I made the awful mistake of returning to MySpace after an absence of several months. The MySpace group for my little group of college friends apparently had people flocking to it in droves while I was away, and now it's full of people I knew 15 years ago in college.

Clicked on the picture of a girl who didn't like me because she thought I caused her boyfriend to break up with her. She's gorgeous now. Clicked on the picture of a guy I dated on and off for a few years but lost touch with. He's a damn fine-looking man. Clicked on the picture of a guy who was full of himself and was a dick to me. Still looks like he's a dick. Clicked on the picture of a guy I dated for a couple of years. He's been hitting the gym. He never looked that good when he was with me.

And what do you see if you click on my photo? A dumpy-looking middle-aged woman with a stupid hairstyle who has gained 25 pounds since college and looks like a mess. Niiiiice.

I was feeling pretty embarrassed about the whole thing and ranting about it in an exaggerated fashion to my husband -- he pointed out that it is impossible for everyone I knew in college to be better-looking now than they were then. I know that. It's not everyone. Just everyone I dated. And the girls who were catty to me because I went out with the lovely sensitive goth boys that they were all swooning over. I would not be at all surprised if some of them looked at my photos and thought, "HA! She got fat and ugly. Good."

I usually don't think I look that bad. I think for whatever reason people often tend to be close to people who are more or less at the same level of attractiveness, and in my current circle of RL friends I don't feel out of my league with any of them. But when I was in college, I paid a lot more attention to my appearance. (These days I'm lucky if I'm wearing two shoes from the same pair half the time.) If there was such a thing as a beautiful people goth/skater clique at my university, I was probably in it. Those people wouldn't give me the time of day right now. They don't let you back into the beautiful goth people club if you gain 25 pounds and move to the suburbs.

In a couple of days this probably won't bother me any more, but right now I'm unhappy that I thought I was comfortable with my appearance and where I am in my life right now... and apparently I'm not. Apparently I am embarrassed by it. This revelation is unsettling to me.