spanishviolet

Clary sage is specifically mentioned in the description for Wulric the Wolfman: cocoa absolute, French vanilla, birch tar, lavender, bourbon vetiver, wild musk, clary sage, and cistus. I'm not actually sure what clary sage smells like by itself, so I can't say how strong its influence is in the blend. Whether you like it probably depends on if you like the idea of lavender/cocoa - I loved it myself.

I forgot my ex-boyfriend's birthday was the 3rd. Now I feel oddly guilty ... We had friendly conversations over the weekend, then he got angry Monday over an issue with the other roommate (he was trying to put me in the middle of their dispute again, and I was thinking how much I don't miss feeling like I have to put up with his emotional manipulation). So yesterday we exchanged irritable messages, and I didn't say happy birthday or anything - because I totally forgot until 2 am the next day ... I know it makes no sense to feel guilty. But it kind of points out how much things have changed in an uncomfortable way. Anyway, I've been feeling good this week. All ready for my fresh start - my card of the day the other day was The Fool. Exciting beginnings! Spring is the perfect time for that (although it feels like it's practically over already. 80 degrees today - bleah).

I must have weird chemistry, because I can't believe other people don't seem to be loving this as much as I do. On me it's a lightly chocolate-cherry-spice at first, and after a while it becomes a cocoa-cardamom musk. Then that dry foody musk lasts all day. Nothing lasts all day on me, but this does. And I love it! What are the chances of those two events coinciding? Spicy sexy foody musk.

... because usually I only feel bloggy when I'm sad. I have to balance things out! Today I got to wake up in my own bed, with my dog by my feet. I love my friends & really appreciate them giving me refuge when I need it, but even though their couch/bed is comfy & their kittens are cuddly, there's really nothing like waking up at your own pace in your bed with your dog. Last night I had a long talk with Jason. At first it was all superficial, "what have you been reading" type of talk, then on to the things that are always there underneath (he didn't want to talk about sad things, which was a change - usually I was the one who didn't want to bring up problems we couldn't do anything about ...). That part of the conversation was long & completely unfun, but I guess better than e-mails. There's anger on both sides, and blame, and lots of things we'll never agree on, but also sadness, and an acknowledgement that it's a bad situation, and no one's trying to make it worse out of spite, and neither of us wants to live in constant hostility. I think he has agreed that Sunday, Wednesday, & Thursday, his new girlfriend won't be coming over (he kept saying how they try to be quiet & unobtrusive when they're here, and I said I don't care. It pains me physically & drives me into a swirl of badness just knowing she's in my house, and I can't be here for that. I'm trying to heal & focus on good things, not wallow in pain all the time!). My friends are all angry for me, and one of them was trying to urge me to embrace my Inner Bitch, who is sadly stifled. I just can't keep anger going that long because I always start thinking of the other person's point of view & losing faith in my absolute rightness & wanting to be conciliatory, and I also believe anger held onto too long curdles into bitterness & just harms yourself instead of the person it's aimed at. I know I could use some more fire in me. but I'm also happy with who I am - a relatively calm & peaceful person most of the time. In non-angsty news - the next couple of nights should be fun. Tonight my best friends are taking me to see Rent performed in Fort Worth. I liked the movie okay, but it's my friends favorite musical of a world of musicals she loves, and she's extra-happy about showing it to someone for the first time, so that should be a lot of fun. And then tomorrow is my old college friends birthday party, so I'll get to see an entirely different group of friends & relax & be out of the house for a while without going to the friend's house where I've been hanging out so much lately - I love them for taking me in, but worry that I'm being a burden or taking away their time together and they'll get tired of me, so I'm happy when I can see other friends & give them a night off. Hmm - that's bordering on angsty again, so anyway. I'm also reading a science fiction novel that's picked up pace & gotten quite interesting - Iron Sunrise by Charles Stross. It's been sitting on my to-read pile for a while, and I'm finally getting around to it. I haven't read a good space-opera-thriller thing in a while, and it's exercising all sorts of dormant brain muscles. Lots of good fun on the train ride to work!

Thanks! And you raise a good point. Repressing used to be my method for dealing with everything, till it got to be too much strain. These days I'm experimenting with the whole "Let yourself work through your feelings at a natural pace" - feelings suck sometimes! I don't think I'm repressing too much here though - I've learned (once again) that he does not think as Normal, Considerate People do, and I made my list of all the ways I'm better off without him, and I know I'm angry at him for giving up on us & then still wanting to be friends right away without listening to me when I said I needed space, and of course the new girlfriend thing, and all manner of other things ... But until that lease is up in June, I just want to do whatever results in the least amount of daily crappiness ... sigh. The train is actually pretty cool. Much speedier than buses, and riding it makes me feel like a Grown-up Urban Type. Plus the stop is just a block from my new store!

So this weekend Jason brought his new girlfriend (the one he dumped me for, who by now I have no problem hating) over to the house we share. I was standing in my pajamas making coffee in the kitchen when they arrived, and ran & hid in my room for a little while - but his room is just the other side of my bathroom wall. So our other roommate, my best friend for ten years, took me out & we had a nice day at the park & seeing a movie (Music & Lyrics - it was cute, Hugh Grant is aging well). Since then Jason & I have exchanged some e-mails. He thinks it's selfish of me not to consider how they have nowhere to go (they can't go to her place because her ex-fiance that she dumped for Jason lives there) & can't relax & watch movies together. And yet he wants to be friends, he says, because he thinks of me as his best friend & I was everything he wanted except for not enough sex. Which I did try to work on, & we were doing better, but he gave up on us so it doesn't matter. Nothing I did was good enough for him, and I'm better off without him. And apparently he's an ass who expects me to be just fine with him bringing over my replacement & making lattes for her like he used to for me, & doing everything we used to do, here. Last night I was over at my friends place, and I felt all philosophical & accepting & thankful for all the wonderful blessings in my life & ready to move on. Then I got home this morning, and they were here, & I hid downstairs & fell apart & wanted to die. And he's not even worth it! I may end up camping out on friends' couches until the end of June (lease ends) after all. I'll just have to figure out transportation & try to make it up to them for being such a burden.

I can't imagine why she wants to come there either. My stuff is still scattered all around in there because I haven't had anywhere to put it. I think I'll box it up this week or next when they're not around & stuff it somewhere, just so I can make some visible progress. I can't control what he does & he seems unwilling to listen ... All I can really control is my own actions. I don't know. This is all confusing & I can only think one day ahead at a time, and for right now, that day involves sleeping on a couch at my wonderful friend's apartment.

I get the impression she doesn't care about her ex's feelings at all (from some sad messages he sent me), but that she doesn't have a tv in her room. They're both terrible people and I wish the idea of karma provided some solace ...

A few years ago I made myself really sick one day by indulging in donuts, Cokes, & chips at a work event. I thought I'd learned my lesson & had been avoiding big confluences of sugary foods. But Friday was the last day of work at our store (we closed a week ago, and spent this last week packing things up to return), and for lunch we had pizza & Cokes & birthday cake for two people who turned 21 that day. Since it was so dusty when we were pulling apart the registers & packing them away, I had two full-sugar Cokes after we ran out of diet. Then that evening when I was out having a birthday dinner with one of the coworkers, I had a strawberry margarita, & blam! The sugar & the alcohol brought on a major hypoglycemic attack - I fought off sleep & nausea until I was able to get home, where I spent the rest of the night alternating between passed out & feverishly cold, & throwing up everything I ever ate. That was two days ago, and still no food looks good. Fruit might be okay ... I should go buy an apple tomorrow. The store closing has also contributed to general crappiness. I cleaned out six and a half years of debris from my locker (more tea than could be believed). Wherever the lockers go after the fixtures are auctioned off, they will have a BPAL Trading Post sticker attached ... But in general, I am backsliding. I was doing fairly well with the breaking-up thing, but being in the same house is just too much. How can he be so happy with someone else already? He was so easy to talk to, and I miss that, even though he was often mean. He was also my experiment in being open & trusting, which comes hard to me. I can't imagine trusting anyone ever again. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to eat again, & things will seem better.

I was hoping for the lavendery one, but this was a close second hope, and I'm so glad I got this instead! It is so beautifully old-fashioned, so lightly floral with the balance of pear juice ... It's me in a bottle! (But nicer ...) I haven't identified this strongly with a scent right out of the box since Bearded Lady. It does fade a little quickly on me, but I have a scent locket & I'm not afraid to use it!

I've always thought Valentine's Day was stupid, even before I started working in retail. Which helps when you have no one special to spend it with. I bought myself some dark chocolate squares with caramel filling at work (50% off!), though I haven't eaten any yet. Talked to the roommate for a while (she gave me some of her Girl Scout Samoa cookies - true friendship!), surfed online, & watched Office Season 2 on DVD, which was fun. Still being awake to hear the ex come home at 4:30 am after spending Valentine's Day in Denton with the new girlfriend he took up with immediately after breaking up with me three weeks ago? Not so much fun. Bleah. That did puncture my hard-won feeling of peace & hopefulness that had finally come over me this week. No worries, though. I went to the eye doctor today (to use my insurance in case I leave Borders & it runs out next month) & will be getting contacts & new glasses soon. The glasses guy seems very pro-plastic frames, anti-metal. I did end up getting plastic frames, but the black or heavy-framed ones he picked out at first were all rejected. It takes a certain force of personality to take something from gaudy or ugly to adventurous & fun, & I don't think I have that. I'm all about the subtle ... I liked the ones I chose, even if they weren't a bold statement. And soon I'll be seeing better, because my prescription has changed some. Yay for better vision!

Seven years? You go to the eye doctor like I do to the dentist. I have dental insurance too & should probably try to use it (a cleaning is probably in order), but I haven't been since I got my wisdom teeth taken out, sometime in college.

I was a bit worried about that too - part of me wanted to ask him for some cool colored frames like a friend got, but even the mild colors he brought out sort of took over my face, and I kind of like my face & don't want it to be hidden away all the time! This living in the same house business does really suck, but I've been spending a lot of time at friends' places, and so has he, so we've been able to get by so far. Just this week I've actually started to feel better - my appetite has even returned! - and we've had a few strained but friendly conversations. So we'll probably end up in a situation like you describe eventually ... I always feel like I'm boring the glasses guy by taking too long, but how am I supposed to make such an important decision so quickly? I'll have the ramifications on my face for at least two years! (I should maybe try for annual from now on ...) All the black frames he picked out looked like they were supposed to be cool & ironic, but on me looked frumpy & geekish (don't need any help in that direction, thanks!). So I'll never make it as a hipster! And my glasses always slide down anyway - my friends tease me about peering over them like stereotypical-library-lady. So at least with the plastic ones I won't have to worry about the little nose pads falling off all the time ...

Heh! Makes me want to go watch the Office ... *sends peaceful Zen energy your way*

I've been turning to my paper journal lately more than my blogs, because it seems like all I have in my head is inchoate gloominess and blah-blah-I-miss-my-Jason-even-though-he-sucks. I bore me, why bore everyone else? But also, when I write in my paper journal, I get to use my two fountain pens, and that always cheers me up some by itself. Things have actually been getting a little better. At work things haven't changed too much yet - we've started telling customers the store is closing, and most of them want to know when stuff goes on sale (not till the 11th). A fair number also seem sad - the regulars, the people who were so happy to have a bookstore in their neighborhood. Apparently Richardson is not meant to have a convenient bookstore, because they all close due to lack of money-making. Coworkers are all figuring out who's transferring where. I've started seriously thinking about moving to Boise & living near my sister & niece. My friends have offered me places to stay for a few months so I can get out of the house with Jason (complicated a bit by my adorable but overly-furry and accident prone dog) & suggested I pass my resume on to them. I need to make one now - it's like writing papers when I was in college, I seem to have this weird mental block. But it's got to be done, and I will do it this afternoon! *determined face*

So, the Sunday before last, Jason broke up with me. Two and a half years and we're done. I moved into the other room, but we still live in the same house. That's been interesting so far. I'm trying to resist the temptation to talk to him because whenever I do, I end up in my room sobbing my heart out. When I don't, I am beginning to have moments of okay here & there, and seeing how things can be better. But. Today I got to work and was told that the store where I've worked for the last six and a half years will be closing at the end of the month. I've got to decide what to do & where to go. I love that store. Everyone there is like a family. A family with 26 days left before everyone scatters to the winds. Plus now I can't check out books anymore. Do I transfer to another store & try to figure out new bus schedules? Do I use friend connections to get a job at Starbucks & maybe find a car with six weeks of severance pay? Do I try to find an office job in the area (because really I think I'd like one, maybe I could even work at a nearby Borders on the weekends & try to pay down my debt some)? Do I take this as a sign from the universe that I need a whole new beginning & should do something drastic like move to Boise (where my sister lives) & leave all my roots & beloved friends behind? (My father was in the Air Force - I never had roots or lived anywhere longer than three years before I moved up here for college. Plus, meeting new people is scary at any age, let alone now when there's no easy to to do it ...) Feeling a little overwhelmed and panicky here ...

Thanks for the encouragement - I'm sure the panic will recur lots, but I think I'm starting to get a little more of a plan. My friends have been great & supportive lately, which has helped a lot too.

Most people are trying to transfer - I would love to keep working in the bookstore with fun & interesting people, but I'm kind of leaning toward trying something new ... I'm still very confused right now though. Sigh. Thanks for hugs though - all the hugs I've been getting lately are very much appreciated!

All week I felt surprisingly okay, for living in the same house as my now-ex-boyfriend. My friends took me over to their place several nights to hang out & watch TV, & I talked to our other roommate, who was my best friend for ten years - this last year has put a strain on our friendship & we've been on & off talking to each other. We hadn't talked since before Christmas, & it was nice to speak with her again, even if it was for just a little while. I've even talked to Jason a couple of times & we had friendly ten-minute talks about stuff we were doing, reading, etc. Then yesterday I went to a birthday party for an old college friend. We played games, ate pizza, watched episodes of House - fun was had. His wife was driving me home (since I have no car) at 2:30 am and as we pulled up in front of the house, we could see through the living room window that Jason was in there with the girl he said he had feelings for the night we broke up. He said today that they were just talking because the coffee shop closed, but I don't care. It's been five days - Five Days! - since our two and a half year relationship ended. I'm fine with him bringing other friends over, but not her. They can just have coffee at IHOP - not my home. He keeps saying he wants to be friends, but friends have more regard for each other's feelings than that ... But seriously. Five days! I ended up spending the night at my college friends house, then having lunch with them & going shopping, which was a nice distraction. But after I got home & talked to Jason & asked him not to bring her here again, I went in my room & cried a lot. Which really sucks on the one hand, but on the other, at least I can stop wondering when the numbness will wear off or if there's something wrong with me because I don't feel intense emotions ... The other shoe has dropped, & I do. Thank goodness for friends - they've been a lifesaver this week.

I love making scarves. They're great for knitting while you're watching TV, to keep you from feeling all shiftless & such. You get to enjoy the beauty of the fiber & feel like you're doing something other than just vegging out, but it doesn't take so much attention that you have to focus completely on what you're doing ... Admittedly, I'm a pretty lazy knitter.

Things I can do again now that I'm not dating Jason: - watch TV with subtitles. I love subtitles! Jason found them too distracting, but they have so many benefits! You can turn the volume down to be considerate to the other roommate who has to get up earlier in the morning, & still watch TV. You can pick up things you would have had to rewind several times to hear. You can save time on watching special features like deleted scenes of the Office by putting on the subtitles then fast-forwarding & reading the little sentences as they flicker by (sometimes I get really impatient ). - eat whenever I want instead of having to wait for him to get home so we can eat at the same time. Also, go to Taco Bell on the way home if I feel like it for some reason, without having to consult anyone else. - choose what to watch. For instance, last night I found the 1994 movie Kiss of Death on TV & watched the last half of it. In high school my friend & I had a thing for David Caruso & we loved this movie. It was a little simpler than I remembered, and I think his magic is gone for me, but all the actors were still good, & it was fun. And then when I needed something to distract me (I'm fine during the day - work, calling friends - but then at night when I try to sleep I start to think about what we were doing a week or two ago & start to cry) I can put on my DVDs of the original Batman cartoon & drift off admiring its art. Jason finds South Park to be soothing on sleepless nights, and I grew to appreciate some of its wittiness, but it's got nothing on Batman! - watch the opening credits as many times as I want when watching rented TV show dvds without being pressured to fast-forward through them to save time. I enjoy the theme songs - it's part of the whole experience! Hmm. Next time I'll try to find some that aren't TV-oriented. That's just what I did last night. I'm trying to think more positively & post blogs that aren't just sadness. This may not be all the way there yet, but it's a step ...

Exactly! People mumble too much these days. I really don't think I listened to that much loud music when I was younger, but I have a hard time picking things out sometimes.

More hugs are always good. Thanks

I've thought before that he's got a distinct lack of empathy, but I didn't expect him to be just so ... clueless. Or cruel ... I don't know what she's aware of - maybe they're just interacting as friends right now & she doesn't know of any particular significance to her being there? I haven't asked, & prefer not to think about it in that much detail because it feels kind of like poking at a sore tooth. In any case, it all just makes me sad & grey-feeling.

I mentioned in a couple of postings elsewhere that I've had a bad weekend. Friday night, instead of going to visit his grandmother as we had planned, my boyfriend & I had a big discussion of issues - things that had been bothering him, things that been getting to me (like the control thing in my last blog). We came to the conclusion we should break up, then started crying & went to sleep next to each other. Then the next day we sort of retreated, & I said maybe we could work on things, & he said to give him time to think, & went out with his friends while I surfed online all night, making sad posts. He didn't get home before I left for work the next day, & when I got home, he said he'd been thinking, & confessed that he had feelings for someone he had asked out before we'd started dating, but she was too young then. His crush never went away, & she apparently has a thing for him, even though she's seeing someone else. He didn't name her, but I knew right away who he meant. And I can't even get angry at him (yet) because she's beautiful & thoughtful & musical & fun. So I said, well, we could work on other things but I can't do anything about that. So that's it. I'll need to start the long process of separating our stuff soon, but today I am still on autopilot & feeling numb. I think he's confused too - just now he called from work to make sure I was okay, & seemed to want to talk. (I've been in the habit of making a little ten-minute call every day on my break.) Last time someone broke up with me (my first boyfriend - we dated for seven years), I was able to not see him for months & I was healed by the time I saw him next. But now, I'll have to move into the spare bedroom, which is still extremely full of all my brother's junk from when he took off & never came back to get anything. Our lease doesn't run out until June, & none of us (including my longtime roommate, who is now angry at both of us) has the money to break the lease & move out (it would involve huge fines). And I'll see J all the time. But he won't be mine anymore. And he'll want to talk, & make sure I'm not mad at him, & be friends right away. And I just want space to heal. Thank god for friends. My only plan last night was to get out of the house & call my friends S & S. And they were free, & we watched TV & talked, & took me out to a bar to celebrate another friend's birthday, & people bought me drinks & we chatted & smoked & they said they would hate J for me since I can't, & didn't mind when I cried on the table. Then I fell asleep on their couch & woke up with a kitten next to me. So begins life without J. At least without him being my J. I will use this time to see friends more & spend more time on my spirituality again & be a strong independent feminist-type grown-up who doestn't need to be needed & can wait for someone who loves her. And when the numbness wears off & I break down I will try my best to remember my new mission statement. Sorry for the length of this blog ... venting has been accomplished now.