smallvoice

My internet was cut off friday- I should be back online tuesday. No worries everybody.

I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone. I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.

I've been directed to some great sites, but I can't seem to figure out how to do that first stitch. Also, what's with purling? Do I need to learn how to do that right away? Not that I know what either of them actually are... I'm really, really frustrated with myself right now and wishing I had somebody to show me what all I'm doing wrong.

I've sort of been taking the video instructions and reversing them onto my left hand. That might work out a little better, though.

Very, very left-handed.

No, not worse. I'm attempting continental style knitting, and I think I can finally cast on using her style. But then I get to the end of the row, and go for the first stitch, and it looks like it all falls apart. I guess I'll try a couple of rows. Oh, and I'm doing it where I'm transferring new stitches onto the needle in my left hand, and holding the rest in my right hand.

I'm upset with my husband and I'm upset with myself. My bank account is in the negative, and my husband just spent $60 that could have easily been avoided. He was too proud to do anything about it, and I wasn't bold enough. I feel. . . sucky.

So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.

Thanks! Yeah, that's mostly where I was heading- except I'm not pondering sending something to a non-knitter, which may alter your answers a little bit. I won't send socks with no heels. Socks are all mine! And I think it'll be quite some time before I can knit a sweater, thank you very much. I'd love to be able to just do a scarf, at this point, but I don't want it to be all lame. Anyway, thank you guys.

I just wish I had a good idea of what it's supposed to look like with just one kind of knitting stitch. Dude, you need to win the lottery like, now. I sort of suck at teaching myself from books, so the site with the videos was pretty helpful, I just wish she'd show more what it's supposed to turn out looking like. I... want.... socks! Someday, I will make 20 pairs of those socks. Just you wait! I think I really have been half crocheting, which is sort of disheartening, since it's a hell of a lot easier with a crochet hook, and doesn't help me with the knitting thing. I'm just frustrated. Have I said that quite enough? I'm worried that my switchee this round won't like me. I'd say more about her, but I don't want to drop any hints. I'm really excited, I just hope she doesn't think my packages are lame.

I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning Has not been quite extinguished from my soul, But let it cause you no more fret or mourning - I do not wish to trouble you at all. I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly, At times in fear, at times in jealous hells... I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly As God let you be loved by someone else. - Alexander Pushkin How... exquisite... is this?

I got a package from Ms. Snark containing the last of my Spring Switch Witchery, and wow! She knitted me a stunning pair of socks, and included the pattern and... I can't stop looking at them! They're like art, for my feet! Thank you so much, darlin'. That made my day!

I almost can't bear to read it- like it's wriggling around in my soul now. I've been contemplating a foreign language to take next year, and I'd decided on Japanese, but now I'm waffling over Russian, again. I'd take German, but my school doesn't offer it. Isn't that strange? Russian, Mandarin, Japanese... but no German. Sad! My mother, who took 6 years of German, thinks it'd be a mistake for me to take it: "You'll never use it! It's useless!" But I think it's gorgeous, and I think it has to do with my link to my mom. I grew up knowing German phrases thanks to her. Anyway! That's enough of a hijack. And it's more positive than my angsting over this beautiful poem.

Not as in "making knots", but as in "not knitting". Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, but it sure as hell doesn't resemble what she's doing on the knittinghelp site. Also, I've watched her continental casting clip ten thousand times, and I can still only get it started once in twenty-five times. Is there any reason I can't start with a slip knot and a single cast, and then do the rest with her double-casting style thingy? Also? None of my knitting looks like any of the things she's demonstrated at all. Mine is all wavy and you can sort of see a braided effect if you pull it out really tightly, but then it springs right back into the wavy seam thing. WTF? I'm doing something, and it is making rows and whatnot, but it's nothing like anything I've seen today. Or ever.

I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number. I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?

Dude! Thanks so much for the link to the site! And hopefully I'll be able to get some booties all done up for him. If I can figure out how! Heh! I got some size 15 needles today, and I have a set that are 8, and a shorter set that I can't find at the moment, but I think they're 10s, too. I was thinking I could maybe try to knit him some sort of toy, but then I think that might be too complex. I guess I'll poke around for patterns once I learn a few more things about, y'know, knitting.

I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately. I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way. He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time. I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special. His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there. I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that? I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence. The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me. I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.

I didn't mean to sound like I wish I had ended up with him- It wasn't a good relationship, and he wasn't good for me. I love my husband dearly and I know we are perfect together, but my first real encounter with love had a huge impact on my current experience of love. When I say he polished the moon for me, it's to sort of get across the feeling that I may as well have been 14 years old, for all the safeguards I had around my heart. I know I was just a part of the catalyst, but I would prefer it if somebody else had been there instead, and I'd had the strength to just walk away. But I was of the opinion at the time that love was worth gambling everything for. I just didn't know.

Are you guys doing the Fall Switch Witch?

It is awesome that the lab is updating like crazy. It means there will be ever so many scents in which to delight, and loads of fun swaps to arrange and hunt for and experience. It is not a bad thing that I can't buy anymore BPAL for several months (er, that might get tossed out.), it just makes life more interesting. I will pay off all debts and focus on school. The notes don't immediately appeal (pear, blue lotus and crystal musk do strike my fancy, I must admit), so I can certainly afford to miss this one single (er, double) lunacy. It struck me right through the heart when somebody compared it to the legend of Miskatonic U, though. Regardless. I do not need any new scents. It'll be more fun when I can more easily afford them anyway. Plus, it'll be neat to read the reviews and stalk the forums for decants.

I don't know why, but my anxiety is all wonky right now. Like, really badly. And there's sort of not a whole lot of reason for it to be especially high. On the upside, I'm hoping that the BPAL birthday package my mom ordered me will be arriving within a week or two. (I'm trying to be generous with the time!) I think I will positively love Manhattan! I already know I love Katharina. I'm really excited to find out what my chaos theory smells like, and I think she got me a CD. Xanthe, maybe? Or Gennivre? I know it wasn't the Organ Grinder, because I had some amount of panic about that, and then found a decant of it available. The cool thing about a CD bottle in my hands is that if I love one of my decants more than it, I'll probably be able to swap for whichever bottle I love more. Is it silly that I get so freakin' excited about frimpage, too? There's usually 2 per bottle, so I could end up with De Sade, Severin, the Jersey Devil, Ladon, Cockaigne, Phobos, Tintagel, and Euphrosyne! Yeah, I know, the middle three probably won't happen, but they might! Really, I'd prefer Les Bijoux over the Jersey Devil. It's amazing to me that prattling on about BPAL allows me to forget about anxiety. Heh. How long does it take an inept knitter to knit a scarf? Or 15 scarves?

Some scents you have to apply more heavily. You might try Snake Oil for a stronger throw, if it's not too musky. Zombi is earthy with rose, and Dorian is just a killer scent. It's sexy as hell and not floral. Laudanum might interest you, and Imp as well. I really think you'd like Santo Domingo, Penny Dreadful and possibly Centzon Totochtin. You might look into Silk Road and the Crossroads, also. Penitence, Seance, Malediction and The Red Queen come to mind. You don't say anything about your stance on sweet or fruity scents, so I'm leaving those out as much as possible. Really, I'm with Juniperus Intrepidus-- test as much as you can that have notes that appeal to you, and then test some more. Play around with how much you apply and take notice of which notes your skin seems to amp up. G'luck! Oh, Holly-- The Lady of Shallot was very understated on me.

I was going to post this in the title thread on the forum, but it's a little too involved to clog up the board with. Okay. So, we've got a houseguest living here, because he fell apart. He's here on the condition that he gets help and works it out. We want to see him get healthy. So we go the route of trying to get him hospitalized. The hospital says that they can't even put him on the waiting list until he goes to see someone at the crisis response center and have an evaluation there, and then files for medical coupons with the department of social and health services-- and the waiting list is about two years. So we do all that, and try to get him outpatient treatment at the hospital, which they won't do until he gets evaluated by a specific ARNP in the area and gets a different medical coupon. At this point, they won't even evaluate him if he pays out of pocket. So we go to the specific ARNP, and I ranted about him before, because he told me to shut my mouth when I went to ask him to clarify his plan for my housemate's medication. Which still pisses me off, but also keeps me quiet (and that makes me even more mad, because I hate feeling cowed). He's a freak, and he isn't paying attention to what the housemate, S, is saying. He's condescending and just... rude. I don't like him. S missed an appointment with him, and when he went back, ARNP wouldn't let him in without a fee for missing the prior appointment, which S doesn't have. So ARNP told him to leave. The LDS church comes to our aid, and we go see a psychologist who is very nice and very patient, but eventually he insists that we go back to ARNP. So we go to see the guy, and he's being a prima donna. Seriously harrassing S for never coming back (ARNP didn't offer to reschedule when he sent him away.), and treating him like shit, basically. This man is everything I hate about the mental health professional community. Let me count the ways: 1. He says that hospitalization is an option if S really can't do what he needs to do, so S explains what all we've done to try and get hospitalization. ARNP takes this story and goes, "They didn't tell you that you have the wrong medical coupon. They told you you're not sick enough for hospitalization." Uhh. He goes on to imply that S is faking his condition and that my husband and I will soon have no choice but to throw him out on the street. 2. He tries to put the fear of God into S about what hospitalization is like. Every horror story that ever went through my mind when I thought I'd have to be put away, he brought up. Gee, that's helpful. 3. He says that LDS-guy doesn't know what to do with him anymore, and that's why he sent him back. He says that everybody is frustrated because he's not helping himself, and that he won't put up with it. He tells S that he needs to pull himself together, and that eventually, he's going to look back on this and realize what a dick he is. 4. He reiterates that S is not sick and is using everyone. Then he brings up medication. He prattles on about how S won't notice any changes from any of these medicines, and that's fine- it's perfectly normal. He might notice a slight elevation in his moods at higher doses, but these won't really do anything for him at all. Great motivation to take the little bastards, then. 5. ARNP asks, "So, what do you want to do?" In my mind, I calmly reply, "I'd like to punch you in the face." S asks for clarification, and he snaps, "About the medication!" S is like, "Uh, take it?" So he talks some more about the medication, and I think some more about punching his face, and as he's sending us out, he's all, "It's a good thing I'm not your therapist, huh? You wouldn't like me very much. I'd just tell you to get off your ass." Nice. So then he makes another appointment, and is all, "If you don't make this appointment, then Godspeed. I wish you well. But find somebody else. You won't be coming back here." And I so desperately wanted to say, "There is nobody else, you fucktard! If there were, we wouldn't be here! We would never have come back, ever! But DSHS says that you're the only asshole in the area, so we're stuck with you. Isn't that nice?" But I didn't want to hand him that kind of power, so I just nodded and left. While shaking profusely. Fucker. Thanks for helping not at all.

Hijack: I think I need to try Devil's Night! It sounds fabulous! /hijack I agree about Dirty, and can't believe it didn't spring to mind. Dirty and Dorian are my top picks. You may also like Dana O'Shee.

I'm deciding while I'm writing up my questionnaire, but I'm thinking that it might not be fair. I'll be starting school again, and money's all tight-- then again, I've got tools of craftiness and a 9-year-old knitting tutor. I still don't think I'd be able to knit anything really fabulous before the end of the round. I don't know. I do know that I've met some really great people from this, so I'm not quite ready to quit. I might take a hiatus. I don't know! I think I'm sort of driving myself nuts. More nuts.