About 6yrs ago, my colon died. Kaput! Gave up the ghost. I was left drinking that nasty crap they make you drink before you have a colonoscopy - but I drank it every day just to go once a week so...

My Gastroenterologist was debating on having my colon removed but he decided I needed one more test before the decision was made. The only thing I was told about this test is that it was called a defacography and that it measured my rectal floor pressure - or in laymans terms, how well the shit went down the chute. Thus the term Defacography - a study of defacating - little did I know....

I arrived at the hospital for my test - very happy that, for once, this test didn't involve drinking vile tasting barium enhanced with Hershey's Quick to make it more palatable -ha! like you can disguise the taste of barium - hello?!

I am called for my test and follow the nurse through a hallway draped with plastic and tools all over the place (my hospital was having remodling and construction done) I enter a room that has an xray bed that is upright so you can stand in front of it. I am perplexed to see that there is a 5gallon bucket with a platstic liner in it, and a toilet seat on top of it, in front of the upright xray table.

I change into a lovely hosptial gown, complete with peek-a-boo rear, and I am asked to go sit on the make shift toilet while they take an xray. WTF? I am told it will show my rectal floor at rest. - okay, so that wasn't so bad.....

The xray table was then laid flat and I was asked to lay with my butt facing the doc. He lifts up my gown, exposing my blushing cheeks, and places and round metal piece on my butthole. I am then asked to stand up and squeeze my cheeks together so I don't loose said metal marker while they put the xray table back to horizontal and place makeshift toilet in front of table. I am asked to sit on the toilet thing (all the while keeping the metal thing in place) and they take another xray. At this point, I am thinking to myself, this is pretty ugly, I hope this is the end of the test. Ha! And it gets worse....

The xray table is once again laid flat, I am told to lay down on top of it. The doctor removes the marker. He goes off to get something, and I see him moving the construction worker"s tools out of his way. As he rummages around, I he picks up a calking gun and starts heading in my direction. OMG - the caulking gun is meant for me?! I thought it was part of all the construction but find out that it is one of the defacography dept. tools - I kid you not!

The doctor places a rubber hose on the end of the caulking gun, and in the slot that a tube of caulking material goes? He puts a tube of barium. He tells me to relax (ha! sure!) and he puts the tube up my butt and starts to "caulk" barium up my ass. I am thouroughly disgusted - How much worse can it get? Let me tell you, never ask that question, because, things can definitely get worse!!!!

So, my butt is full of barium and I am once again asked to get off the xray table while they once again place it upright with that damnable makeshift toilet in front. I am asked to sit on it and told - hold it hold it! and then, they start to raise the toilet thing with a remote control and..... drumroll please... for the finale....

The toilet thing I am sitting on is raised into the air. Yep, I am sitting there,barium caulked up my ass, on a stupid 5 gallon bucket with toilet seat attatched and I am about 5 feet in the air - and if that isn't humiliating enough.... an xray video camera is placed on the side of me, aimed at my poop chute. The doctor is standing in front of me - my knees are eye height to him (OMG can I just die now?!) and with video xray camera rolling, I am told to poop out the barium!!!!

Can I just say "OMFGWTHFBBQ?"

Poop out the barium, 5 feet up in the air, xray video cam rolling, my knees eye height with doc and technicians walking around the room? I am thinking to myself, "what kind of sick f*ck goes into this type of medical specialty? " and then I think to myself....

"I need to get a copy of this tape! I could sell it on a porn site for quite a bit of $$ to some weird freak who would probably get off watching an xray video of me pooping out barium." Hey! it's not like my face would be showing or anything!

Anyhow, I can't stop the stuff coming out of my butt - how much freaking barium did he caulk up there ? This is SICK and WRONG!!!!

Finally, the deed is done and I wash up, get dressed and leave -face red with embarassment....