks.
My inlaws are suppose to be leaving by 4 today, and I hope to God they are gone by the time I get home from work.
First, an update on the grey kitty. Our neighbors are currently renting the house next to us, but are looking for a house to buy. They are currently feeding the grey kitty, and planning on taking it to the vet, and taking it with them when they move.
They don't have any pets, and they are rather nice, so it's for the best, since Todd and I don't have time to introduce a new pet into our house.
We spent nearly the entire weekend cleaning, so our house is as clean as it's ever been, and we are now completely unpacked. Of course, Todd's parents brought him a bunch of crap with them, but he'll have to deal with that.
They also brought our kitchen table, which I'm geeked to have. I have to go to Target today anyway, so I'll get a cool 4th of July table cloth.
I'm at work right now, then hopefully I can finish the wedding invitations today (did a ton yesterday after the cleaning) and kinda relax since I'm rather tired.
Our BBQ is tomorrow, so hopefully that will be fun!
I have a cat, his name is Star. When we bought our house in February, one of the first things we wanted to do was get pets.
I got Star from a shelter in early March, then Todd brought home a dog the day before my birthday, which is near the end of March. The dog didn't work out, because it ended up biting Todd in the face (and trying to bit me), so Star has been our only pet since March.
Well, in the last week or two, there has been the cutest grey kitten hanging around our house. We think it was someone's pet, and they just let the kitty out, and didn't go after it.
The grey kitty is very friendly, and nearly followed me in the house yesterday. I expressed to Todd last weekend that I would love to 'adopt' the grey kitty, since he needs a home.
Well, last night, I had a nightmare, so I got up to get the nintendo so I could play a bit of Mario before going back to sleep. In the process, I got to talk to Todd for a few minutes, and he said "If you want to bring the grey kitty in, you can".
This surprised me, because Todd isn't really a cat person (though he adores Star), and Star won't be happy in the least if we bring another cat (or pet in general) in the house.
So, I'm not sure what to do.
Todd asked me to be his girlfriend.
And I'm usually good about remembering stuff like that, but I didn't remember until about 5 minutes ago.
This is proof my brain is turning into mush.
Since my brain is completely tuned to everything weddings, I thought I would post some pictures of the stuff for my upcoming wedding.
Our engagement picture
Pictures of my dress!
My cake topper
My University of Michigan garter
My guest book
The label I made to put on our bubbles
My invitations
This is what my flowers will look like
The start of my centerpieces
My favors
I think I'm becoming a Bridezilla
I keep having wedding related breakdowns, and I just want it to stop!
I snapped at Todd last night, and freaked out when he said that he oops'ed and didn't put a stamp on one of the response cards (I thought he had said 'some').
I really stressed out... there isn't enough time to relax or veg, and since my in-laws are coming to visit over the 4th, I won't have any days off until Labor Day.
I had been looking forward to the 4th, but now I'm not. Originally I had hoped to do all the invitations during the two days we have off, but now I have to be the hostess with the mostess for my in-laws.
It makes me tired and crabby just thinking about it.
