This is BPAL. We love long, rambling stories as long as we get to sniff lovely things at the end, right? So, buckle in.

(This isn't either too long or too rambling, but be forewarned that I do tend to trend towards both of those things.)

About 8 years ago, my husband and daughter both tried to die on the same day - she swallowed a quarter which got stuck in her clavicle and that also needed to be surgically removed under full anesthesia, and his tonsillectomy scab fell off while we were in the Children's Hospital ER. Both of them were gushing blood from their noses and/or throats within mere hours of each other, and I'm a useless fainter in the presence of gore. Luckily, we were in a hospital and the surgeon who did husband's tonsillectomy was in residence. They both lived (yay!)...

... but I started having anxiety attacks the very next month due to a combination of preexisting mental instability and worsening physical health problems, which somehow combined with the PTSD from that day to give me agoraphobia (Monty Python and the Unenthusiastic yay). I overcompensated for some time after that by attempting to use perfume, makeup, and bath and body products as a sort of "shield" to give me confidence against the outside world. It backfired spectacularly, and those products actually ended up triggering more attacks just by using them as my brain eventually made the links from "using products" to "going outside" and finally to "melting down". I gradually stopped buying anything other than what I could use up quickly, my "holy grail" products (basically the ones that didn't cause attacks), and the occasional little present with scent notes I already knew that I liked here and there; birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, tax return splurges. I stopped frequenting the websites and forums related to those products to prevent impulse buys. I stopped hanging out with people I genuinely care for because I associated them with those products.

(If you're one of my old BPAL friends, first of all, my most sincere apologies for shutting you out. I did it to everyone outside of the literally inescapable immediate family members. So, shoot me a message! I'd love to know how you're doing lately!)

That's the long and boring tale of my hoard. I'm trying to reclaim my life recently, as much as I can. Little by little, day by day, let's make some progress together!