On 11/29, I woke up at 3 am feeling odd. Not in pain, but I just felt something. I went to the bathroom and I had bloody show, slightly. Now, according to the midwife and all the books I have, that means labor is on it's way - but usually not in any hurry. I decided to stay up, since I wake at 4am anyway for work, and see what happened. Nothing much did. By the time I left for work, I was having contractions, buyt they were of a Braxton-Hicks type. On the ride into work, they got stronger - feeling like menstural cramps. They were very regular, about every 10 minutes, but very short duration. I thought nothing of it, because my best friend gave birth on the 20th, after weeks of similar symptoms. I figuired that I had a day at least, if not more.

At 7 am I called my midwife and doula to let them know what was going on. By that point, the cramps were getting a little uncomfy, but still nothing at all bad. Both of them said that it would likely be a very long while, and just keep them in the loop. Wendi (midwife) said to leave work when I started getting distracted, or after a half day so I could rest before labor really got going. At 8 am, I decided that I would leave at 9, since things were really going places. Still no pain, but each hour there was a very noticiable increase in intensity, and since I live an hour from work I did not want to get stuck someplace.

I left at 9 and and my parents drove me home. I kept trying to call my husband, but the phone just rang and rang - I was not pleased. He knew about the show, and knew we were on baby watch that day - so why was his phone off? I ended up having to call other people in his company to track him down -he was working at a different account that day and it was in a dead zone for cells. We chatted, and he like my midwife and doula thought it would be hours and hours before anything real started happening, so he did not leave work. It's funny - I knew that I was on my way, but since this was my first time I didn't want to be silly and insistent. So I let other people tell me it would take a long time, and I did not make them come to me when I needed them. I did not want to be a silly needy 1st time mom who thinks she's in active labor and then has the baby 48 hours later.

We arrived at my house shortly after 10, and by that point I was truly in labor. I was very distracted, and could no longer talk through the contractions. Agian, not painful, but uncomfy. We got home and I desperately needed to go to the bathroom, but my father had my car. With my keys. And the garage door opener. And he was nowhere in sight. Turns out he stopped for Starbucks! STARBUCKS! Can you believe it? Just as my mom and I were driving away to find a bathroom, he rolled up. If I was not so in need of the facilities, he would have been in trouble. I sorted out the bed, with the waterproof tarp and the extra sheets, and tried to settle down for a nap. I laid down and it was instantly wrong. So complely uncomfortable, and wrong. I gave up on sleep, and sat on my birth ball. Ahhhh. Instant releif. I again called my midwife, and she asked if I wanted Stephaine, the assistant, to come over. Hell Yes! A few minutes after that call, my water broke. Good times. It broke over a series of contractions - not a huge gush, more like I wet myself repeatedly. It's funny how little you care about stuff like that in the moment. All over the bathroom floor? We'll deal with it later. Wiped it up with my good towels? Eh, I'll buy more some other time.

Bryan arrived just before noon, and even though I do not remember it being an event, my mother said labor really amped up then. I was very relaxed and very happy to see him. He has the most wonderful look on his face. Fear, excitement, awe, love. He was so visibly moved, and so tender with me. He tried to caress me, but he's a chef - and he stank to high heaven of food. I made him shower before he could touch me. I remember the early moments with him - he was so adorable. He did everything right, perfectly.

A little after that, Stephanie arrived and checked me. 5 cm, 100% effaced. On the video, you can see her leaving the bathroom and texting like mad with this "holy crap" look on her face. Now, my mom had very fast labors, and I told them all about that - but still, no one really expects a 1st timer to be so aggressive. Especially since I was only moaning and such. It did not hurt, it was just crampy and uncomfortable. An hour later, I started making different noises - the gutteral grunting that is a red flag for pushing time. Sure enough, I was there - but nobody else was! Stephanie did have all the emergency equipment, but all the other midwives and the doula had yet to show up. They got there about 30 min later, after much speeding, just in time for my pushing.

I remember asking Stephanie if I was in transition yet, and she laughed and said I was already past it, and that it was time to see my baby. Whoo! I was so worried about transition, but mine flew by so fast. I do remember a time when I wanted to give up, but I was just so tired and it seemed like there was no break between contractions. They had gotten to a somewhat painful point, but pain is such a wrong word for it. It was not a hurt feeling, just a full-body intensity. Sort of like if you have multiple orgasms, and the point when you have to make it stop because you body is just short-circuiting. It was very much like that - just too much sensation, but not pain. It was exhausting. During that part, I remember wanting to ask for my mommy. I wanted someone to make it stop so I could rest. But every time I opened my mouth to cry, I stopped. I thought "no, you must go forward". I see on the video that I was not 100% successful - there were some moments of sobbing and saying that I didn't want to go on - but overall it was not too bad. It was just the most tiring thing ever.

I moved all over the place - toilet, ball, floor. At one point, they asked me to get up on the bed, thinking it might be a good position for me. Oh my god, no. I see why labor is painful for so many women. I was on my side on the bed, and that hurt. It was awful. I had to ride through one contraction like that, and then I scrambled back down to the floor and leaned againt my husband in a squat. Instantly better. It is SO important that a woman be allowed to move durinbg labor - I truly had a nearly painless experience, and it was because I could let my body lead me.

Another thing that helped was my mental state. I was very well prepared to birth this baby, I had no fear. At one point, Stephanie said "open up for your baby", and afterthat during a contraction I just said "open, open, open" and I did. Everyone was saying how strong I was, how powerful I was. I kept saying "thank you". Bryan thought it was funny, and asked why. It was because it was more polite than saing "I know". I felt all the power, I knew I was doing an amazing job. It was incredibly hard work, but I knew everything was flowing through me just as it should. And whenever someone said that I was so strong, Bryan nearly cried. Every time. He was so in awe and so proud.

When it came time to push, I faltered a little. I never felt the urge to push at all. I gave a few attempts, but they were little and like pooping - not going to get the baby out. Stephanie applied some pressure to give me a target sensation, and after that we were rocking. I thought the contractions were tiring, but pushing was worse. Since I never felt the urge, pushing did not come as a relief. I also did not get any break from transition to the pushing stage - I think there was maybe 10 min of calm between the stages. Steph really had to talk me throuhg it - and it was really funny. At one point she's telling me to push push push, and I broke out of my labor bubble at said "I got nothing" totally in my normal voice, just stating there was no contraction. Pointless. And then a few secons later I say "Here we go!" and give a massive crowning push.

I was prepared for a ring of fire, and Steph said "you'll feel streching and burning" but I only felt the stretch. It was not bad at all. Intense, but I was braced for much worse. The crown was easy, but the face - oh, how odd did that feel! His bumpy little nose coming out - so strange. I did not like that.

After the head, I thought I was done. I thought one more easy push and his body would slide right out. Wrong. Shoulders. How awful! Now, that is the part that hurt. I did not want to push, so I was a little PO'ed, and then it was like another head when I expected easy slide. I screamed for the shoulders - it was hard work to push him out! I think that's the point where I tore as well - I had a very minoir tear on my labia of all random things. Better that then the perineum though!

Bryan caught the baby, and gave him to me. We were both in such shock. I thought we'd cry, but we were both struck completely dumb. I looked at my boy's face, but nothing else. I was scared to examine him. Later, when he was weighed and all, I asked the midwives if he was ok - and he was. Phew. Then I looked him over. It took a while before I connected with the baby - not in a strange depressing way, but I thought that I'd be filled with this huge love right away, and I wasn't. I was a bit empty. I did love my little boy, but I was so shocked! I felt a little detached at first. Very hazy. It took a few hours before I came back to myself and started processing things again.

That emptyness was very scary. I see how women go into post-partum depression. During pregnancy, I had an amazing sense of creative power. I felt fertile and glorious. During labor and delivery, I felt a terrifying power run through me. It was amazing, but extremely scary looking back. I was very aware after he was out that the power that birthed him could easily have been the death of us both. If you resist and fight the power of birth, it can be destructive. I did not fight it, and during labor I felt connefted to the force, but when it was gone I felt drained and empty. Like a huge storm had swept through me. I felt extremely small and vulnerable, and scared. I started thinking about the aches and pains, and the body that had been so strong for 9 months felt broken. It was very difficult. But that night, as I was falling asleep, I started to process all those feelings. After I thought about the fertile goddess feeling and the powerful birth/death force of nature, I thought about the triple goddess concept. And even though I was never very religios, it truly helped. I realized that I was not emptied out by that force - not at all. It's just that what was in me now was quieter, gentler. I was now filled with healing. The aches were not evidence of injury, but of my body knitting back together. I pictured myself being cradled in the arms of Motherhood just as I was cradling my infant son. Then, everything fell into place. I felt myself become a mother, and I was able to sleep and be calm.

Now it's 2 weeks later, and we're all getting the hang of life as a family. The first few days were tough - I thought breastfeeding would be a simple matter that would come just as naturally as everything else did. Nope. I tried to feed Finn, but he did not seem interested - he'd suck a little and then fuss, and then sleep. The first full day, he slept for a very long time - he had no energy to wake up. Stephaine showed me how to latch, and we started feeding. But it was hard the first day, and I was upset and so was baby. It took a few days before we got the hang of it. Both Finn and I had to learn what to do - but once we got it, it was wonderful.

Now, he's still a big sleeper. His usual routine is to drain both breasts and then top himself off on a third go, then sleep for a long time. 3-5 hours at a stretch! I was terrified about that, because that first day, they said do not let him sleep that long - but that was because he had not fed well yet. Now, I let him stay asleep. I found out that if a worried mommy wakes him up, Finn gets very very cranky. It's really helpful though- we all get a pretty full night of sleep, and I have the time to shower and do chores and nap if I want to. He is such a wonderful baby!

Finally, our midwife loaned us the best video every - "The Happiest Baby on the Block". It teaches you how to calm an upset newborn, and it is like magic. I was already doing a few of those naturally, but swaddling was tricky. Finn loves to be swaddled, but I could never get it to stay put - the video shows you exactly how to do the wrap. Now we all sleep in the same bed and nobody fusses! And the one time Finn got truly horribly upset (we had to wake him up and put him in a carseat - angry baby!) I was able to hush him back to sleep within 10 min. Amazing.

Finn and his daddy are the best things that have ever happened to me. I am loving motherhood!