I'm back home. The past week has been very up and down, and very emotional. Below is my release of that.

I flew in Wednesday around noontime. Daddy picked me up at the airport, and we went back to the hospital where my mom was waiting with Grandma. Just seeing Grandma like that...so very sad. I had forgotten just how bad people looked so close to death. Grandma wasn't conscious or aware of much of anything. She had just gotten her morphine for the pain and ativan for agitation. We went to lunch and then came back for a little longer before heading to the house. We talked, and I did little things here and there, but for the most part I felt like we were just waiting for the phone to ring and holding our breath every time it did.

On Thursday, we headed back to the hospital, and Grandma was moved from the heart hospital to the general hospital and placed under "hospice" care. This pretty much just meant that she was terminal and there to be kept comfortable until she died. Thursday was horribly hard for me. Grandma was restless and moaning. She still wasn't very aware of what was going on, but she was notably unhappy. It really tore into me to see her this way. This was when I started wishing for her let go. I felt really horrible to feel that way because I felt that I should be wishing for her stay with us, but there was no hope for her to get better, and she seemed like she was in so much suffering. I wanted that to end and for her to move on to peace.

But she kept holding on...

Friday, I decided I could not handle another hospital visit and that I needed to get some work done. I did put forth a good effort to work, but I feel short only getting about 3 hours done. Instead, I called up a friend from high school and was able to go over to her house to visit with her. It was really good seeing her and her 3 little girls. After a while, I started feeling that need to go home, so I said good bye and headed back to my parents house. When I got there, my parents told me that they had gotten the call.

Grandma had died.

They had all (my Mom's brothers and sisters) and met up at the hospital after a few of them had had an appointment at the funeral home to make sure everything would be ready. Most of them had been there at one time or another over the past few days except one sister. It was shortly after she had left, that Grandma died. We think she was just waiting for her last daughter to come to her, tell her it was alright, and say goodbye.

I didn't start crying. I felt sad, but at the same time, I felt peace for her.

The week of July 4th is always the week that my mom's family goes to the beach for a week, and this year they needed it even more. So that night my parents hurried themselves packing and headed down to Myrtle Beach Saturday morning. I thought the time by myself at the house would help me start grieving, but I still couldn't. I held myself up so tight for the past couple days, that I still couldn't let myself go. I was just numb. I did, however, fell the need to binge out on B&J's ice cream. Saturday night, Sister and Brother-In-Law got in. It was BIL's birthday - poor guy.

Sunday, just existed, I don't really remember doing much. Today though was the visitation and funeral.

Grandma was all dressed up and looked quiet and sleeping. Under the nice outfit that she had worn at Sister's wedding was a red t-shirt. My little cousins had bought that shirt for her a few weeks back at Disney world. Grandma was in the hospital then, so they just showed it to her, and she was never able to wear it. At the visitation, I was still very numb. It came in little waves, but the big stuff was still being held back somewhere deep inside. We stood around and talked. I was able to see a few relatives that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was at the end of the visitation that it hit me.

I was standing outside waiting for Grandma to be moved to the awaiting hearse for the precession to the grave site. I was looking in the door and saw two men from the funeral home rolling the casket down the hall. All of the sudden it hit me. It was my Grandma, and she was being taken away. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I wanted to run to the casket and tell them to get away from my Grandma. She was mine, and they couldn't take her away from me. I want to scream out to her that I loved her and that I didn't want to lose her. Daddy must have seen whatever it was snap inside of me. He had gone to put something in the car, and I was just standing by myself. All I know is that all of the sudden he was by my side holding me as I just sobbed. My Grandma was gone. They were taking her away from me.

I watched as they put her in the hearse, and then we got into the car. I started crying again as we drove down the streets of Camden. At the first intersection, a cop car sat to block traffic, and the officer was standing next to it with his hat over his heart in tribute to our loss. It was very touching to see each of the cops doing this as we made our way through town.

The grave site funeral was short and very catholic. Afterwards, we talked so me more. Grandma is now resting next to Granddad, who died a little over 20 years ago.

I am still breaking out into tears every now and then. I'm really going to miss her. I imagine it'll be really hard this Christmas when she isn't there, and we aren't at her house. It is good that my family have this week at the beach together. I think it will help them grieve together and heel together.