APRIL FOOLED YA! Prep For Tomorrow With 'PRANK'

[Failmingo]

Beloved Fools,

You're a hard bunch to surprise, so we're landing on you a day early with this very special April Fools' Day update, complete with upsetting label art by Drew Rausch.

Dare you inflict our JOY BUZZER or RUBBER POOP on your unsuspecting friends? Dare you risk meeting the same fate as our LAB RAT, pinned beneath the combined weight of hundreds of BPAL scents?

Welcome to PRANK - the olfactory equivalent of that gum that turns your mouth black! Please prank responsibly -- and keep an eye out for pranks as you prowl Black Phoenix Trading Post in the near future, you never know what foolishness might await you.

++ PRANK

CHATTERING TEETH

Electric cherry and iced vanilla.

JOY BUZZER

Silvered honey zapped with fizzy champagne grape.

RUBBER POOP

Chocolate and caramel with flecks of cacao bean and toasted tonka.

SNAKE CAN

Fancy salted Snake Oil with a hint of mixed nuts.

SQUIRTING BOUTONNIERE

Hot pink rose wet with cucumber and water lily.

WHOOPIE CUSHION

Raspberry pulp with orange blossom, patchouli, and a pfffffft of red musk

++ LAB RAT 2017

Those who enter the Lab in North Hollywood, or approach our booth at conventions, often ask: “Mmmm, what’s that I’m smelling?”

Naturally, the answer is: EVERYTHING. The aggregate of literally hundreds of perfumes hangs in the air around us while we work, staining our clothes and lingering on our skin after we go home. Just another day in the life of a smelly Lab Rat!

Despite many requests, this weirdly specific scent has never been available for purchase… until now! In the spirit of mad science, we assigned one of our laboratory helpers the ignoble task of gathering samples of literally every scent currently in BPAL’s general catalog, and combining them in one immense jug.***

The Lab Rat in question took copious notes during the blending process, documenting the scent’s evolution as he worked through shelves packed with alphabetized bottles. (The cumulative effect of this olfactory journey must have taken a psychological toll — he hasn’t returned to the Lab since.)

For those with an academic interest, we have included our Lab Rat’s notes below — the portions that were legible, anyway.

21 through AZATHOTH:

Just got through the A’s, and so far we have a spicy, lively, almost disturbingly energetic scent, hovering over a sort of dark, fruity abyss. It’s almost too bad we have to keep going, it would be great to just stop here.

21 through BURIAL:

Already so different — now we have a lovely astringent, almost coniferous smell rising on a cloud of… *sniff sniff* black tea?

21 through CZERNOBOG:

This has suddenly become a sort of musky, foodie smell, gleaming with… honeysuckle? Or is it just honey mixing with other flowers? Starting to feel a little dizzy TBH.

21 through DRINK ME:

Molasses, leather, mint… like nothing I’ve smelled in the GC so far. Only at the D’s so far and my hands are already getting tired, my head feels clobbered, and the jug is still mostly empty. What time is it? Is that music coming from a radio somewhere?

21 through EVENT HORIZON:

Mossy night-flowers, glimmer of spice, something alive and restless. Working through my lunch break just to get this over with.

21 through FOREST REVERIE:

Fruity jungle blooms, crop circles, disco balls. The nose equivalent of trying to read the subject lines in my junk mail folder.

21 through GROG:

??????

21 through HUNGER:

Juniper, freesia, alpine air, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, the hills are alive, THEY’RE ALIVE

21 through THE ISLES OF DEMONS:

?????//???? honey apple gardenia please kill me

21 through JABBERWOCKY

[REDACTED on the advice of our legal counsel]

LAB RAT

Eau de Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. The cumulative weight of hundreds of scents — a cacophony of mythology, fiction, folk magic, and other arcane influences, all clamoring for your attention at once.

***A note to those with allergies and skin sensitivities: by definition, LAB RAT contains any and every possible component