... because usually I only feel bloggy when I'm sad. I have to balance things out!

Today I got to wake up in my own bed, with my dog by my feet. I love my friends & really appreciate them giving me refuge when I need it, but even though their couch/bed is comfy & their kittens are cuddly, there's really nothing like waking up at your own pace in your bed with your dog.

Last night I had a long talk with Jason. At first it was all superficial, "what have you been reading" type of talk, then on to the things that are always there underneath (he didn't want to talk about sad things, which was a change - usually I was the one who didn't want to bring up problems we couldn't do anything about ...). That part of the conversation was long & completely unfun, but I guess better than e-mails. There's anger on both sides, and blame, and lots of things we'll never agree on, but also sadness, and an acknowledgement that it's a bad situation, and no one's trying to make it worse out of spite, and neither of us wants to live in constant hostility. I think he has agreed that Sunday, Wednesday, & Thursday, his new girlfriend won't be coming over (he kept saying how they try to be quiet & unobtrusive when they're here, and I said I don't care. It pains me physically & drives me into a swirl of badness just knowing she's in my house, and I can't be here for that. I'm trying to heal & focus on good things, not wallow in pain all the time!).

My friends are all angry for me, and one of them was trying to urge me to embrace my Inner Bitch, who is sadly stifled. I just can't keep anger going that long because I always start thinking of the other person's point of view & losing faith in my absolute rightness & wanting to be conciliatory, and I also believe anger held onto too long curdles into bitterness & just harms yourself instead of the person it's aimed at. I know I could use some more fire in me. but I'm also happy with who I am - a relatively calm & peaceful person most of the time.

In non-angsty news - the next couple of nights should be fun. Tonight my best friends are taking me to see Rent performed in Fort Worth. I liked the movie okay, but it's my friends favorite musical of a world of musicals she loves, and she's extra-happy about showing it to someone for the first time, so that should be a lot of fun. And then tomorrow is my old college friends birthday party, so I'll get to see an entirely different group of friends & relax & be out of the house for a while without going to the friend's house where I've been hanging out so much lately - I love them for taking me in, but worry that I'm being a burden or taking away their time together and they'll get tired of me, so I'm happy when I can see other friends & give them a night off.

Hmm - that's bordering on angsty again, so anyway. I'm also reading a science fiction novel that's picked up pace & gotten quite interesting - Iron Sunrise by Charles Stross. It's been sitting on my to-read pile for a while, and I'm finally getting around to it. I haven't read a good space-opera-thriller thing in a while, and it's exercising all sorts of dormant brain muscles. Lots of good fun on the train ride to work!