Stories like this always make lyrics from the Marvin Gaye song "Inner City Blues" run through my head -- "Makes me want to holler, throw up both my hands."

I don't know what to say, except that I understand your frustration. It is why I simply stopped talking around my family. I react to what they are saying, if I think it's a subject that I can react to politely and briefly, because I guess someone should have some manners, and it might as well be me. I never start conversations or tell them anything about myself (and they don't ever ask because they're too busy talking about themselves or their other favorite subjects), and generally just stay very quiet. It has turned me into a bit of an enigma, although they'd just say I'm weird and remote, but they rarely stop talking long enough to ask me anything about myself. And if they do, they want a one-sentence answer. I'm sure several of them would tell you that I'm remote and uncaring. I probably am, but coping mechanisms are there for a reason. My poor mother, who has macular degeneration (the "wet" kind, by the way -- the layperson term is grosser than the medical term!) and Alzheimer's, always says to me after family gatherings: "I don't think I ever talked to you or heard you talk today!" (Don't get me wrong -- when she was well, with all her faculties, she was the ringleader of the pack.)

But my take on your in-laws is that they find you intimindatingly smart and if you're on their turf, they're going do whatever it takes, including being rude in weird and contradictory ways, to keep your intellect off their radar screens as much as possible. Look at it this way, it probably tires them out more than it does you!

But my take on your in-laws is that they find you intimindatingly smart and if you're on their turf, they're going do whatever it takes, including being rude in weird and contradictory ways, to keep your intellect off their radar screens as much as possible. Look at it this way, it probably tires them out more than it does you!

Heh heh. Actually I bet they think I'm dumb. Their kids are all off-the-charts smart, and conversations at their house run to the stilted academic side. Heavily. Heaven forbid anyone mention anything even remotely human, like excusing yourself to use the *gasp* bathroom, or being so unfortunate as to have some sort of medical condition. Even talking about LOVE is a no-no. They don't touch or hug each other. Talking about whether my husband and I will have CHILDREN is bad. If it's something you read in a book, something suitably innocuous like the plotline of a fiction book, then it's probably okay. But if it has to do with real human stuff, they don't want to hear about it. It's very odd. I feel like they have no interest at all in me, they are only interested in hearing about what I've read.

You know, I do think that I will eventually become a sort of silent bystander at family get-togethers, like you have. I imagine that if I ever get to become a pathologist, I will never be able to talk about work with them. As far as diseases go, macular degeneration is nowhere near the top of the gross-out list. And if I can't even talk about that, well... One of the reasons I want to be a doctor is to save people's lives, or at least help them live more comfortably and in better health. It seems like that would be something my in-laws would be proud of -- but I'm never going to be able to tell them about it, and they'll never know that I'm pretty damn good at what I do. The one thing they might actually respect about me is one of the things I'm not allowed to talk to them about. That seriously sucks.

/rant off

OMG, you poor baby. I thought I had weird in-laws - okay, I do. I deal with them by telling myself over and over in my mind, ``I pity you and your insecurity.'' This usually keeps me from attempting to choke the living crap out of them.

Also, wine is very, very good.

OMG, you poor baby. I thought I had weird in-laws - okay, I do. I deal with them by telling myself over and over in my mind, ``I pity you and your insecurity.'' This usually keeps me from attempting to choke the living crap out of them.

 

Also, wine is very, very good.

Yes, wine. Mmm. I'll have to smuggle some into their house next time.

Ugh, K. They sound uptight and annoying.

True "good manners" are about making other people feel comfortable and welcome. I hope, at the very least, that you can be yourself and talk freely with your own parents and family, to make up for the stifling atmosphere at the in-laws'.

We need to do another Chicago meet-n-sniff soon!