Well, yesterday was my 38th birthday and it was the saddest birthday I've ever had. Let me explain....

My beloved best friend, my golden retriever Max, my boy, passed away 4 weeks ago on 19th April, aged 3 years old. Although we don't know for certain what happened, the vet suspects that it was either a massive heart attack, an aneurism or a huge epileptic fit (although he had never suffered any heart problems or epilepsy prior to his passing). It all happened so suddenly. One minute we were playing outside, the next he went inside, I followed and within 20 - 30 seconds he was gone. Just like that. Although I gave him heart massage and mouth to mouth, the poor soul passed away very quickly and it has haunted me since.

You see, my boy wasn't just a dog to me. I have no desire to have children, so he was my child, my best friend, my confidante. I didn't just love him, I was in love with him (although not in any seedy kind of way, I just loved him to bits). His passing has left me confused, crushed and completely and utterly heartbroken. The world seems totally different and everything appears to be flat and two dimensional. In an instant, the world changed for me.

So you'll understand why my birthday was the saddest I've ever had. Usually my boyfriend and mum humour me by writing a card from Max and from my bunnies, but yesterday the card was only from my bunnies.

I am currently waiting for the patter of tiny paws from a mating of Max's dad and aunt, but no puppy will ever replace my boy. He was the most special, loving, loyal, gentle, kind and handsome boy anyone could ever ask for and his mummy was, and still is, so proud of him.

I hope my baby is at peace now and knows that I love and miss him more than any number of words could ever express. Although I have cried for him every day since his passing, should I cry every day until I die no amount of tears could ever be enough for such a wonderful boy.

Sorry for this depressing and sad blog, but it's how I'm feeling.

Max 30-11-2004 to 19-04-2008