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Did we all grow up and move to the suburbs?

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My birth story

So, my third child has arrived. We named her Lillian Charlotte, but we are calling her Lily for short. She was born at 1:47 a.m. Sunday, July 8. She weighed 7 lbs 11 oz and was 21 and 1/2 inches long. She has blue eyes and dark hair.   The labor and delivery were pretty harrowing. It all started when I went to the doctor on Friday afternoon (July 6) for a routine non-stress test (this involves reclining on an exam table for about a half hour while hooked up to a monitor that measures uterine contractions and the baby's heartbeat). The doctor didn't like what she saw -- a few decelerations of the heartrate -- and told me to go next door to the hospital as she wanted to start induction immediately, I was sort of freaked, to say the least -- hadn't planned on anything happening until Tuesday, July 10, when my induction was originally scheduled (I didn't even have a bag packed!). We had to scramble to find someone to care for Clarissa and Ethan (ages 5 and 4) over the weekend.   So I went to L&D. They started trying to induce me on Friday afternoon with cervidil (a gel that's supposed to soften and dilate the cervix), because I was only 1 cm dilated and not effaced at all. I didn't get any sleep all night because I was hooked up to so much stuff, including a blood pressure cuff that went off every half hour. They started Pitocin Saturday morning. By Saturday evening it still hadn't "taken" and I hadn't progressed at all. The baby's heartbeat kept dropping so I had the specter of emergency C-section hanging over my head the entire time. It was mega-stressful, and my mood was really low because I was having the kind of birth I didn't want -- one filled with medical interventions. There didn't seem to be anything I could do to prevent this, though. I hadn't anticipated this problem with the baby's heartbeat.   I didn't go into active labor until about 7 p.m. Saturday, when the doctor stopped the Pitocin then restarted it with a new dosage, and she was able to break my bag of waters. Contractions then came on hard and heavy. Got the epidural two hours later. Had to stay in bed the whole time, on oxygen, two separate IVs (one in each arm), internal and external monitors, Foley catheter, etc., lying on my right side because of the heartbeat decelerations. At one point baby's heartbeat dropped so much they had to call the resident to give me an "amniotic infusion" to float the cord a little, because they suspected a cord issue. Then of course the problem was that baby's heartrate went down with each contraction, and that was scary too. The moment when I was finally complete and able to push was such relief, I can't even tell you. The epidural only took on one side but I didn't care -- I pushed her out in about 15 minutes. Turns out she had a HUGE knot in her cord and the cord was wrapped around her neck twice -- that was what was causing the heartrate to drop. The doctor said she'd never seen a cord that long.   They put her on my chest and didn't tell me what she was -- I turned her over myself to see, and was really surprised. "Oh, you're a girl!" Her face was a bit purple from having the cord around her neck, but she pinked up quickly and started crying. I was so happy to see her, and so relieved that we had both made it safely through the birth. I got to hold her for a while, then they took her to the nursery for observation for a few hours (they had to see how her blood sugars were, because of my diabetes). I was transferred to a room -- had to share a room the first night, because the hospital was so crowded, and that sucked because the other people would not turn off their lights or TV so I couldn't get any rest. Later Sunday I did get my own room and that was nice and peaceful.   The earliest I was allowed to go home was Monday night, and I jumped at the opportunity, because I was tired of being in the hospital and I missed Clarissa and Ethan. We got home around 9 p.m. Monday and it seems like I still haven't slept, even though Lily so far is not a difficult baby. She eats and sleeps a lot and isn't very fussy. She kind of has her days and nights mixed up, though, but that's typical for a newborn. We took her for her first doctor appointment this week and she is healthy although a bit jaundiced. My milk came in and my boobs are now Dolly Parton-esque. Lily is a good eater so far and latches on like a champ.   Drop me a PM if you'd like a link to some photos. They are mostly of the labor and birth, although there's nothing bloody or gory. Thanks for reading!
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It's like a bad dream that never ends

I'm not much of a blog/LJ type of person. Never have been. It always seemed so narcissistic and (dare I say it?) juvenile -- the notion that anyone would be interested in the little details of my life, my thoughts, my complaints, what have you.   But there's something different about this community. It has an open, welcoming vibe I haven't found elsewhere. And I admit to being somewhat of a voyeur -- I enjoy reading other people's blogs and getting a peek into their personalities and lives. I'm interested in what makes other people tick. So, why not start a blog of my own, even if I'm the only one who will ever read it?   Right now I'm struggling with a few issues. The first and foremost, all-encompassing thing in my life is my mother's death. I can't seem to stop thinking about it and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. She died April 7. She died that day because it was the day I chose for her to die. I'm an only child and my parents are divorced -- she was in the hospital, being kept alive by a machine, and I alone issued the order to pull the plug. More on that cheerful topic later.   The other thought running through my head is this. When did I become an old has-been? My mother-in-law came to town this week to help out, provide moral support in the aftermath of my bereavement, and along with that offered to watch the kids Friday night so DH and I could go out for dinner. We had a nice meal at P.F. Chang's, then I felt an urge to go to a bar. Ten years ago (I'm 38 now), my social life seemed to center around bars. Meeting friends for drinks, seeing bands play, etc. Life was sort of fun and carefree. But somewhere along the line, that all changed. We walked through the door and instantly I could tell -- everything was different. DH and I were surrounded by twentysomethings who were laughing, drinking, flirting, dancing, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That's just not my life anymore. I wish it were, because it was fun while it lasted. I wish I could be young again. The whole experience had a depressing "This WAS your life" quality, and after two quick beers, we were out of there.   Maybe what it is, is that I'm just afraid of growing old and dying. Like my mother.
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Fingers crossed

Today Greg (my DH) has a job interview. He's probably being interviewed right now as I type this. Please, please let them make him an offer. He's been out of work since November, and our cash flow situation is not good.   This company told him they were in a "hiring frenzy," so I feel I have reason to be hopeful. If he doesn't get this job, he's probably going to have to look for a job -- any old job, purely to bring in some income -- outside his field (he's in a very competitive field), and that will crush his ego.   I'm tired of worrying about money and health care (we are currently paying $1,000 per month to COBRA). I just want things to be settled.   If he can't get a job here in Chicago, he'd like to try his luck in California, which is a much better market for his kind of work. I don't know, though. I've never been to California. Heck, I'm such a sheltered Midwesterner, I've never been west of Iowa. He's also up for a job in Seattle. I think I might prefer Seattle to L.A., if I had to move, but it's hard to say since I haven't been to either place.   Have any of you ever moved across the country for someone else? If so, was it a good choice or a bad one?
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Moving forward

At long last, things seem to be looking up.   DH and I had a nice evening out to celebrate Valentine's Day. On Saturday, we hired a baby-sitter and made reservations for dinner at the Melting Pot. I don't know about you, but I looove fondue. I think it's a fun dining experience, and there really is no yummier way to end a meal than dipping fruit and cake into melted chocolate. Fondue meals take a long time -- we were at the restaurant for about 2.5 hours -- so that gave us plenty of time for conversation. Sometimes during the week we're so busy with the kids, we don't really have time or energy to connect with each other. It's good to feel that we're back on the same page, that we want the same things and we have goals to strive for.   I posted a while ago about DH being out of work. Yes, my Kevin Federline-ish spouse has been unemployed since November 2005. He's done some freelance work in the interim, but it definitely doesn't pay the bills; I've had to make a huge dent in our savings. It appears his ship has finally arrived -- he has two job offers. The only problem is, they're both out of state. There is a local company interested in him; they've interviewed him twice and had him in to do freelance work. If he gets an offer from this company, we can stay where we are, which is our preference. Please send all your positive vibes and thoughts for him to get an offer from the local company.   I'm still employed at the newspaper, still part-time (they wouldn't let me switch to full-time work) but taking on more responsibility. It's not the most dazzling career but I'm realizing how fortunate I am to be employed in the field of my choice, especially given how many publishing companies are laying people off right now.   There are a few situations in my life that still need improvement:   1. I'm a lousy wife. I am not good at cooking and cleaning. I cook maybe one or two nights a week; the rest of the time, it's fast food or Lean Cuisine. I realize this is bad, but I'm just too freakin' tired to cook after working all day, taking care of the kids after work (it's amazing how draining it is to pick up young children from daycare and do the whole dinner, bath, bedtime routine every night -- I just collapse afterwards!), and trying to keep the house somewhat tidy. But despite my efforts, the house always seems to be cluttered or in need of a clean-up; it's a Sisyphean task.   2. I tend not to pay my bills on time, which isn't a good thing. It's not that I don't have the money. I'm just too lazy to sit down and pay them. I've asked DH to take over this task but he's even worse at it than I am.   3. My mom's been dead for nearly a year, but I still miss her so much. So often, a thought crosses my mind that I want to share with her ... then I remember, "Oh, can't call her. She's dead." And it's like a punch in the gut. Nobody ever told me it would be this painful to lose a parent. I've still got this tremendous emptiness in my life where she used to be, and there doesn't seem to be a way to resolve it.   4. I'm spending too much money on "stuff," probably to try to fill this weird emptiness I have. I'm buying books, skincare, magazines, haircare, tea, and all kinds of crap. Never mind that I've been wearing the same four bras for the past 10 years, or that I don't have a pair of decent winter boots -- I'm buying stuff I don't really need, like trial kits of skincare, makeup, etc. I find those purchases more fun than clothing or shoes.   5. I'm eating too much candy and other sugary stuff. I've gained seven pounds in one month. True, I'm pregnant. But there's no reason for me to be eating sour gummy worms like a crazy woman at 11:30 p.m. every night, or scarfing Dunkin Donuts every weekend.   6. I need to be a better friend. I haven't been returning calls or sending birthday cards. It's not that I don't care about these people, who are an important part of my life; I just feel too lazy and lethargic to make calls, set up plans, etc. I'd like to even add some new friends to my life, so why am I doing such a lousy job with the ones I have?   This is what life is all about, though -- there are always problems, always things that need improvement. I'm not going to stress over these things; I'm going to work on being grateful for what I have and making positive changes. Spring seems like a good time of year for this.
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Let's talk about jobs

I've always been something of a late bloomer. I didn't get my period until I was 14. Didn't go on my first date until age 16, didn't lose my virginity until age 17.   So I guess it only follows that my career path wouldn't be as rapid as that of many of my peers. I was supposed to graduate college in 1990. A friend of mine did, and she was offered a job at Arthur Andersen paying $28K a year (back then, that was very good money for an entry-level salary). She eventually moved into the six-digit range and now doesn't even have to work at all -- her husband, who does the same kind of work as she, makes enough money to support them both.   I, on the other hand, hit a few stumbling blocks on the road to yuppie success. I dropped out of college in 1988, worked several dead-end jobs (I still break out in hives at the word "retail"), returned to college in 1992, and finally graduated in 1995 with a B.A. in English literature (useful degree, that!). By 1997 I was finally employed in an entry-level job in my chosen field. I was 29.   Most of the people my age -- and a large percentage of those younger than I --seem to have achieved their career goals and are enjoying a comfortable lifestyle and income. I'm not even sure what my career goal is anymore. In some ways, I've achieved it. I work as a newspaper editor. I come to work around 10 a.m., surf the Net, read the paper, read and correct stuff that other people have written, assign stories and photos, tell the copy desk what stories and files to run on the next day's pages, then I head home around 6 p.m. I do this three days a week, and I get paid for 30 hours. It's not a bad job, and it's much more enjoyable than any other job I've had.   Here's the downside. I don't make a lot of money, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I enjoy having time to spend with my kids, but being part-time is probably going to keep me on the "mommy track" and slow any advancements I might make. The next job up from mine is one that I'm not sure I would even like. I'd have to work 60+ hours a week, no overtime, and the stress level is high.   If you're reading this, I'd love to hear from you. What kind of work do you do? Is it what you want to be doing? Did you follow a traditional or non-traditional career path? What do you hope to be doing in five or 10 years?
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Changing the definition

I miss living in the city. When I lived in Chicago, in Rogers Park, it seemed like I was only a short walk, bus or el ride from fun and good times. Even on nights I chose to stay in my apartment, I had the knowledge that I could be out the door and into a bar, coffeeshop, or other public place within minutes, if I so chose.   Maybe my problem is that I can't accept the reality of my life. I'm a 39-year-old mother of two (with a third on the way). I live in the suburbs; I have a mortgage, a job, and a host of responsibilities. I'll never live that young, carefree, urban lifestyle again. And I find this depressing. Is everything "fun" over? Or do I just have to get used to a new idea of fun? Is the "fun" of my life supposed to center around being a parent and doing family things, instead of hanging out with friends? If so, how do I adjust my perceptions to find that these family activities are "fun" and not just a lot of work?
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Switch Witch Help, 7/13/09

OK, I am not doing well at all keeping up with questions. So what I'm going to do instead is to list stuff that I like and don't like. I may update this list as I think of more things.   LIKES: -Handmade or e-tailer soap of almost any kind. Love Villainess, LUSH; would love to try ones I haven't heard of. Prefer musky, incensey, woodsy or milky/foody scents in soaps. Don't like floral or citrus or fruity or minty scents in soaps. -Candles. Again, woodsy, spicy or foody scents are best. Aromatherapy candles are great. Don't like florals, oceanic, fruity scents. -Incense. LOVE Fred Soll and anything with chunky resins. Also, I am HUGE nag champa fan and I like that brand that comes in the blue box ("sai" something or other) -Body creams/lotions in musky or vanillic scents -Rich, thick hand cream -Lip balm -Dark chocolate (but not uber-dark or bitter -- 55% or so is ideal). Or medium-dark chocolate with other stuff in it. I love Vosges Red Fire bar and Barcelona bar. -Tea, but not anything too minty or fruity -Vintage advertisements, especially for cosmetics -Books and magazines -Things I can share with my kids -Just about anything handmade; someone once sent me a handmade bookmark in a swap and I still have it -Cookies or anything crunchy -NUTS! No nut allergies here. -Organic/boutique skincare lines. My skin is normal/combo or normal/dry. -Anything relating to Miyazaki films or good quality anime -Anything relating to Jane Austen or 18th-19th century British literature -Pottery. Handmade mugs, small bowls or plates, etc., I love that stuff. -A homemade box or pouch to put BPAL in would be a welcome gift.   DON'T LIKE: -CDs. I am not as into music as the average person is. I don't even own an iPod. I rarely listen to anything other than the radio while I'm driving to work. If you do send me a CD, though, I'll listen to it It's just not my most wished-for item. -Bath bombs and scrubs. I rarely use them. -Etailer shampoo and conditioner. My hair is easily damaged so I am pretty careful what I use in it. -Large, colorful jewelry; wire-wrapped pendants, steampunk themed jewelry and the like. I only like subtle, delicate, simple jewelry. -Mineral makeup. I just make a mess of loose powder. -Large hair ornaments. My hair is fine and can't hold most of them. -Possets, HAEE, Haunt or most e-tailer perfume oils. I do wear stuff other than BPAL, but those brands don't appeal to me. I do like Yosh Han and Ava-Luxe. -Tarts. I don't have a tart burner. -Nail polish. It's OK but I rarely wear it. -Fantasy or vampire fiction. It's just not my thing. Sometimes I think I am the only BPALer who *isn't* into Neil Gaiman or the Twilight series! -Hershey's Kisses (or any type of Hershey's chocolate)
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Switch Witch questions as of 6/23/09

So many questions! It's almost intimidating. But I will do my best.   Anyone reading an amazing book right now? ........Not really What socially respsonsible site would you recommend to ALL Witches?.......Can't think of one What is your favorite anime, or if you don't like that what is your favorite animated series? Do you like villians that are funny because they are meant to be, or are you like me and love the villian that just can't seem to get his evil schemes to work?......... I like Miyazaki and I'm open minded to learning more about/watching good quality anime. Tea. How do you feel about it?........ LOVE it. All kinds. Admittedly, I am a bit of a tea snob; I prefer loose tea or whole leaf bagged. would my future witchee like to receive steampunk style jewelry?.......... No, I'm not into steampunk. Does your feline like catnip? ........What cat doesn't? Salt soap bars (soap made with a large quantity of salt, like salt-scrub-in-a-bar)? .......I prefer non-scrubby soaps with smooth lather. Please note, I am a HUGE fan of soap -- homemade, e-tailer, etsy, what have you. Love, love, love it. How would you feel about homemade jelly/jam from home-grown berries? .........Sounds awesome! Homemade dill pickles? Made from cukes, beans, snap peas, baby zucchini? .........That, I could probably live without. I'm not much of a pickle or pickled veggies eater. ***6/22*** Based on Prior Carnivale act prototypes...which one are you truly excited about?........Not sure Would it bother you if you are not the first person to receive the same gift? Imagine a Witch who always sends her favourite book, for example..............That wouldn't bother me. I would love to receive something that is meaningful to my Witch. Pets: What do you have, and do they need/want anything?.........Four cats. They're not fussy about gifts Does anyone play video games? What platform(s)? Are there any new or vintage games you would like?..........Don't play games, but would like to if I could find the time and learn the games. Twilight fans, would you be interested in any products from this Etsy seller? If so, add the items you like to your Etsy favorites and make sure your wishlist is posted somewhere for your witch........Will post a link to my Etsy favorites soon. Are you in need of decanting supplies, wand caps, or other scent-related paraphernalia?...........No, I'm set for now. ***6/20-21*** Are there any single notes (likely non bpal) that anyone is dying to have/try?............Black musk, skin musk net flick or the likes gift subscriptions? A month of Netflicks vs a DvD? .......I have Netflix. Adorable Japanese characters?.......My kids and I are fond of Totoro My fiance sent me an early dvd rip of Coraline that he was given (pretty sure it's not been released yet, but I sometimes have a hard time keeping up) and I was wondering if anyone would like a copy of it?..........Sure! Do you collect dolls or miniatures? What kind? Do you like to get new clothes or items for them?........Nope, not into dolls. If you were to make a seasonal mix CD for this summer, what would you name it?..........I'm embarrassingly out of touch with popular music and don't burn CDs for myself or anyone else. Would you like any recycle/upcycle supplies for your crafting?..........I don't do any crafts right now Is there a program you might have missed or show you love which is gone from the airwaves which might be found (or burned) for you by a Witch?.........No, I'm pretty well covered there Do you play any online games, like World of Warcraft? If so, what server do you play on, what's your character's name, etc.?..........No Would anyone like bath bombs or bath melts scented with one of their favorite Bpal scents? I do these for myself sometimes and find them to be quite enjoyable............OMG, yes! Bath bombs, soaps, creams, shower gels -- would be wonderful, and much appreciated! Would you like homemade cinnamon buns or sticky buns?.........I like homemade goodies but I'm not a big sticky bun/cinnamon roll/coffee cake eater. I'm more into cookies, brownies, cupcakes. Is there anyone here that likes Hello Kitty or any other Sanrio Characters?......I like them but I don't collect them or anything like that. Any non NZ or Aus witchee that I get gets Tim Tams, OK?..........If it's chocolate, I'll eat it! ***6/19*** For non-US witches: is there anything from the US you'd love that you can't get where you live now? How many potential witchees have an iPod, or download MP3s?..........No iPod here. ***6/18*** Are there any of the BPTP bath oils you adore (particularly ones that you cannot get anymore). What about the room sprays?.........I've never tried any. Would love to try any of them except the uber-floral or minty, or citrusy ones. How would you feel about an ultra-girlie shawl or wrap in summer-weight (lace)?........I don't really wear shawls What would you think of hand-dyed items?........Sounds good So, I hear you don't like lacy wraps! How do you feel about hand-knit socks?...........OK! ***6/17*** What kinds of crafts does everyone either enjoy making or enjoy getting? Do you have a certain type of handmade item that you love to collect? Socks, boxes, jewelry, dolls etc?............I like jewelry and boxes. Not into dolls. Clearly, vegans are not into soaps with honey or milk, etc. But, if you're NOT a vegan how would you feel about soaps made with emu oil? Squicked out/concerned about animal cruelty, or willing to try them?.........I'm not a vegan (or even a vegetarian) and I'm not put off by emu oil or other animal products. I eat honey, drink milk, etc. Do not be concerned about offending me in this area!
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Switch Witch Questions as of 6/28

More questions. It's hard to keep up with these!   ***6/28*** Do you wear makeup or nail polish? Need brushes, containers, storage, mani/pedi supplies? ..........I do wear makeup. I don't wear a lot of nail polish. I could use an eyebrow/eyelash comb/brush thingie. What colors and brands do you like? ........Stila, Tarte, Sonia Kashuk, Bobbi Brown, MAC, Clinique, Becca, ...all different brands. I like neutral colors. Do you like shiney hanging porch decorations like windchimes or those things that spin and swirl in the wind? .......No. I don't like the noise of windchimes. Hair adornments? .........pony tail holders Is there any infomercial product you're dying to try even though you know it probably sucks?........OK, don't laugh, but the ShamWow. What are your favorite websites (besides this one, and the online shops you listed in your questionnaire)?.........Makeupalley is one. I can't think of any others off the top of my head. We have so many talented witches and they really need to promote themselves more so, if you made something by hand for a previous witchee or have an etsy store or some other outlet for hand made goods, will you post it here with pictures or links? Or, if you want to brag on a previous witch's talent, this is the place for that as well........None. If you could make your perfect scent (or at least most desired at the moment!) what would be in it? .............Loads and loads of MUSK! So I have a question for the witchees, and hopefully mine will answer as well...In trying to decide what to fix for dinner, I thought that I've received some great recipes from friends (particularly the culinary mastermind that is scotchgrrl). I also have a few great recipes of my own. So would anyone like to receive some original, or very much loved recipes from his/her witch?............I'd love to see my witch's recipes! List things you DO NOT need any more of: .............Knick-knacky stuff. ***6/27*** Is there something that would offend you if you received it in your mail/gift/email)? (as in profanity, a bad words in an email/card/music ... or a card or something with a scantily dressed man/woman pictured on it, crude/immature humor tshirts, etc ...) ............I can't think of anything. I have a pretty lowbrow sense of humor, so I'm hard to offend. What do you like to snack on? ............Sun Chips, nuts, Triscuits, chocolate, cookies, blueberries, scones What is the color scheme you use most when you decorate? ..........I like soft, relaxing colors like lavender, taupe, green. If you have music or DVD's on your wishlist, do you mind getting a burned copy? How about if it is original packaging but previously used? Or do you only want it new?............ Anything is fine. Who is your favorite artist? What are some of your favorite pieces of their work? ..........I love the work of Door County, Wis., artist Margaret Lockwood. If we're talking more famous artists, I like Van Gogh, Magritte, Toulouse-Lautrec. I love vintage advertisements/posters as art. Are you a candles person, incense person, or just a BPTP spritzer for room scents? ..........Candles, big time! Love candles that smell woodsy, foody, or incense-y or aromatherapy/herbal. Love, love, candles of all kinds. Rarely use sprays. Occasionally burn incense (nag champa, amber or cedar are some favorites). What is your favorite latin or faux latiny phrase?.........In vino veritas. ***6/26*** How are you doing for BPAL storage? Need any boxes? ............Yes, always. Is there any place you've visited where you feel like you left your heart there? .........I've only been there once, but I absolutely loved New Orleans. What one item would you just love to have that is made by a Switch Witch? ........I don't know, maybe jewelry or soaps? Or candles? Is your abode a palace covered in fur, a disaster area ,or a neat freaks delight?.............I try to keep it clean but I'm definitely not a neat freak. Are there any phobias you have that you absolutely, positively, do NOT want anything from your witch referencing? .......I don't care for spiders. Are you a good witch or a bad witch? .............A bad witch who wants to be good. What kind of a car do you drive and would you want something you could use in your car? ..........2004 Acura MDX. I don't need anything for it. Do you want to know when you have something coming in the mail, or would you rather it be a complete surprise? .........It would be fun to know something's coming, but surprises are great too. What is your mailbox situation? ...........I live in a house and have my own mailbox. It's not locked or anything, but I live in a safe neighborhood and the mailman leaves packages on my porch all the time with no problem. So, no mail issues to be concerned about.
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rhetorical question

Why did I feel it necessary to drink a bottle and a half of wine tonight? And why didn't I take into account the headache I will surely experience when I am woken up at 7 a.m. by my two children? Woe is me.
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Hallmark card holidays

Does Mother's Day qualify for "Hallmark Card Holiday" status with you? I'm beginning to think it does, for me.   A "Hallmark Card" holiday, in my book, is a holiday that's not good for much else other than raising people's expectations of receiving a card and/or gift. Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day are examples of other such holidays.   Ever since my mother died, I really, really hate Mother's Day. I know I no longer have a mother...I don't need a special day on the calendar to underscore it. *sigh*
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Hi, my name is ____and I'm a basket case

I'm having a really tough time with this grieving process. I know about the stages of grief; I know I'm not going to feel better for a while. But I'm finding it hard to accept that I have to feel this crappy all the time. Plus, I'd like to talk to some other people who know what I'm going through.   So, I'm off this evening to attend a support group called "Adult Loss of a Parent" sponsored by a local hospice organization.   I've never really been the "support group" or 12-step type of person. When I was younger, I attended Adult Children of Alcoholics a few times, but I was weirded out by the prayers and hugging at the end of each meeting. I have a certain level of suspicion/skepticism for people who come up to me with a fervent gleam in their eye and say, "Keep coming back! Keep working the program!" There's something about it that seems cult-like to me.   I also wonder whether I'm really a good candidate for a support group like this. My mom died less than a month ago. The people in this group -- what if their parents died a while ago and they're already beyond the raw, painful stage I'm in? They may be ready to move on. I have to be honest and say there are plenty of days I don't even want to move on. Every day that passes takes me further from the time my mother was alive, and I want to keep her memory close. I don't want to let it go.   But I keep telling myself I have to keep an open mind. And maybe I can learn something from people who have already walked this path. Maybe there's a way to live with the memories without dissolving into a puddle of tears every time I think of her.   But if anyone at this group tries to give me a hug, I may have to punch them.
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Two years

Two years ago today, my mother died.   I guess I'm getting used to her not being here. But I don't know how, or if, I'll ever get over the pain of knowing I can never talk to her again.   Even though our relationship was, at times, bumpy and dysfunctional, she was my mother. She loved me. I will never have another mother. It is a feeling of grief without any cure, without any remedy.
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Thursday, Jan. 3

I've decided to start using this blog as a diary of sorts -- simply recording what I do or what my thoughts are on a given day. I think I was trying to use it as too much of a "creative writing exercise" previously, which is why I rarely posted.   So, today is a cold yet sunny day, and I'm at the office. Just got done having Chinese food for lunch -- kung pao chicken. Kinda greasy, but not bad. I'm trying to avoid overeating in anticipation of starting my weight loss program next week. Not sure if I should go back to Weight Watchers or try Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. I'm not that heavy but I need to drop 20 lbs. of pregnancy weight that doesn't seem to be in a hurry to leave.   I'm wearing my glasses still. I've had to wear glasses since Dec. 12, when the eye doctor gave me a lecture about the condition of my eyes and the need to stay out of contacts. I have severe dry eye syndrome, most likely brought on by overwearing the contacts, and my corneas are irregular. The doctor says they need time to heal. For me it's a real bummer to wear glasses, mainly because my nearsightedness is so severe (which means I have very thick lenses) and, let's face it, I'm vain and I prefer the way I look without glasses.   I'm not looking forward to going home after work today. DH and I had a big argument last night and still aren't speaking to each other. He tends to sulk for several days after a fight; the atmosphere is thick with tension. It's really pleasant to be in that kind of environment. Maybe things will get ironed out tonight -- but maybe not. The house is a mess, too.   I think I'll go make myself a cup of tea and try to think about something pleasant. I need to assign a story to run next Thursday, so perhaps I should get on that. I just hope there's something happening next week that's worth writing about!
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Friday, Jan. 4

I just arranged my first MUA swap in ages. I will be getting a bottle of LUSH Karma, for free! Well, I have to send the other person a bottle of fragrance, but it's something I never wear, so it's a win-win situation.   It's kind of funny -- I have 238 swap tokens at MUA, from my heydey of 2003-2005 when I was really "into" high end and niche fragrances and was swapping, RAOKing and decanting like a madwoman. When I look back on those days, I realize I must have spent at least six hours a week just on swapping, sampling and "maintaining" my collection. For a variety of reasons, I drifted away from MUA in the summer of 2005 and haven't been as interested in (commercial) perfume ever since. It's like the obsession just burned itself out. I became interested in BPAL in 2005 and I've been "into" it ever since, but not to the strange, obsessive degree I was about perfume on MUA.   I used to not be that interested in LUSH but I've changed my mind. I got all kinds of awesome deals at their sale last week; I now have enough soap and bath bombs/bubble bars to keep me clean for the rest of the year. I've discovered their skin care is pretty nice as well; I really like Angels on Bare Skin and Skin's Shangri-La. And the Karma Komba shampoo solid is to die for. It smells great and made my (long-ish, fine and limp, color-treated) hair fluffy, shiny and soft.   Today I'm home with the kids all day; I hope to get some housework done as well and maybe place a DHC order. They're having a sale and I need to pick up a few items. My skin is starting to get that winter dullness/dryness/sensitivity and redness it always does, so it's time for some new products. I'd also like to do some reading; seems like it's been ages since I curled up with a good book, uninterrupted.   I'd like to do something fun this weekend but DH and I are still kind of on the outs. If nothing else, I want to go to dinner at my favorite restaurant and do a little shopping, and I guess I can do that by myself or with a friend if necessary. I'm not sure how the weather will hold up; I wonder if we'll have more snow on the way. A lot of people hate the wintertime in Chicago but I find it tolerable. I'll be sick of it by March, but right now the snow is enough of a novelty that it doesn't bother me much. It's certainly preferable to super-hot temperatures.
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Rainy night in Chicago....

I love the rain, especially at nighttime. There's something so comforting about relaxing in bed with a good book, a cup of hot tea, and listening to the sound of rain falling on the roof. It feels like all is right with the world.   I still can't get over this warm winter weather. It feels more like October than January. I'm not complaining, though.   I'm in a better mood today because I just found out -- I can wear contacts again! Yay! I saw the doctor earlier today. My eyes aren't 100% improved but they're better; good enough to put a lens on. So he ordered me some trials of a new type of lens that's supposed to help retain moisture in the eye (that's just what I need, since my eyes are so dry) and they should be in next week.   DH just got home with Chipotle, so I'm signing off for now. I'm still kinda tweaked at him; I never knew I was such a grudge-holder!
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