I think this is just going to be a crappy weekend.

Let me preface this by saying that SAD is totally kicking my ass this winter, far worse than it has in years. That, and it's been a dreadful year in a lot of ways (between having to do hospice care for my grandmother, losing all my friends when I switched majors, relapsing back into my ED and not being able to lose weight fast enough and feeling hopeless for not knowing what the hell I'm doing with my life despite being at the age when I should have graduated). I'm miserable, lonely, always cold, isolated, withdrawn and desperately trying to hold it together.

Anyway. I'm going to be 23 on monday. I have no friends in this godforsaken state to go out with. Even my old friends that I see very rarely are too busy to even bother with me. There's nothing to do. I have no way to get money to go out and treat myself because Wells Fargo conveniently didn't send out my replacement debit card when mine expired at the end of January. It's absolutely freezing. My rent went up. The only good thing was that my mom and dad were going to take me out tomorrow night for Italian food and wine. Well, my dad has decided that he doesn't want to miss a chamber concert (seriously, they go every single weekend) so that's not happening. We can't do it on Sunday night because I have an 8am chemistry exam on monday so I can't drink that night. And to top it all off, I feel revoltingly fat and I still can't do anything about it as my achilles tendon is still sending shooting pains up my leg. I just want to scream.

And I know I'm being whiny and overreacting. I know it. That's why I'm bitching in a blog.

I'm just sick of feeling this isolated and unloved. I don't get what's wrong with me. I want friends in this state. I want a boyfriend who likes me and would surprise me with flowers on my birthday. I want to have my life together. I want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing. And I just don't know anything.