Many things are making me both sad and annoyed right now.

First off, people who probably consider themselves to be friends are running roughshod over my business. I have a pair of earrings on perpetual hold (okay, since December) for someone who desperately wants them ...but not enough to put them on lay-away. I keep reminding her that I have them, she keeps telling me that she still wants them, but finances have been tight, things have been hellish ...and then she talks about a cute new outfit that she bought to wear to an upcoming show, which probably cost more than the earrings.

If she had put them on lay-away, and kicked me five bucks with every other paycheck -- certainly less than she spends at the local hangout for coffee, or cigarettes -- she would have had them long before now. And I certainly could have used the $35 more than once since November.

Her boyfriend / fiancee (depending on the week, resident pain-in-her-ass at other times) wants me to make specialty pendants for him and some of his friends, on the basis that they'd "sell like hotcakes". I very much doubt that; even though I mostly agree that TOPY crosses would go over well with the local industrial community, I'm not tying up more money into making something relatively esoteric for people who consistently gripe about how broke they are. The crosses would sit in inventory for six months while they all go "damn, I wish I had the money"; once I get tired of it and scrap them, the same people would gripe about how they were going to buy one.

One of my good friends wanted to commission one for one of these people for his birthday; I roughed out a design, gave her an estimate, and she was supposed to give me a down-payment with her next check. Needless to say, it didn't happen, and she is someone that I consider to be chosen family. Yet, it seems that lately she gets in contact with me only when she wants something; a repair made on a dress because she can't sew worth a damn, to borrow $20 until her next payday even though she knows that I'm self-employed. Her work schedule has been such that we can't really hang out, but she hasn't even called me to check in more than once or twice in the past 2 months. I ran into her this evening; she was on her way home from an interview, and that's the most time we've spent together since May.

I post something that it seems would be at least *hugs* worthy to my LJ, but have no comments. Not even from my SO. Yes, we talked for a couple of hours last night, yes, we'll be seeing each other in 2 weeks, but he made comments in a couple of other people's journals today on relatively frivolous things, and I can't help but feel somewhat ...slighted. It's probably the exhaustion talking, but only partially. Sometimes, I just want a little reassurance, especially from him; and when disturbing dreams keep me up half the night, the want is especially sharp. No e-mails, no comments, and no 5 minute "are you okay" calls.

Sometimes I wonder if I've become such a hermit from work and finances that nobody will notice when I'm not in Denver anymore. Lord knows it's looking that way. People who I thought were at least good acquaintances have dropped off the radar for the most part -- or, rather, I've dropped off of theirs. I'm tired of unanswered phone calls, and I know that while my guy would like me to keep in touch with them since they're his friends as well, he also knows that some of them have been guilty of some damned callous behavior towards me since he moved. And, I think, if he wasn't giving them benefit if the doubt, he'd look back at some of the things that they said to him, supposedly in jest, and realize that there's more to it. It was supposedly a joke when they told him that he couldn't go, even while they were outwardly supporting his furtherance of his education. He couldn't get the PhD in the field that he wanted, not with the department here in its infancy. But these same people have shut me out of their lives, even knowing since Christmas break last year that our relationship has blossomed into something more than the deep friendship that it was. I can only think that he's not readily available for their anger at his "desertion" (in their eyes), whereas I am. And it makes me sad that I can't tell him how they're doing when we talk, because I know that he misses them -- and Home, Denver; the rodina -- terribly.

My social life is most active on IM with my dear friend, chosen sister, and shared brain owner (who is, coincidentally, my SO's ex-girlfriend, and still his dear friend as well. He had hoped that we'd get along well, and I think that we've exceeded his expectations -- but that's another story.) The thing is, she's three-quarters of the way across the continent, and we get to see one another maybe once or twice a year. At least we can keep each other company in our isolation, but it's not the same thing as being able to watch bad movies and drink margaritas together whenever the whim hits.

On the grand scale, life doesn't suck. I have a business that is starting to take off locally -- which gives me hope for what it'll do once I can take it to the 'Net, at least one good friend that I can talk about anything to, a wonderful and affirming relationship, and the distinct possibility of starting the next phase of my life in a whole new city that I'm looking forward to exploring more of before then. Right this second, though, I'm having trouble seeing the forest for the trees.