I really don't like Mother's Day since I don't have a mother. My mom passed away on August 8, 2002 from cancer.
Every since then, Mother's Day really makes me sad. This year hasn't bothered me too much until I just read a post about a mom surprising her daughter with a visit. Reading that made me want to cry, because that's something my mom would have done.
I was 25 when I lost my mom, an adult, but barely. She didn't get to come to my wedding (or my sister's), and she won't be here when her grandchildren are born.
My dad remarried last year, and I'm super happy for him. But I barely know his wife, mostly because their entire courtship happen after Todd and I move to NC.
I like Todd's mom okay, but we will never be close because of the distance and because she is really, really opionated, and I don't share her views all of the time (we had several fights about the wedding because she wanted to do things different).
I'm sad because I'm not really close to any of my family. My sister is so self absorbed that she never returns my phone calls when I call, stating that she is always too busy to have a phone conversation. She doesn't reply to emails often either. Todd's brother is married, but his wife is super shy, and even though I try to talk to her when we are together for family get together's, she never really responses.
If anything happened to Todd, I don't know what I would do. I don't really have much of a support system, at least as family is concerned.
Anyway, I'll stop being emo for today
Everyone at work thinks I'm a newlywed, because I didn't feel the need to tell them that we got married twice (first time was September 9, 2005 for insurance reasons, the 2nd time was September 30, 2006, which I consider our 'real' wedding date).
Apparently since I'm a newlywed, I don't know what it's like to be married, and shouldn't talk about my husband.
Several times in the last few weeks when I've brought up Todd in some form or fashion, my boss will add "But she's just a newlywed"
This happened yesterday at book club - we had read "Let's Roll" - which is the story of Todd and Lisa Beamer. Todd Beamer was one of the 9-11 heros who was on the plane that crashed on in the field.
At some point during the discussion, I mentioned that it was hard for me to read the part of the book that took place during and after 9-11, because my husband's name is Todd.
To which my boss said "But she's just a newlywed", to which the other people in the book club just said "Ah" and gave knowing looks.
WTF!!!!
Just because I'm a newlywed I can't not want my husband to die... apparently I can't talk about my husband or marriage until I'm not a newlywed!! I'm sure after October rolls around, it's going to turn into "But she's only been married a year"
GRRRRR!!
Oh, my boss also did insult my marriage. We were at lunch one day not long ago, and we were talking about laundry, when I said that our laundry hadn't merged yet (I feel no need to do Todd's laundry, and I'm sure he feels no need to do mine), and she said "Well, since you don't do your laundry together and you have seperate money, it's like you are not even married."
Again, WTF!!!
So, annoying!!
Actually, I am frumpy. Mostly because I'm too poor to redo my whole wardrobe, I'm chunky, and I'm lazy.
Most of the time, I'm okay with this, because I can throw on a bpal tee, cute pants, and cute shoes, and feel better about myself, and the hubby loves me for me...
But it's been bothering me more lately.
Partly because we have Todd's cousin's wedding to go to in June, and I don't want to look like the frumpy wife - I want to look like the semi-hot newlywed.
Alas, I have no close girlfriends, and the girl who I'm the closest friends with is even more frumpy than I am.
And I don't trust my own judgement - I picked out an outfit for my dad's wedding last June, and looking at the pictures afterwards made me cringe since I looked terribly fat and unattractive
So, now I have about 6 weeks to find an outfit for the wedding in June, and I'm afraid I'll look like crap again.
And don't get me started on my hair - that's been bugging me too.
Any help/advice would be appreciated - I love a new hair cut, but I've been burned by haircuts before, and have no idea what would look good on me. And obviously my taste in clothes is not the best.
Todd and I have decided to start trying for a baby when we get back from Disney
We were going to wait until fall of 2008, but I wanted to start sooner because it might take a while, since we only see each other (and have sex) on the weekends because of our work schedules.
He agreed and last night, he kept trying to convince me to go off my pills like now, which I don't want to do since I don't want to be pregnant for Disney.
I think it's sweet that he's as excited to start for a baby as I am!
But now I have babies on the brain, and now have another reason to wish for fall to come fast!
Everyone is calling today a 'snow day' - but now there isn't any snow - it all was washed away by the 'wintery mix'!
This morning I get up, and look outside - there is a little bit of snow on Todd's but it didn't look icy, so I got dressed and went to work. The roads were fine.
Well, about an hour after I got to work, it started sleeting out, and kept sleeting. In my department, we were debating on what to do (my boss's mom and husband kept calling her, telling her to come home), all the higher ups started paging each other.
People who've been there longer than me (which is just about everyone), said that they were probably going to shut down because of the weather, which they did end up shutting the whole company down.
I nearly fell on my butt leaving work (it is darn icy out there), but the drive home wasn't too bad. I only slipped once, and that was when I was nearing home. The highway wasn't fun though, since semi's kept passing me.
So, it sucks because I only worked 2 hours today, but I'm glad I work for a company that puts the safety of their employees first.
Todd and I keep our money separate, and we have never wanted to merge our money, even after we got married.
Well, I mentioned in my lj yesterday that he had lent me some money for my new glasses, and that got one of my lj friends up in arms.
Apparently we are 'less' married, because when you are married you must have your money combined. The lj friend even went to recommend a book to 'help' us with our problem.
This pissed me off, because our way of dealing with money works for us, and how dare someone who doesn't know us judge?
Well, I posted a pissy vent in one of the lj marriage communities, in which someone responded that she also thought we must merge our money, since marriage is about 2 people becoming 1, and therefore married people must never have separate money.
GRRRR!
I came to a realization yesterday, after emailing back and forth with my sister.
My family is so absorbed in their own lives, that they couldn't give two shits about my wedding (and me).
My sister doesn't want to do anything that will put her out in the least (like sleeping on the floor for one night - the night before my wedding), and thinks that my gameplan for the wedding day is dumb. Oh, and she thinks is stupid to have my MIL be our hair dresser (she's really quite good, and free).
My sister and I have never gotten along, since we are like night and day. She was the one obssessed with popularity in high school, where I was the shy, quiet, geeky girl. My sister has also never grown out of the phase where she thinks she is always right (therefore, I'm always wrong).
My dad changed a lot after my mom died, which is to be expected. Except he changed into someone who is very self-absorbed. He made my life more miserable when my headaches first started, because I was living at home, and he'd wouldn't believe that I was feeling as sick as I did. He'd goad me into fights, even though he'd know that if I got too upset and cried too much, it would trigger a migraine-worthy headache that would land me in the hospital.
He got married in June, and doesn't really bother with me anymore. He'll call if he wants something, but that's it. He'll go with his wife to Philly to visit her daugther (they have done this several times in the last year), but he has yet to come and visit me.
Plus he ditched me when we were moving, to meet his now wife for the first time. That really hurt, because I really needed his help.
I'm not a selfish person. I'd do anything for my friends, but this quality seems to be a rare one, and one that drives people away.
I used to have a group of friends, but they all decided enmasse that they didn't want to be friends with me. Apparently, asking them to call or email once a month or so, so I didn't always have to be the one calling / emailing / visiting was too much for them. I would have done anything for them, because they were my friends, but instead all they did was ditch me and hurt me, and then say horrible things on lj after I said I no longer wanted to be friends with them.
So, for some reason people don't like me. I have two friends now, but we aren't super close. I've really tried to make new friends, but I haven't been sucessful in the least.
Now that I realize that my family really doesn't want that much to do with me either, I have to wonder why I'm such an undesirable person to be around.
When Todd gave me the choice of Vegas or Disney World, the choice was easy. Disney!
I really wanted to go back to Disney World as an adult. I'd been there twice before - once when I was 7, and once when I was 16.
But Todd's been there 4 times (the last time he was about 17), so he always said he didn't want to go back there.
Todd pretty much made my birthday this past year into Todd's Day (he bought a truck for himself, and got a dog I didn't even want on the day we were suppose to celebrate my birthday - he was suppose to plan something special for us to do, and obviously didn't), so I think he wants to make it up to me... so that means I get my trip to Disney World!
We are also going to do something he likes - his favorite wrestling company, TNA, tapes their weekly show at Universal Studios in Florida, so we will be getting tickets to go see that. Plus we plan on spending a day at Universal anyway, since I've never been.
All in all, I'm really excited. It's going to be a wonderful mini-honeymoon.
Unfortunely, my mind always goes to my headaches when I think about doing fun stuff. I will have to make sure I have plenty of time to rest, so I don't get worn out and hurting.
I have good days and bad days when it comes to my headaches. Today is a bad day, because the pain is hard to ignore. It's a cold pack day, and I worry that I don't have enough to get me through the whole day.
Plus, Todd's still sick, so I'll have to go home and do housework, instead of resting myself
I'm flying to Michigan tomorrow... and I'm really getting nervous about it.
The last time I fly was May 2000 when we took our last family vacation to Arizona, so it was before 9/11.
And this is the first time I will be flying by myself.
I'm an adult, and such, but being by myself and flying is starting to freak me out.
I'm afraid that I won't find my gate, I'm afraid I'll miss my flight when I have my layover, and I'm afraid no-one will be there to meet me.
I hope it turns out better than I'm thinking!
I live in haunted house... or more to the point, I pee in a haunted bathroom.
For the first few months we lived in the house, nothing weird happened. It was just a plain ole house.
But a few months ago, I noticed that the bathroom door would swing shut by itself, even if there was no air (like ac or a window open) running through the house. I thought it was rather weird, but didn't think much of it.
Well, it stopped for a while, but started back up again recently. I remarked to Todd that I thought the bathroom was haunted, and he looked at me and said "I was just going to say that."
Luckily, I don't get a bad vibe from the ghost, and he/she doesn't really bother me. Pretty much all he/she does is close the bathroom door.
I have a cat, his name is Star. When we bought our house in February, one of the first things we wanted to do was get pets.
I got Star from a shelter in early March, then Todd brought home a dog the day before my birthday, which is near the end of March. The dog didn't work out, because it ended up biting Todd in the face (and trying to bit me), so Star has been our only pet since March.
Well, in the last week or two, there has been the cutest grey kitten hanging around our house. We think it was someone's pet, and they just let the kitty out, and didn't go after it.
The grey kitty is very friendly, and nearly followed me in the house yesterday. I expressed to Todd last weekend that I would love to 'adopt' the grey kitty, since he needs a home.
Well, last night, I had a nightmare, so I got up to get the nintendo so I could play a bit of Mario before going back to sleep. In the process, I got to talk to Todd for a few minutes, and he said "If you want to bring the grey kitty in, you can".
This surprised me, because Todd isn't really a cat person (though he adores Star), and Star won't be happy in the least if we bring another cat (or pet in general) in the house.
So, I'm not sure what to do.
Since my brain is completely tuned to everything weddings, I thought I would post some pictures of the stuff for my upcoming wedding.
Our engagement picture
Pictures of my dress!
My cake topper
My University of Michigan garter
My guest book
The label I made to put on our bubbles
My invitations
This is what my flowers will look like
The start of my centerpieces
My favors
I fear that I'm not a good person. I don't have very many friends, and those I do have seem to be pulling away from me.
I'm not sure why I have such a hard time making and keeping friends. My whole history of friendships show how people end up not liking me as a friend, and then dumping me.
I just want a couple of good friends that I can call and talk to, or hang out with. I have my husband, and he's great (and I do wonder sometimes how he can stand me), but I only see him on the weekends.
I had really wanted to go to the meet & sniff in SC this weekend, and now it appears that no-one is going. I was really looking forward to it, and now all I have to look forward to is a weekend of lots and lots of cleaning.
I'm sad and I'm lonely, and I'm super stressed out over work and the wedding, and now that my in-laws are coming to visit, I'm stressed about that.
I think I'm becoming a Bridezilla
I keep having wedding related breakdowns, and I just want it to stop!
I snapped at Todd last night, and freaked out when he said that he oops'ed and didn't put a stamp on one of the response cards (I thought he had said 'some').
I really stressed out... there isn't enough time to relax or veg, and since my in-laws are coming to visit over the 4th, I won't have any days off until Labor Day.
I had been looking forward to the 4th, but now I'm not. Originally I had hoped to do all the invitations during the two days we have off, but now I have to be the hostess with the mostess for my in-laws.
It makes me tired and crabby just thinking about it.
The forum is messed up for me and a handful of other people. It's a real chore to try and read anything on the forums, since I have to wade through error screens, and having the forum jump back to the main page.
Because of this, I haven't been around the forums as much as I usually would be, and I'm feeling disconnected from the entire bpal fandom which makes rather sad
I've been missing my mom an awful lot as of late too, which makes me feel sad as well. I think the stress of the wedding, and the fact that it is only 5 months away, is wearing on me.
My very first BPAL love was Hamadryad - I sniffed an imp, and was hooked. It was the first bottle of BPAL I ever had too.
Then the "Great Cleansing of 2005" aka "Mandy had to sell all of her BPAL so she could afford gas to get to work" happened, and that bottle go sold (with the rest of my collection )
And of course, Hamadryad doesn't smell like my first love anymore, and I don't like the new hamadryad (it makes me sneeze )
But I was just looking through the imps my switch witch sent me, and there was an imp of Hamadryad, and I opened it up.
OH SWEET WOODSY GOODNESS!!!
Suddenly I was propelled back in time to the fall of 2004, when I first fell in love with Bpal and Hamadryad.
Now I wish I still had that bottle
I've been really sad this week... overwhemling so.
Wedding planning is hard, especially since my mom is gone, and I don't really have any help in NC. Todd helps when he can, but it's at the stage that he isn't interested in - making favors, getting the invitations ready, and such.
I was looking forward to having the couple days off over the 4th to get some of this wedding stuff done, and now I'm dreading the 4th because my in-laws are coming to visit.
I'm afraid I'll be kicked out of my own bedroom (my in-laws helped us move, and took over our bedroom. The first week of our marriage we couldn't even sleep together!) - I don't sleep well to begin with, but I really don't want to have to sleep on a blow up bed, then have to go to work for 10 + hours, then have to come home to 'entertain'. The very thought makes me want to cry.
I'm really sad that the SC meet and sniff isn't going to happen. I know I shouldn't have gone anyway because of the money, and because of the messy house, but I probably would have gone. I had been looking forward to it for quite a while now
And again, I wish I had friends - girl friends, mostly. I don't have anyone really to blather on about wedding stuff, to come to my fittings with me, to help me with invitations, to watch girly movies, and talk about things only girls can understand.
I miss having a best girl friend... and I even miss the best girl friend I had in college (though she become quite a crappy friend the last couple years of our friendship).
Life is hard... and I really try to keep upbeat (I know, it's hard to tell from my posts), but with feeling sick all the time (my lovely headaches insure that I'm in pain, all day every day) and being so lonely, it's hard to keep happy.
It could be the time of year, but I've been feeling sad and unwanted the last couple of days.
Sadness comes from the fact, mostly, that my dad has sold my childhood home. I'm a little sad that I haven't been there since April 2005, and I won't see it before he sells it. And of course my mom's deathday (and birthday) coming up very soon makes me sad too.
The unwanted comes from wanting to go to various meet and sniffs, but not feeling like anyone really wants me to come.
Of course, not getting enough sleep and having to come to work on a Saturday leads to these feelings as well.
I feel bad that:
I didn't make the picture slideshow on my cousin's Myspace page, and that there are two pictures of my selfish sister on there.
my husband's eBay auctions aren't going to sell.
my kitty loves my husband more than me.
my mom is gone, and lots of people still have theirs.
I tend to go through phases where I'm highly interested in one television show, or one series of books.
Currently, it's 7th Heaven.
My husband had watched it much longer than me, and when we started living together, we'd watch it on and off. This winter though, I started to watch it faithfully every Monday.
I found a used copy of Season 1 at a game store, and it sat on my shelf for a while. I picked it up and started watching it a couple of weeks ago.
I was watching it nearly every day, and I went through Season 1 pretty quick, so I went to eBay to find a copy of Season 2.
I, against my better judgement, bid on a copy, and won, and it arrived yesterday. So, there will be lots of 7th Heaven-ness at my house tonight.
I don't know what I'll do after I finish Season 2 though... Season 3 isn't on DVD yet.
Since my own wedding is 3 months away, my thoughts are pretty much focused on the wedding, and how much crap I still have to do for it.
When I couldn't get to sleep last night, I flipped on the tv, and found the show 'Bridezillas' on which I watched for about 20 minutes.
One of the brides made the comment that 'the wedding is all about the bride, and the groom doesn't matter'.
I'd like to say that it's the first time I've heard that idea, but it's not. I know of several people who felt that way about their own wedding.
Our wedding will be focused not just on me, because honestly it's not just me getting married. It's Todd and I.
Besides, he might get more attention, since he's inviting more people
I did get some wedding stuff done - I got the cloaks for the bridal party ordered yesterday, and I'll get them in a couple of weeks, which is awesome.
This weekend, beyond cleaning, I'm going to get my invitations weighed, so I can buy stamps, so I can start to get those finished.
Since we bought our house in February, I've been itching to have a party. Since Todd's parents are coming up for the 4th, we are hosting our first party, a 4th of July BBQ.
It will be mostly Todd's familly and friends, though it does sound like a couple we are both friends with are probably going to be able to come.
I'm excited, but I'm sad at the same time - going back to my very whiny comment that I wish I had more friends.
I'm not really sure how to make friends anymore. I tried and organized an Asheville meet & sniff, and it was fun, but it didn't lead anywhere in the friendship department.
I'm not sure where someone goes to meet people in their late twenties / early thirties who like some of the same things I do. I'd love to find another gaming group, but I'm not sure where to find those either (I have looked in every comic shop I go into to see if there is anyone looking for gamers to join a game).
I'm at a loss, and I'm sad about it... mostly because the two friends I have in this town (not counting Todd) seem to be distanting themselves from me (of course, this could be my paranoia when it comes to friends).
This is reason I have issues with friends - in my life I've lost (driven away?) two groups of friends.
I'm shy, though less than I used to be. I was painfully shy in my childhood, and so I didn't have a real friend until I was in the 6th grade. Her name was Heather and we were 'best friends' for the middle school years. We even shared a locker throughout high school.
In high school, I began to discover who I am - the weird, geeky girl I am today. And Heather was more interested in being mainstream, a follower. Plus she could only have one good friend at a time. We had a group of friends, and in my senior year of high school, I began to realize how these people were ditching me, and not really my friends.
They'd talk about trips they were going on, right in front of me, but I was never invited. If I wanted to do anything with them, I'd have to be the one to ask, and plan out the details - that got old really fast. I wasn't invested that emotionally with these people, so I decided one day that I didn't need them, and I'd find good friends in college.
And I did - at least I thought I did. I met Sara freshman year in German class, and we became best friends quickly. We had other friends too, and a group formed that there were about 6 or 7 of us by the time we all graduated from college.
I tried really hard to keep in touch, but as time went on they were less and less interested in keeping in touch with me, to the point that I was doing all the work. Unfortunely, I was very much emotionally invested in these people. I loved them like family, and I would have done anything for any of them.
Unfortunely, they all decided (on their own, or as a group - I'm not sure) they didn't want to be my friend, which ended up them all ditching me on my birthday (Birthdays are big deals for me, especially since my mom died - and they knew this).
This started a very hard time for me, because I ended up getting told that I was a horrible person (via livejournal no less), and it was really hard. I knew they weren't good friends, and that I was better off with out them. But it was like losing my entire family - I really did love them.
So, about 6 months after this happened, we moved to NC, and make 2 friends right away. It was nice, but I couldn't seem to make any more friends.
I'm not as whiney and depressing in real life as I am on online (online = venting), so I don't know what the problem is.
I began to think that whatever drove both sets of friends away must be me... but I don't know why I'm so undesirable as a friend.
Anyway, I've rambled enough - if you read this, and have any ideas why I see to be an anti-friend magnet, please let me know.
My first job in the company I currently work in was the best job in the world. I loved it so much, but I was only temping for two ladies who were out on materinty leave.
I bawled on my last day, on the way home from work, because I loved this job so much.
My boss thought I was a great worker and he tried to A) keep me in his department or keep me in the company.
I'm still in the company, but I don't like my current job nearly as much. Plus my boss in the old job was great, and my current boss is too busy to do much of anything besides sit in meetings.
I just got a company wide email that one of the ladies who had a baby is leaving, tomorrow. Since this is the first I've heard of it, I'm guessing that they have someone else taking her place.
I told my old boss that I would come back in a moment's notice, but I guess that's not going to happen.
I sent him an email - to see if her position was filled. I know if I could go back there, I would have a wonderful job, with wonderful co-workers, and I'd be hired in right away.
Because my mindset is of a depressed one, I feel that someone else is already working in her place, and it makes me want to cry. I can't even apply for the posting for her job, because I'm not hired in.
