Ah Xia

I have the same thoughts, it seems. Except mine are more that I used to be constantly drawing all the time. When I was young, nothing made me happier than a pad of cheap newsprint and a blue Bic pen. I drew all kinds of characters and cartoons and even stole construction paper from my Mom to draw on (except I was so proud of the things I had drawn I showed her, and ratted myself out). All through elementary school, I was the girl who knew how to draw. I'd draw anything the other kids wanted, and earned a place for myself in my class because of my talent. Everyone said I'd be a cartoonist or illustrator, and I thought so, too. In high school I drew political cartoons and spoofs of teachers and the teachers liked them so much they hung them up in their classrooms. The edges of my notebooks were covered with doodles of every kind and it was common for me to have a full blown drawing going on underneath the edge of my regular school notebook. Somewhere the wind went out of my sails. It started with a cruel art teacher who made fun of my appearance, personality and abilities constantly, driving me to tears. He pinched the faces of the girls in the class and said they were cute. I would personally kick his ass to the curb today, but at the time, I wasn't sure how a teacher (which was normally a class of people I respected) should act, and I figured there was something wrong with myself. In college, I did a little art, mostly monotypes and a few paintings but it fell away from me and my pencils gathered dust and my paints dried up and I went on to study other things. For many years I felt like my creative spirit died. I learned how to knit and that helped, but sometimes my heart aches for the girl with her head bent over her pad of paper scribbling away, and just the sheer joy of drawing something you think is good, no matter what others say. It was a voyage of self-discovery...and I miss that aspect of myself but cannot summon the urge to create in that way anymore. I hope it will come back. My mother still hangs the prints I made in college around her house, and on one hand, it sort of embarresses me, perhaps the way it is painful to read one's own writings or see ones own performances but it is always a reminder of what I could have chosen, instead.

I know how you feel. My Mom is far away and I don't get to see her much...and I think I have changed so much from when I was younger that maybe I'm not as much fun anymore. My sister and I don't talk at all very much and don't know what to say to each other for no good reason...I don't speak to my father's family at all and haven't for years. I get along OK with my inlaws but often feel sort of marginalized because they're a very outgoing family and I am a little quieter and more reserved...and I feel like I take a backseat to their son and their daughter who has given them a grandson, which I have not. It's probably all in my mind but sometimes I don't feel very good thinking about family at all. You're not alone...

Dang, girl! Way to rock the crochet! I find crocheting so intimidating (even though I can knit) so I'm seriously impressed you already finished all those projects! Wow!

I read his writings too, and I thought he sounded like a sociopath. I mean, there was very little "humanity" or understanding of human expression in the writing--it was stilted and cliched, and the character's names were "Jane" and "John", etc., showing he was devoid of empathy or comphrehension of how another could feel. It is really disheartening to see the media circus. I'm glad America has a free press but honestly it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. I can't bear it when I see reporters ringing people's doorbells and lurking in neighborhoods hoping to interview a neighbor...but I can't help reading it or looking for it online. I suppose I am just part of the problem. Awful awful awfulness. I was in college myself not that long ago, and I keep picturing sitting in a language class and what it would be like if someone burst in. Or I imagine the students I TA'd and how could I ever save them from a deranged gunman.

Holy pepper, Batman! With a background of sweet dragon's blood. I wasn't sure about this one...I liked the pepper in La Mort Qui Danse, but this one isn't working so well with my chemistry. It started to make me nauseated so I had to wash it off. Off to swaps for a new home, and someone who will cherish it.

I love this one. On me it smells amazingly similar to Roadhouse, except with carnation instead of dandelion. I'm simply mad for anything with cider in it. Gorgeous and can't stop sniffing my arm...a definite bottle purchase.

I read old fashioned gothic novels...I even proofread one for this publisher... here Grown up, but with wild plots and kooky characters. The one I proofread, The Mysterious Freebooter, featured an evil captain, harems, rogue Scottish lords and a prison escape. It was very entertaining!

I'm really sorry to hear about your cat...that was really heartrending to read about. I wish our animal friends could be with us longer--life is too short, as it is!

I miss freedom...now that I've moved away from the public transportation hubs, getting somewhere takes a fricking afternoon of planning. No more popping off to the bookstore or walking to the movies or whatever. I just want to be free...free to change my mind, my plans...my future. The older you get the harder it is. The more responsibilities you have for others...I think it's important to steal time for yourself even if its just lunching with a friend and some window shopping but I know for me it feels frustrating just to have to plan some "me" time, and I don't even have kids.

Oh, my God, was I ever pissed. Not only that I was swaplifted but that she lied in such a stupid wanker way about being "dead", which trivializes any outpouring of care that real Internet friends show each other. I lay in bed thinking how awful it was that she had died, and got thinking some more...and then I got up and checked the forum and realized she was the same person as her "roommate" and a lot of what she was saying didn't add up. That's why liars are in the last circle of hell. If you couldn't tell, I have a lot of planets in Scorpio, LOL. Fortunately I got my money back through my credit card eventually, and the kindness of so many others on this forum helped a lot. People who throw in extra bottles or send cool things in their swap packages...that makes it all worth the few bad apples. And I know things can get overwhelming and some Internet board swap is the last thing on someone's mind, so I 'm glad when everything can turn out OK in the end.

Xinnian kuai le, indeed! This is like the happy-go-lucky older sister of Hungry Ghost Moon, which is A-OK in my book! It's delicious, bright and fruity, crisp and wonderful! I don't really get much dragon's blood out of this at all, but I do get the unique and tangy scent of lychees, which makes me very very very happy. A definite multiple bottle purchase.

This scent is really fascinating. It's not the typical piney evergreen snow scent at all. It's very...forbidding and scary, like being lost in a sinister forest on the verge of nightfall, the trunks stained black with dripping water...it smells very much like a recently cut hardwood tree...you can smell the fresh wood sappy odor of the newly revealed bark, and in the distant background the wet, nighttime air of far off ocean, but not a friendly ocean, a wild, frothy, smashing against the shore kind of ocean with jagged rocks. *shudders* I love it.

This is strangely like a musky wintergreen on me...the only note I can pick up so far. In the bottle it smells a bit grassy, going on wet just a soft, musky minty scent. I kind of like it but it doesn't have much throw...this is one very subtle corvid...

That's great news! I got swaplifted in my first month on the board by AngelFireHeart to the tune of $63...I tell you, that really soured my opinion of swapping for a long time, but I do prefer selling...I've had some "odd" swap transactions...like nothing you could complain about, per se, but still didn't feel right. For example, one person and I swapped, I mailed my end and they got it and liked it (it was a multiple bottle swap, they contacted me first). My end never showed up, but the person was good about communicating and saying they were sick, etc, and it would be in the mail. ASAP. Finally, they sent me a DC number. I checked it and it was the old "There is no record of this item". This isn't THAT unusual but in combination it seemed a bit off. I contacted the swapper and they said the package was probably "lost" in their company's mailroom and they would check around (well, maybe it was, but still.) I contacted a swap mod, and they stated that this person, yes, was a "slow-ass swapper" I believe, in those words, but they always came through. Finally I emailed the person one last time and said I had been swaplifted before so was kind of gunshy...I need to get the package by x and x a date or I'm reporting it a swaplift. Two days later, a priority mail package arrived in my mailbox with all the items and some extras...but it wasn't mailed until the date of my last email to this person...so my threats is what got them to mail it, not that it was lost in the mailroom. So, yes, it was a weird transaction, but I didn't know what to do about it at the time...anyway, I'm really glad your saga is coming to a positive resolution!

Glasses shopping can be really rough! Considering I can't see well enough to assess the frames myself, I have to rely heavily on the chunky-frame loving hipsters that staff the local eye doctor's office. My other problem is I have ZERO bridge on my nose so it is very hard for glasses to stay put if they don't come with nosepads (and most plastique ones don't) so I end up looking school marmish no matter how cool I think I am.

How strange. I was thinking of posting a similar thing on my blog. I would like to think my soul's been around the block a few times and will continue to do so. If everyone gets multiple varied lives it seems a little more fair for the "human experience" in general if we get to try and live as other people. Don't you ever hit it off shockingly fast with someone and feel like you've known them forever? It would be nice to think that you've met them before and will continue to bump into each other in a cosmic sort of way... I grew up inland and never saw the ocean until I was well into my college years, but seeing it I feel such a call and wonder if I was a sailor or something like that before. It's such a strong overwhelming feeling. And I get the impression in a lot of these past lives I was probably a guy some of the time. I feel so jealous of male camraderie and feel the lack of it so keenly in my own life now, being a woman, that it just makes my heart ache.

Well said. I hate seeing how folks say, "Well, I have the right to express my opinion," and well, YES, you ultimately do, but to express your opinion at the expense of someone else's hurt feelings or just to be a contrarian is not a very kind thing to do. You have no idea how many times I think I could say something or could write a post or email asserting what I think, but then I ask myself is this a nice thing to do? Is it important that the other party know this? Or know I think this? 99 percent of the time I click delete. Not good for my post count, but I think kindness and walking away from unnecessary battles is important too. I saw the Seven of Wands in a Tarot reading I was doing for myself yesterday. Maybe sometimes it IS better to make a truce, remain silent, instead of enjoying taking up the cause of everything that comes along.

Hmm, that is kind of weird. I have had packages go missing through no fault of my own, and had packages take up to 2-3 weeks to get where they were going, especially first class. However, I have also been swaplifted and it freaking sucks, especially because there's a personal element to it. Even if she did mail it, I wouldn't let it stop you from putting up an ISO of Lick It Again. I mean, your fears that the package are missing aren't unfounded (through whatever means, fair or foul) and you shouldn't miss out on the chance to score a bottle of it. I hope you find it in your mailbox, any day now, though!

Oh, I really feel for you. That is so sad. You did the right thing, though.

Yay for Baldur's Gate 2! I love that game. And the first one. I spent many many hours playing them hunched in front of the computer in Taiwan!!! Cheers!

I love this forum. And I enjoy having my blog so far--even if nobody reads it, it makes me happier to reflect on the things I've written. And having others comment and relate to what I'm thinking or feeling helps me feel much better about everything. Personally, I've always enjoyed reading journals or diaries of famous people, and follow a number of regular blogs. I love seeing the commonalities of the human experience. I have one sister whom I love dearly but am not very close to. She is 2 years younger than I and it's almost like we know TOO much about each other, so that makes us feel distant, although it makes no sense. My best friend lives 5 hours away and is moving even farther away soon. My other dear friends live in Alaska and Oaxaca, Mexico. Consequently, I don't see them often. I have crowd phobia and even worse phone phobia. I'm much more of a "writing-based" communication type person. I don't get out much any more since we moved away from the metro--my husband and I only have 1 car and he takes it to work for his 12 hour shifts. If it weren't for this forum it would be a lonely life indeed.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling crappy! I am glad for the forum at times like this because I too have few friends in my state and it's nice to have another set of eyes and ears to vent to. You definitely deserve all those things and I hope they will be coming your way sooner than later! It seems to me like there's a lot of sadness and doldrums and problems for all lately...it must be that time of year.

Knitting ribbing is really boring. As an advanced knitter, I can't even make myself do it. I like knitting socks--that was my 2nd project. I made a hat and went right into socks. I didn't make scarves until much later in my knitting career. If you're going to take the time to learn a hobby it may as well be on a project you enjoy!

It's good to have someplace that stays the same. Otherwise you just kind of feel like a wanderer. And the fabric and feeling of an old house that has much history is like a well worn pair of shoes--they fit your feet in all the right places. And frankly, older homes are often more well built than their newer counterparts--they have a logic about them that newer places can't even measure up to.

I was there for 4 days on a "visa-renewal" trip from Taiwan, where I was living at the time. Sorry to clog up your comments with my blathering, but I was excited to hear about HK.